Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
— The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
There are just so many things wrong with Allen’s comment I just had to come back and go through step-by-step to be sure I didn’t miss anything (can you tell this is a rather touchy subject for me?).
“No guy in this day and age is going to marry a girl who won’t have sex with him after more than enough time, trust, love, commitment, etc.”
Just wrong. Proven over and over again by, I can probably assume, thousands of couples, religious or not. Example: my boyfriend and me. We have talked about marriage, and as I stated earlier, he has said he will wait if that’s what I need.
“…’I won’t trust him if he won’t wait until whenever it is I feel like it.’ To that I say I won’t trust HER if she’s not willing to give that part of herself to me.”
You write as if you believe losing one’s virginity is a casual decision. While it may be for many (most of my friends saw it as no big deal), it most definitely is NOT for many others. See point I made in previous comment, as well as my speculation on YOUR trust issues from needing to take a girl’s virginity/have sex with her to trust her, which is just so twisted and strange it doesn’t really need a response.
“These days, women are no longer pure princesses, armed with chastity and virtue and innocence. You women are career-oriented, you’re world travelers, you’re capable adults. Why remain children by withholding sex from a guy you care about, love?”
So because of women’s lib, basically, we shouldn’t have any problem with having sex with a guy who wants it? Because we aren’t sheltered and expected to stay in the kitchen and have babies, we should no longer have these kind of opinions about our own bodies? Just because we aren’t “pure princesses” (which, by the way, is an absolutely idiotic term to refer to a virgin or sexually naive woman. Virginity does not equate to purity), does not mean we don’t still value our bodies and our opinions about them. Losing my virginity is frightening to me personally because of the incredible amount of intimacy it entails, as well as the pain I know will happen. I’m not at all withholding sex and intimacy from my boyfriend by saying no to penetration.
“It doesn’t make any sense. It’s selfish. And it could lead to the end of your relationship. And by 8 months–that’s justified. Because we guys think: what am I wasting my time for?”
Selfish. Waste of time. That’s an interesting view of one of your potential girlfriends who won’t give it up to you. Sounds like you don’t really respect her as a person who can make independent choices. I wouldn’t say my relationship with my boyfriend has been a waste of time; far from it. That’s an extremely disrespectful way to view a woman who doesn’t want to have sex. I hope you let all your girlfriends know from the start that they aren’t worth your time if they won’t have sex with you. Pretty juvenile.
“She says she loves me, but she clearly doesn’t. People that love each other can’t STOP having sex–let alone avoid STARTING.”
How dare you suggest I don’t love my boyfriend. How dare you say that girlfriends don’t truly love their significant others if they don’t have sex with you. How can you possibly presume to speak for all couples? Sex≠love, you idiot! It is a wonderful, wonderful perk of being in love (or not, it doesn’t matter either way), but it is not love and it is not a signifier of love. You are applying your own experience to everyone else’s!
“We’re designed for it. It’s the reason we’re here.”
Asexuals. Homosexuals. Sex is biologically for reproduction, but everyone does it differently (or not at all). And that’s okay. It’s beautiful, whatever you choose. We are not here to pass judgement on others’ choices or to make everyone conform to our idea of what life should be like. We are here to be ourselves, enjoy ourselves and love each other, no matter what form it takes.
Virginity is not a gift. It’s not something a woman presents to a man to show him how much she loves him and how special she is. Period. If you are not ready to have sex with him for personal reasons, more power to you. But your virginity isn’t something you “give;” it just means you haven’t had sex yet.
A woman is not selfish and not a child if she doesn’t want to give her virginity to you, Allen, and for you to need that part of her to fully trust her signals you may have some trust issues. As I’ve said before, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and we have not lost our virginities yet. He says he will wait until marriage if that’s what it takes for me to feel comfortable. Personally, I am terrified. It is an extremely intimate act to me, to allow someone else to be fully inside me, joining us together. And it will be painful. I am not “testing” him, and I am sure as hell NOT being selfish to be afraid, and it’s incredibly offensive that you would make that assumption.
Not all guys fit the molds that some of the commenters think must dictate how men and women interact. Some guys are actually PEOPLE, not caricatures or stereotypes. It’s a pity that seems to be the only type of person you’ve interacted with.
If you are waiting for Mr. Right, why not wait to marry Mr. Right? After all, once you find Mr. Right, would you ever want to leave Mr. Right? I think not. It’s something to think about. . . .
Here’s the thing about waiting for sex: the waiting can be fun. All that tension, the build up? All the ways that you can pleasure each other without actual penetration? When I lost my virginity, we took a while to get there. However, some guys have their own hang ups about sex; you can’t just assume that they’re animals who just want to screw whatever walks into the room. Losing your virginity means a lot of things: birth control, risks of pregnancy and disease, it may hurt, and it’s a new way to interact with someone. You want to wait for you – NOT because you’re testing? – then wait. You want to be excited about it, not resistant. But also know that some guys do have expectations and it’s fair to want certain things out of a relationship. If you don’t want those things, then it’s not the right pair. However, there will be someone out there.
Vitals: I’m a 26 year old guy who has had sex before.
I dated a girl for over a year, who was a year older than me. For those of you counting, that makes her 27.
She was great in bed. Fantastic. The kind of girl (yes, I realize I”m referring to a 27 year old female as a ‘girl’–what can I say? It fits) that a guy knows immediately that he wants to have sex with.
She had never had sex before. Everything else–in spades. But not intercourse.
Why?
She was adopted, and somehow that got tangled up in her emotions about sex. I was fine with it. For the first 8 months. Then I started to resent her. Like commenters have noted before me, I knew what I was missing. And I knew that with her, I was missing even more than usual.
This is for all you “just explain it to him” women out there: I tried to talk to her about it. I explained to her that by now, when I’d shown amply that she could trust me, that I loved her, etc, and it was all genuine, and she knew it, what was the problem?
She couldn’t explain it. She shut down, and rolled over and faked sleep until I gave up. If she had given me a reason, I’d have accepted it, provided it made any sense. She said she wouldn’t do it until she was married.
Here’s the problem with that, to me, and most guys I know: no guy in this day and age is going to marry a girl who won’t have sex with him after more than enough time, trust, love, commitment, etc. A ring is wholly artificial. For some of you girls, it’s a defense: I’m not married = no. And from a guy’s perspective, this is profoundly selfish. The relationship is not all it could be without sex. And in most guys’ minds, having sex might be the clincher that leads to the ring. It might make the ring even a formality–something that’s obviously going to happen.
You girls say I won’t trust him if he won’t wait until whenever it is I feel like it. To that I say I won’t trust HER if she’s not willing to give that part of herself to me. These days, women are no longer pure princesses, armed with chastity and virtue and innocence. You women are career-oriented, you’re world travelers, you’re capable adults. Why remain children by withholding sex from a guy you care about, love?
It doesn’t make any sense. It’s selfish. And it could lead to the end of your relationship. And by 8 months–that’s justified. Because we guys think: what am I wasting my time for? She says she loves me, but she clearly doesn’t. People that love each other can’t STOP having sex–let alone avoid STARTING.
We’re designed for it. It’s the reason we’re here. Make sure you know the person, trust the person, love the person–and then relax a little. Sex is like an appetite–there’s always another around the corner.
I’m sorry, but what are you waiting for? You say you’re waiting for the right men, and you’re dating these guys…. If you don’t sleep with them after a couple of months of seeing them, it’s like you’re saying, “no, you’re not the right guy for me” and nobody wants to waste their time with someone who doesn’t think they’re the right person for.
Maybe that’s the problem. You can have your reasons for not having sex and the rest of the world has to respect them, but don’t complain about guys dumping you over it. Very few guys will wait forever, especially with that excuse.
Dave W, I respect your viewpoint and understand. I feel for you. I also completely understand where you are coming from. I’m sorry you have suffered. I’ve had depressive episodes, also. Serious ones.
However, I don’t believe in making That Thing That Happened be the lynch pin of my entire life.
Nor do I blame things on it nor put off normal adult activities using “that thing” as an excuse not to engage. I probably shouldn’t have said it was “simple” to move on (more the Catholic thing I was referring to) but I think an ADULT (or even adolescent) has the RESPONSIBILITY to address their issues, and DEAL with them, either on their own, or through therapy and meds. I’ve done all of these. (But, plunged into a very satisfying sex life before the official therapy or meds, just working it out in my own mind. NOT MY FAULT. That was my mantra, now I don’t have to think about it all that much.) As have most people in that situation, “depressed” or not. (And I think that having these issues in one’s past is certainly more likely to have one end up clinically depressed at one time or an other than if it had not happened. I don’t know a single person who has had this horrible experience who hasn’t been depressed at one time or an other. It means we just have to work harder to overcome it.)
As I said, I refuse to take “Victim” as my Identity and I insist on dealing with things as they occur, so they don’t cripple my ability to move forward in my life.
I’ve had some horrible nasty depression. SSRIs, therapy and introspection (but not TOO much, that can be a problem as well) helped, but to be honest, nothing helps pull me out of a cyclothymic downward spiral than good sex. (Despite the “horrible thing” that happened so long ago)
I don’t think that having a depressive situation would make someone LESS likely to put The Horrible Thing in the past (where it belongs) and move on than anyone else. JMNSHO.
I hope you can find peace. 🙂
Me said : “I’m concerned with how much the person cares about me when it happens and how special I want to feel… I would be upset if it was that unexciting or overrated. END QUOTE
Me, if you put TOO much emphasis on the “First Time” being a bigger and bigger deal, the longer you put it off, the more you WILL find it “overrated.”
For most women, and even a lot of men, the first time wasn’t the fireworks and soul melding experience they thought it might be. And the more you hold out for that, the more disappointed you will be the next morning, when you are a little sore, probably didn’t see stars or even have an orgasm (Unless you and your man have been practicing some very advanced sexual moves and you have had orgasms from these before)and you might be more likely to actually think “That was it?” The first time is rarely a way to judge what your eventual sex life will be like.
If your man is NOT a virgin then it won’t be as big a deal to him as it might be to you. Doesn’t mean he won’t care, just that he has done this before, and face it, sex with a virgin is few people’s idea of the best time in bed. (Once you gain experience, even it is is with the same guy, things will be different, but for that to happen the FIRST time has to be gotten through.) Once you gain experience, it can be that fireworks and mind meld experience. The first time is usually always, “OMG, do I look weird? Does he think I smell funny? Am I making too much noise? Did I not make enough noise? Is it going to hurt more? Should I move more? HOW? Is he enjoying it? Am I enjoying it? OW…..wtf was that? What if I bleed? What if I don’t bleed? Oh, that was kinda nice. OMG, he’s DONE already?” and so on.
Yes, the guy MAY leave you. (although you say you don’t care about that……) Few people end up permanently with the person they lost their cherry to. So? You move on.
He may leave if even if you don’t have sex. Having had sex doesn’t make a break up any worse. Unless the woman thinks of sex as something she “gives” to a man. Then there are other issues.
All I am saying is the more you expect out of “The First Time” the more you will be disappointed. Kind of like those girls who spend their whole childhood looking at wedding magazines, and thinking about “being a bride” they find A Guy who will marry them, take 2 years to plan “the perfect wedding” only to be left with nothing but a let down feeling once that SINGLE DAY is over and it wasn’t all she “thought it would be.” Not exactly the same but similar. The more emphasis one puts on just how special something will be, without ever having done it, the more likely they are to be disappointed.
Sex is fantastic! But, it takes a while to learn how to make it fantastic. Experience is one of the keys to a fantastic sexual life. You and your man have to learn what you each like and what the other likes. That knowledge is rarely there “The first time” even if you aren’t a virgin.
You have every right to wait as long as you like, but as you age, the pool of men who are “willing to wait” months or even years will get smaller and small, and honestly, in their late 20s, or older, weirder and weirder (sorry, I know some people are going to freak out, but a guy with a low sex drive who is willing to NOT have sex for months or years is just……weird to me.)
You have the right to put it off. if you think that will make things better when it finally happens. But, there are consequences to doing this too long, also. Often large consequences.
And no one can “guarantee” you that “the right guy is willing to wait as long as you make him wait.” Not true. I know a few women who lost perfectly good men to “waiting games.” And plenty of men who really cared for a woman and just ended the relationship because it wasn’t moving forward. (And for most men, and a LOT of women, SEX is an integral part of a GOOD ADULT relationship.)
I don’t believe that every person has ONE soul mate, so there are men out there, or there is only “one perfect man or woman” for anyone, but after a while “the good ones are taken” (as any woman dating in her late 20s or 30s or beyond) and your search will become more and more difficult. After High School and college, meeting people becomes more difficult, and also the pool of men who are unattached shrinks as well.
Good luck. You may want to lower your expectations (as many would see them as unrealistic, although I guess you are entitled to “expect” whatever you think may happen) and if you have a man you care about, think about the consequences of NOT making love to him.
Your mileage may vary.
Long waits are common with teen virgins but if a woman in her 20’s still said “not yet” at 3 months I would figure she’s got some big hangups with sex and I would leave. It is not a matter of not being willing to wait, it’s a matter of what probably lies at the end of that wait.
One thing to remember: If you are selecting a long term partner based on his willingness to wait, you may be selecting him based on something you aren’t intending. Willingness to have an intimate relationship with a woman without sex can be derived from several potential situations on his part.
1) He could be an idealist that puts some a way of thinking over his/your emotional and physical drives. This can be religion or other ideals.
2) He could be a very empathetic guy basing his tolerance on your emotional state. This is probably the ideal you are looking for.
3) He could have low or no sexual desire.
Conditions 1 and 3 (and there could be others) have a great potential for causing problems later if you do not share his set of ideals or if your sex drive is greater than his.
Just something to keep in mind and assess as you search.
Good luck.
I am 18, a virgin, and currently debating whether to have sex with my boyfriend. I am in love, and we have gone out together for over 10 months but I want to wait until we find out if we will be going to college near each other so I know whether it is possible for the relationship last or if it is going to be ending rather suddenly. I’ve been told I should have sex when I am ready, but I know while I may feel ready now I will not be OK if I have to break it off. Sorry, for talking about myself but what I am saying is there are guys who will wait, more than 3 months or 3 dates to have sex. This is pretty normal at my school where many couples go out for at least 3 months before sex. I think sex should be something only done with someone you trust and love but at the same time I would have felt ready to have sex at 6 months if it wasn’t for the split that will most likely have to take place at the end of school. My boyfriend and I have talked about it, and I did make it clear that I was not going to be waiting for marriage, but I did want to wait and I think that was a crucial discussion. I think many people assume that if you are waiting, it is for marriage and that needs to be communicated one way or another when the relationship is still in its beginning stage. I’m sure my boyfriend would have stayed with me through high-school if I had told him I was going to wait for marriage and try to convince me otherwise but, we are in high school, and I doubt he would be willing to continue the relationship into college if he knew he was going to be in a sexless relationship indefinitely.
I want to answer to what SS said, I have felt the wrenching pain of loss without having sex with any of the guys I have been with. I didn’t need that to assess my relationships.One of the good things(but not only that like the fact that I had the guts to walk away and make good decisions for myself) I could tell myself is that this guy didn’t have my first time. Sure I agree that waiting for perfection is unrealistic but it just feels more logical to wait to have a good bond with the other person. Other things count like not being at the right place at the right time or the fact that in between the time where it is statistically admitted to lose one’s virginity (like 15 to 18) and now in my twenties, it felt safer not to be rash in deciding who I have my first time with. I’m not worried about the guy leaving me, I’m concerned with how much the person cares about me when it happens and how special I want to feel. I don’t think perfection has its place in this order of things but I want to place personal value on this. I would be upset if it was that unexciting or overrated.
Madamoiselle L,
I can’t say I agree with everything you say about choice. Out of the people who haven’t been very successful moving on from sexual abuse, I don’t think all of them simply haven’t made the choice to move on. I don’t know why their wheels haven’t gained traction, while yours did. It’s not so easily understood. For my whole life, I’ve dealt with chronic depression(dysthymia). This is not something most people seem to be able to understand, especially in a man. I’m not sure how well someone with dysthymia would be able to move on from sexual abuse. When someone shows a lack of understanding, sometimes I ask them to look inside themselves at something they haven’t been very successful at addressing, and that other people don’t understand. But then, they don’t seem very inclined to do that.
And speaking of gender. Let me say here that I’m not exactly 100% with the way we’re gendering this, that gals make guys wait for sex and men make women wait for marriage. The sex of the individual is outside of the equation: one person is ready for one thing while the other is not. That is it. And I do believe that guys can take a stake and put time into a relationship for more than just sex. If they are attracted to the person, yes, they will want sex–but they should also want their prospective partner to want it, too. Furthermore, the idea that a woman would be denied sex because a man thinks she is not ready when she has decided she is just reeks of patriarchy. Just as a person has a right to decide not to have sex, they have the right to decide to have sex. And there is nothing wrong with either decision.