Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-20-13

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years — this might refer to love, or it may apply simply to a friendship or business relationship. Shame on you for even considering it, by the way! Think of everything they’ve ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that’s part of their charm. Don’t walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Hey big spender, put your wallet away. If it’s your hard-earned dollars winning someone over, are they really worth winning? Even if it’s your easily-come-by trust fund dollars doing the winning? Okay, so let’s just say, hypothetically, that they really are that hot, and you really are that superficial. But how are you going to hold onto your gold-digging hottie next time Ben Bernanke’s forecast doesn’t agree with your stock portfolio? Plan for the future by being generous of heart but stingy of wallet for a while. If you find yourself tempted to spend!-spend!-spend!, then feel free to buy our books!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Put on the charm and do your dance this week. (Wait, you have a dance? Is this something you do in your underwear in front of your bedroom mirror? Does it involve spanking your own ass with a hairbrush? Or is this “dance” something you do out in public, like some kind of macho-b.s. end zone spaz-out that embarrasses all your friends?) Uh, maybe don‘t do your dance. Putting on the charm, however, is fine by us, and will probably get you some good attention.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’re living Les Liaisons Dangereuse this week. You are Madame de Tourvel (or Michelle Pfeiffer, for those of who prefer your literary classics in easily digestible movie form) and your wooer is Vicomte de Valmont (John Malkovich)–devastatingly romantic and heartbreaking on the surface, but manipulative and cynical underneath. Beware of love letters, especially those written on parchment with feather quills.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve got a real craving for chocolate and security this week. The candy aisle at your grocery store will take care of the chocolate. As for finding stability, that’s a little trickier. Don’t throw yourself at just anyone who seems willing. Get to know potential partners before moving forward. (If you look up “moving forward” in a thesaurus, it’ll say “doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t commit to anything or anyone this week. That means no money down for a summer time share, no acceptance of invitations to any Breaking Bad parties in August, no promises of lifelong fidelity, and no agreeing to reciprocal oral sex either.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Stop making excuses and join in the fun. Get out and take part in some damn social activities. Don’t waste time sitting at home alone watching reruns of The Ghost Whisperer on Tivo, not when this is such a great week for romance! Now, if that little motivational speech doesn’t light a fire under your ass, then maybe it’s time to get a happy pill prescription. Or at least some chocolate. (See Leo.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll want to push this week, like a pregnant lady in labor. But when you get pushy with love, you start to make faces and grunting noises, much like a pregnant lady in labor. Have you ever watched a live birth, like on TLC? It’s not exactly sexy. This week, you’ve just got to let the love come on its own. Save the faces and grunting for the miracle of birth–or at least for the sex you’ll hopefully get next week as a reward for not being pushy this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will find yourself attracted to someone much older than you…or much younger than you. If you offer to help them out in some way (be creative: everybody needs a little help sometimes) you’ll find yourself in a position to ask them out. And if you do find yourself in that position, you damn well better ask them out, or else this entire eerily accurate horoscope will have been for naught.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week you’ll suddenly find yourself attracted to someone you meet via work. But it’s not necessarily a good week for this. If you’ve got a performance review coming up–or if the “via work” connection is that the hottie in question is married to your boss–then we suggest taking a sick day and staying home to jerk off to soap operas.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We hope your town has some kind of charity run coming up. Or even a charity chicken dance. Because if you take part in some sort of charity event this week you might meet someone special. If you can’t find anything pre-existing, then we suggest you give fate a helping hand and organize one of your own. It’s not cheating if we say it’s not.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to make a romantic decision. Your heart is racing and you aren’t sure exactly what to do next. You probably have to go to the bathroom real bad, too. But if you follow your heart, revisit the moral of every romantic comedy ever made, and live by the big book of cliches, then you will become America’s favorite horse mouth, Julia Roberts! Okay, okay, you’ll just find yourself in a committed relationship–that’s kind of crazy too, but in a good way.