aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Keep yourself busy this week. And we don’t mean by re-organizing your sock drawer or checking out your Netflix Suggested Viewing. Go out on the town, wine, dine, take in the sights, absorb some local culture, flirt, shake your groove thang, sing karaoke, make out in dark corners. You’re much hotter when you’re cooking something up than when you just order in.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ll just want to cozy up with your hon and a home-cooked meal, maybe a couple of DVDs. You’ll feel like staying at home, kicking back and knockin’ some boots. Or maybe you’ll be up for a weekend getaway, just the two of you. Fuggetaboudit. Your hon isn’t going to be on the same page this week.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t lie this week. Just be honest. It truly is the best policy (except when faced with questions like “Do I look fat?” or “Is my penis too small?”).
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
They’re called standards. Get some this week.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“[We] know something about love: you gotta take it and show him what the world is made of — one kiss will prove it. If you want him to be always by your side, take his hand tonight, swallow your foolish pride and tell him that you’re never gonna leave him, tell him that you’re always gonna love him, tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now.”*
*If necessary, feel free to replace the words “him” with “her” and “love” with “sex.”
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When you have a hot date, you shave, maybe buy a new shirt, put on your best underwear, clean your apartment . . . just in case. But admit it: it’s a bit of a ruse. Most of your underwear is worn and torn, and stubble is a way of life for you. We’re not suggesting you shouldn’t bother showering before you go out, just make sure you’re not pretending to be someone you’re not for the sake of impressing another this week.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Isn’t it always the way? You fall hard for someone and they’re emotionally unavailable. Someone digs your scene and you couldn’t care less. The imbalance of romantic power — or “hand,” as George Castanza said: seriously, did you know he, like, invented the concept?! — has got to be one of Murphy’s Laws. This week, you’ll have mad hand. Just be sure you don’t rip out someone’s heart with it.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Take that special someone to the boardwalk this week. Take a day off work if you have to. Ride the ferris wheel, slip down the water slide, eat chocolate-covered, frozen bananas on a stick. There’s nothing like getting sand in your pants to bring two people closer together.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t go swimming too soon after you’ve had a feast of the eyes.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Do the Wonder Twins stand around discussing what they’re going to do and how they’re feeling about each and every situation? No. They pick a form and they commit to it. They act. This week, let your Wonder Twin powers activate!
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be surprised if any of the following somehow creep up in conversation this week: “If you won’t marry me, I’ll go gay”; “If you leave, I’ll shave my cat”; “If we can’t have sex every day, I’ll bonk our mail carrier”; “If you don’t start using deodorant, I’ll vote Republican. ” Don’t get bullied by ultimatums — giving into them doesn’t help anyone. Except the Republicans. And the mail carrier.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Jealous feelings are about as reliable as a used car dealer. You’d research a second-hand car before plonking down your three hundred bucks, right? So, before you let the green monster out of the cage, do a little research first. Chances are, you just don’t have all the facts regarding a certain someone you are rather fond of. And if you’re right, hell, unleash the ugly beast.
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