Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
he was definitely playing you, guys call alot in the beginning sometimes, it doesnt mean they were after anything besides sex. I’ve done this before. Its a matter of finding a good guy. If a relationship with a guy dies just cause of sex, in 2010 that is not a good or emotionally mature guy. He is also probably an opportunist since he presents himself as compassionate up until sex. Could be trouble down the line in a real relationship.
I met dis guy on fbk.he calls more than twice each day with text msgs.until he invited me to his house the 1st time.we had sex that night after my 2yrs of abstnainance.he told me he love me,and i truly fall in love wit him. The next day i left,since then i’ve bn doin the callin.he doesn’t call nor txt lik he used to,unless i flash,always full of stories to tell why he had’nt call,and assures me that he still cares and that he is always their for me. He is inviting me again. I tink he is using me as a “booty call”
when me and my fiance met,we had sex on our first date.It was great but i felt horrible afterwards,i thought i had ruined my chances of a future with him,i thought maybe he thinks im trash and i give it away too easily.I couldn’y stand looking him in the eye for about a two days,until he told i have nothing tio be ashamed of and he feels great respect for me and does not think im a lose girl-he could tell i was bothered.that was four years ago,we haven’t looked back since,we are getting married in two months from now and so inlove with each other…..sex doesn’t ruin anything on a first date.I think its about how we communicate and act after we’ve done it as we all think that 1st impressions count the most!!
I think sex at the first date is nothing you need to be ashamed of in the 21st century. But you may consider that in most cases you dont know each other very well after spending only one evening together. So you need to be really sure to feel each others willingness to move on to the next level. Otherwise you could ruin it all and you’ll never know what might have happened at a second or third date. 😉
My bf and I were instantly attracted to each other when we met and we had sex on our first date, that was over a year ago and we are still together and got engaged. Women should trust their instincts though because not all guys are the same, some just hit and run… I say do what feels right because in the end, the number one relationship killer is lies and lack of communication!
I feel very confused about this and I am 51.
However I was married for 22 years and have been single for 10 and I am still confused about what’s right!!
The only conclusion I’ve come too is that you should not go anything you don’t feel right about doing. Or because you feel its expected. I don’t think a man will respect you any less because you have sex on the first date and if he wants something long term then he will come back whether you had sex with him or not.
I dont think women are slutty because they have had sex on the first date……however I do think there is an element of mystery if you can hold back for a few dates and personally it does make me feel a little more respect for myself. But feelings of chemistry and sexual arousal certainly do hamper your willpower that’s for sure!! So don’t feel bad if you do want to give in, We are all only human after all!!! After all if we didn’t have sex then there would be no future generations!!
Just stay safe and only do what you feel ready to do!!!
Take Care All
Well… my current boyfriend and I had sex several times before we even went on the first date and we’ve been together for two years. Be safe and be honest and if it’s meant to be between two people then does it really matter when they have sex?
I had sex with my ex boyfriend on the first date. In fact, it wasn’t even a date. We met at a party (as awful as that is) and have a lot of mutual friends that set us up. We had really great chemistry and went on a hike the next morning and found out we had a lot in common. Then we were together for almost a year. In that case, sex on the first date was almost an ice breaker, and it turned out really well. But there are always situations where one person is only looking for sex and goes into it with that mindset. I think it really depends on the person and the situatuion that you’re in, but sex on the first date is by no means a relationship killer by its self.
Being a woman, I must say WE as Woman, has to think very carefully before making sure a huge step. LIKE ANY OTHER WOMAN BEING A HUMAN BEING,its going to be guys that you want to have sex with on the first date because your human but think long and hard before you take that leappp…I know AS A WOMAN I have alot to lose, just the act itself can change my life forever….And we all know the acts I’m talking about.(girls)
Sex is the most amazing thing and I want to enjoy it, I’m greedy..I want to know everything about the man I date and every inch of his body. You don’t need to have sex to learn what works and what doesn’t. It just take time. Give yourself time to explorer. Touch more,talk less. Trust me, he would love you for it and love will seal both your hearts. Treat yourself to a lifetime of fun…..smiling. I did!….
well i knew my ex 2 days before having sex with him we only lasted 2 weeks. big mistake i also could be preg. i made all my other exs wait :/
Well it depends on whether yuur friend had feeling s for this person!
Aslo if the friendship is not important than “to each his own”
If this person rocks yuur boat (and I mean that in any sence) than take it as far is it will go, as yuu said earlier if its meant to be it will be. So enjoy the pleasure life has to offer.
But… If yuur friendship is that of value than I’d run the idea by yuur friend and just see what’s up that way yuu know what yuur in for
is it okay to have sex with a friends past sexual fling?..personally I dont see anything wrong with it because it was just that..however i would like to hear what people think..just curious.
I say fuck on the first date..if that is what you both want..if it’s going to be then it’s going to be. Youre not meant to be with everyone you sleep with anyways!!..I’m not saying just screw ANY/EVERYBODY..have some tact and choose wisely..and ladies keep your emotions in check..quite a few of us tend to ‘fall-in-lust/love easily..LOL! and happy orgasms!
Amy, you should NEVER feel “Trapped.” No means NO. Even if you went to his house, for whatever reason. Just because he bought you dinner doesn’t meant you “owe him” sex.
I hope you didn’t feel you “had” to have sex with men you didn’t want to, simply because they expected it.
“NO means NO.” is one of the most important things both women and men need to understand when dating.
I have experiences about this kind of man cheating. The scripts are always the same. Man talks about how he successful, be gentle in treating me, taking me for the dinner. Then they tried to trap me, find excuses or reasons to ask me drop by their place. And what happen next, just guess? They start to talk that they like me, and there is a chemistry between us…and then kisss…try to evoke my lust. All they want is sex. They’re not sincere. The first times, I was trapped but the second times I escaped.
I don’t believe that having sex the first date is good for the future relationship.
It’s OK for woman have sex on the first date if she only want sex. It’s wrong if woman believe she can have a good relationship with the man who only want sex on the first date. It’s only hurt.