Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
— The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
While I can see everyone’s points and understand where they are coming from, I also wish so suggest that maybe we shouldn’t be trying to prove someone who doesn’t agree with our opinions wrong, but simply telling them what we believe. I find it very offensive when someone tries to convince me I’m wrong on an issue that is purely based on opinion. There is no right or wrong answer to this dilemma. Do what you choose. You are you, not someone else. You can’t force anyone else to believe what you do. They have to want to.
Now that I’ve finished my little tolerance rant… I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus died on the cross to take my sins away and there is nothing you can do to change the way I feel about that. So don’t try. Given my religious beliefs, I also believe that God wants His people to wait until marriage for sex. You can disagree all you want but that it what I believe.
I must add this is only my experience and that maybe that are people out there who are meant for each other that they have absolutely no sexual issues.But i do believe it is so rare that most of us have to kiss many frogs before we find the right one.I prefer waiting on him.
Well first i must say i agree with all of you! Everyone has right in their own way…Me i am a 19 year old virgin girl and recently i had a short affair with this guy who was convincing me that first time is no big deal and that we should do it.I gave him a blow job but afterwards he wouldn’t want to return a favor! And when he got down to me with his fingers i enjoyed and felt like i want more but still didn’t come, while i made him come- almost twice! This selfishness made me realize that i shouldn’t go and that it’s good that i didn’t go till the end with the guy cause it only goes to show he was interested in himself and his pleasure and he doesn’t care much about mine.I am not the kind of virgin who wouldn’t give in to anything sexual but for that final thing i believe it’s worth waiting cause in one night stands and similar ‘combinations’ when a guy and a girl doesn’t know each other all too well one side (and it’s usually a female one) ends up feeling hurt, used , abandoned.A guy who didn’t meet your basic needs, your wishes, your body, mind, you , can’t really know what you like and therefore can’t make you happy! You’ll know when you’re ready, you’ll feel when it’s the right time and a right person but before that don’t do anything you’ll regret about later.Maybe i a end up being 26 a still a virgin but at least i know what i deserve and how much i worth and how much a guy should wait till he has me! Yes, sex IS a big deal and is not something you’d do just like that on the 1st date and especially not the first time you have it! cause it will have an effect on each experience you have later on.It’s psychology – people learn from experience; sometimes good, sometimes bad.And if it’s a bad one, believe me or at least people who said from their own experience it caused them a lot of trouble to regain trust in love once they lost it.
I am a 29 year old experienced man dating a 24 year old virgin. I am actually really enjoying myself with my girlfriend while at the same time find myself wanting to wait for the magic moment. In a way, I feel like I am a virgin again. It’s really nice to share this moment with my girlfriend. I think that we need to remember that sex is about sharing. If it is ever a one sided experience, then somebody will be left unsatisfied or experience longing.
So we had several talks and intimate moments except for having full intercourse. Now we are both having a great experience with the whole anticipation process. I might be enjoying it a bit more because to be frank, am used to having sex by or after the third date. Soft and gentle is the way to go. Don’t be selfish with your needs. Try to create an equal wavelength between you. Don’t give or take too much. Enjoy the process. I hope this helped somebody.
aha, even though she said “i want you to be the first man i have” that doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. I need to be patient and understanding. Love making is chemistry. a lovely chemical it is…
Im an 18 year old girl just come out of an serious relationship because i am completely in love with somebody my own age im not a virgin but he is we’ve made out but cant seem to take things further weve been with each other like 2 months would it be right for me to ask or should i just keep on waiting ??
We waited just over a year until we had sex. I’m 23 now and it happened just after my 22nd birthday. My boyfriend is a year younger than me and while he was not a virgin, he hadn’t had sex within a real relationship. While we did do other things within the year of going out, he completely respected my decision to wait until it felt right and never pressured me in any way to do anything I didn’t want to do.
I was in a similar situation to you in that while I didn’t necessarily want to wait til marriage I did want to wait until it felt right, until I was in love.
There are good men still out there. And I completely believe you can find someone who will wait for you. One tip though, make sure you talk about it. Even though we weren’t having sex we talked about it heaps and made sure we were both completely comfortable before we did it. It sounds so cliche, but communication is vital!
Goodluck with your search! 😀
Before I say anything: I am only 19 and the guys I am dealing with were raised to be pretty open, horney, and willing to give up a v-card like a bad habit.
I hate to break it to you, but you might be shit out of luck as far as finding a good guy. It seems like good guys who aren’t already virgins are NOT willing to wait at all. I am in college and sex isn’t such a deal, but I was surprised to see that once a guy found out a girl was a virgin, she was not only quickly walked away from, but a certain invisible force field was placed around her and no one would even think of hooking up with her. The thing is that no one wanted to so to speak “take one for the team” and make her available.
I repeat that I am probably around a completely different culture of men than you are looking for. However, I would guess that if the guys you are finding were in college once and are not still virgins…they might be the same way.
Honestly my best advice for you would be to find yourself a virgin.
Don’t give it up to anyone though, you are worth it for the right guy, and i DO believe he IS out there. I wish I had mine back even though I gave it to the right person at that time.
No hard feelings.
Okay, I’m a little irritated at the attitude here. You’re allowed to be however you want sexually, UNLESS what you want to do is wait?
You can have your ‘test drive’ idea all to yourselves. Yes, it takes more hard work, communication, and a deeper set of attachments, but you can stay in a relationship without having sex.
I’m a 20 year old virgin, I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years, and I can tell you this without a doubt in my mind: He is a caring, attentive lover with only my needs at heart.
How do I know that? Because guys who selfish sexually are selfish in other areas too. You’re not going to marry a guy who loves you, respects you, and does his utmost to make you happy only to discover Whoops! He’s a selfish, inconsiderate sexual partner!
I agree that there are a lot of differences in sex drive from person to person, and a lot of off-the-wall desires. But believe it or not, if you trust each other, you’ll be willing to discuss them. If your partner divulges that they hate giving oral sex and require you to play a song on the trumpet before every go round, you’re not going to be surprised when it happens.
I don’t care what any of you do behind closed doors with willing partners, but don’t mistake a sexual relationship as a substitute for good communication. Not everything needs to be learned through experience, and some of us actually want to wait. And not just because we’re selfish, ice-cold virginal flowers who secretly want our partners to suffer.
(P.S. Believe it or not, I do have an active, healthy sex drive, and so does he. We are also very physically attracted to each other, but we deal with it. Also, inb4 “You can’t possibly know anything about his sexual habits until you experience intercourse with him”. And may I add: “Wahh!”.)
I lost my v card b4 i met the girl i am with and she still has hers. She don’t hate me for it but i kinda don’t like the fact i did it b4 i met her. we have ben togethr for a year and she knows how to turn me on and in vise versa BUT we havn’t gone all the way. It doesnt bother me because sex is not everything. some people may think it is but its not. I think that if more girls and guys wated then ths world wouldn’t be so over populated but anymore you hav 13-16 year olds who are having kids left and right and its rediculous. once you are out of high school its not as bad because you arn’t under your parents roof but i think people should still w8. like i said i realy regret lossing myn but you can’t change the pasat i guess.
My husband and I were dating for 15 months before we got engaged, which was another 21 months. He didn’t seem to have any trouble waiting. (He was 26 when we got married).
hi am haidy i meet aboy how is so quite and hot i think that iam in love with him but he is always speak about sex i want do sex witn u if u do with me i will be your dog and idon’t like thise because iam sure if i do thise with him we will not be together again pleaaase i need help
Madamoiselle L
love your comments… any chance you’ve got a younger sister who’s single?
you have the kind of relationship i’ve always wished to have.
Though most guys are anxious and curious to have sex, I strongly feel they should let girl become comfortable first. I would myself like to feel safe and secured and not pushed into having sex. I agree with Sara’s story that girls often trust their man and dream of forever relation and trus and give up for their man. And once the guy gets what he wanted, he disappears and all those chocolate talks are vanished.
I didn’t have the time to read all of the comments, but I figured I would share the little input that I do have on this subject. I recently lost my virginity just about 2 months ago. I’m 20 years old and I’m pretty much the last of my friends to have sex. The guy that I lost it to and I have been casually and nonexclusively dating for the past 2 years extremely on and off. The first time we broke it off was because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He assumed that I was not a virgin and thought that I was being a tease, so I ended it because I figured he was not worth it. We started dating and hooking up again every now and then after he apologized and basically was able to convince me that he truly did care about me, but after some time he started talking about how badly he wanted to have sex with me and I started to consider the idea because he seemed like he really had changed and he was aware of how important it meant to me. He promised me that he would never do anything to hurt me, and that he certainly wouldn’t take my virginity then be done with me, which I told him was my biggest fear about losing my virginity. Anyway– we ended up having sex and it was a great night and he assured me that he really cared about me. However, it’s been 2 months since that night and he no longer talks to me and I have not seen him once. SOOOOO… clearly I was fooled by him, but I just want to put it out there, that some people really don’t ever change regardless of how good they are at acting like they have.
Well, just as a little encouragement… My boyfriend and I were both virgins when we started dating. He was ready to have sex long before I was but never brought it up or pressured me. Long story short, we were dating about a year and a half before we had sex. We have been together about 4 years so we’ve been having sex about 2 1/2, and I can honesty say…I feel like my sexual experiences have been very different than those of most of my girlfriends. Sex for me has always been associated with love, and while it’s always been physically pleasurable, it has been so wonderful because we love each other so much and have shown it through our dedication to/patience with each other. I certainly see merit in having multiple sexual partners and experiencing different things in your youth, but only having one sexual partner has been beautiful for me and my boyfriend because sex has been so much more than just “sex”. For those who argue about sexual compatability, I don’t know, maybe I have a skewed view because me and my bf clicked really well sexually, but I don’t think that was “chance”…I think it was more because we loved each other so much, we made sex work. So I wouldn’t worry too much about waiting awhile and then the sex being bad…if people love each other, the sex will be enjoyable. Anyway, the point of my ramblings is basically to say, I know there are guys out there who are willing to wait, and if this is important to you (as it seems it is) I encourage you to stand up for what you want. “How long” is really up to you…how long it takes until you’re ready, and a good guy will be willing to wait however long that as.