Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-13-13

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re gonna be smooth like butter this week. Better yet, you’re gonna be smooth like Fleischmann’s Light margarine spread. Have you ever felt that stuff? It’s so silky, so creamy, we swear you’ll want to get some vinyl sheets from the incontinence aisle at your drug store, open a tub of the marge, get naked with someone and starting buttering each other up like two slices of banana bread. Hey, maybe that could be the creative approach to getting to know someone better that’s in the stars for you this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Even if someone offered you a thousand bucks to put a cork in it this week, you’d be hard pressed to keep your mouth shut. It’s okay, everyone suffers the occasional bout of verbal diarrhea. Personally, it’d drive us nuts, but we don’t have to share a cubicle with you, and we certainly have no plans to swap spit with you. And lucky for you, there’s someone out there who doesn’t want you to put a cork in it–in fact, they consider your bubbling to be pure Veuve Cliquot. They’re dying to swap spit with you… and they might even be the very same person you share a cubicle with. Chance in a million, but we thought it was worth mentioning.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If there ever was a week to schedule seven online personals dates in a row, this is it. You will be nothing short of totally Energetic, Entertaining, and Engaging. The coveted hat trick of E’s! It’s your key to finding true love via online dating. Or at least an excuse to finally kick your prime time reality show habit.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s time for your medicine. We know you hate those super-serious, state-of-the-relationship Talks, but there’s only so long you can put it off for. Trust us, you’ll feel much better once you know for sure where you stand (assuming you’re not totally off in your educated guess as to the state of the relationship, in which case, it serves you right for waiting for so long and we hope you’ve learned your lesson for next time). And who knows? Maybe you’ll even be rewarded with a lil’ “sugar” to help the medicine go down.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
As John McEnroe was fond of saying, “You can’t be serious.” (And yes, we realize we’re dating ourselves here. We stopped watching tennis when the female tennis players traded in grunting for primping.) Indulge in whatever tasty treats take your fancy this week, but don’t get too attached to any particular cupcake. It’s all fun and games until someone starts taking things too seriously. And certainly don’t try to get that cupcake to commit. What are you, crazy? It’s just a piece of bread with icing on top, dude.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The whole trick to writing horoscopes is to make them applicable both to the sweet young couple on their second date and the dirty old marrieds who just bought a strap-on together. Of course, it’s not a “trick”–it’s an art, it’s a science, and it’s mystical as hell, alright? So here’s yours: Take the path less traveled this week when it comes to romance. Now that’s a horoscope.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Channel your inner Pat Benatar and hit ’em with yuor best shot. And we don’t mean finally punching out your annoying cubicle neighbor who insists on saying “L.O.L.” instead of actually laughing at funny emails. No, we’re talking about that total hottie whose only annoying quality is their refusal–thus far, at least–to sleep with you. This week, they’ll finally give you the opportunity to prove your love and devotion. So give it all you’ve got, whether that’s a Power Point presentation or an interpretative dance. And if that horoscope reading is too specific for you, try this one on for size: Persistance is a virtue with many rewards. This week, it’s time to reap those rewards.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Stand up and be counted and you will appeal to lots of potential partners who are in the crowd. Your strength to speak out for what you believe in will prompt someone to ask you out. Of course, if you’re only going to espouse Rush Limbaugh’s party line, then we recommend sitting your ass down and shutting your pie hole for the sake of your sex life.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Keep all zippers zipped, all flies flying high, all underwear on, and all trays in their upright and locked positions. If you can’t stand the heat, then go rub one out in the kitchen. Just remember to close the blinds first.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be open and receptive to advances being made this week. Yeah, right, you’re thinking: Like you spend every weekend thinking, “Oh god, I hope that hottie doesn’t ask me for my number/to dance/to dine at Mario Batali’s new restaurant.” But perhaps there are ways in which you unintentionally make yourself less open/receptive to advances. We can’t really think of any right now, but maybe you can.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
When it comes to making that leap, if you’re not absolutely convinced that your parachute is in good working order, then don’t leap. Duh.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re a little bit nuts. You’re into table-dancing, sky-diving (oopsie!), and eating cereal for dinner, you rebel you. You’re a little bit rock’n’roll, absolutely no country. So if you choose a partner who’s into Marie Osmond, it’s not really gonna work out.