Your Weekly Stars: 08-25-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect):

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We all have our fantasies of becoming the people we want to be — by working out like Emily Blunt in Edge of Tomorrow, wearing only the hippest rags from obscure Japanese designers, reading classics like Anna Karenina, volunteering at the local home for orphaned supermodels — all in the hopes of getting laid by Mr./Ms. Right. But you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not. So just be yourself. Unless, of course, “being yourself” involves breaking any kind of law or mixing plaid with stripes.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, you will be prone to saying things that hurt your partner’s feelings. Let them know how much you care by going parking with all the local teenagers — make out until the windows get all steamy and/or the cops show up.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t take on more than you can handle when it comes to love. You may feel like a John Deere, but your relationship hasn’t reached farm-truck status yet. If you try to take on too much cargo you’ll end up with a flat tire, three hundred miles from the nearest tow-truck. And wouldn’t that suck?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The stars tell us that you’ll find yourself “in a difficult situation” if you start schtupping a married friend. No kidding. But apparently you need a little reminder this week not to go parking your minivan in someone else’s parking spot.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Being high maintenance may have looked cute on Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, but on you, it just clashes with your hair and makes your butt look big.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Shut up and do us, cowboy. Uh, we mean, do whoever it is that you’re doing these days. The only talk we want to hear from you is pillow talk.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sometimes (okay, almost all times) honesty is the best policy. Take Jennifer Lawrence talking to Vanity Fair about her career: “Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.’” Take a tip from JLaw this week and say how you really feel.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Easy there, Tiger! Woah, Nelly! Hang on, Sloopy. You know how dogs are all cute and funny until they start humping your leg? Take a cold shower, you dirty leg-humper, you.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
These transportation metaphors are getting flat . . . like a tire! Okay, Sag, we’ll spare you any more locomotion similes (see your friends Capricorn, Pisces, and Aquarius) and get straight to the point: Your reputation is hanging in the balance. Don’t do anything — or anyone — stupid this week.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Things are not likely to go your way in the romance department this week. If love is a battleship and sex is a fast car and going on a date is a bicycle — well, let’s just say you should be walking everywhere for the next few days.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Public transportation is often cheap, dirty and boring. Sex with strangers is often the same way. Travel in (and with) style this week — hell, this year.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, you’ll have to grease the wheels, rev up the engine, and kick it into high gear to get the affection you crave. You may even want to splurge on super unleaded gas and an E-Z Pass. Who knows, you may end up getting lucky in the back seat.