Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
If the sex is bad, then yes. If the two people find they have great chemistry, then go home together and the guy blows his load in two seconds or fails to get an erection, they are probably not going to stay together. If a man is bad at sex, he should hold it off until the woman is emotionally attached to him. At that point, if she really does love him, she’ll stay regardless of his inability to perform.
I know two couples right now together and successfull that slept with each other on the first date so I think to each his own!!!
Me personally I am entirely too emotional and gulible to have sex with someone on the first date. I have been tricked before by a guy telling me everything that I wanted to hear just to get me in bed. The problem is I always take people for what they say, it never crosses my mind that they are lying in the moment because I am gulible and I can admit that and except that about myself and go forward with that in mind.
THAT IS THE POINT I THINK EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW THEMSELVES AND WHAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF BEFORE THEY GET INTO THESE SITUATIONS.
It is very frustrating because some men see me as a challenge and they keep trying to get me in bed but are unwilling to date me they just want to “break me.”
I say move on to those guys, I am very stubborn I know what I want and I want a relationship, someone to share my life with.
Sometimes I doubt and second guess myself (the stupid girl in me comes out) and I think maybe if I weren’t so uptight in the sex area I wouldn’t still be single. And I don’t mean the whole keep him with sex stupidity theory, I just mean that I think some men get the wrong impression of me that I am cold and uptight. Also that there is just no chemistry or passion between me and said guy, the problem with me is that I very often hold back and control myself which I am hearing from most of my friends is not what most people do anymore they just kinda of do what they want to do. I’M JUST VERY DIFFERENT.
BOTTOM LINE IS WHAT WILL BE WILL BE, that is the thing that I have learned most from life…. if a couple is meant to be together they will be regardless of how they started.
WHICH IS ANOTHER THING THERE ARE NO RULES TO DATING!!
There are things you probably shouldn’t do on a first date but if you do those things and the guy or girl is really into you anyway it isn’t going to matter, in fact you both will probably look back on it and laugh in the future.
Okay, I met this boy one night at first I didn’t want anything to do with him didn’t find him really good looking or anything. I got to know him on a friday night.. really started to like him. I mean it was like something hit me. I just liked him. Saturday night came around we hung out then went back to his room and everything was perfect then we got in the mood and asked him if we wanted to “do it” and of course I did. The next morning we just looked at each other in our eyes. Then I told him I had to go. We kept on seeing each other and talking.
I got to know so much about him. He’s had a very rough life. and he tells me he needs someone like me in his life someone that has good influence on him. which is me. and someone that he can talk to and I can help him go back to normal. I pray and hope that he gets better. He’s the man I want to marry. I love him so much. I never really came out and told him. But, he always comes and goes outta my life. It’s just an odd relationship. He just can’t let me go. Yes, we both like the sex. But, I think I should just hold off? Alls I know I’m something good that he needs in his life, it’s very messed up. But, I hope sex didn’t break us apart. It didn’t seem that way! I need some adivse
Im 26, I was dating this guy when I was 17,we dated for awhile during Highschool but after we graduated I never saw him again until now, we went on 3 dates and on the third date we had sex.he still calls me but I dont answer,I just sent him a txt last night telling him I dont want to see him no more and he txted back “not fair” I feel like we rushed and I never had sex that early with someone.I wish I would have waited, now I feel like I dont want to see him no more.should I give us a chance or move on since I dont feel right about what we done?
A lot of these comments are ridiculous. Ladies, I will tell you the complete truth. Let’s ignore all the religious zealots because I would like to keep this post rooted in reality and logic. I’m also going to ignore a lot of the teenagers and old ladies because the former still has to live with their parents and their parents’ indoctrination, and the latter, well, they’ve been married for years so they in retrospect may want to take back all those hook-ups with guys that didn’t work out for scoreboard purposes, or they grew up in a different world. I’m a 27 year old guy, very well-educated, and live in a very urban area. I go on many dates and will give you the straight dope.
Sleeping with a guy on the first date does not alter your chances for a relationship at all. I say this having been in a long-term relationship with a girl I slept with on the first date. My best friend recently got married to a fantastic girl, and they have I relationship I’m envious of. They slept together 10 hours after they first met. I’m not necessarily saying it improves your chances (though I think there’s an argument to be had there) but I don’t think it kills them at all.
Another poster pointed this out, and I think it’s dead on- it’s not that sleeping with a guy on the first date killed the relationship, it’s that girls have slept with a guy on the first date who didn’t want to be in a relationship, and when he didn’t call back they chalk it up to a single bad decision (Sleeping with him killed our future!) rather than the truth, which is that he didn’t want to be in a relationship WITH ME to begin with (which is a statement about oneself, rather than one’s single bad decision).
If he didn’t want to be in a relationship, well you were both horny so at least you got a fun fling out of it. The relationship part didn’t change. The bottom line is that, unless a guy is one of these religious types that thinks their future life should be virginal (or at least wants to try to pretend she’s some antiquated notion of “pure”), for a normal, modern guy sex on the first date doesn’t harm things and might even help them. Those purity-types tend to be younger (before they understand how the world actually works), so maybe I would modify my advice slightly to say that perhaps it’s better to hold off a little with the younger guys.
Just to close, remember ladies- if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, and he has your number, he knows how to reach you. If he doesn’t, well, it may be the “relationship” part and it may be the “you” part. But it isn’t the sex part. By the end of the date part the guy will usually already know if he wants to see you again; what happens for “dessert” is just for fun.
While I’m here and dishing the straight talk, I’m just going to make a few more points:
1. If a guy doesn’t call you back after a date, it doesn’t make him a “jerk”. Labeling him a jerk says more about you than about him. You’re reaching for a common defense mechanism by placing the blame on him rather than on you. Guys get rejected a million times at bars and learn early to roll with it. Yet some girls have this unjustified dating philosophy that can be summed-up as “I’m a delicate little flower.”
2. Do not lie about your weight in an online profile, and do not conceal it in your pictures. This is the quickest way to make sure a guy doesn’t call you back after a date from an online site. And frankly it’s as annoying as what girls must feel like when guys lie about their height. If the guy is attracted to your body style on the date, he was already attracted to it (or at least not turned off by it) online.
2a. If you’re debating the weight bait and switch, there’s a better solution- Lose Weight. I don’t understand how many girls think it’s acceptable to be over weight. Perhaps harsh, but it’s true (and this site might be one of the few places you actually hear this truth). Being over-weight is for most guys unattractive, and unhealthy. Some of you might be thinking “Oh my god! This is the kind of social pressure that makes so many women insecure about their bodies!” No. I’m tired of hearing this garbage. Firstly, it isn’t “social pressure”- being overweight is _scientifically_ highly correlated with worse health and lower fertility. There have been a few times in the past where a “plump” girl was viewed as more attractive. This was during times when food was scarce and being plump was a good signal that you came from a good family and could actually have enough to eat. That isn’t a problem these days in the developed world.
Secondly- rejecting a girl who is over-weight _does not_ mean a desire for a girl who is underweight. I don’t know a single guy who is attracted to an anorexic body style and the nastiness of ribs showing. Most guys like normal, fit girls. That doesn’t mean “junk in the trunk” (though I guess some guys like that). But don’t let your body go and then complain about the lack of attention from guys. If you find yourself buying those blouses with the poofy crap on the front to hide your gut, then you’re overweight. By the way, you’re not fooling anymore. No guy I’ve ever talked to has been surprised by what was under the clothes once they came off. The only surprises ever come when the alcohol is wearing off.
3. Guys really don’t care about your shoes, and especially don’t care about your handbag. I have never, ever heard a straight guy say he didn’t like a girl because “she didn’t have a sense of style.” I have, however, heard guys say “she’s pretty cute, maybe if she did changed her hair and dressed in more revealing clothes she would be HOT.” However, even in those instances everyone knew she was attractive to begin with. In dating, looks are important, as is intelligence, but for a relationship one of the most important things is that you’re adventurous and fun to be around. I’ve had many relationships where I might have been on the edge at first based on everything else, but the girl was so much fun that it pushed me very happily towards starting a relationship. On the other hand, if you’re already obese and stupid, personality isn’t going to help.
4. Lastly, don’t put sex on a pedestal, and don’t think there’s some sort of quid-pro-quo. It’s just sex. If you have the attitude that a guy owes you something because you two had sex, well, you’re going to be a very high-maintenance wife someday.
Miss Piggy:
I read your posting and I think that part of a problem we have these days in relationships is the assumption of roles like the ones you portray in your post. I think men and women have gotten closer in their demeanor and sexual practices than it was at traditional times.
Women are acting like men a lot more often than not, and I mean, they pick up guys and change partners often, and have sex without a relationship very often. That is why men , after having seen this, are leery of women that enggage in sex at first dates.
It is not that a woman, of females are bad, it is the notion that a person ( we men know that having sex on a first date leads to fun more than relationships…not a rule, but the average ).. that engages in sex that fast is not really looking for a significant other.
You talk about who gets hurt more often, and you assume it is women. I do not agree with that, fact is, many men get hurt big time, difference is, women cry it over and talk it over with friends, men eat it and implode. So the statistics are wrong there, you can not include in those estatistics what is not there to include,not visible, which would be the imploding mind of a hurt man , again, not there for a statistic to take into acount unlike the case of a woman telling the whole universe of hers that a guy dumped her .
You talk about sex being the ultimate decider in a woman’s mind to take the man in question as partner or not. If that was the case, then sex should happen later on, not on first dates.
But my point here is that men and women are acting in very similar ways today, neither worse or better than the other. Whereas in the past the roles were clearly demarcated, today the roles are blurred, and by roles I mean the dating scene and the singles world. Woman are acting more like independent and self assured guys, and men are showing more of their hidden expectations and feelings, we are moving closer together, and we both have to adapt.
My mistake. It reads:
“” A women that is focused on sex alone feels like a prostitute, and that is what I want to be with nor share my life with.””
Should read:
“” A woman that is focused on sex alone feels like a prostitute, and that is NOT what I want to be with nor share my life with.””
The last woman I had sex with on the first date ended in disaster.
This woman seemed to be focused 99% on sex alone.
Everytime we had sex, she wanted immediate sex, and was very demanding, while she was nothing extraordinaire at all in her performance.
It became stressfull, to the point that I felt having sex with her was an obligation, a duty, a performance exam.
Needless to say, this woman was not loving, caring, she did not know what foreplay is, she did not know how to make love in other ways aside from sex, what a loving couple do.
This sounds weird perhaps, like a reversal of roles, but it is not. Men need love as much as women need it. We both need sex, but in my case, I am a guy that makes love, I do not have sex. A women that is focused on sex alone feels like a prostitute, and that is what I want to be with nor share my life with.
A woman that wants sex on the first date is an alarm call in itself. I am sure the exception to the rule is there as usual, but women that jump on the sack that fast are not only physically oriented in the sex department, these woman will change men like they change bras every day.
Off course, if two persons, guy and gal, are sexually inclined to physical sex, and not particularly interested in a loving relationship, then I guess that would be heaven for both of them.
It all comes down to which kind of relationship you are looking for, a intimate loving relationship? or a sexual adventure.
Maybe we should be asking what men and women associate with sex on a first date?
Given some of the responses here and on other forums, some men clearly have a poor opinion of women who will sleep with them on a first date. Let’s exclude them from our thinking for the moment, partly because I can’t see why many women would want to be with a man who judges men and women differently on their sexual behaviour.
Assuming that there are men who will sleep with a woman on their first date, but won’t judge them negatively simply for that, why does it often end up that the woman is hurt if the sex doesn’t turn into something longer term?
I’d suggest that many women have already sized up a potential date for long term relationship potential before they agree to going on a date – they’ve thought about the guy’s status, job, personality, interests, looks and so on. For them, a great connection on the date plus great sex is the final piece in the puzzle, and the woman is then keen to start a proper relationship with the man. (Or sometimes the woman might think the man isn’t her ideal, but then the sex is so good that she completely revises her opinion – that’s how I got started with my fiance :-))
It also seems to me that many men take longer than women to decide whether they want a long term relationship with a particular person. Also, they’re perhaps less good at sizing up the opposite sex and haven’t yet worked out whether the woman meets their key criteria – they might just think she’s hot and go on the date as a first step to finding out more about her. If sex is available, the man might take it up, even if he’s already decided during the date that the woman isn’t right for him in other ways.
Or the man might well think, that was a great date, especially the sex, but I’m not sure if I know whether I want to be with this woman long term.
If the woman is clearly wanting to see the man again (‘cos she’s already done her thinking), this seems to freak some men out. If a man hasn’t been able to judge yet whether a woman’s right for him, he might assume that she also shouldn’t yet know whether he’s right for her – this woman wants a relationship but doesn’t know me well enough to decide – therefore she must be unbalanced or desperate = run away!
So perhaps the question could be, if sex is the final decider for women about a guy’s suitability, but it’s just an early part of the deciding process for a man, how should sex be managed during dating so that no one ends up upset? Maybe a woman in this situation should have sex if she wants to, but should pretend that she’s not that interested in a LTR? Seems a bit dishonest, but I’m not sure what the other options might be, other than to have a proper adult conversation about it all before leaping into bed – unlikely?
the guy
My fiance and I had sex on our 1st date but I don’t think this is specific enough I mean if you only knew eachother for a week…then no that’s not ok. But, my fiance and I were best friends since 6th grade and did not start dating until we were 21and we’re getting married! So…it all depends.
I think it depends on where this date begins…
Did you just meet practically, like a blind date, or you met in a coffee shop? First date sex is not right, you will be a booty call in the future…
Are you long time friends and seen each other trough good times and bad times with other people and now your giving it a go? First date sex might not be bad, but be aware it will forever change your friendship… Maybe even kill the friendship.
Are you moving from the just talking stage to dating? Then sex on the first date will probably be great and not judge wrongly…
If your in a bar, it’s close to closing time, the lady next to you rubs your upper leg and asks if you want a date… This is not a good time to worry about if sex is appropriate on the first date – this is the time to find your keys or call a cab and go home, and thank your lucky stars you watch Miami vice and recognize a cop when you see one… And while you wank on off in your sock you can think of me and say a little thank you my way… – Lo-ND
My experience has taught me that women that take a guy home and do him first night are women that do same all the time with different guys.
It is not the stigma that a woman that does this should be a player, but it is actually the case.
On a couple occassions, when I was younger, I tried to hold on to that hot sexy girl that had me follow her home panting and cocky on that first date.
Those women are wild, and I say wild in the sense that these women grew up, or got used to , screwing guy after guy, living like guys themselves.
So when one particular guy in one of these particular nights, the ” pick of the night ” decides he likes that girl that picked him up that night, this guy will soon find out that the woman in question has no intention of taking any guy as a permanent boyfriend, instead, she is content with eating man after man, she is a “man eater” like the old song said.
Nothing bad about the girl in reality, women have the right to act like that as men do, all I am saying is that any woman that wants sex on a first night is not worth any serious effort . She could be a friend with benefits, but if you are entertaining the thought of making her your girlfriend, think again, a Raven would not look happy in a cage!
Sex on a first date is not a precursor to anything.It does not make or break a shot at a relationship.Americans for a long time clung to their religious and moral values.These tended to place woman in roles that they were unhappy in because of the restrictions that kept them from being able to express themselves.physically and emotionally.Along came the sixties and the womans movement along with the sexual revolution.Women began learning how to expressed all those things that “Values” and Morals” had kept repressed.Their fight to become “equals in the work place also exposed them to more opportunty to express those desires.Unfortunatly men are slow learners and we still have difficulty expressing ourselves yet alone understanding the new found freedoms of women.Comunication is still the key to building a relationship.Honesty is the cornerstone,If you just want to get laid then do so but be HONEST.Men suffer emotionally too but we still have a code of REAL MEN DON”T CRY( B.S,) we just don’t express those things well.If you feel comfortable enogh to have sex on a first date then enjoy yourself by all means. Who gave us the right to judge you anyway.
Serious sex question….
I am in love with sex and I have experienced many guys attracted to me . However once i give them sex they fall in love with the physical part and turn me down when I hint about commitment.I try so hard to not give it up because every time i do i get turned down in the long run. My question is men why is it so hard to commit to a beautiful independent woman in which you have great sex with?!!! I will never understand 🙁
I HAVE A PROBLEM!!! I just had my first, first date sex Last night I had an amazing date with this wonderful guy, I mean amazing everything was perfect, I felt such a powerful attraction to him we went to have sushi and really enjoyed ourselves there and then went to a bar afterwards the we went back to his place and things were hot and heavy for about 2 hours then I decided to go fool around in the bedroom, he got up for something so I surprised him being naked when he came back and we obviously had sex, he was very sweet and constantly kissed me while having sex with him. I then slept over and then we woke up this morning and it was nice just laying there talking, then we went to breakfast then we had to go our separate ways. He hasn’t called me, will he? or did I ruin my chances? And when is he going to call since he hasn’t tonight…