If you’ve listened to Howard Stern even once over the past decade (that’d be Em, not Lo), then you know that one of his most loyal advertisers is the Ashley Madison Agency — the online dating site that caters to married people with the tagline “Life is short. Have an affair.” Charming. On and off over the years, we’ve thought about reporting on Ashley Madison, but every time we did, steam would come out of our ears and we’d realize that our entire article would consist of seven words, most likely typed in all caps: “Stop cheating you slimeball pieces of shit.” Just because the site sounds like it was named by Nora Roberts, as Jezebel so brilliantly notes, doesn’t mean it’s any less sleazy, immoral, unethical, or just plain wrong. Fortunately not everyone is as “narrow-minded” as we are; Melanie Berliet, a writer for Vanity Fair recently investigated the site to find out why men cheat, which involved interviewing men who said things like “I’m a big believer in monogamy through adultery.”
Oh my, Lisa and Lacey, I hardly know where to start. I think your mentality is sad, but that is just my opinion. In truth, I simply cannot understand you. Lisa, you fleshed out your ethical stand point quite well, so I’ll primarily focus on you.
You, Lisa, give the impression that you view yourself as a forward thinking, rational, strong, independent woman. And that is where my confusion lies. I understand that sometimes women find themselves in a bad situation with a married man. I understand that there are many naïve and conflicted women who really believe that the man will indeed leave his wife or that somehow this really is the best she (the other woman) can get in life. However, these women do tend to show at least some remorse, some indication that they have a conscious. You, Lisa, do not. You seem to believe that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. You don’t even seem to care if the children suffer because the husband’s spending money on you and not them, because after all ‘he earned it, he can spend it how ever he chooses’—which is also confusing. How can defend your lover’s actions with ‘he doesn’t want to hurt his children’ and then say that it’s acceptable for his children to be harmed (in a financial sense) as long as it’s to your benefit? Seems a bit contradictory to me, but I digress. Back to the lack of conscious: if you really don’t believe that what you’re doing is wrong, then why are trying to find someone to blame? Why even mention the concept of fault if there is no wrong being done? And if you’re such the strong, forward thinking, independent woman that you seem to like to present, then why do you refuse to take responsibility for your own actions? Finally, if you don’t care about the potential harm that could be caused by your actions, the potential devastation of a family or another woman’s sense of self worth, then why even bother with the married men in the first place, when you can be safely wined and dined by single men and just leave a trail of broken hearts, instead of broken homes, in your wake?
I can only think that perhaps it’s not so much a fear of commitment (many have that fear and don’t get involved in affairs), but perhaps you just like the thrill, the drama of having that taboo, secrete affair. Mayhap, you don’t care so much about the commitment issue, but instead care about the feelings of excitement that the possibility of getting caught brings into your life. Perhaps you really are just that bored.
Wow, Lisa…I’m almost speechless! I don’t think most of the people posting here realize how many married men out there hit on single women. I’ve spent years (blocks of years in my adulthood)dating (not committed to anyone) and its a real eye-opener to realize how many are seeking a little “something-something” on the side. It’s been my experience that its an ever-present part of the dating and singles world to encounter married men seeking more. And Lisa is right, most want to romance the new woman, which is a far cry better than what most single men will offer but I could never get over the little nagging fact that they are a liar and they were making me a dishonest (and SECONDARY)woman by their actions. It outraged me! TIME AND TIME AGAIN, married men would try to put me in what I considered an AWKWARD situation of little respect and it would get to the point I had violent thoughts towards them, myself. (and no, I did not have affairs with them…I just encountered the same situation over and over with various married men, I just want to start punching guys for their audacity! But that wouldn’t be very lady-like, would it??)
I don’t understand how it doesn’t outrage you, too, Lisa. I suppose, you’ve bought into the whole deal-being rewarded time and again for your affairs, so it all seems just dandy to you. Don’t you feel any shame or sadness? You don’t have a real relationship with a man. It’s sad. I mean, both the wife and you have all the trinkets of the material world being offered and neither one of you is really getting the “gold” for your efforts. ONly the man is getting his cake and eating it too. Well, that is just my take on all this. Never being married gives me a different view on things, maybe?? And never taking on a married man for an affair(because of my disgust) makes it difficult to relate to Lisa.
Seems like you are having your little revenge against the system.
Have you considered professional help? I think you would benefit from it, otherwise your war against an imaginary system will drive you into self destruction.
nope. i’m having fun, not sure about the rest of you…..
Bitter?
Oh no darlin’—I’ve done the married with kids thing. Left the fat slob of a husband after doing everything including professional counseling to see if he would quit swearing, quit being an absolute slob, or do anything worthwhile…..and, to be honest, the nice guy with whom I had an affair during that marriage saved my life and my sanity. I remarried, he cheated—fine with me, I didn’t want his sorry dick but was happy to stay married until I untangled the financial mess he left me in, and now—well, no kids at home, why not?
Your ethics and morals don’t match mine. Fine. I don’t ask you to live your life my way…..and I have to say, I think you protest overmuch. Read through the comments in the rest of this website—telling a woman (or a man) that he looks like a fat slob is just not acceptable. We are supposed to love them no matter what, even if the dick don’t work, even if they are so fat you can’t find the tw*t in the thigh rolls……and the fat people happily blame it all on genetics. Bull.
And no, I don’t feel guilty about spending the families money. He earns it, he gets to spend it. She wants a say, go get a job and then she can spend her own money…..
As to crime of passion: ummmmm, yeah. They better be a damn sight better shot than me. More likely than not too slow to get out of their own way.
There is a hidden lesson behind Lisa and Lacey’s philosophy:
Cheat, and if you are a single woman, go out with married men ( men, learn from this philosophy, single men should date married women as well.)
Never fall in love with them.
Pray they never divorse, because that would mean having to “deal” with that person all the time.
Just enjoy the spiffy restaraunts, gifts and flowers these unhappy people will present to you.
Since nobody is gotten caught, we would be taking care of their families, because in reality we would be helping that family stay together. You girls are doing something that is actually good and needed in society.
Do not worry about guilt feelings, using the family and specially the kids money on spiffy restaurants , gifts and flowers because it is all the fault of the spouse.
The cheater part is a poor soul that needs confort, while you need some money, some presents and spiffy dinning provided at the expense of a family, a wife, and some kid’s toys and school items that they can do without.
The best thing you should do girls, both of you, is buy good life insurance policies.
The only good outcome from this despicable philosophy is that you will perish victim to a crime of passion. Perhaps your relatives ( since you are single ) will use that money to go to college and get an education, and in the process get some good ethics and morals .
Lacey-
What a wonderful philosophy you and Lisa seem to share. Stay classy. Incidentally, your observation that “everybody does it or has thought about it” is demonstrably wrong. Wishful thinking on your part, maybe, but definitely not supported by reality. I’ve noted before and I’ll reiterate it here that the whole topic comes down to a matter of respect. Both for one’s partner and for oneself. I’ve never cheated nor been tempted to on the few occasions where the opportunity has arisen. Not because of moral considerations but because I don’t want to be the sort of dishonest douche-nozzle that cheats and lies.
No Lacey, its the husbands fault. He got his wife pregnant. He wanted kids, and he doesn’t want to leave his kids. He understood what would happen if his wife has kids. Not all women stay fat after kids, even though this is American, home of the Biggy size. Many women who balloon into a 200+ pound whale and stay that way because of kids, I agree, would turn off the intimacy with the husband. But instead of the husband helping his wife get back to her pre baby weight, and being sensitive to the fact its hard without lots of exercise and diet, AND support from the husband; He is foolishly going out and finding people, like you and Lisa.
I have a question for you, Lacy, and for Lisa: Would you keep dating married men all your life? Never have kids yourselves? Never find a single man, have a NORMAL relationship with him, and marry him? Are you afraid of commitment? Are you ok with ‘sharing’ him with his wife and kids, and knowing he will never leave his wife for you?
Just read Lisa’s posts. You go Girl! We are NOT the problem. The wives are. They let themselves go after they have kids. No man wants to mount an oompa loompa. My F*ck Buddy can’t even get it up for his wife anymore. She is that disgusting. I fulfill a basic need for him. He won’t leave her for me. They have two kids and he will never leave his kids. But she longer cares about her appearance, her attitude has changed, and the man needs some companionship. Plain and simple.
Nobody gets hurt if the spouses never find out. Think about it. It’s common freaking sense. And yeah, everybody does it or has thought about it.
Lisa, are you a gold digger? Or a prostitute? Because, these married men are taking you out to fancy restaurants, and buying you things, right? Well, that’s a great way to take money from the straying husbands kids and his wife. Like I said in other posts, it just takes one wife to find out, and beat you to a pulp, leaving you confined to a wheelchair, and a divorce.
I really like Elizabeth’s and James’s posts. These are people who act like real civil adults. They are the role models here.
Lisa, you give women a bad name doing what you do.
Please tell me which woman is going to act “halfway civilized” with a husband who cheats on her and never even tells her what’s wrong. Because I’m pretty sure they are way more of a myth than those kids who make it through life with divorced parents just fine. Like, you know… me… or all but one of the friends I have who grew up in that situation. Yeah. Forgot we weren’t real people.
kids, pensions, community property…..why should half a couple give up their standard of living, let alone take it out on the kids? It is a happy modern myth that divorce is good for kids….their standard of living drops, their access to both parents drops….as long as the parents cab act halfway civilized, better that they stay together.
Lisa-he’s free to persue a relationship with a different person, that’s where he is. If it’s truly so bad that he needs you, why is divorce the wrong thing to do?