Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
— The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
I admire that you’re self-confident to stay a virgin. So many women nowadays feel pressured into sex at young ages.
However, I agree with Madamoiselle L about the whole Mr Right thing. And, maybe, sex doesn’t have to be such a big deal. It – whether intercourse, oral, manual, etc, since I’m not sure to how large an extent you are a virgin – can just be something shared between two people that is enjoyable, not necessarily a huge proclamation of never-ending love and devotion. Losing your virginity doesn’t make you any less of a person because you aren’t really losing anything; if anything, it gives you more experiences, and makes you more of a person.
shahen, you’ve only seen your “girlfriend” four times in 18 months? It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship. Plus the fact that she wants to have control over what you did BEFORE you knew her tells you, “GET OUT!”
Maybe a girlfriend who you can actually see regularly, and doesn’t have hang ups about sex would cure your loneliness.
Good luck, dude.
Liz, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. So, you had sex. There is no shame in that.
As for “Mr. Right.” There is no such thing. I’ve been with My Man a long time, and he certainly isn’t Mr. Perfect (and I am FAR from Ms. Perfect.)
Waiting for “Mr. Right” is Fairy Tale thinking and will only bring you sadness.
The only mistake you made was thinking that “Mr. Right” would be perfect in every way.. At least you found out he refused to help you orgasm BEFORE you married him. Imagine if you had waited LONGER!!!! Married to a guy who doesn’t care if you have an orgasm or not? That’s what happens to those who “buy a car without a test drive.” You did the RIGHT thing, and it helped you get out of a relationship that wouldn’t work.
You wouldn’t have had that knowledge if you HAD waited until marriage, would you? And you would be stuck with a selfish jerk, in a situation you wouldn’t have found out about until it was too late. Good thing you DID have sex with him. YOU learned “Get to know EVERYTHING about a person before marrying them.” Without sex, you can’t KNOW what kind of lover they are, and face it, sex is a huge part of marriage and WHO wants to spend years NOT having orgasms because they “waited” and are now frustrated with a bad lover?
There may be no such thing as Mr. Right, but there is Mr. Right Now. Nothing wrong with that.
And in the end, Mr. “he cares about me, and we’re going to try as hard as we can” is the best one can hope for. BUT, you would never KNOW if he was Mr OK unless you did make love to him BEFORE a long term commitment. So, in the long run having sex with that first man, even though it didn’t work out BENEFITED YOU in a way that “staying” a virgin couldn’t have.
Dear The-26-Year-Old Virgin,
First of all, I’d like to commend you on waiting to have sex with someone who will love and respect you, which is something that truly impresses me. I, myself am 24-years-old and I did not lose my virginity till about six months ago and since I have already made many mistakes I want you to learn from them.
You have to remember that you will know, as instinct, whether is it right or not. At 24, I felt that I was getting “too old” to be a virgin. I fell madly and deeply in love with this guy and I waited to have sex with him 10 months. I knew deep inside that he wasn’t the one for me and I was right but I let love blind me. After that we had sex on five different occasions before I broke it off with him. I regret it now that I think about it. This all happened in October and November. So what does this say to you? That even if you’ve been with someone for a long time but you know that it is not right and he’s not the one who will love and respect you then I think you should not even do it because you will waste your first and most special time with someone who will not even remember you and/or that you will care. So your timing when it comes to someone can be early or later on, it depends on how you feel. If a guy cannot respect this, then he’s not the one for you. All he wants is your virginity and you’ll only be another tally on his bedpost.
Now what other mistake did I make you ask? In January I met what I thought was a wonderful guy and 17 days after meeting him I had sex with him. He was my second but I thought that it didn’t matter since I wasn’t a virgin anymore, plus I felt lonely about the first guy I had given it up to. Yes, he taught me how to orgasm (something the first one never accomplished or care to do) but I found out later that he only cared about appearances and money and that he would talk about people. I ended it after a month and a half.
Maybe I should feel ashamed that within a four month period I had two sex partners but I don’t since I learned two valuable lessons. First, you should get to know the person as best as possible before giving it up even if you’re not a virgin. Second, I learned that no matter how long you are with a person you will know when he’s the one …
I wish you the best of luck! I commend you on waiting and I wish I could say the same for myself. I have, in fact, vowed to remain celibate until I find the one who will love and respect me and not use me ….
hi im a boy 18 year old and im not virgin even my girlfriend is,and she hates the fact im not and hurts me cause now for my mistakes she not happy …..we been with eachother 1year n 6months from that we only met 4times last time was 6months ago and all we did make out and now she still having me wait and im okay cause i ode love her but then again i feel so lonely ….
I am 18. I lost my virginity when I just turned 15. I was drunk.
This mistakes was the first of many. Many, many, MANY. Almost all of which, I regret.
I think after awhile, a girl can harden herself. When the guy didn’t want me afterwards, I would just be like,”Hahaha I got what I wanted anyway. Who cares.” I began to think guys could only provide me decent 4 out of 10 sex, and drugs. That’s all.
But now, after my last huge mistake 3 months ago, I promise myself I am remaining abstinent and waiting for someone special.
There’s a guy I really like who lives a couple hours away. We dated before and have not had sex or anything close to it.
This time around (if our connection proves to be more than friends) I am making him wait awhile. So I can be sure our mental and emotional relationship is tip top.
And I know it will be amazing then. A life changing experience.
But one problem I see girl..are you so set against having sex, that when the right guy comes will you continue to be closed off and say no?
Just food for thought. :]
Thanks so much for reading guys. I feel a bit better getting these things off my chest.
its something like attraction guys are really cant control himself when he is with a girl alone and even in dating so if a person really said am not so fast am damn sure he is lie…its all complicated issues that when a person having a courage to wait for those stuffs…am sure that he had many experience with those things…its like v hesitate sweets when v took so much before that..so its all nature but still 2 among 100 male are there for u…but its hard to find..am telling this bcoz am a guy…
em & lo
you have the right to say NO all the time. Also yes there are decent men out there that would wait for a girl or lady that doesn’t want to have sex even before marriage. Have you gone to church?
I know this is just an example but there are men of all walks of life, but you will find that are not gentlemen and you will find men that will respect you wishes . they may feel the same way.
Never do anything you don’t feel like doing anything you , don’t want to do.
ladies have that right always!!!
Wow, I think it’s cool you’re taking your time. I met my wife when she was 19 and she was a virgin. I was 28 and had of course been with other women – starting at 14.
She wanted to wait it out till marriage. I didn’t try to pressure, manipulate or cajole her for sex at all. I honored her wishes.
We got married 4 years later, and the first time we made love to each other, she looked me in the eyes and said that she waited because she wanted to give her husband something that she could only give to one person.
That was 8 years ago. We remain happily married, and our bond is stronger than ever. I appreciate her beyond imagination because she always made me feel like I was special enough to be the one to share that part of herself with.
She appreciates me because I saw enough in her to be willing to not only wait, but to be faithful in the process. So, in many ways, I truly feel like our marriage is really special.
So, you’re obviously holding on for your own reasons. Follow what you want to do versus what others are telling you that you should do. Honor what you feel; you’ll know when it’s right for you!
All the best to everyone!
“tainted?”
Really?
Hello,
Do not pay attention to anyone else but your self ,in the end that all that matters. I am a 20 yr old tainted virgin meaning that I’ve had oral sex and that’s it. I am waiting for another that I can trust but until then I am filling my life in other areas. Please enjoy life and don’t worry so much about your v status, it’ll happen when it is supposed to. 🙂 Best of luck Cherry
You have all my respect. You are very much a credit to your gender. I truly believe that your life will be much richer and full of light, than those who may put you down. As for me, I would lift you up to the stars, and put a crown on your head, and I would stay on my post and protect you from any bad that may come your way, for always.
Move on now if you do not want the year 2010 to end sexless.
I’m in the same type of situation. I’m waiting for my girl to say its time. We’ve been going out for over three months. But, part of me whats to move on–just because the longer she waits the more doubt I have in this relationship. Is it because she doesn’t TRUST ME, or is she having sex with someone else, or even seeing someone else and being selective. For a guy, for me, when a girl says I love you and even having sex with you — it means she loves you enough and trust you. This is me personally… Let say 9 months down or even a year into the relationship, she still haven’t indicated when, then I’m moving on. My take is you shouldn’t drag the guy on. If you are waiting after marriage–say so. If you aren’t then you need to let him know from time to time that you are very much into him. That way he knows. But after 9 months, guys will start to have wondering eyes even finding someone else.
Johnny said: “Experience is the only thing that can protect you from shitty partners.” (Damn right!)
He also says: “That’s the tragedy of all these “wait” types – they often wait only to wind up with the wrong person, because they lack the experience to make an informed decision.” END QUOTE
It’s like buying a car without a test drive, or a moving into a house without a couple of walk throughs and looking at other things on the market and having a good House Inspection. You won’t know “the right one” if you have no idea what “right” is. “Right” comes from experience.
You can see the writing on the wall, my brother! The man has good sense. Good job, Johnny.