Wise Guys: What If I'm Not Up for Going Down?

no_gelatophoto by Jon & Alison

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: I really hate going down on guys. I’ve tried it, I don’t like it. In fact, I loathe it. I feel bad about it, but if I don’t expect oral in return (I don’t), then why should I feel compelled to do something I don’t enjoy?”

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Really there is no guy that should expect oral. It’s totally up to you what you feel comfortable with sexually and we’ll enjoy what you want to do. If you see it as a tit-for-tat deal and you’re not asking for anything, then you’re right, you shouldn’t feel compelled to return a favor you’re not receiving. As long as you’re upfront with your feelings on oral, then everything is okay. My only thought is that for the people we really care about, sometimes we do things we don’t necessarily enjoy just to make them feel good, to make them feel sexy, to make them feel special — and sometimes just to get them off. I don’t think you should feel obligated to be going downtown all the time like you’re Petula Clark or something, but don’t hurry to rule it out for good. It can be something special you pull out of your sexual toolkit only for true knights in shining armor.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): This is a tough one. I’d say it’s a very rare guy who isn’t going to want at least the occasional blowjob. I’ve actually never met one of these mythical creatures. Even if they do exist, how would you go about finding one? A personal ad title like “Must NOT Want Blowjobs” would probably result in crickets chirping in your empty inbox. So that leaves you with waiting until you’re at the point of discussing sexual details with a prospective partner to bring the topic up. Most guys aren’t going to be thrilled with your take on the matter, but sooner or later, maybe you’ll find a guy who doesn’t think blowjobs are all that great. But wouldn’t giving the occasional (special occasion) blowjob be a little easier than banking on these super longshot odds? I think so, but then I’m a guy. And like pretty much all guys, I’d seriously consider giving up food, water and shelter before blowjobs.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): If you don’t like going down on guys, there’s absolutely no reason you should feel compelled to do so.  However, there’s also absolutely no reason a guy should feel compelled to keep dating you if you won’t go down on him.  You just have to find somebody who gets his kicks in other ways. The pool will be much smaller, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t, um, fish to be had.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. My husband loves head…even to the point where he’d rather just have that than sex. i don’t mind giving him any even if it means no satisfaction for me. i don’t really like giving them, and i don’t know why. but because i want my husband to be satisfied, i’m willing to put my issues aside and give him one. and yes, i do love seeing and hearing his reaction. i guess my thinking on this whole thing would be, i’d rather him be getting pleasure from me then from someone else. i’m not saying that will work for everyone or that all guys will cheat if not getting what they want.

  2. I am uncomfortable giving blow jobs for serveral reasons. I was molested as a child at age 8 and it involved the man sticking his tongue in my mouth and force french kissing me. His saliva and tongue made me gag and I was trying to get away from him> he would sneak around the house and grab me and fondle me… ii was awful and went on for years.
    The other reason is I had a bad car accident that gives me a lot of pain in my neck and jaw. My STBX husband wanted constant porno style drop to your knees and gimme a blow style oral sex. He refused to understand my issues and found ever more ways to demand his BJ’s like if you give me a BJ I’ll let you keep the baby…. really. He has left me after cheating on me a fourth time that I know of. I am well rid of him I know. I hope there are good men out there who don’t base love on one degrading act… a gentle heart and a gentle heart would work miracles.

  3. I don’t know what to say, I unfortunately am not crazy about going downtown. My hubby loves to go down on me, I do feel bad. I have a complex about being overweight and let that get in my way. I feel like I am under a microscope when I am doing it. I am not as attractive as I could be. He says I am beautiful, just overweight. Now it has been so long for him it is starting to get to him. We have been through a lot over the past 13 years and I know I am letting it get in the way. I feel resentful, because I feel like he thinks I owe him this. I supported him in prison for 10 years and I don’t think anyone should feel they owe anyone anything if that is not there thing. It just makes the pressure worse. I DO want help and to get over this distraction. I want to want to do it and I do not want to feel resentful if I do, like I have to do it for him to hang around. Will I ever be worthy?

  4. *** Note to self: Keep baseball bat handy in case Links ever comes around to pick my daughter up for a date.

  5. Females are born with an oral fixation that never goes away. To prove this, walk through the supermarket chips aisle and I guarantee you that a 20something y/o chick will be their grabbing a bag. Another example, women love to talk and talk and talk. They love oral action, whether it is talking someone’s ear off, eating an entire back of chips, or sucking cock. So I say, if you come across one who has a block toward performing oral sex, just remind her that sucking dick is nature’s adult remedy for her oral fixation. Problem solved.

  6. Wow!!! For me, going down on a man is the biggest turn on. I sometimes think I would rather do that than have intercourse. I love to hear the sounds a man makes when he is getting oral pleasure, and that gets me off. There is nothing on earth that makes me feel more in control!

  7. Heres a tip for you ladys that hate to go down. Try to make it a more pleasureable expierience. First off, give him a LOT of fruit during the day. (pineapple) so that way, when he finishes, it will taste like fruit…, and not be so bad. If he eats pizza and potatoes all day long, his stuff wont taste all that great to you. Secondly, add a lil fun for yourself, chocolate syrup or grenadine. (yes can be very sticky) however, it will taste so much better than a penis. (lol) They also make flavored condoms, and there are many things that taste pretty good, that you can lick off a penis. (dont use anything you have to chew)

  8. Maitresse, I’m also calling bullshit on this whole “vanilla” thing. Ok, so great… some folks like to be tied up, whipped, etc. Well, guess what? I guarantee you those guys still love blowjobs! I don’t care if you’re into rubbing balloons all over yourself or dressing up as a penguin, or whatever you think makes it from vanilla to something else… but you’re kidding yourself if you think those dudes don’t love blowjobs.

    You know what’s vanilla? Not getting a blowjob.

  9. I also would like to know the reasons for not wanting to give a blowjob. To me giving a blowjob is a big turn on. Just knowing the man I am with enjoys it makes it exciting to me. And I like having the control to tease him into a frenzy.

  10. Responding to the comment way back, abuse is definitely an issue when it comes to bjs. My very first experience giving one — I was a total virgin (never had intercourse — was very degrading and frightening. I wouldn’t characterize it as “abuse” but it was cruel.

    Basically, when he asked me to blow him, I told him I’d never done it before. But the minute I had him in my mouth, he grabbed my head and basically thrusted into me. I started to gag, and almost vomited, and he would NOT let go for anything. AND gave me no warning he was going to cum, and as I gagged on THAT, he just kept telling me to “swallow it, swallow it.” AND he laughed at me after for gagging.

    Now, despite that, I still went down on other, later, boyfriends, BUT I told them to please not hold my head onto them, AND either not cum in my mouth, or warn me when they were about to. And because none of them were bastards like my first one, they all did, willingly. BUT I never enjoyed giving bjs for a very long time — just did to please my partners, who pleased me in return.

    I used to believe that NO woman ever *enjoyed* giving a bj — I mean, she could enjoy her partner’s reaction, but it gave her no physical pleasure. (Probably because of my first experience.) That happened a little over 20 years ago, and i only recently came to actually enjoying AND initiating bjs myself. And I know it was all due to my partner — not just for the reasons above, he does have good hygiene, eats right, etc., but it TRULY turns me on and gets me wet to give him one!

    But my partner is also SO loving, and I feel the first real true love I’ve ever had. So it started as me wanting to please him, and grew into my loving to do it! I’ll stop the rambling now, but maybe the correspondent could examine her past and see if there is a reason there as to why she loathes them.

    Also, there IS much more to oral sex on a guy than just a bj — I start by teasing my partner with kissing near and on his penis, and licking one particular spot near the head that drives him wild! He has cum just from me doing that, with no real bj. So maybe some communication with her partner, and some willingness to give him some sort of pleasure in that area, would also help.

  11. well i dont really think much about it sex is much more fun when you give all i give bj’s when i want to !sex is spontenous so why make oral a reward!!if he gives me head well its ok….

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