Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
I just had sex with someone that is completely “out of my league.” We chatted for over a week and by the time he came here we could barely keep our clothes on.
I need to say that we are in our 50s. Good, hot, casual sex is not just for the young.
Still, I have the fears of him never calling again or thinking I’m “too loose.”
I’m confused on how this sex on the first date idea, I’m 20 years old and I’ve had my share of experiences, I’ve learned what I want and how to get it and I’ve mastered on saying “no” well a co-worker set me up to meet this guy she knew, turns out we went to highschool together but neither was available at the time, well he came to my work, I’m a barista, and we talked as I worked, we exchanged numbers and met up that night we went to a friends house with another couple and had drinks while watching movies and just talking, well we ended up having sex that night, it was amazing, probably the best I ever had, well by the end of the night or should I say the next morning we went to my place, well the next night we had sex again! This guy really intrests me, he is the only guy I’ve met that may actually be on my level! We’re both in our 20s, single, students and working for a living… Well he didn’t ask me out again, and when I asked he seemed to have ignored the messege, is all lost or may we still have the opprotunity to click again? Yuu all seem to know allot about this so I took this opprotunity to ask a quesion!
it seems like almost all the dates i’ve been to, at least from internet dating the guy always wanted to have sex with me on the first date. I dress sexy but not slutty, and i am just really confused about this. I mean what kind of girl do guys want to sex with on the first date?…is it someone that they want to have a realtionship with or not?… is it someone that they are attracted to and like? or just want to have a one night stand.
I never have sex on the first or or any other date until i feel ready by the way.
I met this beautiful gal on a dating website. We had a second date, had a great time, spent the entire day together. At the end of the evening we ended up at her home, and one thing lead to another..thought we both had a great time and I was totally interested in seeing her again…the next morning..she sent me a “dear john letter”…so obviously in this case..it was way too soon. I knew in my head this might happen..still hurts when it does..live and learn I guess
I think when a woman has sex on the first date it at least makes the guy wonder how many men she has taken home before. Men are expected to try everything they can to get the girl in the sack. Women have to decide for themselves if the stigma of being thought of as easy or slutty is something that won’t bother them. Men by definition are easy. We have no concern of being thought of this way. I have had relationships develop from sex on the first night, however it seems the woman always ends up hurt because of the strong feelings that she develops. I think women should be physically guarded if the thought of the situation being a one night stand will hurt them. Bottom line if you know you won’t develop feelings, and being thought of as easy doesn’t bother you go for it. If it does wait a little while.
I’m 26, I’ve dated quiet a few guys and slept with most of them on the first date or close to it. I’ve also had many one night stands because I just love sex. One thing I’ve learned is that even though some of the relationships last a while they still all end about the same way. The relationship regardless of how long it lasts ends up being all about sex. Guys loose some respect for a woman when she has sex on the first date and though they like having you around that’s about all they want. As far as the internet things, I mean if your having cyber sex I’m sure if you meet it will be a one night stand come on think about it. I think its better to wait until you know someone before sex comes into play. If you really like someone it will be worth waiting for both of you. And ladies use your common sense.
actually, that’s how I feel. I started having sex when I was 14. Had all kinds of men, however that has never interfered with my education and later career. But things have changed since I turned 27. I started getting attached to the guys I sleep with. Well, first of all I work a lot, so I don’t really have as much time as I used to for going out and just sleeping around. But for the past 2 years this “guy” thing has been killing me. A little over a year ago I met that guy and it has been a hell. He is very good looking, has money, he’s in his 40’s but… preoccupied with golfing, boating, work… I feel like I am a secondary thing to him. Yet we’ve been together for over a year. This situation pisses me off so bad, but I cannot detach emotionally. My job performance suffers. It’s not that I’m crazy in love, but just… stupid. I even told he to either marry me or stop calling me. He just laughed and called the other day to ask how is my hangover.
I feel like my teens were my 20’s and now I’m a high school girls happily in love.Wtf
I don’t know… I used to put out on a “first date”. Then I used to hold it. But I am a nympho, so whether I hold it or not the result is the same in the long run.
I slept with my ex on our first date..we lasted for 5 years and we are still in contact after 3 years apart…he must have liked it!! I think it depends on the situation and if both parties are up for it. I think many women think that if we put out on the first night that we will be judged,but let’s not forget it takes 2 to tangle..and if he thinks your easy then he is too!!! As long as your safe with it and know your limits then relax and enjoy. Life’s too short to worry about stuff like this..sex is sex and you’ve got to have it to find the wright partner..xxx
Hey there, I just read all your comments and still come to the conclusion that most Men would consider a relationship with a woman who doesnt sleep on a first night.
After my last relationship, I have been having lots of fun and not cared about what men thought of me for sleeping on the first night since all I wanted is have a good time…however this past year, I found myself getting emotionally attached to each man I slept with on a first night.
I keep thinking its because I am ready for a long term relationship and that it is no longer a good idea for me to sleep on a first night and that I am too sensitive and unable to put my emotions aside like I used to… so I keep telling myself to no longer do it then when I meet someone I am attracted to but I just can’t help it…and I keep repeating the same pattern over and over. I am the type of woman who is very spontaneous and simply too forward, I enjoy the spur of the moment and do not think of the consequences so I find myself miserable and upset when the guy doesnt call me back… I dont know how to resist the temptation…I feel like being European / Mediterraean descent makes it even more challenging… my exotic looks plays in my disfavor in America and attracts the wrong men. I feel like they view me as a chalenge and are only interested in having sex with me and dont take in consideration my feelings… how can I learn to control myself when I meet someone I am attracted to? Any ideas?
The problem with sex too fast is that it accelerates the intimacy beyond what the relationship can currently support. There is no such thing as casual sex with someone you have a connection with and care about. Have sex too fast and your brain gets confused. That’s why it tends to kill relationships. It would be like getting employee of the month on your first day on the job. Or being promoted from line cook to executive chef after on a week on the job. There is going to be a psychological disconnect while you try to catch up to your new status if at all.
I must say I came across this article while trying to find something to help me with my first date and sex dilemma. I’ve been talking to a guy I met online for some time now, the connection is definitely there and it feels as though we know each other well. There is definitely chemistry and more than just physical attraction. The conversation is great and never boring or awkward. I feel that us, both being adults, going into first date sex need to understand the risks. We will both have to evaluate and consider what would be beneficial to each of us, as well as understand what the other person sees happening next. I haven’t been able to pick up on any negative intent. I must say I was the one who started the “sexual compatibility” conversation and I am sure he thinks of me no differently. If it happens let it happen, be safe, enjoy yourself and be sure to separate emotions from carnal desire…as a woman I say go for it, as long as you understand the risks involved, what comes next relationship wise, (whether long-term is still a choice or this was just a one nighter) and you feel that the time is right, carpe diem ladies (or gentlemen)!!
We’ve had a similar discussion over on our site. A lot of our users (women too) don’t have a problem with it but for the most part they don’t generally practice it.
he texts everyday and asks me go to his house whenever he’s free on weekends. he said he wants to make sure there is enough chemistry going on between us before he can decide if the relationship is going anywhere. i just hates the idea that he always wants to have the upper hand and never ask me what i want. i just think it’s risky if he always gets to control the relationship.
My boyfriend and I slept together on our first date but we had been talking for a couple of weeks up to that point. It felt right and we went with it and are still together a year and a half later. I think we need to stop “thinking” about it so much. If it feels comfortable, do it and if he doesn’t call, then he wasn’t worth it.