Your Weekly Stars: 01-13-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Chasing has never been your style. Neither has finishing what you start. But persistence will pay off this week. Whether that means you’ll finally get that special someone who stole your heart to go out with you, or you’ll catch the punk who stole your bike, we can’t be sure.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Everybody’s looking for somebody who looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker. But don’t expect the first pump you try on to be the perfect fit. You’ve got to suffer a lot of blisters and bad eighties stillettos before your glass slipper shows up. Wait, there’s a little life left in this metaphor, and you can bet your Louboutins we’re going to squeeze it out: Just because a pair rubs you the wrong way the first few times, doesn’t mean it’s lacking potential. Second chances will save you a little heartbreak and a lot of great shoes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You might want to carry some gum around with you for the next couple days. You’re going to need it to wash the dirty-sneaker taste out of your mouth when you really stick your foot in it this week.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You know what? You’re not going to win the lottery, the pizza delivery guy/girl is never going to turn out to be a hottie, and you’re not going to make the cut for that reality TV dating show. Which means, lard ass, you’re going to have to get up off the couch and make your own damn move. Hey, it’s either that or another night alone at home with a tub of vaseline.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We’re so over all those fatalists who think love is something that just happens to you. People, sometimes you have to roll up your shirt sleeves and work for it. You know — give up your favorite TV show, give up meat, give up oral sex with your ex, whatever. Sure, you might think those things are what make you you, but how much fun is it to be you when you’ve got no one to love? A whole lot less fun than a barrel of monkeys, that’s how much.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve been wookin’ per nub in all the wrong places. Your next dose of sumthing-sumthing is going to spring from a very strange source, so make sure you’ve always got good underwear on, even if you’re just swinging by the pet cemetery on your way to the podiatrist to have your in-grown toe-nail operated on.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sure, we all have a few charity cases in our lives — acquaintances we see out of some odd sense of duty. Maybe we see them because we believe that instant karma’s gonna get us, or maybe it boosts our egos to be with someone who needs us more than we need them. Or maybe we’re just nice people. Whichever it is, this is not the week to worry about karma, or egos, or being nice. This is the week to spend time with people you actually like. You know, “friends,” “lovers,” “family members,” and “advice columnists.”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will not be alone. . . That’s pretty heavy stuff coming from the stars. Too bad you don’t know if that means you have met a true kindred spirit and companion, if you’ll find a warm body to curl up next to one night in a futile effort to slough off the cold realities of everyday life, or if you’ve just got a peeping tom.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
So there you were melding your sweetheart’s face and yours in Photoshop to see what your kids would look like, except they didn’t even ask you on a second date. Sucks, doesn’t it? When you’re drowning in rejection, take solace in the field.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You are beginning to feel more like settling down. We don’t how we know that either, but it’s true, right? Creepy, we know.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Someone will want you to make a commitment that you aren’t really ready for. So don’t close that deal — be it financial, business, romantic, or bootylicious.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to poop or get off the pot. Your wishy-washy act is starting to get old, and that hottie you’ve kept waiting is about to gather their last scrap of pride and tell you to fuggetaboutit. And then you’ll just be alone and constipated.