Horoscopes
Horoscopes
Halloween Horoscopes: October 26th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) What’s the hurry? Take your time and get to know a potential partner a little before considering becoming intimate. In the meantime, bob for apples without using your teeth to practice for the oral sex to come later. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Being a stickler about guests wearing costumes to the […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: October 19th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You charmer, you. You’re generating enough heat to melt another iceberg. Stock up while it lasts — it’s going to be a long, chilly winter and you’re going to need the material. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Drink martinis (shaken, not stirred), practice your witty repartee (Hottie: “Hi, Justin […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: October 13th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Instead of wasting your time on someone who doesn’t make you happy, waste your time on yourself. Work on improving the good and overcoming the bad. You probably won’t be able to undo years of neuroses and the countless ways your parents screwed you up, but at least making the effort […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: October 5th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Being a slut…er…playing the field will be your M.O. this week. But be careful: Anyone you “lead on” this week will come a’calling next week with bells on. Literally. They’ll have little jingle bells sewn onto their sleeves. You’ll be able to hear them coming from a mile away so you […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sept 28th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Concentrate on making money rather than on making sweet love. But when you think about it, what’s the difference? taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) A friend or relative will introduce you to someone new and (keep your fingers crossed) interesting. Of course, this could mean you’ll be meeting your Aunt Myrna’s renowned […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sept 21st, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Kink is relative. (We think Freud said that.) For some, all it takes to spice things up is doing it before “Top Chef” instead of after. Others find themselves struggling to break out of the routine of the same old purple leather gimp suit, day in, day out. You may never […]

Horoscopes
Hamlet Horoscopes: Sept 14th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) “To the noble mind / Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.” (III, i) taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) “This is the very ecstasy of love.” (II, i) gemini (May 21st-June 21st) “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt up in your philosophy.” (I, v) […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sept 8th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You hear that ringing in your head? Really, you do? ‘Cause we were just kidding about a literal noise–you might want to get that checked out. But the metaphorical ringing you hear is your destiny calling. Your one-and-only (at least, your one-and-only for this month) is in the vicinity, but they […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: Back-to-School Edition

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Your hormones are raging, you feel like you’re the last virgin on earth, and you just want someone to listen to Depeche Mode cassettes, write bad poetry and fall in love with. So you muster the courage to go to the kegger in the woods and try to fit in without […]

Horoscopes
Your Weekly Horoscopes: Random-Old-TNT-Movies Edition

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Mystic Pizza: While Runaway Bride is clearly a classic, we tend to favor the 1988 Mystic Pizza when it comes to Julia Roberts flicks. Big hair, long earrings, one-shouldered dresses, Julia’s butt (pre-personal trainer), Matt Damon’s bit-part — what’s not to love? Julia may have been a waitress in a small-town pizza […]