Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
— The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
Let me recast the question to illuminate it a bit more. While the analogy isn’t perfect, let’s replace “sex” by “marriage” and reverse the gender roles and see if it makes any difference. How long should a guy expect to be able to make a woman wait before he commits to marriage? He should make her wait as long as he needs to in order to be sure that she really is the one for him. Conversely, it is not at all unreasonable for a woman to say that she wants to get married, and if it’s not gonna happen in this relationship, then she should feel free to move on. The actual time frame is completely up to the individuals. Whatever each finds reasonable really should be fine.
The same with sex. We all enter into relationships with priorities, and it is up to each person to negotiate to see that his/her needs are met. Period. Whatever they mutually find satisfactory is the correct length of time. But let’s leave any notions like, “if he really loves you he’ll wait” out of it. It is legitimate to expect sex in a relationship at some point. And a man can reasonably weigh the chance that the relationship will work out against his immediate needs. If he thinks his odds are too remote for a long term relationship, then he should certainly feel free to move on. That isn’t selfish, nor demonstrative of a lack of respect.
And oh, Spes, I must disagree with you on one point. If I were married and my wife decided one day that she didn’t want to engage in sexual activities anymore, that would be a deal breaker. Big time. It’s absolutely fine to have expectations of your partner, even sexual ones.
I must say that I, too, am appalled by Mad.L.’s statement concerning child abuse. For a woman who claims to be educated, I am stunned that you can write such a harmful and ignorant comment. Your flippant attitude towards childhood sexual trauma is not only insulting to every person who has struggled with overcoming such trauma, but is also dangerous. It is statements such as yours that are used to further abuse such victims.
To The 26 year-old Virgin:
YOU are not MAKING him wait. If a guy doesn’t want to wait, he has the option of leaving. YOU are NOT holding out on him. No one has the right (even spouses) to expect sex from anyone else. You do not have something that is his nor owe him anything, therefore you are not ‘holding out’ from him. YOU have made a choice not be rushed into something (it just happens to be sex in this case). If a guy likes and respects you enough to want to wait WITH you, then great, but if he acts like you are forcing this upon him, then he doesn’t really respect your decision and isn’t worth your time. How ever long it takes for you to be comfortable with having sex with a guy, is exactly how ever long it is okay to wait to have sex with him.
Kudos to you for standing by your convictions.
I don’t think it’s right for -anyone- to dictate to -anyone else- how long it should take for them to feel comfortable about having sex. Everyone is different, for different reasons. The point is that she should have sex -when she’s ready-; one can be completely into a guy, completely in love, and just not ready for the physical. And yes, the two feelings can be mutually exclusive, especially if she’s a virgin. So whether you’re being told there’s something wrong with you for not having sex by the guy you’re dating, or by some other person evaluating your relationship, know that the ultimate choice is yours. Do what you are comfortable with, and never settle for anyone who would force you into anything. In fact, being pressured/forced into sex is indeed rape. There’s nothing wrong with waiting, just as there’s nothing wrong with having sex–so long as one is -ready- to do so. If you want to have sex with a guy and truly feel it is time, go ahead–but don’t do it just because of what he may want, or what other people tell you you should be feeling.
Madamoiselle L, I have to say I found your post highly offensive. I’m glad for you that your life worked out the way you want, but you do not need to disparage other people’s choices, nor berate them for their level of comfort.
Perhaps it was too long ago to remember, but you did have good reason to be scared: sex ups the ante on emotions and can have physical ramifications (like the pregnancy scares you mentioned).
A person who is self aware will stop and think about these consequences before taking action, you do not seem to think that important or even valid.
And yet what I take most offense at is your assumption that victims of child abuse is one of two reasons:
“Neither of which are much of a good reason NOT to have sex, and can easily be overcome, if you think about it in any detail.”
Your convoluted sentence seems to imply that abuse is simple and should just be thought about in order to approach sex without ramifications. I find it amazing to believe that you had such an easy time healthfully starting to have sex, with no leftover feelings or fears, but good for you. It is probably the case for a percentage of victims.
But saying that anyone else who needs help is basically just doing it wrong is offensive. I have had friends and friends of friends who were abused, and it is no simple matter.
As a side note I find it interesting that you say the man you married, who saved you from a life of single/terrible 20’s, would not have waited four months to sleep with you. You’re so sure. Proud almost. I don’t know what that means, but it would be interesting to look at, if you ever want to do that whole self examining thing, I think there would be a lot there.
To Em and LO: I’m sorry this was so vitriolic, I get worked up over issues of child abuse.
Also, I waited three months into my first serious relationship. I kinda wish I hadn’t slept with the a-hole, but I loved him and I’m glad to no longer be a virgin.
Thank you for asking that question in such a forum! I identify with your confusion on this and really appreciate the advice from other commenters.
I am in a long-term relationship with a wonderful man. While we have fooled around quite a bit, we are both still technical virgins.
This more intentional on my part. He values me enough to respect my boundaries and loves me enough to do whatever I want.
Of course, I am over the moon happy about this, but do worry if I will ever be as lucky again.
Bottom line: If he can’t deal with your virginity, then he probably can’t deal with your sexuality.
Wow, I had to comment: Mary said: “Does he communicate well about sex, ask about your motivations and express his own opinions? Or does he make assumptions based on your (non-)actions? If he can’t talk about a common denominator like sex, it’s hard to imagine him taking part in something more profound.” END QUOTE
Honey, men don”t DO this. His MOTIVATIONS? He’s horny! He LIKES YOU. HE THINKS YOU ARE HOT! What else needs to be said? There is little men hate more than “talking about the relationship.” Yes, there should be a discussion (short, to the point and with as LITTLE emotion as necessary, you ARE talking to a guy, the fact ma’am, nothing but the facts) about birth control, pregnancy, and maybe even getting tested, or reporting on any STIs, but men, for the most part, DO NOT talk about much of anything else concerning “THE relationship” UNLESS it is about trying something new in bed. In fact My Man, when we are just sitting around together with nothing to do, (after several decades together) will say, “Soo, do you want to talk about our relationship?” AS A JOKE! If I jokingly say yes, he feigns fear and runs out of the room.
You have to meet the Man as he is a Man at least HALF of the way there, and pressing him to “talk about our relationship” with emotion and details and “how do you feel about that?” etc will only make him uncomfortable, and NOT propel “the relationship” forward.
I need to ask, have you, Mary, actually DONE this with a man? Did it work out? Are you still a “virgin”? Just wondering.
Your mileage may vary. But, it probably won’t.
Men aren’t just women with penises. We have to remember that.
This is hard to answer. Maybe not.
The first man I had sex with waited about 3 months for me to decide I was ready. (that was for intercourse, there was a LOT of “heavy petting” going on before that, enough so there was no palpable “cherry” to “pop” thank Heavens.) I was, of course, only sixteen at the time and afterward even I thought I had made him wait TOO long. I can’t imagine he would have waited much longer, maybe a month or two, but he older and wasn’t a virgin and knew what he was missing. I didn’t yet. I admire his waiting that long. And, I was only sixteen.
At the time, I had no idea he was “the one” just a guy I felt I was in love with, really liked, he really liked and loved me, and sex just seemed to be the next step AND we both really wanted to do it, a LOT. I would not have regretted it, even if we hadn’t ended up together some time later. You have to take the plunge eventually, I say better sooner than later. JMO.
After trial of fire and ice, this man and I eventually found our way back to each other and have now been married for many years, and have children, home and great sex life. I can’t imagine if I had lost him, because I put off making love to him because I was “afraid” of sex. (And, to be honest, at the time, I wanted to, but was terrified, with NO good reason, except a Catholic upbringing and had had a sexual abuse situation in my childhood. Neither of which are much of a good reason NOT to have sex, and can easily be overcome, if you think about it in any detail.)
At 26, I had a house which we own, a husband (the one who got to pop my cherry) and two kids….. and was still watching some of my single friends still plow through bars and clubs and one night stands, and pregnancy scares, and guys who never called back and biological clocks, and other assorted terrors of singles in their 20s. [shudder]
I can’t anticipate dating again in my life now, barring a very serious catastrophe. If so, I don’t think I’d wait for a man to have sex beyond 3 or 4 dates or so, if I had any fondness for him in the least. Three months? I don’t have that kind of patience. Nor that low of a sex drive. But, it takes all kinds.
I need to ask, what ARE you waiting for? Even if he isn’t “the one” by THREE months you should be able to know if you “trust him” or not, know that we cared about each other, should have chosen a form of birth control, have discussed what would happen in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, and should feel pretty damn horny by now. I know My Man and I did all this, when I was still in High School.
If he isn’t “the one” SO WHAT? Chalk it up to Good Experience, and move on, the burden of your “virginity” gone and best forgotten. What ARE you waiting for? You won’t find “perfection” in a man, anymore than a man will find “perfection” in a woman. A good relationship and similar interests and enjoying your time together and caring for each other is really all that it takes.
Of course there are guys out there that will wait for you. But the real question is, why is sex something we feel we have to wait for? It’s what we are built to do. Everything else is societal.
There’s also a good chance that you could find a guy who is a virgin. Or is that a misnomer where you, as a virgin, at 26, would not want to have “inexperienced and virginal” sex? Perhaps you would prefer your foray into the sexual world be with a seasoned “expert”? I know a few good men who are truly fantastic guys who feel the same as you do regarding sex. Perhaps if you gave up the misplaced notion that as a woman, you are the only one out there not willing to throw away the idea of a meaningful experience just because you’re afraid it doesn’t exist or worst, has become passe. I applaud your diligence on this matter. Go snag yourself a fella who shares your charming and focused ideals!
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now and am still a virgin (at 18). He says he will wait for me as long as I need him to. Find a guy like him!
Kudos on waiting for the right guy. I had that exact same situation. I dated around, but wanted to wait until I met the right guy for me, which didn’t happen until I was 28. We dated for 4 months before I was ready (but we only saw each other on the weekends). During that time, we fooled around a bit (he was experienced and knew I was a virgin), and he would sometimes ask if we could do it, but always backed off once I said no. When I felt ready, I was confident that he was the right guy for me. He later said he was glad I made him wait because our relationship could develop at a slower pace, and he was happy that I trusted him with my first time. He also said that if he likes the girl, he can wait longer for sex, but if he doesn’t really like her, he will pressure her for sex sooner.
I don’t know how long is too long… but I’m pretty sure he would have waited longer than 4 months. I’m the one who couldn’t wait!
So yes, guys who respect girls do exist, but I had to wait 28 years to find a guy like that!
I agree with Sophie. I think that if, after three months, you still don’t feel comfortable enough to have sex, then maybe the guy is the problem. Instead of saying, “How long should I wait to have sex?” maybe it should be “How long should it take a guy to show me he’s great?” A good guy — the right guy — will do that pretty quickly.
If after three months with the same guy you don’t feel confident enough with him to have sex, you’re only dating jerks or you are afraid of men/sex. Perhaps you should think about why you never felt ready, and then be honest with your partner. In a situation where a woman makes them hold out for sex, I suppose a lot of guys would think she’s playing games, à la “you’re not going to have any until you buy me a pony”. Communicate, tell him you need to feel confortable around him to be intimate with him, but to do so you need to know how he can make you feel confortable first.
I’m 29 and have the same story. It’s taken me a while to see that how he treats you on this topic is a pretty good indicator of how he will act on other things. Before anyone accuses me of manipulating, I don’t use sex as a proving ground; this is just a side-benefit.
Does he communicate well about sex, ask about your motivations and express his own opinions? Or does he make assumptions based on your (non-)actions? If he can’t talk about a common denominator like sex, it’s hard to imagine him taking part in something more profound.
How would he feel about sleeping with a virgin, or does he just run for the door? I’ve had a guy say that, even if I were willing, he wouldn’t want to take on the “burden” of my virginity and the inevitable emotions I would feel for him as my “first”…and he didn’t want to spend time on an inexperienced sex partner. See? Better off without him.
And the ability to communicate goes both ways. Do you feel comfortable having these discussions with him? If not, then you may have trust issues that don’t bode well. Or maybe you’re not that interested, if you don’t want to push that envelope. And I believe Em and Lo always recommend getting the skinny on various health questions, comfort zones, contraception, etc.
So, common sense, trust your gut, and when in doubt, you know your vibrator still loves you 🙂