Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
thank you sheila i’m 17 and have come to know truth in God and i won’t force my opinion on anyone else but like the great philosopher C.S. lewis said people think that keeping sexual desires pent up is whats causing the craziness and if they just follow their desires the problems will be solved.. but the reality is that the craziness has been caused by following our temporary desires… me and my current boyfriend waited 7 months before we had sex and did for a long time but when my life was changed through Christ we stopped and i am happier than ever. its good to know someone else shares these seemingly “old fashioned” views. even though i might seem prude-ish… waiting until marriage is right. i wish other people could see that and i think alot will once they’re married and have to tell their husband how many people they’ve casually slept with.
Sex on first date need not be a killer to a future relationship, which is more an answer to the actual question. Today, I am living the dilemma of having had sex on the first date, and now have real reservations going forward – particularly because the date, I sense, has stronger feelings than I intended to have after a 1st date (i.e. – love rather than strong like, which could lead there). So, the correct answer (in my humble opinion) is that sex on the first date does not automatically ruin chances, but sex on a first date does not always help.
Sex isn’t from a “connection”. Well, not with a nomral man. Your ass looks great in those pants, and you are hot. That is it. It is over later because you just don’t work. Ignore all advice from men that engage in homosexual behavior. Unless you want a homo.
Okay, I am older then most of you I am sure, but would like to throw out there what I think. I feel that sex is something shared between two people and should be very special and involve love.I am happily married but sure so wish I would have rethought a few things early on in my life and I would have held on to my innocent side for a while longer.
You really think we should just dissmiss morals and values? You have no idea how much that scares me for my children. I may be old fashioned but I still believe in the message of God and would hope that my children will follow, it is so important. Believe me there are consequences you will have to pay for just doing what you want or what you feel at the time.
I am not judging or saying that anyone is “wrong” or “bad” I am not judging anyone for what they do, I am just saying that I believe in my heart that true happiness and peace can only come from the Lord.
If you have sex with someone on the first date that is like starting in the middle or the end of a relationship don’t you think? Sure you can still learn about each other but I guess I just look at it as something to build towards and sex is the reward or bonus that you get when you commit and love someone.
Are you sure the Straight guy is straight??? He doesn’t sound so to me. Very bad advice giver.
I think Dan is SPOT ON! Let’s get rid of these outdated and messed up notions of purity and morals…
and focus on building healthy relationships.
i think if the guy is not really feeling the date and they have sex then like its not a killer in the relationship. but if you have sex and it feels good and you both are speechless and just quite. then you know the next thing that will happen….KILLER TURNED OFF
Daniel’s so right: sex on the first date is like taking a car you might buy out for a spin or trying on a shirt. You wouldn’t buy either without seeing if the brakes work or the fit was right, so why wouldn’t you fuck someone on the first date? Moreso, I like his attitude of being open to possibilities. The fact is, none of know when we’re going to meet _________ and it might be as random and unforeseen as someone you meet online. Or on the street. Or at work. A plane, the airport, driving cross country …
And even if the sex sucks & you never hook up again, you’ve made a connection that has more depth than most. What’s left out of this is the safe sex thing: HIV, yes, for sure, is still around but there are also other STDS lurking, looking for a new host(ess.) Fuck with abandon, but please, bring a rubber to the party! And some lube.
I dig the three wise guys’ advice this week, for the most part.
“so dudes, keep it in your pants if you’re not interested in more. Chances are, even if you are a total loser, the woman’s self esteem is so low that she will be tricked into thinking she likes you.”
While I’m sure there are grains of truth to the quote above from laura and what Johnny said, putting the onus of the situation on the woman and giving “keep it in your pants” advice to the guy smacks of still holding on to some restrictive gender crap to me. How about tell the guys if they aren’t interested in more to say so up front, like Chelsea B suggests.
Hey I had sex the first time I met the [then] love-of-my-life. We were together for the following 15 years. We are still best friends. ‘Nuff said?
Jonathan
Dan’s advice is right on! Have lots of sex while you’re still desirable!
And I agree with the commenter who said that the problem with having sex on the first date isn’t that it will make a dude lose interest, it’s that it will make a scum bag out of the dude who was only interested in sex. so dudes, keep it in your pants if you’re not interested in more. Chances are, even if you are a total loser, the woman’s self esteem is so low that she will be tricked into thinking she likes you.
“Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.”
I think any man who will sleep with a me on the first date and then judge me for doing so is a complete hypocrite. It definitely takes two to have sex (sometimes more!)… I would never want to stay with someone who has two sets of morals; one for me and one for him.
Women are sexual creatures, too. I wish more of us would break free and stop worrying about how other people perceive us, and focus more on how we feel about ourselves. Ladies, listen to your intuition more. She’s usually spot on.
So, I agree 100% with Dan and like his spin on things the best of all.
The gay guy’s advice was dead-on—I think it can help people get closer. But it’s bad if you’re doing it and you’re not comfortable with it.
Bigger than the question of guys or girls or gay or straight is the issue of the kind of relationship you want. The only real reason to wait now is to develop more of a friendship before the sex begins.
Early sex never made any guy lose interest. Trouble comes up when women have sex with guys who were NEVER interested – the girls then backwards rationalize the fall-through by saying, “oh no, I blew a potentially beautiful relationship by putting out to early! Who knows what could have been!” This is gentler on the ego than admitting to oneself that he never wanted anything more than sex.
Personally, I say screw as early as possible. My current GF and I had sex before our first date.
It really depends on what the guy thinks. If the guy has stated (and believed) that he cannot have a serious relationship with a woman who sleeps with him on the first date, then they won’t have a relationship! It just really depends on the people involved, everyone had different beliefs.
Like Mark said, relationships are never black and white!