Your Weekly Horoscopes: 12-01-14

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sometimes it’s not about who has the best lines or the firmest butt or the biggest bank account. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of stamina — who stays the longest and the latest. This week, your Energizer Bunny-like persistence will work in your favor.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You will be loud, obnoxious and a little erratic this week — but somehow, this will only add to your charm. (We never said any of this astrology stuff had to make sense.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
God, your hair is perfect. Your teeth? Like a friggin’ Crest White Strips commercial. When you walk into a room, everyone turns and stares, mistaking you for a celebrity. You’ve even got an entourage that’s just one hanger-on short of a harem. Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts, because someone’s going to expose you for the charlatan you are. And when they finally tell everyone about the time they caught you naked with the Jell-O mold, then where will you be, huh?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s not paranoia if they’re really talking about you. And do you really think your partner would be planning a surprise birthday party for you six months in advance? Are you sure that’s the explanation for the late-night hushed phone conversations, the unexplained hang-ups after midnight, and their sudden need for a pint of ice cream from the deli at two a. m.? Wise up, sucker.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your mother would like you to know that she thinks it’s about time you thought about settling down. The stars agree.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Think about what you are doing. Or maybe just think about who you are doing. Is he or she really right for you? Just like forest green makes you look washed out, that lame-o bimbo/himbo you picked up at the conference in Tulsa makes your ass look fat. Pick partners that bring out the color in your eyes, bring out the best in you, and most importantly bring out the trash. For reals, the people you’ve been dating lately simply are the trash.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your easygoing nature will attract romantic interests this week. But then your need to spill your guts will send them away screaming.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Yeah, you’re a freak. But that’s O-Kay. Who wants to be like everybody else? Predictable is boring. If someone doesn’t understand your borderline-sexual obsession with dolls, or your job at the morgue, or your collection of antique speculums, well then, they probably aren’t good enough for you anyway.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, before Netflix and Hulu and Amazon on demand, there were these things called “video stores.” And if you went to the video store in the mood for a real tear-jerker, you didn’t hang around the sci-fi section hoping someone would have accidentally filed a Meg Ryan flick there. And if only Mystic Pizza would do (like we said, this was a looooong time ago), and the store was one of those asinine, film-snobby places that filed everything (even the schlock) according to director, then you didn’t just stand there looking lost until one of the clerks took you by the hand and led you to Julia. No, you went after what you wanted, and if you couldn’t find it, you asked the video store clerk, no matter how much of a stuck-up, condescending, filmmaker-wannabe he or she was. Take a tip from the good ol’ days and act this way in your love life. Jeez, if it was worth doing for a five-day rental, surely it’s also worth doing for the potential love of a lifetime, or even just for a five-minute lunchtime quickie.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’re going to be moodier than a goth teen who’s grounded on the only night the Cure is in town. This is mostly a result of you being confused regarding your feelings toward a certain someone. Of course, in typical moody-teen fashion, you will take out your bad mood on this same “someone.” Dude, we’d ground you, too.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The stars suggest that you “Start the week off by letting potential partners come to you. By the end of the week you should be in a position to make your choice and make your move on whomever you feel is the right lover for you.” Which sounds to us like a 168-hour orgy. But then again, we once yelled out “giant poo stacks!” when driving past the dark brown hills surrounding Phoenix, Arizona. Assuming you’re a tad more mature than that, enjoy taking the high road, with your well-chosen lover by your side. And we’ll take the dirt road, heh heh.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, plead the fifth when you can and you’ll get the sex. Say the wrong thing and it’s all over but for the crying. Chances are, if you do open your mouth, you’ll say the wrong thing. So like we said, plead the fifth.