Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-20-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
What you want and what you get may be two different things. Try to be honest about who you are and what you are looking for. If you aren’t interested in someone, don’t lead him or her on. In other words, if you’re not really a firefighter or a Good Person, don’t dress like one on Halloween.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Consider yourself warned: There are some people who will assume that just because you’re dressed as a doormat this Halloween, you want to be treated as such. So be prepared to point out the line between fantasy and reality. And practice saying the word no… and meaning it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If your partner has been sneaking around a lot lately, don’t assume they’re having an affair. Maybe they’re planning a surprise Halloween costume ball, a la Eyes Wide Shut. And if that’s the case, don’t be surprised when the only people who show up are wrinkly old men draped in cloaks.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book. Like one of ours. They’ll help kill the time until you finally find someone cool to knock boots with.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts. Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or on line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re goind to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being a married Evangelical pastor, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Anal Fisting Education. Besides, that rumor you heard about pastors getting a free pass on gay sex with prostitutes is not true. Total urban legend, man.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Just because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.