Dear Em & Lo,
I’m 18 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, since I was 15. It’s been great over these few years. We’ve argued but everyone argues and we’ve managed to work things out and talk on a level where we can understand each other. He’s most definitely my best friend and when he talks to me I feel as though I am everything to him also. Recently he asked me to become his fiancee and to move in with him. He made it very clear that it is not to pressure me into marriage, I can do that whenever I am ready, etc. But he loves me and wants to take it to the next level. Sounds like a fairytale, right? But the problem is he’s the only serious relationship I’ve ever had and many people have told me to not rush into anything, to date more guys and hang around before settling down. Should I risk losing someone that I love and can manage with just because I am young and in experienced?
— Young Lover
What do you think Young Lover should do? Please advise her in the comments below.
My daughter is in exactly the same situation (long term BF, she just turned 19) but she (with no small amount of encouragement from mum) is heading to a university in a different Province next year, with the idea being there won’t be any attempt at a long distance relationship. IMO, she needs to date different people, gain a little distance and perspective, and if it is “meant to be” with her long term BF, then I’m sure they’ll find a way to be together later. 18 is much to young to be pressured into an engagement. If you want to live with him, pressure-free, go ahead, but engaged? Doesn’t sound like you’ve had enough different experiences to make that decision.
You do NOT have only one chance at love!! You WILL find that type of happiness again!
Who makes this stuff up!? Stop filling a young woman’s head with nonsense!
i think that if u have been with him for 3 years and you really love him and you are sure that he wouldnt leave you for something stupid then go for it because you only have one chance to love and be with him and it stay that way. if you to brake up then the next time you too get together it will never be the same
I honestly can’t imagine the place that you’re in. I’m 19 and have been in a series of semi-serious relationships and I wouldn’t give them up for the world. Personally I have had so much fun being intimate with different guys. I’ve met some really amazing people that I wouldn’t have if I stayed with my first boyfriend, and I’ve had some awesome experiences that just wouldn’t have come about if I hadn’t been open to new relationships. Each of the guys I’ve dated taught me something about myself, and I’ve grown into a savvier and independent person because I haven’t been with just one guy.
That said I do want to say that although I believe getting the chance to get out there and see the world apart from another person has been great for me, I’m not you and I have never been in a really serious relationship. Is it worth it to you to give up your best friend? I don’t know. I only encourage you to consider the future. If you do decide to get engaged (and then married) realize that you are in it for life. You are giving up the chance to let loose and perhaps fall in love with someone besides your boyfriend. Don’t resent your boyfriend later if you feel like you missed out. When you make the choice either way realize you need to commit to it.
i say go for it.if your so happy with him don’t let it go because if you do then you might not find that kind of happiness again.
Don’t let everyone tell you that you are too immature to understand commitment. It wasn’t that long ago that most women got engaged at your age. Maturity is situational and is not really comparable between people by age. I met my now fiancee at 18 and we were engaged after 2 1/2 years. It was my first relationship, and I am 100% sure that it will be my last. Of course I didn’t plan my life to go; I’d originally expected to date a number of men. After dating my fiance for a while though, I no longer had a choice — I knew I could not ever live without him. I am completely confident about committing to this man at a young age and as my first relationship. Perhaps though, if you are not so confident about the relationship, then it is a sign that you should not be getting engaged. The whole, “if you have to ask, you probably shouldn’t be doing it”, thing comes into play. Are you thinking about getting engaged to this guy just because you want to live with him now, and not because you know you NEED to be with him forever?
I was in a similar situation and I’m now divorced. I won’t patronize you and say that you are too young to be in love, but I can tell you that until my divorce at the age of 34, I had only lived with my parents and my husband and I felt that I needed a chance to finally grow up on my own. I am not saying that you should have torrid affairs, or that you even need to break up with your boyfriend, but I do think that going off to college, living in a dorm or with room mates or whatever is an essential life experience that you may later regret giving up.
Everybody has different needs. I started dating the man I eventually married at the age of 16. However, after less than a year together, we decided to have an Open Relationship. The main reason was, as I was young and inexperienced, and he had some experience, but not as much as he desired, we didn’t want to end up, 25 years later going, “What did we miss out on?” And start trying to FIND OUT after marriage, kids, etc.
We still saw each other, but also saw other people, and it satisfied a lot of curiosity etc. Neither of us has been unfaithful in our 2 decades plus of monogamy. I can’t say that would have happened if we hadn’t had the time to play around. It takes a LOT of inner examining to say, “I love him, and he loves me, but I am just too young to really know what I will want 20 years from now.” And then follow through with it. It was hard at first, as most of my friends had full time “boyfriends” but virtually none of them are still together, and some of the ones who attempted to marry with little or no experience with other people went through HORRIBLE divorces. And usually with kids involved.
It worked out for us, but if we had grown apart, at least we would have found out BEFORE we did anything permanent and legal and expensive (divorces are expensive!) Our kids will never have to worry about the pain of Mommy and Daddy not loving each other (I saw my parents go through a divorce and it SUCKED!) and I am glad we had the courage to go through the Open Relationship, despite the obvious lack of support from most of our friends.
Not being exclusive was the best thing for us, until I was finished with college (he finished before I did) then we decided we had sowed our wild oats and could settle down and not feel we had missed anything.
It worked for us. It may or may not work for you. I know I am a different person than I was at 16 or 18, and I am pretty sure if we had been monogamous that young, it would have imploded.
Your mileage may vary.
Don’t do it. Go to college, or save some money and go backpacking or something. You’re young. It’s a big world. See what’s out there.
Why rush to move in together and get engaged?
I will be the last one to tell you that you’re too young to be in love, or that you need to break up with him and have a series of torrid affairs in order to be happy–it would be hypocritical of me. I’ve only had one serious relationship. I’m twenty-two years old, in the fourth year of a serious relationship.
But I wouldn’t have wanted to live with my boyfriend during college. College is a time to cultivate yourself as an individual. This is possibly easiest if you’re totally single, still quite possible if you’re in a steady relationship but with ample time and space that is totally yours, but becomes quite difficult, I should think, when you share every space, every moment, with someone you define as part of yourself. Besides, when young people first move out of their homes and into their first co-habitations, they’re probably going to go through an awkward phase of how to be a good roommate. Better to inflict that on a stranger than to let it put even more stress on a still very young relationship with it–especially since you would both have such high expectations of each other!
I was a mature eighteen year old. But I was far less mature then than I am now–and that’s not something I would have been able to see at 18. I’m glad that I’ve had the time to grow and mature as an individual as well as in my relationship.
I’ll finish this by echoing others who have said: “You have plenty of time. Why not take it?”
I have to agree with Quite Contrary: engagement to me means in the process of planning the wedding. Don’t get engaged if you’re not sure you want to get married.
Just curious: Is it really a choice between getting engaged or breaking up? Why isn’t there a third option where you and he wait until you’re both ready to take the next step?
I’ve been involved a serious relationship for 6 years now–since I was your age. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, have talked about marriage, broke up, got back together, moved in with each other, had more ups and downs, are currently very happy and back to talking about marriage…in a few more years. My point? We’ve done an awful lot of growing up, growing apart and growing together (I’ve heard that’s what your twenties are for.) I can’t picture things turning out this well if I’d said ‘hell yeah’ to getting hitched back when we were 20. He and I agree that the intervening years, the time spent figuring out what we want and who we are, have only helped our relationship.
I’m not suggesting that you need to have other relationships or spend time apart to know what you really want–everyone’s different. But why rush, especially if you’re so firmly on the fence at the moment that you reached out to em&lo. You have plenty of time. Why not take it?
I am in almost the same boat as you, except I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years (since we were 15 & 16).
I love my boyfriend with all my heart, he is everything I would ever want in a man and I know he feels the same about me.
But we have decided to keep doing what we’re doing for now, just taking it slow. There’s been talks of marriage, but we both have agreed that it may or may not happen in the future. He’s been considering moving in with me, but hasn’t yet because the rent would almost be double what he’s paying now…
Anyways, someone who (kind of) knows where you’re coming from, I would say just take it easy. If you want to move in with him, great! If not (or not yet), that’s fine too. Same goes for the whole fiancée thing. It will probably help your relationship to do what YOU want, make compromises, and just take it easy. After all, you’re so young, you have so much time to make tough decisions like this 🙂
I honestly can’t imagine the place that you’re in. I’m 19 and have been in a series of semi-serious relationships and I wouldn’t give them up for the world. Personally I have had so much fun being intimate with different guys. I’ve met some really amazing people that I wouldn’t have if I stayed with my first boyfriend, and I’ve had some awesome experiences that just wouldn’t have come about if I hadn’t been open to new relationships. Each of the guys I’ve dated taught me something about myself, and I’ve grown into a savvier and independent person because I haven’t been with just one guy.
That said I do want to say that although I believe getting the chance to get out there and see the world apart from another person has been great for me, I’m not you and I have never been in a really serious relationship. Is it worth it to you to give up your best friend? I don’t know. I only encourage you to consider the future. If you do decide to get engaged (and then married) realize that you are in it for life. You are giving up the chance to let loose and perhaps fall in love with someone besides your boyfriend. Don’t resent your boyfriend later if you feel like you missed out. When you make the choice either way realize you need to commit to it.
You either know or you don’t. Don’t listen to anyone who says you need to run around and ‘have fun’. It’s over-rated. If he truly is your best friend and you feel you communicate well and everything is clicking there is no sense to abandon that for some ‘what if’.
Because if you do abandon it, and the ‘what ifs’ are a bunch of assholes and you’re never as happy as you were, there will be no going back no matter what you two tell each other.
I’ve got friends married almost 25 years now that were friends as young teenagers. They are happy now as they were then. It happens all the time. Others have to wait until their mid 20s or later to find that kind of happiness, and some never do because they’re always looking for ‘the perfect’ one.
(I’m 38, Married since ’97 and still very happy)
Don’t know about you, but “fiancee” means someone with the intent to marry. Perhaps, for social reasons, you need this type of cover story to be able to live together without criticism. However, as soon as you tell people you’re engaged, you’ll never get away from them asking when the wedding date is. Whether you want to live with this guy is a separate issue. But if you decide to move in, let it be to live with him. If you decide to take the name of fiancee, let it be because you’re planning a big party with rings and a license involved.