Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-06-13

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
So maybe there’s no Santa Claus, and perhaps the tooth fairy turned out to be pretty damned useless once you’d got all your grown-up teeth. But yes, Virginia, there is a Cupid, and this week, he’s in your corner. So make like Rocky and own the ring; with any luck, by sundown Friday you’ll be yelling “Adrian! Adrian!” in the throes of passion. Actually, come to think of it, best not to say “Adrian” unless you’re actually sleeping with one. Using your luvver’s own name adds a nice personal touch.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know that old trope that you don’t have to end up alone if you don’t choose to? We’d like to state for the record: That’s kakapootie. Sure, you can always be with someone, as long as standards aren’t an issue for you. (“No personality, no manners, no oral skills? No problem!”) What you can control is how often you get out and about and meet people — and the more people you meet, the less likely you are to have to lower your standards. Hey, it’s just numbers, folks.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Teabaggers think their taxes have been raised. American Idol sucks this year. Doesn’t anyone care about poverty anymore? Inflated salaries have sucked all the joie de vivre out of sports. The Vatican should be prosecuted for organized crime. Who said you could blow second-hand smoke my way? Blah blah blah–why do you have to be so opinionated all the time? Can’t you just sit back and let the TV wash over you like the rest of us? No? Well, good for you. But if you want to get laid this week, you might want to turn it down to four or five and save your big “the world is ending” rant for the morning after.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you’re looking for someone who is dedicated, loyal, and ready for a relationship, you should attend some of the worthy activities going on in your local community. Hell, even a book-signing will do, as long as it’s not an Ann Coulter book. But if you’re looking for someone who is conniving, backstabbing, and emotionally unavailable, then take your pick from any of the losers hanging out at your local bar.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: You don’t know how to make the first move. You don’t believe in your own seduction skills! Here’s your solution: You gotta have faith. Oh yeah, and remember: Cheesy lines never work. “Hi, my name is [fill in the blank]” is the only line you’ll ever need to know.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Does personal integrity matter anymore? Is honesty still a virtue? We get countless letters asking us how to cheat and get away with it. Lies, even lies of omission, get you in trouble. If you lie, than you live a lie. Liar, liar, pants on fire, etc, etc. You get the picture: What you do and what you say should be one and the same this week, as always.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Admit it: You’re no Cyrano on your best days, and this will not be a week of best days. But that doesn’t mean you have to plagiarize in order to get laid. Instead, work with what you’ve got: The heart of a Good Samaritan and more creative ideas than Martha Stewart after five years in the slammer. Do something nice for your intended, and then sit back and wait for the booty to come your way. Oh, it will alright, you can be sure of that.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Twenty-thirteen is treating you very well so far; you’re the arm candy du jour and everyone wants a piece of you. Make the most of this aura of cool and pledge your undying love (or at least your amorous intentions) to that cutie you’ve had your eye on. We’re pretty damn sure you’ll get the response you’re looking for. And if you don’t? Well, they’re an idiot, you’re still hotter than Georgia asphalt, and at least there are plenty more horny fishes in the sea just dying to be runner up this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Some people are paralyzed by the prospect of making decisions. They fear they’ll make the wrong choice, that one wrong move–like buying the generic toothpaste on sale rather than the Colgate Total–could set in motion an irreversible course of events that will determine whether or not they die alone and destitute. So they procrastinate, overanalyze, and stress. Ultimately, they don’t decide, just let the toothpaste fall where it may, which is of course a kind of decision all of its own. Usually, these people feel out of control, constantly worried, like there’s a void. And this week, we’re saying that’s a good thing for you. Embrace the indecision. Sit on your ass. See how the other half suffers and it’ll serve your love life well. Don’t worry, you can go back to taking charge of your destiny next week, after some sucker’s taken pity on you and taken you home.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Freedom, woah, freedom, that’s just some people talking: Your prison is walking through this world all alone. And so went a hundred thousand high school yearbook quotes. In the long run, we tend to be down with the Eagles’ pro-commitment philosophy. But if you commit to the wrong person, damn if it doesn’t feel like a prison. Resist the urge to wallow in your loneliness while listening to old Eagles’ albums this week, and save all that commitment until you’re sure you’ve found a worthy recipient.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you want to know how someone really feels about you, ask him or her outright. Don’t break into their email account, don’t fake a personal ad and try to get them to respond to you, don’t have your BFF pass them a note with check-off boxes about whether or not they’d go steady with you. No, communication (which may or may not mean confrontation) is the best way to know where you stand. Because you have to know where you stand before you can move forward. For instance, if you figure out you’re standing at the end of a plank over a pool of sharks who lust the blood of a broken heart, only then will you realize in which single direction you can move.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We hate to be the ones to break it to you, but you can’t always be Cinderella. And this week, the shoe doesn’t fit. No matter how many toes you hack off–at least, that’s how it went in the rather gruesome version of the fairy tale we remember, thanks Mom and Dad–this glass slipper relationship is still not going to be right for you. And don’t think you can get away with rationalizing that “it’ll do for now.” ‘Cause if you insist on shoving your big-ass ugly feet into those glass slippers while you wait for your own prince(ss) charming to come along, when s/he finally does, you’ll have so many blisters that you’ll be unfit for any kind of shoe. Even those super comfy “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker” kind.