Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
— The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
Waiting isn’t necessarily about wanting perfection; perfection, is after all, impossible. Some just aren’t ready to take the leap. Pregnancy risk, STD risk, even just having a body not quite used to sexual sensations–all valid reasons for abstaining. And yes, I am aware that STD risks occur outside of intercourse. But my point is, some people just need to wait. A few months may in fact -be- a rush for some people, whereas many here seem to think a few months is a lifetime. It’s individual, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Within a relationship, as has been mentioned, someone can choose to respect that person’s individual need and wait with them, or they can decide it makes them incompatible and leave. It has nothing to do with should or shouldn’t, right or wrong; the only wrong would be if someone is pressured or forced into something they don’t really want to do. Gender-free, independent of orientation–everyone has a right to have sex when they are ready, which means that they should neither feel the need to wait nor the pressure to rush.
I agree with you ML, there are those people who have a sh&tty upbringing (not necessarily sexual abuse, but including that), and then deal with it, move on, and don’t let it define them, and then there are those who have made it their identity, who actually don’t want to get “better” because their identity is tied to their former situation.
Also agree with Conrad: we have made such a very big deal about sex in our society, with intercourse being the “Holy Grail” of the experience (where some people will do “everything but,” and then hang onto that virginity label)…why? Romance novels aside, most “firsts” aren’t all that great (first sex, first attempt at cooking, first ski lesson, etc.) and get better with time and experience. We don’t wait until we have the perfect kitchen/stove/pan/brand of chocolate to bake our first cake, why do people do that with sex? (“Sorry, honey, I’m not going to even try to bake you a birthday cake until I have that 8 burner Viking range, because I know it will be so much better…”) I wonder if people who are avoiding sex until the situation is “perfect” are just trying to avoid experiencing the pain and loss that potentially comes with any relationship, as though if you find the “perfect” guy, he’ll never do anything to hurt you? Nobody’s perfect, or even close, so I’m thinking some of these people may be in for a very long wait…
Thank you, Dannie. That was my point exactly.
Thank you, Rhett Butler, I agree with 100% of what you said. Many women want that ring on their finger in short order, but want a man to “wait” a very long, indeterminate time for sex in some cases. Great analogy.
Also, a sexless marriage would be a deal breaker for a lot of women, too.
Ah, Jeez, I kinda thought my comment on abuse would be taken the wrong way. WHAT I MEANT WAS, the asshole who abused you already ruined things ONCE for you, if you LET HIM make you a continual victim, and let him DENY YOU a good sex life, HE CONTINUES TO WIN!!!!
It happened to me, too, you know!
I REF– USE to take “victim” as my identity. One can get therapy, or one can think the thing through and work through it with increasing self confidence.
Child sexual abuse is a HORRIBLE thing, but it can be overcome, and if one clings to the status and identity “Victim” there is simply no way she can enjoy her life (unless she hangs around with Oprah, I guess.)
I wasn’t being “flip” I was being realositc. I know too many women (and a few men) who avoid enjoyable lives and wear their identity as “Victim” as a badge. The abuse was something that HAPPENED to me, however it is NOT what MADE me who I am. I refuse to let that asshole pedophile win, and clinging to a Victim Identity would to just that.
YOUR mileage may vary. I CHOSE TO MOVE ON and enjoy the rest of my life.
Spes, I like ya, but you really have to learn to turn down your “I’m shocked and offended.” dial. It evidentally “goes to eleven.”
What happened was not our fault or our choice. HOW we CHOOSE to deal with it IS our choice. I chose to continue to LIVE!!!!
It’s simple. You wait until you’re ready. Choosing to have sex with anyone — whether you’re a virgin or not — is your choice. You should wait until you feel comfortable with a potential partner. Sometimes that takes a few days, other times it takes a few months. Being physically intimate shouldn’t make or break a relationship.
I would also urge you to communicate with the guys you’re dating. No, “So, I’m a virgin” shouldn’t be the first thing you say when you meet a potential partner, but if you’re honest about the fact that you’re choosing to wait on sex for the time being, I think you might get rid of some of the hurt feelings and confusion that can often go along with that decision.
She’s not “making” him do anything! That’s a bad mindset to take. It sets up sex as a prize to be won by the right guy.
And ever see what Eddie Murphy has to say about a man who feels like he’s being “made” to wait, or “made” to win sex like it’s some kind of prize?
It’s a personal decision and a virgin should wait as long as she wants. It’s got nothing to do with the “right guy,” as far as I’m concerned.
As for the dudes waiting around indefinitely… wtf? Who but a high school boy would wait months and months for sex? Personally I wouldn’t even try to seduce a virgin – I’d move on out of respect for her values and our obvious incompatibility.
My boyfriend and I waited 2 years before we had sex. We’ve been dating now for almost 6.5 years. Given we were really young and both of us were virgins, the situation may not be completely relatable, but I just wanted to say that you’re definitely making the right choice.
My boyfriend wanted sex, but never forced me. Even when I said I wanted sex, he asked if I was sure before jumping on the chance.
A guy who is really going to be there for you in the long run is going to respect your choices. There ARE guys like that out there. You’ll find one. No worries. I’m just glad you’re making the right decisions so far and following your gut about these guys you have been dating. There is no such thing as “too long.” If you did want to wait until marriage, he would respect that if he really cared about the relationship. If you’re not ready, he should respect that. If you’re comfortable enough with the guy, you’ll be able to communicate this and, if he’s the right guy, he’ll get it.
As for holding out on guys, it’s fine as long as you’re not doing it to spite him. If you’re holding out because you’re not ready, that’s definitely your personal choice.
I think she should guard against being like someone who says their wedding day has to be perfect or is perpetually saying that they haven’t met their soulmate yet. In other words, that she doesn’t have a problematic outlook on the endeavor. If not, then she has every right to wait until she feels comfortable and safe.
One more thing: If I were her, I wouldn’t make it a point to advertise her outlook. I might not pursue a date with a girl who I knew felt that way, because of pre-conceived notions a la “The Virgin” episode of Seinfeld. But I could easily see myself waiting for a girl that I’m already dating and liking.
The right guy will wait as long as you need… this I know for sure. And I agree with an above poster. You aren’t “holding out” on him. You’re making a mutually respected decision about your body. Way different.
Rhett, I think Spes meant more in the, “I don’t feel like it tonight, honey,” sense of the idea within marriage. Sometimes you don’t want to have sex, and no one–not a husband/wife or anyone else, should force you into it. Yes, you have the right to leave if that is a priority in your relationship, but no one should be forced or pressured into the act. Ever. And yes, rape does exist within marriage.
You can wait as long as you like, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. When the time is right it will be right. The most important thing about having sex with someone else is that you are comfortable with being intimate with them. Whether that takes two days or two years doesn’t matter, what matters is that you feel right about the situation.
Just focus on loving you for exactly who you are. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. When you focus on loving you and building your confidence you’ll attract a guy who will love you for who you are and will be worthy of being with you.
I agree with the majority of Spes’s comment, particularly that you are not making someone wait on you. If you are 26 and have not had numerous productive, loving relationships and aren’t comfortable having sex with someone for less than that, go for it. I know many men under the age of 35 who share your view. Yes, many. Some are religious and choose virginity as part of their faith, some are less social and have trouble connecting with women initially (just shy no antisocial traits), some have simply dedicated much of their lives to this point to obtaining high-level degrees and didn’t want to risk their future with accidental pregnancies. My point: these men exist, even in your age bracket. Men who will respect you until you’re ready (but who have sexual experience) also exist; again, I know many. These men aren’t always easy to find, but the right man (or men, over time) will come along.
However, if you can honestly look back at all your ex-boyfriends and former dates that didn’t work out and see a pattern developing in their personalities, likes/dislikes, where you met them, etc…I’d encourage you to either change where you meet them, reevaluate what attracts you to them, etc. Sometimes a few visits to a psychotherapist is helpful for that type of thing, and a good straight-talking friend might serve well too for this…if you are willing to listen.
I wasn’t a virgin when I first started dating my current boyfriend, but I had only done it with my previous boyfriend, and yeah, I did not want the count to get that much higher.
He is 38, so he has had all kinds of experience before. But was very respectful from the beginning, and when things started to get hotter (like a month after we started seeing each other), I let him know that I had only had sex with my ex, and that we would need to take it slow until I was comfortable. He respected that (and even liked it).
A few months in, I felt ready, but HE was the one who did not want to rush it, since he wanted to make sure we were going for the long haul first.
We only started having sex after 7 months together, and it was simply amazing, because once we did it, we were so comfortable with each other and we were both very into each other. So… It is worth waiting, and trust me, there are a bunch of guys who would respect your time and even enjoy the mistery…
Personally, I waited longer than most to have sex. I had other semi-long-term relationships but just wasn’t ready. The guy I lost my V-card to waited 5 months. Unfortunately, he stopped calling right after. So making a guy wait does NOT necessarily mean that he respects you. I was upfront with my current boyfriend that since I was burned in the past, he wasn’t likely to get much action at first(he had helped me through the break-up with my first). He understandably wasn’t totally enthused but he said he waited 8 months just to date me, he could wait to have sex with me. After a month of JUST kissing, I had enough and ripped his clothes off and told him I wanted sex. He actually refused me because he wanted to make sure it was really what I wanted, and not due to being caught up in the moment. He gave in after I pinned him down and climbed on top. 😉 The fact that he was able to ‘resist’ a naked woman for even a little bit made me realize how much he cared. Basically what I am saying is don’t make a guy wait a certain TIME FRAME, make him wait til you are COMFORTABLE.