Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
I like to bone a chick on the first date. For me, there is no sense wasting time getting to “know” a chick,only to find out she’s not nasty enough. If they won’t give it up on the first date, there will be no second date. Relationship? Not on your life…
so i knew this guy as it was my friends brother, we had been speaking for 7 months nothing serious just casual talk. one night he asks me to go back to his after id been out with my friends! anyway i did an we obviously had sex me being drunk and him! a couple of weeks later he moved to new york to do camp america! he recently messaged me asking am i okay and things! but have i ruined my chances of a relationship with him when he gets back?….
i met this guy off a dating site. We decided to meet up for dinner the same date, we hit it off on the date to where we hung out the rest of the night and we ended up in a room and we had sex. the next day he called and i told him i was deleting my page on the dating site and he told me to wait till he do it so i can see that he did it. Instead he called later and gave me his login info an told me to do it. We been dating every since. I was worried about it at first but turns out we did what we felt was good for the both of us at that moment and it turns out we wanted each other….
In response to the above comment, I think you should give this co-worker a chance, because your boyfriend doesnt seem like he is making you happy. He even said so himself that his ex wife ended up with someone else because he was so cold and aloof. It isnt your fault anyways and you deserve someone that will hug you and kiss you, as well as sharing a fulfilling sex life.
I just stumbled across this article because I had sex with a guy the first night we got together at a night club. We’re still in regular contact and meeting but theres that doubt in my mind that Im making up these romantic fantasies in my head which will never become reality.
Would anybody give bad or good comments, I dont mind whatever you say…its fine for me.
I had sex with my bf on the 2nd date. We are living together for five years up to now, we didn’t do much sexual intercourse in 5 years actually i can still count how many time we did, something like 5 times only up to now not even enjoyable and contented. He’s scared of me getting pregnant although I say pills will help. He doesn’t trust any contraceptive. Two years ago till now I’m confuse, I am the person who love sex. I kept on nagging at him but he insist on his excuse not to have sex it’s not safe and He said wait till the catholic church annulment is done and get married. He is 50, I’m 42, I want to enjoy my sex life! He’s totally not interested. I alsmost leave him twice bec. for me seems like I’m wasting my time with a guy trying to controls me from what I wants. He loves me sooo much but he is cold as frozen person. He shared to me that he doesn`t have sex with his ex-wife after few months of thier marriage that`s why the wife found another guy and they end up to divorced.
A married co-worker of mine in one a half year kept on wishpering on my ear that he wants kisses and hugs from me. I was mad to him and tell him to stop but never stop. I almost tell to my boss but I tried not to because if he gets fired my concience bothers me, I almost quit my job to stop seeing him, I even share this problem to my bf was mad and he adviced me to report to my boss but I didn`t. but after a month I was tired him doing this and just ignored all those acts. He did this for a year. And last week I needed a box from him. He called me to go and take it, nobody was around and he kisses me in surprise. I did love it and the following day he shows me attention, concern and kisses everyday. Since the first time he kisses me, everything melt down, I felt love and miss him.
We then talk and have a first date and have sex. I`m seeing him again after my 2 weeks vacation and I dont know what to do. I felt embarrassed,
He may doesn`t talk to me anymore and may have even shared to his friend. He`s a quiet and nice guy though.I was pushed to him because of my cold bf.
^ You can live without him, and it’s quite possible that you’re driving him away with that very attitude. Try relaxing and giving him a little room to breathe.
My Pakistani bf exchanged text messages 4 months. I was out of Paris & he was also very busy. It’s about 3 weeks we met first time. And he reserved hotel. We had sex 5 time in one night. Now I loose my virginity & I can’t live without him. What I feel he is ignoring me now. He always try to avoide me.
The truth is I think everyone here with an issue is worrying over nothing. There are over 6 billion people in the world, who think differently…. There shud be better reasons for not doing what u feel like doing but not what the other person thinks about u. The reason is it takes two to tango. U used him as much as he used u and u both had sex. If he sees u as loose, then he’s the same. If he doesn’t call u, call him once and free… An older guy 1ce said 2 me and likewise john mayer say what u need to say no matter how bad it is…. Express urself freely but as my dad will say don’t ridicule yourself in the course. This is to say that we all need to be adults…. Never be afraid of making mistakes but how we handle them is what matters… Do what u need to do and know when it’s time to kiss it good bye… So if u wanna have sex anytime do it… N let go when the individual starts acting up (being an adult is all about making tough decisions)…one thing that keeps me going is I think of what the other person is doing and I do the same… U can’t allow a fellow human being like u hurt u when there are other crucial issues… Trust me everything is a thing of the mind.. Nevertheless nothing stops u from keeping in touch 1ce in a while no matter what… If the individual is also adverse to that… Then the individual is simply insane and immature… But pls don’t be a stalker… People love independent people… Proove I can do without u even though it hurts… I cud actually tell whoever it is too… I’m happy this way, so u cud try it. o
well it depends on what you think is right..life is too short to do what other people wants you to do..if you want to have sex on the 1st date no problem..ul neva know..
I met a guy over 4 months ago, he is a taxi driver and i did not see him for weeks on end.When we first met there was this instant attraction but neither of us said anything. I met him again on monday evening i invited him over to my place and we had sex,it was the best sex i have ever had and he still calls, as i’m writting this he just called me to tell me he is taking me out to lunch,we’ll see how this turns out. I’m hoping to have a lot of fun with him. Thank you
Sex, Lies & Audiotape!
Nice to hear a guys point of view! I’m in exact agreement and believe that all guys think this, us ladies just let our hearts take over our heads too much… Without question I still think if it feels so right then go for it but if most lads are in this frame of mind maybe us girls should start thinking the same? Remember this, it’s easier for girls to have sex ad men tend to think with their dicks before there head, but the annoying thing about it all is if a guy sleeps with a chick on the first night to his mates he’s a legend but if a girl sleeps with a guy on a first night we are slags, or easy.. Sad but think in a guys mind that’s exactly what he thinks. With ref to my above comment I stopped texting and emailing the boy from school and needless to say have been put of one night stands since, now having noticed I’ve not made the effort I’m being contacted daily, started off texting back but to be honest one dirty text message from him put me off instantly.. Point to story is, I thought we had lots of chemistry in the beginning, turns out he was nothing to what I was looking for and thank god I’m over it!! Ha ha girl power and all that jazz !!
Call me weird I guess, but I’m one of the few voices on here that strongly believes having sex too soon is bad. For me anyway, it’s causes me to question their character and trustworthiness. But at the same time, I’m willing to have sex with a girl right away. But it’s like presenting them a test. Where saying yes to me and spreading their legs so soon is failing that test. From that point I start to lose interest. It’s really weird and difficult to explain. If I really like a girl, and I try to make advances at her, I actually hope she will stop me and tell me to slow down. My penis doesn’t want to hear that, but my heart does, and it makes me like them so much more than before. I believe that good or better things come to those who wait. I believe relationships fail today at such an astounding rate because everybody is taking on this gimme, gimme, I want it all now attitude. Has anyone else ever noticed how much more you appreciate things you actually had to work for compared to things that fall into your lap without hardly lifting a finger?
I split up with my man of 7 years recently so dating isn’t my strong point. I’ve known a guy for over a decade who has always wanted to get in my knickers. We decided to see how things went and ended up in bed together on the first date. I was completely out of my comfort zone and had just been through a horrible death in the family, so I was quiet and shy but the sex was amazing. What happened next? He turned into someone horrible. Honestly, you think you know someone and you feel like you’ve known them ‘well’ for a decade, but he’s turned into an arrogant and selfish control-freak. He’ll tell me I’m the best sex he’s ever had and that I wouldn’t believe how often I’m in his fantasies, but he’ll talk to me when he wants to and ignore me the rest of the time. He plays games and tries to make me jealous, telling me far too much information about other girls. I managed to bag myself an absolute toole and the only reason I haven’t cut him out completely is because I miss our long friendship.
Now I’ve a date tonight and if the opportunity presents itself, I won’t be holding back from sex. In my experience, even when the chemistry is amazing and it feels perfectly right, it might not be. To me that’s all the more reason to sleep with him early and find out.