Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-08-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
No matter how many new shirts you buy, how many manicures you get, how much money you throw around, or how much affection you offer, your attempts to impress will be moot. People will see through you like a thinly sliced sliver of ginger. Of course, they won’t say no to the affection. But their lack of reciprocation will burn worse than wasabi on your tender, pink parts.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You don’t have to commit to the first person who comes along. Wait until they’ve all walked by and then pick the hottest one. Did we say hottest? We meant “most compatible, most respectful of your life goals, most likely to join the Peace Corps, and most likely to get on well with your parents.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars really surprised us this week, with quite the unexpected, rash, go-get-’em-tiger guidance for Taurus. So here it is, in its original, unabridged form: “You need to get laid.” Oh you saucy stars!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
As Roy Orbison sang, “Anything you want, you got it.” Pursue your sexual fantasy this week; it can only strengthen your relationship. Unless you’re not in a relationship and your sexual fantasy involves your best friend’s grandparents, in which case you might want to stay home and live vicariously through old Orbison LPs.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re pretty damn convincing when you use your head. And no, we don’t mean that special head-butt maneuver you learned from Pogba (though that has been “convincing” in the past). You’re going to have to think outside the box this week to get your partner to see things your way. We’re talking seriously out of the box. Like, Transformers-style. “Robots in disguise! More than meets the eye!” Be the robot.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Just because you’re in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash doesn’t mean you should go wherever they lead you. Wait a minute, what are you doing in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash?! This week, the stars tell us that someone you least suspect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. So, you know, you might not want to be wearing a dog leash — it will only make things easier for them.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Talk is cheap when it comes to lust this week. But you’re not always particularly good at expressing yourself anyway — so consider yourself off the hook! Do unto others as you would have done to yourself . . . with your tongue.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that we’re always encouraging you to “explore your fantasies” and “talk to your partner” and “communicate your dirty little fetish.” And we always say, “How will they know what you want if you don’t tell them,” or, “You don’t know they’ll say no until you ask.” This week, you can scratch all that: for the next seven days, it’s gonna be vanilla ice cream or no ice cream, if you know what we mean.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently you  should be all lovey-dovey with your sig oth this week, according to the stars. The stars are so insensitive sometimes, aren’t they? (Not to mention obvious.) What if you don’t have someone to love right now? Like you needed one more reminder that this week would be a particularly nice time to be all loved up. Pshaw! We say, drink beer, eat ice cream, and download Shirley Valentine.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t hide your light under a bushel this week. Hmm, sounds kinda dirty. We mean: Don’t hide all your jiggly bits under baggy clothing. Just kidding, they’re not that jiggly. Let’s try again: Think of the one thing you’re most shy about (voicing your opinions, changing your hair color, changing your mind, changing your underwear) and make an effort to not be shy about that anymore. Feel free to give your reflection in the mirror rousing words of encouragement each morning.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just settle for someone because you are lonely and need oral sex. The person offering the oral sex may be wrong for you, or not very good at it, or worse, really dig you for more than just your genitals. If you can rule out the third case, then you have our permission to go for it. But don’t come crying to us when you can’t climax because it was the second case.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be a tease if you’re not prepared to follow through; that hottie will make a fine friend, but a nasty enemy. Fatal Attraction, anyone?