Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
— The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
what the fuck is it with americans and the waiting for sex thing?
Proud of beeing a virgin at the age of 26/30???
Come on, you women are just fooling yourselves. Or you are just in closet lesbians.
Get it over with. It os not really a big deal, it is not gold between our legs.
Becca:
There actually is an option that exists somewhere between “don’t have sex” and “get pregnant twice before age 18.”
It’s called birth control. If you’re having sex, it’s your right and your responsibility to decide how you’re going to not get pregnant and avoid chances of getting STDs.
Clearly, your previous approaches, whatever they were, did not work. Go to a doctor, get some birth control, and take control of your life and body.
damn i am impressed keep it up i am 17 and have 2 kids
I have a couple of friends who are also virgins in their twenties. Not only do I admire their perseverance in maintaining their virginity, I am also painfully aware of the awkward situations this can present.
It is important to be up front with a guy you are seriously considering dating. If he doesn’t know you’re a virgin up front, I PROMISE it WILL be awkward later down the road. Honesty is definitely the best policy in this situation (or in most relationship situations for that matter).
If the dude is right, he won’t care, and he’ll probably have no problem waiting.
I’m a mother of 6. I’m proud that you have waited to lose your virginity just like I’m proud that my 3 daughters have chosen to wait as well they are between 19-23. When that day comes or that particular moment you will sense that this is the right time for you & your partner. Its like getting on a plane for the first time, you are scared at first. You like it, then you start flying more frequently.:)
I agree entirely with Nick, above. If you’ve been with someone (long-distance aside) for over three months, you know whether it’s long-term or just a fling.
Sex is great, and quite a lot of fun, but consider this:
If sex is an integral-can’t-do-without-it thing, what if the other person were hurt, and no longer capable? Would you want to tie your love of your spouse/boyfriend to how good they were in bed?
Bad sex has never (for any relationship I know of) been a deal breaker. Most ‘bad sex’ is either poor communication (relaonship death, sex or no) or an excuse to practice more. (Assuming that the relationship is more than a fling.)
Sex can also be a carnal band-aid for a broken relationship, and lead to more pain in the eventual break-up. Don’t rush it, or let yourself be rushed. The right guy will be willing to wait until you are ready. (I was, for what it’s worth.)
I was all set to reply to Cally when Allen’s comment popped up…glad to see some further comments. I was thinking that Cally’s comments were so angry that Allen must have touched a nerve somewhere, and also noted the huge amount of fear that is present in what she says (fear of pain, fear of intimacy.) And while I think Cally would be a good person to go to if you were looking for a virgin’s take on a relationship, a person who hasn’t yet had sex is probably not the most reliable source when looking for advice on how sex does or does not affect a relationship. Cally, two thoughts: Your first time probably won’t be that great, but it doesn’t hurt that much, either. As with most things, it will get better with time. Secondly, sex is, despite what you believe at this point, a huge part of a relationship…it is what separates friends from lovers. And before you jump down my throat, I’m sure you and your boyfriend consider yourselves to be lovers, and are in love with each other, but for a lot (most?) people, a relationship without sex is like (as a college friend of mine once said) trying to drink a beer with the cap on.
Cally,
It sounds like you have some of the same hang-ups. What’s with all the fear?
I suppose I should have been more precise–no guy who HAS ALREADY HAD SEX is going to wait around for someone for longer than a year or so. Sex is a huge part of a relationship, and it only sows resentment to use it as a weapon. The line “I’m not having sex until I’m married” draws a totally arbitrary distinction between one moment and the next. And I know several marriages that came about because of that ultimatum, and fell apart within two years.
Guys and girls get different things from a relationship, and they want different things from a relationship. What if a guy was like “I’m not going to be compassionate, or let you unload your stress to me at the end of the day, or take you out to dinner, or talk on the phone for more than twenty minutes, until we’re married.” What kind of sense would that make?
I should have also been more precise when I said “give that part of her to me” — I didn’t mean a first-timer. I meant a girl that’s just using sex as a way to get something she wants. That’s a deal-breaker.
You’re going to be with this person your entire life. You might as well get the messy stuff out of the way so you can see whether you actually like the person without all the pressure some people put on sex.
Funny that you took my comments personally, Cally. That speaks volumes about which of your insecurities are at play here. Plus you just resorted to name-calling, another tactic born less of merit than of emotion.
Then, to close your diatribe, you offered this richly ironic comment, “We are not here to pass judgement on others’ choices or to make everyone conform to our idea of what life should be like.”
Isn’t that what you just tried to do?
Look, you’re not ready, cool. That’s too bad. You’re missing out.
The right guy should understand your desire to feel comfortable and ready to have sex with him. If you have a real connection it shouldn’t be a big deal. There shouldn’t be a time limit. A time limit for any man would just mean that he too just cares about having sex rather than about you. I really hope there are guys out there that will wait and are respectful. (I too haven’t had sex yet and am worried about finding a guy who’s good enough to understand that It’ll take me a little time to feel ready.)
it’s not something you can schedule. each guy will wait their own amount of time. and each relationship takes it’s own time. have sex when you are ready.
as a guy who’s looking for a long term relationship myself. I would still have to say that after enough time with out sex i would move on. not because I’m only interested in sex, but because, after a long enough wait, if she’s still not ready, then it shows an incompatibility.
also.. LOVED the comment “man are not just women with penises” very true.
32-year old virgin checking in here to add my 2 (or 3 cents). To get the basics out of the way, I’m not a virgin because of any religious reason – I am in fact an atheist – or because I’m a prude or any other reason you might be imagining.
Mostly I’m still a virgin out of circumstance. I wasn’t ready in high school or college. I dated around a lot in my early 20s but no real relationships and then I had one “actual” committed relationship in my mid-20s but he had a supreme amount of baggage and was the one who put the kibosh on any expectations for sex. After that I really stopped looking/never made it past a few dates over the last several years.
Now I’ve just started seeing someone who I could possibly see “losing it” to. And boy, would that be welcome. Honestly, at this age it just feels like this tremendous burden. Luckily I have really low expectations for what the physical experience will be – pain, discomfort, orgasm-less. But I do imagine that I will be quite tied up in the emotional fallout. For this reason, and frankly the potential pain factor (ugh!), I’d rather wait until I knew there was a reasonable amount of mutual respect and possibly love for one another before taking the step to have sex. I don’t see that as unreasonable.
As for Allen’s comments, they don’t offend me and I don’t really think he’s wrong to expect sex. As he and others have pointed out, sex IS a big part of most adult relationships. That particular woman he was dating sounds like she may have deep-seeded issues that were never worked through. I don’t know her or the whole story so I’m not going to comment further.
ML, I think the “library card” analogy just referred to the fact that the 30-year old virgin doesn’t want to be another “notch in someone’s belt”. (Apparently I cannot properly explain this w/o another analogy!)
Can someone tell me WTF being someone’s “Library Card” means?
I love to go to the library and I can’t see any analogy with sex. I love sex, too. I just don’t see what they have in common.
*sigh* Something tells me I’ll get a scary, disjointed, hell-and-brimstone answer. Y’all know me, I ask anyway.
erm… I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t know whether or not they want to have sex with someone by the second or third date. I mean, isn’t the reason you go on a date in the first place because you feel that you do, or might, want sex with the person? If you don’t feel that way, why would you date them?
Having sex is very intimate, the first time is a little bit painful for women and often it isn’t brilliant anyway. But you would know well before three months if you felt like doing that with someone you were dating, wouldn’t you? That’s if you wanted sex at all. If you don’t want sex, that’s absolutely fine – and it is possible that some women in this situation may be unwilling to admit that they actually don’t want to have sex with a man… but whatever the reason for dating guys and not wanting sex, wouldn’t it be a good idea to sit down and really think about why, so that you don’t continue to put yourself and them in an impossible situation? There are plenty of opportunities for men and women who aren’t interested in sex at all to get together, so it seems a pity to keep on with such a wrangle.
I’m here too…. It’s been asked of me too many times to count. “Why are you so tight?” This is MINE. God gave me this choice, and no person can take it away from me. God says for women to save themselves for their future husbands. Not collect on all the mistakes that can happen before. I’m no one’s Library Card.
If this was a rl conversation I’d put on my Paula Dean voice…
Hon, you can take as much time as you need.
There are lots of reasons to choose to not have sex. There are lots of ways to create intimacy in a relationship without sex.