Your Call: Should She Go Downtown?

blowpopsphoto by iandeth

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to five months now, and we care about one another deeply. In the very beginning, I told him that I was not comfortable giving oral sex. He replied that it was fine, and he respects my decision. Our sex life is great! And for the past month or so I’ve been thinking about finally going downtown on him. My problem is that I’m concerned that if I am uncomfortable, I do not want him to be disappointed or expect me to do it all the time. Should I just go ahead and go it, or should I discuss this with him first?

— Uptown Girl

Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.


  1. You never said exactly WHY you don’t like oral sex. Does it trigger your gag reflex? Different positions might help. Does it feel degrading? Make him go down on you first – it’s hard to feel degraded when BOTH of you have cum all over your faces. Are you worried about the taste/smell? Hop in the shower for some fun, or grab some flavored lube.

    I think the biggest issue facing you right now is to isolate the reason(s) why you feel uncomfortable with oral sex, and then address those issues, rather than just start sucking away.

  2. Wow, with all the great comments so far all I can add is that I think waiting till you’re absolutely sure to start would be sort of setting yourself up. Because you won’t find out if you really are ready, or not, till dip your toe in the water. Which, as lots of people have already said, is perfectly acceptable. (For instance I’m… pretty sure he’s not going to balk if you say “I’m not sure I’m going to like it so today can I just give you a little kiss?” And, not to put too fine a point on it, if he gets pushy or literally tries to *push* you can call it off, pop up and say, “yep, that’s why I wasn’t crazy about the idea in the first place.”

    Good luck,


  3. I definitely agree with Erin. Before my girlfriend and I were more comfortable and started to be more experimental in our sex life, oral sex was something we were uncomfortable on both sides. We discussed it quite a bit at first, and it was something that she knew I enjoyed, but something that I did not ask for every time out of consideration for her. Over time, as we grew more comfortable around one another sexually, we both grew more and more willing to perform oral sex, and now it is something we find enjoyable.
    Sex, ultimately, should be fun, and a sense of adventure I would say will make sex all the better, but if something is too far outside of your comfort zone, give it time and it may end up becoming a regular activity. In my opinion (and my girlfriend agrees), oral sex is a lot of fun to give and to receive once you’re comfortable with it.

  4. I just want you to know that I went through this same dilemma myself, and found that slowly working up to it as was suggested really helps. You don’t have to dive into oral–sex is an elastic, if not amorphous, thing. Try testing it out during foreplay briefly, and you can judge from there how it will affect you or if you want to go on–and, it can be a conversation starter for you and your boyfriend if you do decide to talk to him about it.

  5. Do it! But it doesn’t have to be a beginning-to-end type thing. Test it out as a prelude to sex and just make it really brief – stop before you get uncomfortable, and move on to other activities. I would also make sure that he doesn’t put his hands on your head. To anyone who is uncomfortable going down, this could be conceived as pressure of some sort. So, maybe transition to oral from a lying-down position, and playfully put his hands above his head before you work your way down. Good luck!

  6. Absolutely have a talk before (perhaps now right before, if you think it may hamper the mood) about what drove you to give this a chance: your feelings for him and your relationship. Then, when all’s said and done, have another talk with him. Let him know how the experience was for you, if you believe you will or won’t do it again, etc., and let him know you’re interested in how the experience was for him.

    I’m personally of the opinion than, unless someone’s being dishonest, talking will always make the situation better in the long run.

  7. When my boyfriend and I were first together sexually I did not like giving him oral and the thought of him giving me oral was even worse. We decided that it was okay that I didn’t do it. I eventually became more at ease with him and wanting to make sex for him even better. I started to use oral as a way to stimulate before sex and he loved it. I became more comfortable with it and enjoy doing it. And because I enjoy doing it for him when he returns the favor I enjoy oral.

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