photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sometimes we think the stars would rather be hosting a daytime talk show or writing self-help books with titles like “Who Moved My Constellation?” To wit, your horoscope reading this week: “Don’t cave into the pressure of someone demanding a romantic decision from you. You need more time.” We’d like to add that you also fear intimacy, commitment, and green-food-dyed beer.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Nobody puts Baby in a corner. This week, a particularly annoying “nobody” will be pursuing you all the way into that corner. If you don’t want to get backed into a corner — i. e. if you want to avoid a sloppy drunken make-out sesh in a corner booth with annoying Traci/Tony from Accounts — then stay home and rent old Patrick Swayze flicks instead. Or if you need company, invite some close friends over (but no friends with benefits) for a night of whiskey and Irish ballad singing

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You will be a tad fickle this week. Boredom will set in if the people around you are not exciting and full of adventure. Focus on group endeavors so that you don’t have to be partnered off with anyone in particular. Like marching with the gay and lesbian group in your local St. Patrick’s Day parade, whether they’re “allowed” to or not. Political activism is the next best thing to nookie.

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The next time you’re in the presence of that special someone, stamp your left foot three times, cluck like a chicken and then turn around and give them a good moon. There’s no way they’ll be able to resist your charming and mysterious ways.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Someone you least expect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. Dig deep and find out all you can about a potential lover before you go any further. Feel free to sleep over (this will give you a chance to snoop in their medicine cabinet), but no hanky panky.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You can’t lose if you get out and mingle with interesting people this week. We’re not saying that you won’t put your foot in your mouth three or four times (if you’re not sure she’s pregnant, don’t ask when the baby is due), and we’re not saying that you’ll go home with a pocketful of phone numbers (one if you’re lucky), and we’re not saying that the DJ will play all the songs you request — especially if you keep requesting “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” at your local bar. However, overall, on the balance, you’ll come out ahead. We think it’s worth taking the chance and stepping outside.

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
People are strange, when you’re a stranger, faces look ugly, when you’re alone. Yeah, we know Jim Morrison died at twenty-seven, wrote god-awful poetry and had a tendency to pull out his penis on stage, but the man had a point: socializing can look strange and ugly from the outside. But some strangers have good candy, and some of them look as good in black leather as the Doors frontman. This week, approach the oddest ball in the room and befriend him/her. At the very least, you’ll get a one-night stand with a beautiful stranger.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Fire needs three elements to keep burning: heat, fuel and oxygen. (We can’t remember if we learned that from science class or The Towering Inferno, but we’re sure it’s true.) Let’s say that fire is a good relationship, and heat is passion, fuel is compatibility and oxygen is the work you put into it. Sometimes, it feels so damn hot that you’re sure there must be a fire somewhere. But then again, maybe it’s just global warming.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Let’s draw a chart. We’re mapping your fun level against the number of nights you hit the town with your friends. Do you see the trajectory? Do you observe how more nights out equals more fun for you? And do you see that “fun recession” in the middle there? That’s what happens when you try to go one-on-one with someone. Hold off on that for a while — your personal economy is not stable enough to bear this burden just yet.

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photo via flickr

In honor of Presidents’ Day, we’re letting the legacies of some of the past leaders of the free world help inform your love life this week. And then after this post, we’re giving each other the rest of the federal holiday off — we hope your own bosses are equally kind, generous, and good-looking. See you back here tomorrow, when we’ll resume our regularly scheduled programming.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Herbert Hoover:If you’re always the prohibitionist in the relationship, you’ll end up about as popular as the 31st president, which is to say, not much.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Abe Lincoln:No, not the vampire hunter, the president. Watch your back this week — someone might come up behind you when you least expect it and break your heart.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
George W. Bush:You may be charming and fun to have a drink with, but you’ve got to be deeper than a kiddie pool and sharper than infant spork if you want to attract a long-term partner.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
James K. Polk: Your manifest destiny approach to dating (the more you expand your romantic reach the better) is very American, just be careful not to spread yourself too thin.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
George Washington: No, that doesn’t mean biting your partner with wooden dentures.  We’re talking about refusing to tell any lies when it comes to your romantic feelings and expectations and activities.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
FDR: You are positioned to make this relationship last, we’re talking a record four terms. Keep up the good work.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Thomas Jefferson: Don’t treat your partner like your love slave, unless it’s part of consensual BDSM roleplaying.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Harry S. Truman: This is not a good week to drop any bombs on your partner.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Warren G. Harding: Cheaters never win, as evidenced by Harding’s common label as “the worst U.S. president ever.” Let that be a lesson to you.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
William Henry Harrison: If you don’t take care of the health of this relationship, it’ll die within a month.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Teddy Roosevelt: You and your loved one need to get off your butts and get outside in the fresh air of the great outdoors, winter be damned. Plan a mini-adventure for a date. Go exploring. A national park, perhaps? You can skip killing big game.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Barack Obama: This week, you will be cool, calm and collected when it comes to romance. Just put on some Al Greene and the rest will fall into place.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Hey big spender, put your wallet away. If it’s your hard-earned dollars winning someone over, are they really worth winning? Even if it’s your easily-come-by trust fund dollars doing the winning? Okay, so let’s just say, hypothetically, that they really are that hot, and you really are that superficial. But how are you going to hold onto your gold-digging hottie if this recession keeps on going? Plan for the future by being generous of heart but stingy of wallet for a while. If you find yourself tempted to spend!-spend!-spend!, then feel free to send us presents.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you’re more fun than a barrel of monkeys, you’ll have no problem attracting attention this week. If you’re not in one of your “fun” moods, well, sucks to be you. Brute force just won’t cut it, sorry — as Bonnie Raitt twanged, you can’t make them love you. Better luck next time.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Love is all around you like flies on poop this week. Just say what’s on your mind, and things will get hotter in the bedroom than a bag of dog crap set on fire and left on some poor soul’s doorstep on Goosey Night.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
To say that you’re not in a committing mood right now is putting it lightly. The devil on your shoulder is yelling “Run away! Run away!” every five minutes. And the angel’s not much help, either; he simply suggests that a brisk walk away might be both safer and more polite. We don’t want to change you (after all, we’re here to love you just the way you are) but then again, we’re not dating you. If you’re going to keep lovin’ em and leavin’ em, at least have the decency to warn potential victims ahead of time so they have a chance to run first.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Someone may try to push you to make a decision regarding a relationship. If you have to think about it, you probably aren’t ready to move that fast. Then again, maybe you just haven’t had your morning coffee yet and are feeling a little sluggish. Perhaps you have a head cold, or are hungover, and just need time to wake up and smell the roses of romance. Still, chances are you’re a selfish, immature bastard who’s afraid to grow up and won’t commit. At least we’ll still love you.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We hate to be the ones to break it to you, but you can’t always be Cinderella. And this week, the shoe doesn’t fit. No matter how many toes you hack off — at least, that’s how it went in the rather gruesome version of the fairy tale we remember, thanks Mom and Dad — this glass slipper relationship is still not going to be right for you. And don’t think you can get away with rationalizing that “it’ll do for now. ” ‘Cause if you insist on shoving your big-ass ugly feet into those glass slippers while you wait for your own prince(ss) charming to come along, when s/he finally does, you’ll have so many blisters that you’ll be unfit for any kind of shoe. Even those super comfy “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker” kind.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
So maybe there’s no Santa Claus, and perhaps the tooth fairy turned out to be pretty damned useless once you’d got all your grown-up teeth. But yes, Virginia, there is a Cupid, and this week, he’s in your corner. So make like Rocky and own the ring; with any luck, by sundown Friday you’ll be yelling “Adrian! Adrian!” in the throes of passion. Actually, come to think of it, best not to say “Adrian” unless you’re actually sleeping with one. Using your luvver’s own name adds a nice personal touch.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you feel like someone’s backing you into a corner, then dump them. Of course, you, could feel backed into a corner on the open, sprawling moors of England. Make sure you’re not blowing any pressure out of proportion. Is it really so big a deal for them to leave a toothbrush at your house if they’re ending up in your bed, at your invitation, every night? The matching track suits, however, is grounds to lose their number forever.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It’s time to get in touch with your inner, black-clad, shit-kicker-boots-wearing, whip-wielding, six-foot-two dominatrix. Her name is Cassandria. Channel her energy this week and you should get whatever and whomever you want. You might even find someone to kiss your feet and clean your bathroom. Domination has its privileges.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re a player, Cap. But this week, prepare to get played. Wear your helmet and brace for heartache.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Tongue tied, short of breath, don’t even try, try a little harder. Something’s wrong, you’re not naive, you must must be strong. Ooh, baby, try, move a little closer. You’re too shy shy . . . It’s like Kajagoogoo wrote that song just for you this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be the ball this week and play hard to get. Don’t let anybody scoop you up and slam dunk you, at least not yet. Make them chase after you, break a sweat. Make them work for your balls. We mean, your ball.

photo via Flickr

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)

This week your love life is like a box of chocolates. All you have to do is pick one. Just be sure to avoid the ones filled with orange creams — they always suck.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
During a week when it seems like half the population is determined to give the last of their hard-earned pennies to Hallmark and the other half is ready to firebomb the Hallmark headquarters, the sexy few who just think of V-Day as a good excuse to get laid are the heroes. And you, Taurus, you’re our hero. You’re the wind beneath our wings. And for that, the booty gods will look kindly on you this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Act like a bimbo/himbo this week. That means no heated debates about the U. N. Security Council, no pontificating about Picasso’s Blue Period, no deep philosophizing about existential angst and who would win a naked mud-wrestling match, Camus or Sartre. Dumb it down, lest your attempts at sounding impressive just come across as depressive. Think light, airy and breezy — kind of like a Summer’s Eve commercial. Don’t ask any tough, probing questions either; just the simple ones written on those heart-shaped, pastel candies: “Will you be my Valentine?” and “Wanna fuck?”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be in the mood for love. Hmm, wonder why? Could it be because everyone in the universe is making sickeningly sweet Valentine’s Day plans but you? Maybe it’s because doing it with your left hand is not as authentic-feeling as everyone says. Maybe you’re just bored. . . or depressed. Whatever it is, get a little closer to someone you recently met and find out how they feel about you. This might not solve your love problem, but it’ll at least be a nice distraction.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, you’ll be more commitment-shy than the seventeen-year-old captain of the football team who’s just crashed cheerleader camp. Especially if any romantic interests in your life give you some kind of “by V-Day” ultimatum. Especially if they start to act like the stupid date means something. (Hey, we’re just channeling you Leos here; we happen to think it means a lot of things.) Especially if they think that the arrival of February 14th automatically signifies a step forward in the relationship. And especially if they have red hair. (Hey, don’t shoot the medium. What can we say, this is a weird and mystical science.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Someone from your past is likely to try to come back into your life and exploit the sentimental romance of Valentine’s Day. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, shut up for a second and let someone else put their foot in their mouth (or, if you’re kinky like that, their foot in your mouth). You may feel like you’ve got all the right moves, but those moves will look a tad fuh-reaky to a certain someone. So cancel the singing telegram for 2/14, forget about scattering rose petals along the entire thirty blocks your sweetie walks to work — forget anything that screams “I really really need to get laid. Note to underachievers: This does not in any way give you license not to celebrate the holiday with a loved one. It just means you should be a little understated about it. Think a hand-made card instead of a glittery, musical one; think a nice long oral sesh instead of the strap-on.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The ball is in your court, so it’s your turn to make the next move. Whether that means playing with yourself or playing with someone’s scrotal sac this Valentine’s Day, we couldn’t tell you. But if it were up to us, we’d say go for the Balzac!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your week will get progressively better when it comes to love and romance. Duh, because Valentine’s Day is coming. Don’t do nothing. If there is someone who interests you, send them a homemade Valentine’s card.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Someone will confront you in a dark alley this week. They’ll speak to you in hushed tones, back you into a corner, and open one side of their jacket to reveal their heart. It’ll be big and red, maybe made of cardboard with a lace trim. They’ll offer it to you free of charge, no questions asked, just to try to get you hooked. When you hesitate, they’ll try to intimidate you: “All the cool kids are celebrating Valentine’s Day. What are you, a frozen chicken?” If you know you can’t handle it, don’t give into the pressure. Just say no.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Three things can ruin Valentine’s Day: musical greeting cards, forgetting to make a dinner reservation and jealousy.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We know it’s Valentine’s Day and all, but that’s no excuse for rushing things that aren’t ready to be rushed, and it’s no excuse for coming on all hot and heavy. Commitment-phobes don’t become marriage-ready at the stroke of midnight on February 13th — and if they do, chances are they’ll turn back into a big fat non-committal pumpkin at the stroke of midnight on the fourteenth.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
No couch potato-ing it this week. Get off your bum and shake that ass. Think about sex globally, act locally. The more situations you put yourself in where you could accidentally bump into someone now, the more likely you are to bump uglies later.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Discretion is the better part of valor. We never quite understood the meaning of that old adage, but we’re guessing it has something to do with keeping your mouth shut. The gentlemen or lady understands that there are sometimes occasions when omission of the cold, harsh truth is apropos. (Such as, “Wow, that story you just told me about how you’re insecure about your oral sex abilities reminds me of this amazing head I once received from a hot eighteen year old who had never done it before!”) Don’t think of it as “lying”; think of it as “listening.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you want to play games this week, stick to Scrabble and Clue. Mind games won’t get you laid — honesty and persistence will. And maybe Twister.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Your romantic interests this week are like a box of chocolate-covered donuts. They’re so tempting, so decadent, so sinful, so scrumptious. Their sweet smell lures you in. You touch them ever so gently — oooh, so soft. Bring them to your lips — they practically melt in your mouth. But after eating them up, you feel guilty, dirty, unclean even. They sit in a heavy, rotting lump in the pit of your stomach. So go easy on the donuts this week, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and limit your intake to one every few days. Dunkin Donuts coffee is, however, acceptable (screw Starbucks, that DD stuff is good, man).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Everyone wants to be on your team this week. And even better than that, they all love you for you, just the way you are. Well, at the very least they all want to get into your pants rather than your pocketbook. Which is always nice, right? Don’t worry about your reputation if you feel like engaging in a little groupie sex — the ones you do pick will be so blissed out, they won’t even remember their own name, and the ones you don’t pick will be too busy mending their broken hearts to call you “slut. ” But what the heck, we’ll say it: Slut! And that’s a compliment where we come from.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your timing’s all off. Or maybe it’s the person you’re kind of sweet on whose schedule is all out of whack. Well, someone’s got the timing of a joke told by Bob Saget on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Just be patient and understanding when the forces that be keep you two from making America’s dirtiest home videos this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll fuck you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman from the Chicago Bears in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Did you know that sometimes the two of us test out new vibrators on each other when we don’t have our guys around to product-test with? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that’s how we get all our horoscope information? . . . Don’t be such a sucker, especially this week, because someone you like is going to try to make an ass out of you. Why do you even like them? They sound like a jerk.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Attend a charity event, volunteer in your community, go to a political rally, tell a stranger they’ve got TP stuck to their shoe — do anything you consider socially valuable. You’re supposed to fall in love with someone while you save the world. If you don’t get love, at least you’ll have given some. And you can pretend that’s all that really matters.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You can’t hide this feeling anymore. You’ve forgotten what you started fighting for. All you know is, spring is here and you want to get l-a-i-d. Don’t hide your burning flames of lust under a jar (how does that metaphor go again?) — your uncorkable horniness will be exactly what attracts the hotties this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be a stealth bomber in your pursuit of love: Don’t just ask them straight out and give them a chance to say no. Instead, focus on becoming their friend so they don’t even realize they’re falling for you until it’s too late. And hey, if our cunning plan doesn’t work, at least we saved you from the sting of rejection.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Aren’t you Mr(s) Popular? Everyone will want to spend time with you this week. What, did you win the lottery or finally get that penis implant/boob jobbie? No, no, of course, it’s your loving nature that draws the crowds. So spread the love. Just wear rubber gloves.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Not only are we astrologers, we’re also psychics. We can prove it: We can guess what your middle name is. Check it out…it’s coming through a little hazy…no, we are definitely getting a name…yep, yep…it’s Scatterbrains! Whether it’s on your birth certificate or not, that’s your middle name this week. So don’t make any sudden moves or important decisions (like officially changing your middle name to something queer like “Scatterbrains”).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
There’s a fine line between attracting attention and banging a big spoon on a metal pot. Faking your own suicide, for example, would probably fall in the latter category. So would pretending your dog died…or that you suddenly need Viagra.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, if love is a dance, then you need to stop being a wallflower. Which is just about the cheesiest goddamn thing we’ve ever said. A dance? That sounds like something our grandmothers would say. Or worse, a Hallmark greeting card. But, whatever — when the stars tell you to dance, we guess you just gotta make like Kevin Bacon and cut loose.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We know that sometimes it feels like your sex drive is, well, driving, and you’re just riding shotgun. But that’s no excuse for not offering up helpful navigation suggestions every now and then. For example, “No, not that one, s/he’s got a mullet!” Or, “Noooooo! Not the ex!” Or, “Let’s go home and masturbate!”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: Your gnat impersonations. When you like someone and/or are trying to get them to do something (namely, you), you have a tendency to buzz around them in an erratic fashion. Your intentions are good, but it’s still totally annoying. Here’s your solution: Stop buzzing. Do something constructive instead, like an arts and crafts project. Art is sexy.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Admit it: You’re no Cyrano on your best days (and you’re certainly no Scorpio), and this will not be a week of best days. But that doesn’t mean you have to plagiarize (or hire a Scorpio) in order to get laid. Besides, your Scorpio friends will all be too busy getting laid themselves to help out. Instead, work with what you’ve got: The heart of a Good Samaritan and more creative ideas than Martha Stewart after five years in the slammer. Do something nice for your intended, and then sit back and wait for the booty to come your way. Oh, it will alright, you can be sure of that: We have a special place in our loins for you Libras. (And no, we don’t say that to all the star signs.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Talk is cheap. It’s also a fabulous way to get into someone’s pants. Which should make your week, considering that you’re currently blessed with a honey tongue, totally broke, and in more dire need of a good shag than anyone we’ve seen in a long time.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We don’t know if you’re usually the touchy-feely type (oh, who are we kidding; you’re a Sag and we know everything), but this week, you’re going to be handing out hugs and kisses like you’re sponsored by Hershey’s. Hey man, it’s all good. Feel the love. Just don’t feel it with anyone who’s got active oral herpes.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)

It’s time for your medicine. We know you hate those super-serious, state-of-the-relationship Talks, but there’s only so long you can put it off for. Trust us, you’ll feel much better once you know for sure where you stand (assuming you’re not totally off in your educated guess as to the state of the relationship, in which case, it serves you right for waiting for so long and we hope you’ve learned your lesson for next time). And who knows? Maybe you’ll even be rewarded with a lil’ “sugar” to help the medicine go down.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re softer than Charmin, which is mostly really endearing, but sometimes leads people to act like it’s okay to use you to wipe their ass. We know you find it hard to say no, but if you keep up this Mr./Ms. Congeniality act, you’ll be knees-deep in a committed relationship before you can say “Can you spare a square?”

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Advantage, Pisces. You’ve got game this week, and if you choose to play, you’ll be scoring more often than, er — oh fuck it, we don’t watch any sports. It’ll be love-love everywhere you look, slam-dunks from here to the bedroom, and if we make one more sports analogy, we’re going to have to run off to Circuit City and buy a big-screen TV to go with our Lay-Z-Boy. Anyway, you get the picture. And we’ll take the picture-in-picture flat-screen Panasonic, please.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t let your genitals do the decision making this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
How do you expect your partner know where you stand when you keep moving around the chessboard of love without following any of the rules? Don’t rush, take turns making moves, and don’t jump anyone you’re not supposed to. Otherwise, you’ll end up playing with yourself.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Okay, this week’s horoscope comes in the form of a pop quiz. Question one: Did you spend last Friday night sitting at home for a Meg Ryan movie marathon, wondering how many more sleepless nights in Seattle you’ll have to spend before meeting your Harry? Question two: Has anyone ever used the phrase “serial monogamist” to describe your dating habits? Question three: Would going to a movie alone make you feel like a big fat dork? Question four: Was college the last time you made a booty call? If you answered “yes” to at least two of these questions, then you might want to seriously consider your motivations before entering a new relationship. Are you sure you’re really into him/her and not just a little, uh, desperate?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Let’s get touchy-feely, shall we? Even though it’s cliche, the earnest sex gurus are right: We must openly communicate our needs and desires to our partners without shame, and without hysterically cracking up or running to the bathroom to hide. So what if it’s out of character for you; that strong and silent routine is only sexy for so long. Open up, share with group, and those fantasies in your head might come true. And yes, we’d like some wine with that cheese.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Call us crazy, but we see a high correlation between givers in the community and givers in bed. Think about it: Is that guy who plays bingo with the old folks for three hours every Saturday afternoon really going to withold oral attention because it’s too one-sides? And is the gal who gives up her Friday nights to serve in a soup kitchen likely to be someone who doesn’t believe in reciprocity? So what we’re saying is, think globally, act locally, and reap the benefits later. Aw yeah.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But it’s better to have never loved at all than to lie and say “I love you” when you surely don’t mean it. There are better ways to get them off your back. Like, say . . . oh, we don’t know . . . breaking up with them. Too harsh? Okay, okay, you don’t have to be in love with someone to date them — duh — but you can’t fake them out either. That’s just wrong, like, leggings-for-men wrong.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We hate to break it to you, but there are people out there who will find your exhaustive bedroom banter and playful manner just plain exhausting. Pick partners who’ll appreciate it when you spontaneously break into dirty Ovid verse or bring out the ping pong paddle. Surround yourself with people who can keep up and can keep it up.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This week, it’s all about the subtle signal. As in, you giving a subtle signal that will let someone know you’re interested. Anything stronger than “subtle” and you risk scaring them off. Of course, we can’t tell you what the signal is — that’s for you to figure out. And if we did know a universally accepted “subtle signal” then we’d be too busy writing a bestselling book about it and putting all the other advice columnists out of business to give you your horoscope, anyway. So give thanks for small favors.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
What you really need is a partner with substance. So think genitally and act locally: Get involved in community projects, play bingo with the old folks, paint a mural for your local elementary school (just be sure to ask permission first). And we recommend not telling that fellow good samaritan you end up bedding the real reason why you volunteered until at least six months into the relationship.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Lose the wig, the make-up, the bra inserts, the cucumber in your pants: This week, it’s all about being yourself.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Tooting your own horn this week will help attract that special person. And no, that doesn’t mean asking them to pull your finger during a romantic dinner.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t you hate it when terribly clever people say terribly unexpected things like “Your biggest sexual organ is. . . your brain”? Then they smile at you coyly, expecting some kind of facial reaction from you to confirm that they have indeed rocked your world. Damn pseudo-intellectual pop-psychologists. We wouldn’t dream of stooping to such pat drivel, but we will say that thinking before you speak could be the difference between playing with someone else’s smaller sexual organ and playing with yours alone.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
A reader wrote in recently complaining that the Aries horoscopes are always lame. Well, we can’t control the stars but we can try to be nicer. Unfortunately, it ain’t gonna happen this week. The stars say you should keep your trap shut and your eyes open and let the honeys come to you — cause you’re gonna be as about as smooth as Robert Redford’s complexion this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Here’s a shout out to all Tauruses from the stars this week: “Live to love.” Damn, we just wanna emblazon that slogan on a baby-tee and go rollerskating in the park! If you’re not groovin’ on the meaning quite as much as we are, here’s some more specific advice: Don’t run yourself ragged meeting up with booooring acquaintances at blah-blah cocktail parties where everyone sits around discussing the relative merits of Tanqueray vs. Bombay Sapphire. Instead, rest up, get your beauty sleep, and spend your free nights prepping for dates.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We’ve got three words for you this week: quality alone time.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Make your move — you won’t be sorry. (And if you are sorry, don’t come crying to us; we’ve got very good lawyers and we haven’t lost a case yet.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
During a book reading a few years ago, fiction author Amy Bloom said she always tries to resist writing as if she were on a first date: telling her standard little anecdotes with wit, preciousness, and embellishment in order to make herself seem more attractive and loveable to her listener. You should avoid such precious behavior on actual first dates.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Nerds are hot. Not nerds like in Revenge of the Nerds, of course. But true nerds: The ones who get caught up in a great book and choose to forgo the night out at the bar just to finish it; the ones who take continuing education classes just to keep learning; the ones who occasionally quote from Bartlett’s; the ones who are so smart they can come up with the most clever wise-ass comebacks on command (though they’re too timid to actually speak them out loud); the ones who watch Jeopardy. Be prepared to meet a nerd this week who will massage your brain in places you’ve never had stimulated before, aw yeah.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
There’s a reason why they call it “spoiled for choice”: Too many hotties to choose from and you start to get all picky about ankle size, hair length, where they went to school, and what their favorite Burger King meal special is. While you’ve got such a selection to work with, you might want to consider factoring IQ into the equation, too. Just a thought.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
What are you thinking? Riding your bike down that rocky road called Memory Lane right now will only give you a sore ass. So don’t get all hot and bothered about something you can’t do anything about. Cool down, have some iced tea.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Be careful: You’re likely to feel a little under the weather this week. Which means a lowered immune system. Stay away from lovers who may have something contagious. And we’re not just talking colds here. Did you know that HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection in the United States, with an estimated seventy-five percent of sexually active people exposed to an HPV infection at some point in their lives, whether they know it or not? Instead of hooking up this week, why not you give yourself a little sex-ed refresher course.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you are fun-loving and playful you will have your pick; if you are controlling you will lose out. We don’t see why everyone has such a problem with control freaks. Where do they think they’d be without the control freaks? Just once we’d like to see all the control freaks sit on their asses for a week, so that all the lazy bums — oh, excuse us, all the fun-loving playful types — could see how little gets done. Nothing fun would be organized. No one would know where to meet. No one would be able to figure out how to split the tab. It would be anarchy, people, pure anarchy!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
There’s only so long that you can screen your calls/be out to lunch/be infected with a mysterious genital inflammation/be home washing your hair/be abducted by aliens on your lunch break. It’s time to face the music, dude.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Anyone who judges you by the size of your wallet (or any other body part) doesn’t deserve the great oral sex you give.