Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.
So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.
— The 26-Year-Old Virgin
What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:
@justsomeguy, so you are saying NO ONE should have sex? EVER? Because you see it as “risky?” And you also see sex as a thing men “ask for” and women “give?”
This is the whole crux of the uninitiateds’ problem. Sex is SHARING. It isn’t one person “giving” and one “taking.”
Only when those who are prudish realize this will they learn the pleasure, the connection, the happiness and the ecstatic feeling of beautiful sex.
Until one can see sex as a SHARING experience, one will NEVER understand what sex really is.
hey, I believe that if you love someone or you at least care about them, then you don’t even ask for sex. Why? because there are too many risks. I mean, if you care about someone you don’t want anything bad to happen to her, so you don’t want to take the risks of something bad happening to her. So ladies, if someone asks for sex, well it might not mean they don’t care for you, it might just mean they need to learn what I just wrote. You see, thats why some people say that the whole “only when your in love” thing is wrong, because if you love someone, you don’t even ask it. It’s either that or they see sex as a casual thing.
Or, if we’re sticking with a vehicle theme here…”take it for a test drive, with special care given to checking the stick shift and compressing the airbags…”
Yeah, SS, maybe not kick the tires, but you can squeeze the produce for ripeness….
OMG what is wrong with me? LOL!
@Johnny: Two thoughts: First, if Briak has made it to the ripe old age of 27 as a proud virgin, then he probably has either a low sex drive, or is actually able to control his “rampant hormones.” Either way, whether married sex is good, bad or mediocre, it sounds like he won’t care too much (let’s hope his bride feels the same way.)
Second: I like the “take the car for a test drive” analogy, but I think in this case it should be clearly stated that one is NOT to kick the tires…
Hm, Tiffany got me thinking… is “gotta test-drive the car” the flip-side of the “why buy the cow” coin (agree with the former though I do)?
Briak,
I hope against hope that your vision comes true – that as an old man who has been happily married for decades, you can still smugly state that waiting was the best course of action, and that that’s where all the divorced people screwed up.
Of course, the odds of things working out that are very very slim. I think you’re in for a very rough wake-up call down the line. If you’re lucky, that rude awakening will only fuck with you emotionally. If you truly get screwed, you’ll also lose property, money, and maybe your kids.
As I’ve said before: marriage guarantees NOTHING. Not sex, not fidelity, not respect… nothing. MANY smart men and women with lots of life experience have found this out the hard way. By denying yourself life experience, you’re practically setting yourself up for the worst.
You need a few test runs to get it right, believe me. Ahhhhh, you won’t believe me. Good luck dude.
Tiffany, Sexual Compatibility is NOT “propaganda.”
It is a real thing, and plays a VERY important part in a healthy long term relationship. It’s the basis of attraction, trust and pair bonding.
Some people have radically different sex drives than each other, and some have really different things they enjoy in bed, and some have things they simply REF– USE to do in bed that their partners require.
Sexual incompatibility is often a reason relationships fail. You CAN learn new things in bed, of course, that’s half the fun. BUT you can’t “make” or “train” yourself or “make” or “Train” other people to necessarily like or participate in some things, if it isn’t what works for them, sexually.
On the far side of this argument, what if you marry this guy, both of you virgins, and he decides the ONLY way he can get a hard on is to dress like Cher, circa 1982, and “make” you wear a tuxedo, a mustache and a false nose? Could you “train yourself” to LIKE that?
HOW would you know THIS is his thing, or even if he HAD any paraphaelias, or even common place sexual needs if you don’t find out ahead of time? Believe me, there are some unusual sexual preferences out there, (and there is *nothing* wrong with them, if the person with them has the right partner, and they spontaneously enjoy the same kind of sexual activities with consent and enjoyment on both partners) but, better to know before you tie the knot. Some of these “kinks” (or simply preferences) may be something YOU realize you like, too, some could well be something you simply couldn’t live with, and HE couldn’t live without. I’ve seen it happen it is NOT beyond the realm of possibility.
I’ve seen marriages break up because the woman or the man refuses to provide oral sex, (or even refuses to engage in ANY sex more than a few times a year) or the man or the woman requires anal, or oral, and other normal activities more tame than odd paraphelias I mentioned before, and can’t take no for an answer, and the other refuses to participate. HOW would you know you won’t be in THIS boat? Luck? No. The answer:Test drives. It’s really the best way to get a feel for you and your future partner’s compatibly.
For instance, if you “marry” a guy and THEN find out he absolutely refuses to provide you with oral sex, or anything other than 3 minute, missionary position “intercourse” and that’s it, and that makes him “happy” do you REALLY think you can simply “Train” him to tale THIS as your sex life, for the REST of your life? Or, what if your sex drive is 1/10 as strong as his is, (and if you intend on making a guy wait a year, I worry seriously about one’s drive) will either of you ENJOY your forcing yourself to have sex as often as he likes, or will YOU enjoy ending every sexual encounter completely frustrated and NEVER satisfied just to be “willing to learn what suits your husband sexually.” (OMG!) YOU have needs too. MOST women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. HOW would you know if your “future husband” (The one who evidently masturbated and went to the gym for 4 hours every day for a year “waiting” for you) doesn’t know this and refuses to care? AND refuses to be “trained” to do what helps you find YOUR orgasms?
Of course, sexual partners often learn from each other, but it is difficult to change your basic drive, or engave in activities you do not enjoy just because you feel like you SHOULD. And no good man is going to enjoy sex when YOU don’t really want to do it, but have only “learned to do what suits him.”
Your comments sound like a marriage manual from the 1950s! What if what “suits” him is something which repels you? Then what? Still gonna “train yourself?” I’d like to see how that works out.
And the whole, “If he loves you, he’ll wait.” idea is silly. Maybe for a little while, but again, you are buying into some “Romance/fantasy” aspect of relationships that DOESN’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE! You are thinking YOU are the only girl for him and HE is the only guy for you and any guy would do ANYTHING to make you “his.” UNTRUE.
With billions of people on the planet, there are hellava lot more than one mate for each person. No healthy, adult, sexually mature, self respecting guy is going to “self stimulate” or “hit the gym 7 days a week” for a year while waiting for your perfect, saintly, irreplaceable little virginal OK. A guy with serious sexual issues might, but a healthy, lusty, adult male? No. Which do you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Graveyards are filled with people who thought they were thoroughly unique, irreplaceable, and “the only one who can do the job.” They died or went away and the world went on. So is the way with relationships.
When or if you get some adult experience in real, ADULT relationships, you may understand why.
Sexual compatibility is WHAT relationships are built on. I have never seen a good lasting relationship where the sexual compatibility does not exist. YOU are not going to “learn” to be the first one.
Good luck. Maybe you’ll realize that it is MORE than “luck” when you mature.
I dont know why but for some reason people always seem to be confusing sex with love. I just dont understand it, sex is a self gratifying act for both participants. Love is sooooooo much more than that. Most people would say that they love their parents, and that they love their kids, other family members and so on, and have never even considered having sex with them. So why on earth would a person say that someone doesnt love them because they wont have sex with them? If this were to happen after being married then theyre may be a problem, but other than that I dont see it. I myself am a 27 year old MALE VIRGIN, by choice. Not only do I want my honeymoon to be special for me but my bride as well. Pre-marital sex is an (illusion) of love. The reason I say that is because it is driven by hormones, and people will argue by saying that it is driven by emotion because of the emotions involved in the act, however those emotions are brought on as a result of hormones runing rampant. I might also add, that this is the reason that there is also a big difference between “sex” and “making love”. Every and I mean EVERY mariage I have ever seen includeing my parents, where the people had pre-marital sex has always had more stress and strain than marriages involving people who waited. The reason, I believe, is because of the false love created by pre-marital sex. There are so many emotions and feelings involved in the act because there has to be, otherwise now one would do it and none of us would be here. If you are in a relationship where you and your partner have not had sex, virgins or not, and you get married before you have sex then you will know that you have married each other for REAL LOVE of the other person and that they married you because they REALY LOVE you and that the decision has nothing to do with what you do under the sheets. Shahen, I know you say that you are not waiting for marriage but you are waiting for the special guy, my question is that weather you have been dating for 3 days, 3 months or 3 years, how will you KNOW that he is “the guy” unless you get married or know that that is near future possibility? I also agree with Tiffany, a real MAN will wait because a real man has enough self-controle and self-respect for himself and respect for you. Anyway, thats my opinion, hope it helps.
One last thing:
A lot of these guys will “say” they can’t wait for sex, it’s just too hard, too tough, too whatever… That’s bullsh*t. If a man really wants you and sees you in his future he will wait as long as it takes. He’ll man up. If it means he has to stimulate himself every night, or hit the gym 7 days a week, he’ll do it. He’ll wait until you are 100% ready because he loves you that much. He’ll move mountains to be with you. And he’ll understand your concerns about trusting him with your body and your heart, especially at a time in history when most men are really just looking to get laid, meet as many women as they can and have a good time…even if they break your heart in the process. (rest assured you’ll be left to pick up the pieces by yourself.)
BE selective. Choose wisely who you share yourself with.
Okay! Stop with the “gotta test drive the car before you buy it” and “sexual compatibility” propaganda!
No one is born “bad” in bed. None of us here in this forum were “great” in bed the FIRST time we had sex. You have to communicate! You have teach and train your partner to do the things that suit your sexual needs! The same is true of those who have sex BEFORE marriage and those who WAIT to have sex. Like EVERYTHING else, you become better at it overtime and with practice and exploration. And what worked in your first sexual relationship, won’t necessarily work in the next one because each person is different. So if you want to wait until you’re married or in love…then wait! You can wait until your married to have sex AND still be a “great” sexual partner to your spouse if you are willing to learn what suits your husband sexually. Don’t buy into the bullsh*t these people are selling you. You don’t need to have 50 partners to be great in bed. It only takes 1 partner and a teachable spirit.
And forget the risk of pregnancy and STD’s, most people will never tell you about the emotional consequences they face after engaging in casual or “trivialized” sex. Yet it’s become so normalized people don’t even recognize when their bodies are being used by others for momentary gratification and then discarded for the next hot chick around the corner. And its not just women facing these consequences. It takes a toll on men, too, how they value their bodies and view their manhood. They are just socialized to believe it enhances their worth rather than degrades it.
My suggestion is that you wait until you are in a relationship where commitment, stability, and deep love are present. If that means waiting 6 month, 1 year or until your married…then so be it. And date in social circles where you will find other people are waiting to have sex like a churches/conservative online dating sites, etc. Finally, GET TO KNOW YOUR OWN BODY while you are waiting! Never allow a man to know more about your body than you do! And practice safe sex!
Good luck,
Tiffany 🙂
How do you equate with-holding sex, (with holding love and intimacy by expressing your love physically) a prerequisite to gaining respect?
Is it unreasonable for you to refrain from jumping into bed with a guy after the first/second or third date? Of course not.
Is it unreasonable for your boyfriend (who wants to be in a serious/adult partnership with you) to be unhappy remaining in a sexless relationship?….well, equally no
Contrary to what many people out there might believe, sex (within the confines of a relationship) IS an act of love…and we all want to be loved. We want to be told and we want to be shown.
I’m not saying you have anything to be ashamed of – but you have to ask yourself why sex has become such an issue for you?
I know this will be an unpopular post – but i think someone needs to say it. If your having to make a guy wait for such a long time, surely that in itself indicates the relationship was wrong to begin with.
However…I think the real problem here is not sex – but trust…Why do you find it so difficult to trust the men you’ve chosen to be with?
Making a guy wait for such a long time is unlikely to make you feel any safer. When he eventually leaves you (because he feels unloved and rejected) it will simply confirm in your mind that he was not to be trusted in the first place.
“how long is too, long?” is like a piece of string…its different for different people. Personally I would never enter into a relationship with someone if we had not had sex…simply because compatibility in the bedroom is as important as everything else in a relationship.
I wish you luck.
I guess that I may have a similar situation as the OP, but from a different perspective. I’m a 25 year old guy, and dating a 23 year old virgin.
I’ve been pretty sexually active since I was 16, and have gotten used to having regular sex. I’ve been seeing this girl for 6 months now, and I think I’m starting to lose my mind. I really do like this girl, and she tells me she loves me all the time, but I just don’t know how much longer I can really wait. To me, sex is just sex, and is a normal part of daily life. I think the sooner you get it over with, the sooner you realize its really not a big deal.
I don’t know if I will wait another 6 months.
A couple weeks ago I went out with the guys, and found myself with an opportunity to have sex with a girl I just met. I did so, it was great, but I feel terrible about it because I just cheated on my girlfriend. But, this wouldn’t have happened if my girlfriend wasn’t a virgin.
I don’t know if I should tell her or not. I’m really not a bad guy, and am not the type to go around cheating or whatnot. I’m waiting for her, but I feel like she thinks I just want to add another girl to the hit list, which is definitely not the case.
What do I do?
@ Cinnamon: “something shared between two people that is enjoyable, not necessarily a huge proclamation of never-ending love and devotion. Losing your virginity doesn’t make you any less of a person because you aren’t really losing anything; if anything, it gives you more experiences, and makes you more of a person.” end quote
AMEN, sister, you said it.
Sorry if I over-ranted about the marriage thing after your post, I was NOT targeting you at all. (We can’t edit on this site. Arghgh) The whole marriage thing a “thing” for me. 😉 You are a good poster and have good things to say. I appreciate your input a lot.
It’s good to find out from other their opinion on issues such as this however, you will get so much and as well so confused. Your description of a guy to lose your V to matched that of one looking for a long time relationship (maybe marry) at same time, very many experienced guy (definitely me inclusive) may not want to commit to a relationship with a V though it seem most illogical. What is after he is so committed and wants marriage, do you honestly think you may at one time in this life not want to have a taste of another just for the trial? You may say never but it happens and if it does in your case, what of the honest guy that you gave the V to?
I’ll advice you do not discuss your status with any new guy you meet and even when he is demanding for sex, tell him you are not ready if the mood is not right or seem not to be. If otherwise, go ahead and do it and enjoy it for how wonderful the experience was for that day. Live one day after another. If he finds out he is your first, he may improve on the relationship.
Telling most guys you are a V increases their desire to want to do it with you maybe just to be the first on your record.