Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
PS Love this post by the way. So great to get a guy’s perspective.
If you want to have sex on the first date ladies, by all means do it. But the thing is, what do you want out of it.
As a girl who has dated madly and crazily, let me tell you what I’ve learnt. Go wild, have fun, sleep with boys on the first date because yeah, you only live once and you should enjoy yourself. But be clear about what you are doing. Sex on a first date (usually) = a one night date. Not because he’s not that in to you but because, deep down, men want to work for their girl and they want to attribute value to them. And that’s got a whole lot to do with sex whether we (or they) like to admit it or not.
Ty (a couple of posts above) put it perfectly:
Maybe making us wait and put in a little effort actually does make us value the resultant relationship more?
Whatever. I’m employing the no-sex-on-the-first-few-dates rule.
I’ll let you know how that works out for me.
hate to say it but it might be a case of “he’s just not that into you”
i need some opinion from guy
we don’t really have sex at the first date but we slept together and cuddling
after a few week,i told him that i like him and we actually have sex that night.
we had the 2nd time sex after a few day, at that night i am asking what actually he think.
but the next day he actually told me that he need sometime to figure out how to work between us and should’t have sex anymore. i told him he can just tell me he don’t like me or something cause i really hate guessing game but he said he do like me just need some time to figure out.
what that means? is that means nothing more between us?
doesn’t neccessarily affect the outcome of the relationship, but i have to make this point: the stage when two people are still wondering and fantasizing about what it’s like to be with each other is so exciting, so thrilling. once you’ve had sex, you’re won’t ever get back to that particular stage. so i say that it can be fun to hold off on sex – not because doing it on the first date will hurt anything, simply because its adds to the thrill and anticipation of getting to know each other. we all love the chase.
ok GUYS * I need your advice!
I met a very attractive guy at my workplace, and he asked me out. We had an amazing date, great conversation, great chemistry – and we ended up having a few too many drinks and we ended up going back to my place and having sex. on the first date.
We hung out again a few days later and we had sex again. The next day he called me again wondering when I was free next.
Does this guy like me, or does he just wanna fuck? I can’t tell if he keeps calling me wanting to see me to get laid or because he likes me .. Have I ruined any chances of him seeing me as “Girlfriend Material” ?
Sex on a first date? Sure and I for one wouldnt hold that against a girl… On the other hand I cant actually remember ending up long term with any of the girls I went home with or took home on a first date. It would be an interesting study…
Maybe making us wait and put in a little effort actually does make us value the resultant relationship more?
I just dont know. Its not that some of those girls didnt want a longer term thing… but maybe I was just quicker to lose interest…
Anyone want to shout out if you have ended up in a good long term relationship or married to the girl you banged the night you met her? or the second time you got together…
I kind of think that once you are sleeping together its too easy to stop trying to get to really know her and just follow the successful formula that primes her to get back in your bed and repeat so you dont really fall for the person. She remains a great piece of ass but isnt “special” beyond that and so not someone youd think of staying with.
All conjecture… My ex wife held out for a couple months as friends but she kept ambiguously flirting, falling asleep in my dorm room on my bed after watching movies late etc… all my long term girl friends held out at least three dates (I think) before putting out. Anyone I can remember going right to bed with didn’t last more than a month or if they did it was just on a booty call benefits basis. Could be a coincidence, but I don’t think so.
I really think for a long term thing to happen, emotional infatuation has to at least begin before sex overwhelms that aspect of the relationship.
Delicia, I wouldn’t think that. But if you are spending the night together AND making out then leaving him without release you are cruel and heartless AND a tease.
Blue ballz is terribly painful. It feels like your testicals are heavy and extremely tender. almost like every time they move or brush your leg your getting a dull “racked” feeling.
Its OK to spend the night talking and light fooling around but if you really get him going and then stop, you should be aware its more than just a psychological downer for us.
You could at least use yr hand if you don’t want to go to intercourse.
A tease or not has to do with whether you actively lead him to think it is going to end in sex and then you say no as a habitual behavior, not if it just sort of happens by accident once or twice.
I have another question – guys, what do you think if you’ve been on a few dates with a girl and the first time you spend the night you don’t have sex? Would you think the girl’s a tease and lose interest?
Ok, female perspective: I have never fully understood why women fret over this subject. It’s not about what the man thinks of you! It’s about self-respect! Sorry, I’ve never “put out” on a 1st date and don’t intend to, because I RESPECT MYSELF more than that. Sure, I’ve wanted to, but seriously that’s like jumping in the sack with a total stranger and I’m not going to lower my standards to that. So, the girls that ponder this subject need to get some self-respect.
“men are hunters”, “they should chase you”, “delay sex for some weeks and months and men will value you more”. what a filthy misogynist crap. women use their bodies as a hook and admit that it is just the bodies that mean.
to have sex at the first date is to check straightaway if the guy is worth paying attention to. morning-after reaction is the best touchstone
No it doesn’t kill it In fact it can keep you from making a bad decision and let you know up front how FREAKY things can be so that if you are attracted and the Sex is good then you can end your search and just be with …But just make sure you take time to know NAME
The way I look at it is: would you let a complete stranger into your house and give them full access to everything that you have? No, right? Well, you’re doing the same thing when you have sex on the first date. I’m not a prude, but I do have self-respect as well as respect for the person I’m with/people I date. I want to get to know someone and have them get to know me before sex is involved. And for me, there has to be love/a strong connection there. Otherwise, it’s not enjoyable for me because it feels empty. You’re not going to have a real connection with someone you just met – it’s infatuation/hormones!
I went on a first date on Friday with a guy, and the mutual attraction was undeniable. At the end of the date, he gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. It was polite and respectful of me. Oh, I WANTED more….he’s attractive, he smelled really good and we had a good date…but I also admit that it’s fun waiting for the tension to build.
WELL I THINK SEX ON THE FIRST DATE IS NOT ALL BAD AS LONG AS YOU ARE PROTECTED AND NOT GOING ON THREE NEW DATES A WEEK. BUT IF YOU ARE SMART ABOUT IT AND FEELING THAT PERSON THEN GO FOR IT AND IF THE SEX IS GOOD THEN EVEN BETTER BECA– USE IF A RELATIONSHIP DOES DEVELOP THEN YOU KNOW THAT THE SEX WILL BE GOOD. INSTEAD OF WAITING FALLING FOR THAT PERSON THEN HAVING SEX WIT THEM AND FINDING OUT THEY ARE HORRIBLE IN THE SACK
and by the way sex with that one person that you KNOW you love and can trust would be more fun and fulfilling than any hook up