Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
No offense but why do you have gay men giving women dating advice? Would you have lesbians give men dating advice?
Sometimes in depends with what u both seeking for on that first date…….if u both want it to go further…….u have a relationship going…….if its just one of u looking for a long-term thing……it will be doomed, if one is just looking for a chance to satisfy the biological urge..then again it kills chances of a relation.
i think it depends on the people involved, as well. one first date of mine extended late into the night where we got very drunk and had sex, and we continued to date, however that guy was looking for a drinking buddy/sure thing and thought he had found it, where i was looking for a relationship. Yet another first “date” (it was a weekend trip with a group of new friends), I had an instant connection with this guy, we were inseperable all night, and once everyone had gone to bed we had sex. It hasnt accelerated or decelerated our relationship, its just a fact. i think as long as both your heads are in the same place as to what it means, its not a relationship killer.
With very few exceptions, most women I have gone out with that wanted sex on the first date are women that are looking for that, exactly that, a sexual partner.
If I were looking for sex only, that works fine, but if I were looking for a girlfriend, a partner in life, then I would say these women ( the ones that look for sex on forst dates ) are usually not the ones to pursue.
In our society women are exercising the same freedom men exercise, and many women are enjoying sex w/o a relationship the way men do. Being a man, I do not know how women , or if women can tell a difference between a man that wants sex on first dates vs a man that is not that demanding, but I do see that difference in women, most women that demand sex on first dates are women that need no nor want any relationship, so caveat emptor.
Go with your feelings!! Many worry more that act!! The only way to tell is to do it.
Sex is a celebration of living. There are millions of men who may be relationship material, but not lovers. Sex and love are not necessarily the same or with the same person! Sex is NOT better because you are “in love”. It is better when you are in LUST!!
The only reason my wife and I didn’t have sex on the first date is she had my step son with us . The next time, we went out without him and yes we had sex . That was 30 years ago.
If the guy or girl isn’t looking for a serious relationship having sex on the first date will not change that one way or the other. My advice is be careful, be safe have fun and stop confusing sex and love. Is sex better when you are in love of course it is. Oh by the way if a woman has alot of sex it doesn’t make her a slut just experienced.
mmm…I find that so many men are just asking me out because they want to have sex. Not sure what they want after that, but not providing sex does see a huge drop out rate. I’d suggest holding off for a while to test the other person’s intentions.
Daniel… Thank you!
I feel like every bit of advice on the internet continues to tell women how they HAVE to wait because men will always drop them if they put out early. relationshipheadquarters is especially bad. This is really reassuring.
“an old skool way of thinking about sex and love”
any man after having sex with a women judgethe relationship and the women is a complete jerk and hipocrite .
“first date” isn’t specific enough–you may have been flirting and pursuing this person for quite a bit before an actual date happens. I don’t see what’s so wrong about sex on the first date then. Meeting someone and then that night or a few days later shacking up? Ya it’s most likely going to end in a one-night stand. But I do know guys where it’s all the “chase”–but that doesn’t mean holding out on sex will make them stick around! I think they already decided that beforehand usually, even if they didn’t tell you (sometimes it sucks to be an “independent” girl because men assume you don’t have feelings).
I have never had sex with a guy on the first night, but one guy i did and a year later we were married:] now we have a 5 month old daughter. I’m not saying to do that, but it won’t hurt.
Reading through some of these comments have helped answered my question in some ways. Though, I am still mixed and need to get advice from the guys what they think it means to them if sex happens on the first date? I went out with someone I met a few days ago in a club. He is rather sweet and I think our relationship is going to go some where. I think the key is to have trust in your partner and your partner to have trust in you especially, if they care and want to get to know you better am I right or wrong? At first, I thought he was going to be a joker like half the guys I meet a clubs.Some are only interested in having sex that same night and he wasn’t all about that! I can tell because he wasn’t high or anything just really into the moment with each other. We went out on a date a few nights ago and we hit it off pretty well. Little did I know we got to kissing each other and I just felt the passion between us. It had been a while since we both have been in a relationship. I understand sex is an art it means something. I suppose the question here is it okay to have sex on the first date? If the guy likes me enough and wants to peruse something?
I am a middle-aged woman who has been divorced for many years. Let me tell you a true story that happened about 10 years ago. I was working in a restaurant and would see this Greek man once a week who delivered vegetables in his beat-up van. We were attracted to each other and talked a little bit here and there. He pursued me, but I was dating someone else. When I broke up with the man I was seeing, we went out on our first date. It was fun. He told me “I grew up on a beautiful Greek island and have businesses there. I go back every summer.” I’m thinking, Yeah, right! He kissed me when once during our date, and it was good. En route to taking me back to my car, the next thing I knew, he pulled into a hotel. I was shocked because nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I said “No.” I figured I would never see him again. BUT he called and we went out on our second date. Afterwards on that second date, I was intimate with him (with protection, of course). I had not been with hardly anyone since my divorce, so I was curious about how it would be with someone else, more than anything. We continued to see each other and our feelings grew.
Can you guess what happened? YES, he did come from a spectacular Greek island and he did have businesses there. YES, he loved me and I him and I spent several summers on this Greek island. Our relationship lasted six years.
So, the moral of the story? I took a chance and it panned out for me. I never, ever expected it to work out the way it did. In fact, when we talked about it later, we both were only initially looking to have sex and never expected it to develop into what it did. So, you just never know!
Sex on the first date is like everything else in a potential relationship – if the man likes a woman, there’s very little she can do wrong. If he doesn’t feel right about doing the deed so soon, he’ll either stop it from happening or be open to a conversation about it once it’s done. If he dumps her, he wasn’t so into it in the first place.
At the same time, I’m starting to see the benefit of waiting. Sex is so much more scrumptious when there’s been buildup and tension. And it’s always better not to feel like strangers after!
MS.
I do not think the issue as presented by these women is lack of performance, the issue is having sex too soon, or holding sex for too long.