Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
I meet a guy on a dating website over two weeks ago, we had an awesome connection, chemistry and many things in common, we felt comfortoable talking to each other. We have both been out of relationships for over 5 months. We even discussed sex. We just recently had our first date and it was an amazing date, i live over an hour away from him, so the idea was that i would stay the night at his place to avoid the long drive back late at night. He was a gentleman said it was up to me and that i could stay in his daughters room. Once there,showed me pictures of his kids, showed me his daughters room where i would be sleeping, and we moved on to watch a movie. He sat next to me, held my hands, was very affectionate. We ended up having sex, he stayed with me all night, and cuddled, treated me like a lady. This was on saturday, he did say he had a great time. We have only spoken once since about our thoughts of our dates and we both shared that we both had an amazing time and like to see each other again, had a good conversation about our lives. Being that he is a single dad and lives with his childre i know his schedule is tight becuase of that and work, so he briefly told me we would see each other again in about a week or so, when he doesnt have the kids. However, its been almost 2 days and he has not text or called me. Is this a sign that he is not interested in me, or that he is just so busy with everything he has going on that he has not had a chance to even say hello to me? What are your guys thoughts? i really appreciate it.
I met a guy on a site a couple of months ago and we arranged to meet up at his, watch a film and celebrate new years together. We ended up having sex I stayed a couple of nights but am now feeling the gitters that he might not call.
He did say he likes me and that he hasn’t felt this way about a lady in a while.
How long do I wait to call or do I wait for his call?
People on this site seem to think that sex is just intercourse. Sorry, but that’s not true.
If you are doing “everything but,” you are still having sex, but you aren’t having the intercourse part.
Sex is a lot more than intercourse and I get irritated when someone says, “We made out, did a lot of fooling around and I had a few orgasms, but we didn’t have sex.” Oh yes, you did have sex. 🙂
We need to ask, “Should I have intercourse on the first date?”
dump him immediately. that was callous of him. if he causes u pain at this early stage, it will only get worse. he really sd be an eager beaver at this point, so screw him. or rather, DONT screw him.
at this point, u r prob desperate to make him like u, so u feel an artificial sense of attraction to him. it is your ego that is hurt rather than an actual attachment to him. he is crap to keep u waiting. if he were a half-decent guy, he wd at least call with some excuse. put on some make up and go hit on a nicer guy. leave this loser-scum for another bimbo. his mama didnt raise him right. dude deserves a retard.
[i sd take this advice myself, but damn, its hard. be brave.
Hello,
Okay so I met a guy at a club about 1 week ago, we hooked up (made-out, etc) no sex though, he called me the next day and i feel like we hit it off. on our first date which was this sunday. we went to the movies, had wine at a bar and this time we had sex. we are supposed to see each other today, but he has not called yet.
to be continued…
I met a guy online, chatted for a few days and then met at his house to watch a movie. We did everything but have sex; I haven’t been with anyone in a while (got out of a relationship 1 1/2 years ago) and it felt great to feel beautiful and wanted. I don’t want this to be all we’re about, only hook-ups. I think there’s potential for a great relationship but am afraid if we started out having sex, will he expect this every time? Also, I feel like I am making more of the effort by texting and calling. He calls back and returns texts but I don’t want to seem over-anxious. I really like this guy. Do I need to get more of a life?
^ You sound like you’ve got it together and you know what you want… just don’t get over-excited about the relationship thing. It might happen, it might not. The surest way to sabotage yourself is to start over-thinking it.
I’d also give you the same advice I give to men (even though women don’t want to hear it and never follow it): don’t stop dating just because things went well with one guy on one night. KEEP DATING ACTIVELY until a relationship is explicitly established. I’m not saying you need to sleep with other people if you don’t want to, but you’re setting yourself up for disappointment by putting all your eggs in one basket.
I am a super picky girl, a fault of mine i cant help. I want a guy who is cute, confident (not cocky), good job, doesnt live with mommy. etc. After i got dumped by my ex 4 months ago i didnt think any guy i saw was worth my time. Well i took a guy home one thursday night because he was in no condition to drive and of course gave him my number. He texted the next day asking to take me to dinner and a movie but i had been sick so i said i didnt want to go out in public. We decided on staying in and watching movies at his house (idk if this counts as a first date) but we ended up having sex. We had talked for a while the previous two days and surprisingly found i liked him. but now im worried because i did like him but i let 4 months of no sex get the best of me. im not sure where to go from here, i think i actually want some sort of relationship with this guy…any thoughts how to go about it after first date sex?
I met a guy on MYB , we chatted for weeks , then met, had a few drinks, and slept together , that was just over two months ago…. we haven’t had a chance to get together again , but we do talk, text or e-mail every day since.. I did worry that I wouldn’t hear from him again, but we had talked about so much before we met that I shouldn’t have been concerned ….I agree though , life is too short not to take every opportunity at happiness:)
To Joseph:
Thanks for posting that. That makes me feel better. I guess the guy I just dated was not really into any relationship and only after sex. Maybe I don’t really deserve someone like him.
I admire you both..many good wishes to you and your wife. Cheers to a long happy life together!
When I first met my wife, we were instantly attracted to each other, and we made love within 3 hours of meeting. Now, 11 years on, we are married, have two children (aged 7 and 2), and are very happy. There are two many rules about what is right, what is wrong; you should just go with whatever feels right.
I am feeling bad right now after last night. I’m 38 and he is 28met this guy from a dating site for the first time after months of chatting thru phone/email. We were attracted to each other instantly. We had a drink and I was supposed to leave but then he invited me to his place and I hesitantly went anyway. Eventually we did it and when I left the following morning he promised to call me in the afternoon. Of course, no call or text. It makes me now feel guilty and I hate myself because I ruined what should have been a good relationship, and probably he thinks I am not worthy for a serious relationship. Did I really ruin everything with having sex on the first date?
My current Lady friend and I both wanted to have sex the first date but both held off. It made for a wonderful second date however and a third and a fourth before we actually did have sex. We both knew what we wanted, its hard to stay out of the sack when both want it but if you find out more about each other it seems to me that is makes it more special
sex on a first date isn’t really bad nor good
🙂
I agree with everybody just do what feels right
if it pushes the guy away than fuck em
theres other fishies in the sea
Not to say it’s a necessity, but speaking as a guy sex on the first or tenth date just means that’s when we have sex. My longest relationship was with a girl I slept with several times BEFORE we went on a date. And thinking about it, the strongest relationships amongst my friends are a couple who were a drunken hook-up and, had he not forgotten his glasses at her place, they might not ever have seen each other again (together 7 years at this point); a couple who were friends who had a fling (together 5 years and married for 1 now); and bandmates who slept together on tour once (won’t get married until gay marriage is legal, but together 4 years and have a 1 year old).
My two cents: do what makes sense to you. If you’re not comfortable having sex on the first date, don’t. If you are and it’s headed that way and you want to, go for it. If he’s put off by you putting out and thinks less of you, remember this–he had sex on the first date too. 🙂