Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
what if the guy knows for the years on a casual basis and recently caught up with you again? he came off straight and asks for the casual relationship after we made out? after several attempts of communication, he is still hesistant about going on public dates, at least not until sexual favors are exchanged.
does 3 months of online foreplay count?
It really just depends on the the two persons involved. I had sex on the first date with my ex and we were together over 6 years. I had sex on the first date with the guy I’m with now – we’ve had the normal getting to know you ups and downs like all couples. Some people like to wait – some people don’t and some people should – different strokes – horney folks!!!
I once went on a blind date with a young woman and mutual friends. I took her home but couldn’t stay long as I had to prepare for a meeting the next day. I was visiting my company’s office in her city and that meeting was the primary reason I was in town. I will say that she was the nicest woman I’d met and regretted leaving so suddenly.
A couple of days later, my friend chided me for not staying and said she’d have slept with me that night. I was conflicted as I liked her but I wasn’t in to casual sex and had to think for a while about calling her. I actually fussed over it for about a week.
Finally I decided that I couldn’t let this one pass. I sent her flowers and called her. As we lived in different cities, I invited her to spend a weekend with me. That weekend was one of getting to know each other and a lot of sex. I visited her two weeks later. We spend four days together. The sex was great but the time we spent together was the key element of building our relationship.
Bottom line is we met in May and were married in October and have been together for over 30 years. Have always considered those long weekends as better than dating as we spent a lot of time together (seven days) and got to know each other (and not just physically).
For my part, I almost didn’t go forward with the relationship because of my friend’s comment. She did tell me later that she’d have slept with me that first night and when I left didn’t think she’d ever see me again.
I recently met a guy online. After about a month of conversing, we met. The chemistry was just there. He was funny,smart, and career oriented (All of the qualities I love), etc. Well it happened. I can’t remember when I have been so attracted to someone. He was so attentive to my needs. The connection was so great that it scared me.Thinking that he would think bad of me, I ran. I’m still not sure how to handle it. I would love to see him again and again, I mean long term relationship-like. Since we never discussed one another’s expectations, I’m afraid to let him know how much I’m into him. Should I shut up and wait or let him know how I feel?
LOLLL VELI!! keep your knickers on! 😉
I had a crush on this guy who arrived at my office, as time went by, we got along, and emailed each other very often. in his emails he would always talk about how he would like to sleep with me, eventually i fell into his trap, but after that incident, i never heard of him, he didnt call, nor sent an sms or email. I hate him to beats.
Recently, I had met a man online and spoke to him by webcam and phone for three months until we met in person. I was as attracted to him as he was to me. Everything we needed to discuss was already established before we met in person. I felt I knew him truly. We had a lot in common. He is 39 and I am 40, neither one ever married, and no kids. We both have been through some trials with prior relationships and were ready to settle down. He laid out his intentions to me. I did all the listening and was very cautious to how I would respond to his needs. Using wisdom, I thought I was on top of my game. Our first date was awesome so I had thought until the day after. He was such a gentleman by opening doors, pulling out my chairs, taking my coat, great conversation, holding my hand and was stealing kisses all night long from me. Money wasn’t an issue he paid for the meals and concert. I invited him in the house for a night cap and it was on from there. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Self control went out the door once the horn moans were turned on it was hard to stop. I never wanted it to go this far, but he was begging and was all over me. I wanted to see him again and again and try to build a long lasting relationship. I felt horrible the next day when he said he would come by but never showed up. He phoned with an excuse. He said he would contact me on Wednesday, which was four days later. What the heck… Now, I’m turned off by him and don’t know how to react.
Well… It takes two to tangle. For a man to judge a woman because they had sex on the first date say’s very little about himself. Sin is sin, no matter how you look at it. The act was committed due to a lack of restraint and self control on both parts. Neither one is better than the other, nor can they escape judgment from God. She’s just a reflection of the man in their own reality. It’s called the laws of attraction. To put down the female by blaming and shaming her to think she’s promiscuous, fast and easy when in doubt it was consensual by both parties, then what does say about the man? He lacks the same morals and ethics as she does. So why does all the weight fall heavy on the woman? Double standards are terrible in America. I think it’s an easy way out for a man because he doesn’t have the proper skills to express what his true motives are… Therefore, make the girl feel like shit!!
Well, judging from my dates the thought of sex on even the fifth date would have horrified the women I dated, so anything sooner than that would most likely have been even worse. But then I got prostate cancer and surgery disabled my equipment, so it doesn’t matter anymore. My advice: find a woman who feels about like you do. If she is horrified, or acts horrified, find someone else. Judging from the responses here, they certainly seem to be there.
I read all these comments and they seem to make sense, but no one gives clear reasons for or against sex on the first date. That Mike guy, well his was totally ambiguous and I think I dated him for Three years!!
I always had the no sex rule on the first date until I met my current guy. It just felt right and it was. We are still together after 14 months. Of course it’s something we keep between us and talk/laugh about it almost every night.
As a woman, in a normal scenario, I would try not to do it on the first date… However, the current relationship I have – we started out as nothing more than a fling. We knew it from the start that we both were just looking for fun…but then we’ve remained friends and somehow it has now developed into a steady bf/gf relationship. In fact, thinking back this is the way it happened between me and one of my ex-boyfriends as well. Like many comments above, there is no fixed rules.
This rarely ever happens to me. Almost every women I’ve dated refuse to have sex on the first date. While I understand the reasons..mostly being that they dont want a one night stand..or that they dont want a relationship strictly based on sex..blah blah blah…….NO!!!! There’s nothing wrong with sex on the first date. If the chemistry is there and you feel it’s right and so does your partner…nothing wrong at all. But do realize that it can have an effect on things in the long run. You do run the risk of the relationship going in reverse. I’ve been there before (the couple times it has happened) where I have had sex on the first date. It was wonderful, dont get me wrong…but they did not end well. But that’s not to say that it always ends bad. For me, I know I have a high sex drive and that if I am in a relationship then I will want sex quite often. I have found that almost every woman translates that into “All he wants is sex” which is far from the truth, but it’s like trying to convince a turtle that it’s a rabbit.
Vin, haven’t you heard of the book “Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Men”? (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Tips-Straight-Women-Gay/dp/B0028N7370/emandlo-20) It’s hilarious, not to mention totally helpful — all the cool kids are doing it. There doesn’t seem to be an equivalent book (i.e. Sex Tips for Straight Men from a Lesbian). We’re not sure why. Any ideas?