Wise Guys: What's the Big Deal with Virgins?

photo by Rafael Acorsi

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Virgins — turn off or turn on? A challenge, or too much of a responsibility?”

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): My best friend told me once that with the first virgin you deflower, you become a cherub; the second, an angel; and third, a seraphim. She obviously loved the challenge and frankly, so do I. But it isn’t so much because you are “taking someone’s innocence” (over-romanticized rubbish that is anyway), but the mentor-like aspect of it that’s so exciting. Like a great sex partner, one needs to be trained, and a virgin is the blank canvas to make him or her a firebrand in the sack to suite your and his/her naughty needs!

james_glazebrook_100Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): The fact that I’m being asked this question suggests that virgins are something I should have “done” — so to speak — but never have. I was a late bloomer (I could legally vote before my first time: yet another thing I’ve never done) and when I did finally make some sloppy stabs at sex it was with girls with much more experience. Maybe I was an especially awkward lay, but if other virgins are anywhere near as nervous, ineffectual, and just plain unsexy as I was, then I don’t see the appeal. I suppose it might be different for a maiden, in the sense that if a woman is paralyzed by first-time nerves, she can probably get away with just lying there and letting her more experienced male partner do the work. This would be much harder for a virgin guy to pull off — unless he found an incredibly active and understanding female to pop his cherry — and thus the risk to reward ratio is way off kilter. All of which is to say, I suppose, that it’s not really my thing, no matter who’s holding the V-card.

mark_luczak_100Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): Incredibly, I have actually just begun a courtship with a woman who has as yet waited for, well, sex of any kind, really (further evidence that my life continues to be a running Seinfeld episode), so I guess I have some, uh, first-hand experience at the moment. I don’t know that either “challenge” or “responsibility” are quite the right words for it, but at this age (early ’30s for us both), the issue is present enough that there are definitely pressures and self-consciousnesses on both sides.

I like to think I’m unselfish enough that I’ve been sensitive to her perspectives on everything (she’s not waiting for marriage or because of religion or anything like that, she just hasn’t found someone she’s comfortable with yet), and it’s actually really flattering that she’s been so open to communicating about everything thus far, let alone that I could eventually be that person to share it with (both her first time, and that level of intimacy in general).

Sure, there’s the aspect that some things will be completely new to her [insert joke about me being the best she’s ever had], but really, it’s not too dissimilar to the usual aspects of two people just being new to each other — so far, some things are awkward or funny, some things feel a little mechanical or clinical, and some things are totally hot! Virgin or not, it just feels good right now to have found someone to connect with in a certain way emotionally and communicatively already, and that has only served to complement the journey on the physical side. Bottom line, we’re both just pretty excited for whatever comes next!

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook of Manflet; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. I really enjoyed reading this because the answers from these men were direct without them being a jerk about it.

    I will admit that some of these comments were rather funny particularly those who said that an “experienced” person is better. Just because someone is experienced in the sack it doesn’t mean that they are any good at it. There are a lot of people who have a lot of experience at being lousy in bed.

  2. As a 20 year old female virgin, I definetly have a few thoughts on this topic. I am very much in touch with my sexuality, and most people who meet me don’t think I’m a virgin because I have no problem making dirty jokes, or getting ‘feisty’ when alone with a guy. I don’t think sex is dirty or evil, and I don’t think I’m ‘pure.’ I’m not wanting to wait until marriage, I’m only waiting until I am comftorable in a healthy loving relationship with a man who loves me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I’m not waiting around for prince charming, I do like to date, but I think my first time shouldn’t be some hookup either with a stranger or guy friend. That (for me) would be degrading. And I think sex is different for everyone, I don’t think my friends who have had sex since they were 16 any less of a person than myself. I don’t exactly masturbate, but I do fantasize and think about sex frequently. I just started dating an older guy and he finds my virginity charming and sexy. He tells me it’s great I treasured myself enough to wait for someone who matters. Who knows, maybe he will be the lucky guy 🙂

  3. FTR, St. Paul thought any act of sex was dirty, but the dude had some serious psychiatric issues regarding women and sex altogether. Few prohibitions on sexual acts are in the Red Letters (meaning The Man Himself J.C. said them) in my Bible.

    Maria@ “I wasn’t sure what to make of Mlle. L’s statement that you can’t be a sexual being without having sex. Being a sexual being is not limited to the genital area. All humans are sexual beings from birth until death. Intercourse is just a part of it.”

    And, Maria, there is more to sex than just intercourse. But, the person (Lucia) claiming to be a “sexual being” claims to never have engaged in any sex acts and never masturbates.

    Humans are “Sexual Beings” when the acknowledge their sexuality. As well as participate in it. Just having possessed sexual organs doesn’t do it.

    That would be like someone saying, “I am a really Literate Being. But, I can’t read, nor write, I’ve never opened a book, I don’t own any books and I don’t even have any plans to get a library card. But, I’ll get sign up at the library to get a card after I get married.” Same thing. Is this person “Literate?”

  4. Hey, SS, sorry your husband took down the magnet. I had one which said “Hate is not a family value.” and one which said, “Jesus was a liberal”(Which was aimed at his racist father.) And he would put it on top of fridge when his dad came over. LOL!

    Thanks, Johnny. I just know what so many women from my mother’s generation (and younger ones with the same attitudes towards sex) who suffered so badly from the pretense that, somehow, their ideas that sex was dirty and “debauching” would simply go away on the day they got married. Few of these women with poor attitudes towards premarital ever were able to enjoy the act, even after the “words” were said over them.

    As for MK, good luck, Perhaps my assumptions will be wrong in your case. Who knows? Seems unlikely, but anything is possible.

    But, for the record, the Catholic Church does NOT think sex is “sex is BAD, WRONG, and DIRTY even in marriage.” (your quote)The Marital “Act of Love” is supposed to be beautiful and right, according to the Church.

    But the total mind and body switch from an act being filthy and sinful one day, and simply an hour long ceremony (most of my relatives go for the High Mass….) making the EXACT SAME ACT suddenly not only desirable but something women are NOT SUPPOSED TO DENY THEIR HUSBANDS FOR ANY REASON (meaning the church doesn’t believe in marital rape and the woman is supposed to “submit” any time he wants to have sex, without her feelings coming into it.) But, if sex is considered dirty one minute and then something which is supposed to be desired and enjoyed (or at least submitted to) the next seems psychologically impossible.

    But, no, the “Church” doesn’t consider marital sex dirty.

    How the same action can be two different things, dirty one minute and “beautiful” the next, simply because someone said something to you, or over you, while you were wearing a white dress is no less than illogical.

    And, it isn’t just the Church who believes this. Everyone who believes in the Cult of Perfect Pure Virginity believes the same thing.

  5. ML: I have a positive attitude towards sex, but it don’t mean that I need to throw myself out there to be “emotionally” healthy. I don’t need to fit into your ideology of “healthy” either. I’m perfectly healthy myself. I’m a virgin and I’m proud to be one. I’m not going to throw myself to my boyfriend just because he “loves” me. I have sexual desires and I’m going to wait until I get marry to do whatever I want with my husband. I’ll probably be having sex five times a week because you know what. I got some strong sexual desire that needs to be release. It ain’t going to be anything time soon. SEcondly, you can blame it on the catholic doctrine on how sex is view. For the most part, they believe that sex is BAD, WRONG, and DIRTY even in marriage. Please, I believe sex is a GOOD, RIGHT, and BEAUTIFUL thing in marriage. Lastly, I don’t need thearpy. If you got something against virgins or the ideology of virginity, well guess what. I’m proud and I will keep my head high because I don’t fit into your lifestyle that you want us to live by. Marriage will be misery? Please girl. I know many marriage that are perfectly healthy becuase their sex lifestyle ARE healthy.

  6. Mml. L wrote:

    “Does anyone with these attitudes actually THINK that the minute someone says some words over you, while you are wearing a white dress your sick attitudes that sex is dirty and ugly will just fade away? They won’t.”

    That’s a great quote.

  7. Just curious…what do you guys actually consider being a virgin?

    I wasn’t sure what to make of Mlle. L’s statement that you can’t be a sexual being without having sex. Being a sexual being is not limited to the genital area. All humans are sexual beings from birth until death. Intercourse is just a part of it.

    I hope no one misinterprets that as meaning all humans want to have sex from birth until death, though.

    I ask because physically, I guess I am a virgin. I’ve had experience masturbating, and my boyfriend and I do basically everything but. I’m not saving myself, and I’m not trying to stay “pure” (frankly, I think that’s an absolutely awful way to look at sex. As if it dirties you!), there’s just this psychological block I can’t get past.

  8. Good points, ML. You would like my kitchen magnet (which my husband promptly took down..killjoy!), it said:

    “I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in”

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