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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-19-14

May 19, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Omigod, it so totally worked! Your new Urban Outfitters alterna-wardrobe has totally given you this new mysterious air, and don’t think the alterna-hotties haven’t noticed. They’ll be lining up to write angst-filled sonnets dedicated to you. Now you won’t even have to smoke to look cool!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
There comes a time in everyone’s life when there’s only one place to turn for advice — a Bette Midler movie. Your time has come: Your life lessons for the week are to be found in Beaches. (Oh, who are we kidding: When you’re looking for advice in a Bette Midler movie, it’s Beaches or nothing. ) So anyway, there’s this three-hanky scene where Bette’s mom asks her, “Why’d you leave your husband?” and Bette replies, “Because he stopped paying attention to me.” And good old mom launches into this whole long speech about love and giving and sacrifice and compromise, and how, if you go through life expecting people to pay attention to your needs all the time, eventually you’ll just wear everyone out and die alone. So there you have it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Do you ever feel like everyone’s getting a little somefin’ somefin’ except you? Yeah, well maybe that’s because everyone else is putting a little effort in. You can’t just sit at home and wait for booty to ring the doorbell. Unless you want to make it with a Jehovah’s Witness. And it’s highly unlikely they’re going to accept your advances.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Be a go-getter. Close the deal. Make the sale. Visualize success. Be in it for the long haul. Be the ball. Do everything those Motivational Posters tell you to do, except do it in the bedroom. Now who’s the boss of you, huh?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Even if someone offered you a thousand bucks to put a cork in it this week, you’d be hard pressed to keep your mouth shut. It’s okay, everyone suffers the occasional bout of verbal diarrhea. Personally, it’d drive us nuts, but we don’t have to share a cubicle with you, and we certainly have no plans to swap spit with you. And lucky for you, there’s someone out there who doesn’t want you to put a cork in it — in fact, they consider your bubbling to be pure Veuve Cliquot. They’re dying to swap spit with you. . . and they might even be the very same person you share a cubicle with. Chance in a million, but we thought it was worth mentioning.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve heard it before: Relationships take work. But it seems like you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting lately. Where’s your beloved? Probably out back working on their tan. If you’re going to get this house o’ love built, you’ve got to get your partner off their butt. If not, it’ll be time to give up and just pitch a tent on your own.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Looking into our crystal balls, we see. . . lots of spermatozoa! Okay, okay, not what you we’re looking for. Looking into our crystal ball (singular), we see you in a relationship, a rather ho hum relationship. We see you feeling trapped, closed in, claustrophic. We see you jumping out the window for some “fresh air.” But it’s a long way down and, unlike cats, you don’t bounce. Take your fate in your own hands and walk out the front door with dignity (and your derrière)  intact.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Being mysterious does not mean giving vague, coy answers to questions posed by potential suitors. Nor does it mean reading Mary Higgins Clark on the subway. Nor does it mean wearing a cape. No, being mysterious means leaving a little something to the imagination, not oversharing, and keeping your pants on for more than ten hours. This week, be a puzzle wrapped in a enigma that someone will want to bother unwrapping.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Just because someone asks to borrow your notes from Physics doesn’t mean they want to have your baby.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Secret affairs are sexy and exciting and dangerous and thrilling . . . on the surface. But at their very core, by their very nature, they are based on lies and fear and deceit and mistrust. Are we right or are we right? Do you want to be superficial or deep? That’s what we thought.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We don’t have to tell you that there are at least fifty ways to leave your lover: what you might need reminding of is why you should consider making a new plan, Stan. Everyone needs to lean on their loved one every now and again, but your partner has been subsidizing you for too long. Whether that subsidy is financial or emotional we can’t say (the stars were a little unclear on that point) but we do know that it’s time to pull a Paul Simon and go solo.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty is the best policy. Don’t keep things bottled up inside. Express yourself. Open the doors of communication. Pour out your heart and soul. Spill your guts.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-12-14

May 12, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, you’ll feel wild and passionate. Your body language will speak for itself…unless you have a limp. In that case, you should just speak for yourself. Either way, you should get a wild and passionate response in return.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Observe the person you’re interested in, because the more you know about them the easier it will be to seduce them. A calculated approach will work wonders for you. Note to creeps and weirdos: The preceding is not permission to eavesdrop, read private emails or diaries, spy with binoculars, sneak into apartments, rifle through underwear drawers, or otherwise stalk.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
How can anyone resist you when you have so many interesting things to share? An antique vibrator collection, the ability to turn your tongue upside down, an encyclopedic knowledge of Kim Kardashian’s “career.” Take a look around — okay, take a really good, close look (in hobby message boards if you have to) — and you’ll soon discover that you already have a number of potential partners with similar interests and like-minds to choose from. You all deserve each other.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t put too much emphasis on wanting to be in a committed relationship. The more you do to please yourself, the more confident you will appear to others and the more likely it is that you’ll find true love. And yes, we’re talking about masturbation.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t be too quick to pursue someone who is playing hard to get. Play hard to get yourself by playing Boggle or basketball or hide & seek with someone else. Game playing: It’s what’s for dinner!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Step up to the podium and be entertaining and you will be sure to entice a number of interesting partners who are intent on winning your heart. This may mean karaoke. It may mean entering a local air guitar competition. It may mean running for office. Whatever it is, just get up there and make an ass of yourself — love (and embarrassment) will surely be yours!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re hotter than Georgia asphalt, hotter than pleather in a heat wave, hotter than the earth will be by 2100, when the ice caps have melted and all the coastal cities are underground due to global warming. You should be able to attract all the attention you want this week. Then again, maybe you just have a fever.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will win someone’s affections by being attentive and letting your feelings be known. The time is right to get serious. So don’t crack any jokes, not even that funny one you heard on The Daily Show. Be earnest and austere. Sometimes having a stick up your butt can be sexy.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Stop worrying about being in a committed relationship. Take it slow and have some fun. Figure out what you need and want, not what someone else needs and wants from you. But if what you need and want is a pony, well then, you’re shit out of luck.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t go chasing love like a hyper dog, humping its leg every chance you get. No one likes a dog humping their leg (unless they’re a bit touched in the head). No, let love come to you first, let it slowly approach you and sniff your butt. You’ll be humping each other in no time.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re single, so mingle! Eat some dip and Pringles. But don’t hum commercial jingles. If you’re bilingual in the languages of English and love, soon you’ll meet someone who’ll make you tingle. Okay, no more rhyming now, we mean it. (Anybody want a peanut?)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t let anyone back you into a corner or you may end up in a vulnerable position…like, um, in a corner with nowhere to turn. Avoid corners this week.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-05-14

May 5, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It won’t take much for you to attract a perfect partner. That’s assuming your perfect partner is a pinhead who hasn’t been laid in two years and isn’t getting any younger. If you’re aiming a little higher than that, you might have to work a bit harder. You know, lay on some charm, try a little neuro-linguistic programming, etc.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
According to the stars, it’s all about experimentation this week. So show up in your lab coat with nothing underneath.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? Because this week, procrastination could mean missing the opportunity for one of the most amazing sexual encounters of your life. We thought that would get you up off your tush.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We don’t want to be an after-school special or one of those old annoying “The More You Know” PSAs on NBC. But you’re giving us no choice: If someone really loves you, they won’t pressure you to do something you really don’t want to do. Stand your ground.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, the stars say, “The more you linger the more excited your partner will become.” If you think about it, that’s pretty dirty.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
No pressure, dude, but if you’re wishy-washy and indecisive for much longer, you’re going to be stuck with a brand new decision: Die alone, or die surrounded by your seven devoted cats. So strap one on and pick someone already.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The stars say your practical nature will lead you to prefer partners who can support you financially. Funny, we’d call that your shallow, leech-like nature. However, we and the stars do agree that showing your true nature to potential partners will be about as romantically effective as showing them your ringworm infection on the first date.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Take it nice and slow. Don’t get discouraged if someone you like isn’t responding the way you want. You are best to do your own thing and let this person observe you from a distance. Your good qualities will gradually shine through, like the sun after a light summer rain in one of those douche commercials.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your “energetic nature” — frequently dissed by those close to you as “spazziness” — will attract all the right people this week. So don’t tone it down, no matter how many dirty looks you get from strangers in public places. Will those strangers be taking you home to screw your brains out tonight? We didn’t think so.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Unfortunately, Cap, we couldn’t make heads or tails of your horoscope this week. It just didn’t make any sense. So how about some handy advice instead? Think of this as a mission, should you choose to accept it: Go to a toy shop (the adult kind) and splurge on an item you’ve always wondered about but haven’t had the nerve buy. Then use it before you come back next week for your next horoscope. Now that makes sense.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Your ability to be a creative lover will prompt all sorts of possibilities in the romance department. Think of all those orifices. Imagine the possibilities. The colon’s the limit!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Most people are lucky if they get one chance to fall in love in their lifetime. But you will apparently have “lots” of opportunities to fall in love. What star did you blow to get such luck?

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-28-14

April 28, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Everyone likes to embellish a little, to make their stories or themselves a little more interesting. We all do it. Suddenly that drunk make-out sesh you had with some rando in the bathroom of a dive bar becomes a spontaneous threeway in the hot tub of a top-floor penthouse. Or that one time you volunteered at an old-folks’ Bingo tournament sounds more like a twelve-month tour of duty with the Peace Corps. Most of the time, it’s harmless — and it helps get you laid. But beware, someone’s bound to call B.S. on you eventually — and more likely than not it will be the one person you really care for and/or want to screw. Then where will you be? Alone in the shower with your tears and your lies and your hand, that’s where.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sometimes love’s a battlefield, other times it’s more like friendly competition. You know, the game-playing, the mind games, the playing hard-to-get, all that good stuff. This week, you’ll find yourself in the thick of friendly competition. Maybe your job isn’t challenging enough, maybe all your favorite sitcoms are on hiatus, maybe you just like the chase — whatever it is, you’re addicted (it’s kind of like booty eBay, isn’t it?). We hope your friends (or your therapist) can handle the fall-out.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Remember the ’90s? Remember the economic boom? Remember how every friendship was a potential networking connection? Every casual conversation a potential stock tip? Yeah, well, the ’90s are over, sucker. But fortunately, sex is still free, and every friendship is a potential booty connection. Work it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’re not thinking clearly this week — even from seven states away, this much is clear to us. You’re highly likely to screw up any major decision you have to make. So stay home, and avoid encounters with anyone except drinking buddies you’ve known for at least a decade and immediate family members. This week, appointment TV is your friend.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Whoever said business and pleasure don’t mix, never experienced the unique joy of getting busy on their boss’s desk. Something to think about this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Another one from the “no duh” file: If you’re walking on your own path and you happen to meet someone special, it follows that this special person will be down with your path (either that or they’re just a crazy stalker freak). But if you’re one of those big fakers who takes strolls on other paths and you meet someone special there, you’re either going to have to carry on being a big fat faker, or risk getting dumped. It’s one to grow on.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Channel your inner Pat Benatar and hit ‘em with your best shot. And we don’t mean finally punching out your annoying cubicle neighbor who insists on saying “L. O. L.” instead of actually laughing at funny emails. No, we’re talking about that total hottie whose only annoying quality is their refusal — thus far, at least — to sleep with you. This week, they’ll finally give you the opportunity to prove your love and devotion. So give it all you’ve got, whether that’s a Power Point presentation or an interpretative dance. And if that horoscope reading is too specific for you, try this one on for size: Persistence is a virtue with many rewards. This week, it’s time to reap those rewards.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t even worry about the dude/tte you don’t think has noticed you: There isn’t a chance in hell that he or she hasn’t. Well, maybe you should worry, depending on when they noticed you. If it was when you had one of those booger danglers, then it goes without saying that you should be very, very worried.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You want sex? Well sex costs. And right here is where you start paying. No, not in fancy dinners or a few neatly folded bills discreetly exchanged in a seedy motel room. In sweat. The kind of sweat you work up when you’re trying to be witty, charming, engaging. You know, when you’re just being you. Have a Power Bar before you go out.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t lie about your intentions to any trusting (read: gullible) parties this week. Or else we’ll have to kick your tushy.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You have such a unique way of approaching people that it’s a miracle you don’t scare all the hotties away. But somehow, it works for you. This week, you’ll meet someone just as “creative.” You two freaks should be very happy together.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Prick up your ears this week. That should satisfy the, er, special person in your life.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Overplayed Inspiration Week

April 21, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand. All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands and touch me. Hold me close, don’t ever let me go. More than words is all I ever needed you to show. Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me. Cos I’d already know. — “More Than Words,” Extreme

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s raining men! Hallelujah, it’s raining men! Every specimen. Tall, blond, dark and lean, rough and tough and strong and mean. — “It’s Raining Men,” The Weather Girls

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Shake your arm, then use your form. Stay on the scene like a sex machine. You got to have the feeling sure as you’re born. Get it together right on, right on. Get up, get on up. — “Sex Machine,” James Brown

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
I want a man with a slow hand. I want a lover with an easy touch. I want somebody who will spend some time, not come and go in a heated rush. I want somebody who will understand when it comes to love, I want a slow hand. — “Slow Hand,” The Pointer Sisters

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Tell him. Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes. Reach out to him and whisper tender words so soft and sweet. Hold him close to feel his heart beat. Love will be the gift you give yourself. — “Tell Him,” Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
I’m so tired. I don’t know what to do. Oh, I’m so tired. My mind is set on you. I wonder should I call you but I know what you’d do: You’d say I’m putting you on. But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm. You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain. You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane. You know I’d give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind. — “I’m So Tired,” The Beatles

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
I love myself. I want you to love me. When I’m feelin’ down, I want you above me. I search myself; I want you to find me. I forget myself; I want you to remind me. I don’t want anybody else; when I think about you, I touch myself. — “I Touch Myself,” The Divynls

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Turn your heart-ache right into joy. She’s a girl, and you’re a boy. So get it together, make it nice. You ain’t gonna need any more advice. — “Love the One You’re With,” Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Celebrate good times, come on! There’s a party goin’ on right here — a celebration to last throughout the years. So bring your good times, and your laughter too. We’re gonna celebrate your party with you. It’s time to come together. It’s up to you, what’s your pleasure? Celebrate! — “Celebration,” Kool & the Gang

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Stay away from my window. Stay away from my back door too. Disconnect the telephone line. Relax baby and draw that blind. Kick off your shoes and sit right down. Loosen off that pretty French gown. Let me pour you a good long drink. Ooh baby, don’t you hesitate ’cause tonight’s the night. It’s gonna be alright. ‘Cause I love you girl. Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now. — “Tonight’s the Night,” Rod Stewart

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht, your hat strategically dipped below one eye. You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte, and all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner. You’re so vain, you probably think this horoscope is about you. — “You’re So Vain,” Carly Simon

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
People, let me tell U somethin’. If U didn’t come 2 party, don’t bother knockin’ on my door. I got a lion in my pocket and, baby, he’s ready 2 roar. (Yeah. ) Everybody’s got a bomb, we could all die any day. (Oh. ) But before I let that happen, I’ll dance my life away. Oh, they say 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! (We’re runnin’ out of time. ) So 2night I’m gonna party like it’s 1999! (We gonna, we gonna, oh!) Say it one more time: 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! — “1999,” Prince

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-14-14

April 14, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You will meet people in the strangest places and through the most unlikely situations. So don’t be startled if you fall in love at first sight at the DMV, you feel that spark at the dump, or you get that little tingle in your pants at the funeral home. No matter how inappropriate it may seem, make sure you get the digits.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
There’s a fine line between roleplaying and asking your partner to be someone they’re not. Don’t cross it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This is a much better week to charm the pants off someone figuratively than it is to take them off literally. Restraint should be a value for you this week, not something you use to tie a hottie to the bedpost.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Not to freak you out or anything, but the soulmate clock is ticking, the Jeopardy theme song is winding down, the hotties are all pairing off, it’s less than two months ’til prom, and YOU DON’T HAVE A DATE. You can’t afford a night in; put those drinks on the credit card and paint this town red.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Be yourself. Go on: Wear that beret, do that little Irish jig (who cares if it’s Bon Jovi on the jukebox), admit that you really miss The Bachelor. We guarantee that putting yourself on the line will make someone else feel better about themselves, even if they’re too shy to tell you just yet. And isn’t it enough just to know that? Oh, it’s not? Well this public display of embarrassing proclivities is also the foundation of something beautiful to come. And that’s all that we’re at liberty to say right now.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Remember back when it was considered dorky to be a homebody with a functional family life and parents you actually liked? Now that everybody’s all growed up, your family values are a selling point (except when you say “family values,” you don’t mean “whose stupid idea was suffrage, anyway?”). If you feel a “special bond” (as your grandmother would call it) with someone this week, invite them home for tea.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your spirit is a wild bird, and it cannot be tamed! It soars high over potential mates, taunting them with droppings. Some will flap their wings and try to touch the sky with you. But only a special few will be able to catch up. Those are the kindred ones, and they’re the keepers. If we’re still making sense to you, then you’ve been reading these horoscopes far too religiously for far too long.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The stars are always down on secret affairs. Just once we’d like them to say, “Hey, Scorp, this week is perfect for lying and cheating.” Now that would be a little slice of heaven. But it ain’t ever going to happen. Because no matter how much pull they have with the tides, they can’t make illicit affairs morally conscionable. Poop!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars say one night stands are in your future. We’re not going to judge whether this is good or bad. Just be sure you’re as safe as can be.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
There’s a snake charmer in your life who’s playing you like a, um, whatever instrument snake charmers play. They’ve got you mesmerized, hypnotized, doing silly little dances, treating you like a circus animal instead of the sex animal you are. Have some dignity: grow a spine and some limbs and walk away.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Take a chance this week — we’re, like, 99 percent certain you won’t get hosed for it. A blind date may lead to great oral, a neighborhood function may lead to a “swinging” time, a new pizza topping may spice up an otherwise mundane Monday night at home. Just in case we’re right, make sure you keep a clean house (both genitally and literally). And may we suggest trying pineapple on your pizza? It’ll flavor more than just your ‘za, if you catch our drift.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Do you find yourself putting off calling the person you’re dating? Do you tell him or her white lies about your whereabouts? Do you go out, get shitfaced, and end up doing it in the public bathroom with a near-stranger while the person you’re seeing is home writing you love letters? Well, have we got the pill for you! It’s called “Integria,” and it’ll help you grow some labes and break it off with the person who’s obviously not right for you — guaranteed!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-07-14

April 7, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Whoever you’re currently with is going to hate us for this one (you yourself may even be a little bummed), but we recommend having the “Let’s just be friends” conversation with you-know-who. Hey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles when you realize that what you want and what you’ve got are two different things. If you wait, you could very well be on the receiving end of a conversation like this.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week is going to kick tushy for Tauruses (Tauri?) everywhere! Maybe you’ll meet the man or woman or your dreams! Maybe you’ll win the lottery! Maybe you’ll hit inbox zero! Maybe you’ll just feel so irrationally cheerful that you’ll use exclamation points all day!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re interested in an a-hole. Get over him or her and move on. Have a nice day.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If we had to describe you as an article of clothing this week, you’d be a pair of sexy fishnet stockings. Or those really skinny metallic jeans that will be in style for the next ten minutes. If we had to describe you as an animal this week, you’d be a fox. If we had to describe you as a stock, we’d say, “Buy, buy, buy!” If we had to describe you as an egg this week, we’d say, you’ll get laid. Often.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve been laying the foundations for weeks; it’s finally time to lay some – oh, don’t make us actually say it. Go get ‘em, tiger!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Robert De Niro has made like five hundred movies. But do you ever hear him gush to Us Weekly about the importance of date nights or his wife’s pet name for him or how he likes to keep the fires burning? We wouldn’t say that this reticence has improved his success rate at relationships (how many different baby mamas does he have, again?), but we have a feeling that — for Bobby, at least – discretion, is in fact what keeps the fires burning. Think about that next time you get tipsy during office happy hour.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We’re so sick of these cheesy, formulaic Hollywood-machine movies with their pat lessons on love and life: Follow your heart, Julia Roberts/Sandra Bullock/Reese Witherspoon insist. In real life, that’s exactly what leads to being left at the altar with a bun in the oven and no money. Think with your head this week. Heck, think with your willie/weegeena if you have to. Just be sure to ignore your heart.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your independent and confident approach to life will attract any lover you want this week. Choose wisely and it could turn into a long-lasting relationship. Choose poorly and you’ll spend an excruciating evening hearing about the nasty fungus infection your date contracted at the public swimming pool. But look on the bright side: we don’t think fungus infections are contagious.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you wouldn’t buy a car from a fast-talking salesman, why would you buy a line from a fast-talking pick-up artist? Be a smart booty consumer and shop around for the best deal out there.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
There’s nothing wrong with playing the field. You’ve been training hard and you’re at the top of your game. Just make sure everyone is playing by the same rules.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll want to get out and party this week. Heck, don’t we all? If you’re going to be snarky with all your co-workers and too hungover to get any work done because you raged on a school night, you may as well make it worthwhile. So go some place you’ve never been before. If that’s shaking things up a bit too much for ya, at least visit your local hangout on a different night (we hear Tuesday is the new Thursday) so you’ll encounter a different group of regulars.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Normally we hate to resort to cliches when it comes to telling your horoscope (ahem). But this week, nothing says it better: getting lucky will be like shooting fish in a barrel, as long as you get out of your La-Z-Boy and interact with a few people. And hey, if you’re really that lazy, we know a phone number or two you could call to get laid right in that comfy ol’ chair.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-31-14

March 31, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you accept the first offer that comes along, you’ll never know how many more you might have had to choose from. Don’t listen to your friends who tell you that you’re being “selfish” by making people wait for an answer. They’re just jealous that they’re not more in demand.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t settle just to get a date on Thursday. It’s like Amanda Jones says at the end of Some Kind of Wonderful: “I’d rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You sleep over; they think it’s serious. You buy them flowers; they fall a little harder. You say, “I love you”; they think you mean it. You go down on them…oh wait, never mind. Think before you act this week: Are you prepared to accept the consequences?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be confused about love this week (join the club). And if you’re confused, it’s probably not a good time to make any rash decisions. Especially since once you make your mind up about something, you tend to defend that decision with much pomp and circumstance, even if everyone in the world — including you — knows it’s a bad one. Try being shy and reserved for once. It won’t work for very long, but it’ll at least get you through the week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Yield for pleasure. Everything’s coming up roses. Everything’s going your way. Hey, is that a bluebird on your shoulder? Your sex life is going to take a turn for the spicy this week, whether that means your long-time love finally agrees to try a third position, that hottie finally returns your call, or you finally figure out how to get invited to an orgy.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When Charles Schwab was asked once how he did so well in the financial markets (actually, we’re guessing he got asked that pretty much every freakin’ day of his life), he said, “By always selling too early.” You would do well to apply his advice to your love life: Sure, it’s hard to cash out when you’re having so much fun playing the market, but the longer you try to play the game, the more likely you are to end up stone-broke or loveless.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
A really easy short-cut to happiness, satisfaction, and contentedness is to tailor your goals to make them attainable. Or at least, pick a few new, short-term, easily accomplishable goals to add to your list. Like maybe “Have a fling” should be added to your list, right above “Find a soulmate and settle down for a lifelong relationship that includes communication, great sex, three kids, and a loyal and well-behaved golden retriever.”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re likely to attract all sorts of interest while you’re out and about this week. However, not all of it will be to your advantage. Maybe you don’t want the parking officer so “interested” in whether or not you’re re-feeding the meter. And maybe you don’t want your boss so “interested” in how much of your day you spend IM-ing with your friends. And maybe, just maybe, you don’t want your mother “interested” in your collection of avant-garde porn. All we’re saying is, if you insist on wearing the pink tutu and making your armpit “sing” the “Golden Girls” theme song, make sure that’s what you want to be noticed for.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It’s set-up city this week. A friend, a relative, a co-worker perhaps, will hook you up with a possibility. Resistance is futile. Submit! And don’t be shy: You’re a star and they’re an astronomer. Which could just mean they’re a total dork, but it’s always nice to be liked.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Everything is funnier in threes except sex. Threeways? They totally suck (if you don’t agree, then you’ve been watching too much porn). Love triangles? They suck harder. Two Girls and a Guy? Don’t even get us started on how bad that movie sucked. If you must have group sex, make it a fourway so no one’s piggy in the middle. If you must enter a love triangle, please don’t kid yourself that it’s going to end in anything but tears (well, tears and mindblowing sex, probably). And if you must rent a Robert Downey Jr. movie, make it Iron Man or Only You.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Turn off your judge-O-meter. Focus on the good qualities of your romantic interest, not their real or imagined wussiness.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it’ll be like everyone’s wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they’re sober or sloshed.

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Your (Proverbial) Horoscopes: 03-24-14

March 24, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) As you know, a rolling astrologist gathers no moss. So this week, we present you with you your horoscopes in proverb form….

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Play slow, win slow; play fast, lose fast.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you are in hiding, don’t light a fire.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
As the dog said, “If I fall down for you and you fall down for me, it is playing.”

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It is a far better thing to bespoil your youth than to do nothing with it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking comes repentance.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It is for her own good that the cat purrs.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: One-Word Edition

March 17, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, it’s one-word advice, because brevity is the soul of wit.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Moderate. (Def. #1: To lessen the violence, severity, or extremeness of. NOT Def #2: To preside over.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Investigate.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Enjoy!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Socialize.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Submit.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Wait.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Forgive.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Converse.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Radiate.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Testify.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Dominate.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Discern.

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