photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You will meet people in the strangest places and through the most unlikely situations. So don’t be startled if you fall in love at first sight at the DMV, you feel that spark at the dump, or you get that little tingle in your pants at the funeral home. No matter how inappropriate it may seem, make sure you get the digits.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No pressure, but if you’re wishy-washy and indecisive for much longer, you’re going to be stuck with a brand new decision: Die alone, or die surrounded by your seven devoted cats. So strap one on and pick someone already.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Someone who is already attached may try to fool you. Watch out for hotties who only ever call you from the office, who never answer their phone when you’re in the room, who get fidgety and nervous in wide open public spaces, or those who wear capes.

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photo by SimplySchmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You don’t need any advice this week, you’ve got romance in the bag. So how about a cooking tip instead? Next time you make mashed potatoes, throw in a little nutmeg along with the butter and milk. (Just not too much nutmeg — turns out it’s a natural laxative, as Em learned the hard way one time she cooked dinner for friends.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Here’s a crazy idea: Pursue someone who seems nice. You’re familiar with the type? They hold open doors for others, give to charity regularly, carry heavy grocery bags for little old ladies, warn complete strangers about the piece of TP stuck to their shoe, always remember their mom’s birthday, never cheat on their partner. You know, the little things.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Unfortunately, Gemini, we couldn’t make heads or tails of your message from the stars this week. It just didn’t make any sense. So how about some handy advice instead? Think of this as a mission, should you choose to accept it: Go to a sex shop and splurge on an item you’ve always wondered about but haven’t had the nerve buy. Then use it before you come back next week for your next horoscope. Now that makes sense.

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photo by SimplySchmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Beware of gold diggers. Especially while attending talks. (Don’t look at us — we don’t make this stuff up.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know how some people find your point of view unconventional and unexpected — what we like to call weird and abnormal? Well, you’ve got a kindred spirit out there, and you’re likely to bump into them this week. They’ll find your flair for telling stories about mutant alien baby monkeys charming, and you’ll fall for their unhealthy love of burlap. So don’t tone down the eccentricities this week like you normally do for your friends’ sakes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We . . . would . . . like . . . to . . . teach . . . you . . . a . . . lesson . . . in . . . patience. Do you always skim the last few pages of a novel to get to the end? Do you get ants in your pants during commercial breaks? Is the suspense of waiting for the next season of “Homeland” killing you? Well, these small trials were put here on this Earth to make you a better person. And this week, the trial will take the form of . . . booty! Sucks to be you, but if you can bide your time for, oh, six days, we have a feeling you won’t be getting much rest on the seventh, heh, heh. (Don’t you love it when we make cheesy Biblical jokes like your dirty old Baptist uncle?)

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photo by stevefaeembra

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Act like a bimbo/himbo this week. That means no heated debates about the economic crisis, no pontificating about Picasso’s Blue Period, no deep philosophizing about existential angst and who would win a naked mud-wrestling match, Camus or Sartre. Dumb it down, lest your attempts at sounding impressive just come across as depressive. Think light, airy and breezy — kind of like an old Summer’s Eve commercial. Don’t ask any tough, probing questions either; just the simple ones written on those heart-shaped, pastel candies: “Will you be my Valentine?” and “Wanna get laid?”

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If relationships are like Hallmark greeting cards, then your latest fling is a tricked-out, ten-dollar, love-ditty playing, oversized monstrosity of a thing. And inside it’s completely blank.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your week will get progressively better when it comes to love and romance. Duh, because Valentine’s Day is coming. Don’t do nothing. If there is someone who interests you, send them a homemade Valentine’s card.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by SimplySchmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are whipped! Never a good thing. When you’re whipped you lose your spine and develop a drooling problem. Your friends become ashamed of your sycophancy or just annoyed by your constant talk about how cute your lover’s toots are. But worst of all, you put the object of affection up on a pedestal, where they are primed to jump off with both feet, land on your back, and walk all over you. As much as you’d like stick around and admire your beloved like a Rodin sculpture, walk away, at least for a little bit, before they crush you like a piece of granite falling on an ant.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Beauty’s only skin-deep, but there’s no law against primping and preening to give yourself an edge over your competitors in the hottie-hunting arena. First impressions and small talk are what get you to the more meaningful conversations and the wild animal sex. And if you want to give yourself a make-over that really works, then go heavy on the self-confident act, too. Remember, you’re only as confident as they think you are, and there’s nothing wrong with acting more confident than you feel. It’ll do wonders for your success rate. Note to overachievers: We said confident, not cocky. There’s an ocean of sleazy pick-up lines between the two.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Tongue tied, short of breath, don’t even try, try a little harder. Something’s wrong, you’re not naive, you must must be strong. Ooh, baby, try, move a little closer. You’re too shy shy . . . It’s like Kajagoogoo wrote that song just for you this week.

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photo by SimplySchmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Ignore what we tell all the Capricorns in the house below: You Aries are simply not ready for the jump of your life. We recommend chilling in the cockpit and enjoying the complimentary bevvies while you change your mind another couple hundred times or so. This time, you might decide that you’d actually rather land while inside the plane. And that’s cool, man. (So we lied. We can take this extended metaphor and run it into the ground if we feel like it.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Do it! What are you waiting for?! Act now! Don’t hesitate! Hurry, hurry! It’s do or die! Jump in with both feet! The early bird gets the worm! Why are we shouting?!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Did you know that sometimes the two of us sit around in lingerie trying to write on our laptops and end up in tickle pillow fights? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that’s how we get all our horoscope information? . . . Don’t be such a sucker, especially this week, because someone you like is going to try to make an ass out of you. Why do you even like them? They sound like a jerk.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by SimplySchmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average Sesame Street viewer. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious — instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit…uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, let the hotties come to you. Which doesn’t mean slobbing at home in your rattiest undies while lip-syncing power ballads in front of the mirror. No, you’ve got to cleverly place yourself where the hotties will practically trip over you. It only looks like a passive, chilled out act. It’s actually a full-blown hunt for a D.B.F. (Date By Friday).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re not asking that much, really. Just someone special to share life goals, scary dreams, and a tub of ice cream. That’s not too much to hope for, is it? If you only had a soul mate, then every little thing would be alright. All your troubles would just melt away. Well, there’s a support group for that, and you know where they meet? Out. At bars/gyms/community events. So get out and mingle like your life (or at least your sex life) depends on it. Because it does.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by SimplySchmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Call us crazy, but we see a high correlation between givers in the community and givers in bed. Think about it: Is that guy who plays bingo with the old folks for three hours every Saturday afternoon really going to mind dining downtown for twenty-five minutes on a Saturday night? And is the gal who gives up her Friday nights to serve in a soup kitchen likely to be someone who doesn’t believe in reciprocity? So what we’re saying is, think globally, act locally, and reap the benefits latah. Aw yeah.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
That hottie you’re so enamored with? Turns out they don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, if you know what we’re saying. And we always mean what we say.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Love is all around you like flies on poop this week. Just say what’s on your mind, and things will get hotter in the bedroom than a bag of dog crap set on fire and left on some poor soul’s doorstep on Goosey Night.

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
What you really need is a partner with substance. So think genitally and act locally: Get involved in community projects, play bingo with the old folks, paint a mural for your local after-school project school (just be sure to ask permission first). And we recommend not telling that fellow good samaritan you end up bedding the real reason why you volunteered until at least six months into the relationship.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Did you ever play Frogger on Atari when you were a wee thing? On one of the levels, you had to jump from moving lily pad to moving lily pad as quickly as possible without biting it big-time before you reached the next level. This week, you’re the frog, and every lily pad is a person you’ll meet. The only difference is . . . okay, one of the many differences is that should you land on a comfy lily pad you like, take your coat off, stay a while, and use a condom.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It’s the curse of the shy person: People mistake your vibe for cool aloofness. Indifference may appeal to some people, like the ones who never got over being rejected by the “cool crowd” in high school and are constantly trying to rewrite their past. But most people with the basic insecurities will just think you’re not being nice to them because they’ve done something wrong or you don’t like them. Make every effort to come out of that shell and prove to people you’re not a cold-hearted snake, but a warm, outgoing person with just a bit of a librarian streak.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Make like Olivia Newton John and get a little exercise. Spandex optional. The stars aren’t entirely clear why this is a particularly good week for you to work out; we’re guessing it’s cliche new year advice. But hey, rock-hard abs are rock-hard abs.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Woah. Buzz kill. This week, the stars advise you to consider friendship before becoming an item; apparently if you rush to a relationship, that special someone might be disappointed in you. That’s either a dis on your bedside manner, your hygiene habits, or your secret lasagna recipe that your friends always swore they loved. Whatever it is, best not to take the risk: Bide your time before getting nekkid, sharing a toothbrush, or inviting them over for a candlelit dinner. And that story you love to tell about the time your toe-hairs got tangled? Can it.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The difference between playing games and playing coy is in the execution: If you can make your partner (or your intended partner) enjoy it, then it’s coy; if they’re just confused (or worse, annoyed), then it’s playing games. So dress up nice and smile real pretty and then make them wait for it… but be sure to keep them entertained in the meantime — tying them up and then stripping for them so they can’t join in is “coy” in our book.

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photo via flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Stop trying to chase away loneliness with casual sex. Remember that cheap wine and karaoke with friends is a better way to repress the suspicion that you’re not all that.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Be open to new experiences and give strangers a chance. Today’s acquaintance wielding an oddly-shaped vegetable may be tomorrow’s partner in exploring a new… well, we’ll let your imagination wander.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Give monogamy a chance.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Talk talk talk. Blah blah blah. Doesn’t anybody have sex anymore? Don’t wait too long to broach the sex issue in a relationship, otherwise you could be consigned to Just-a-Friend status for good.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)

Resolve to never forget that, despite the dodgy suit jackets and bad hair days, the Supremes got it right: You can’t hurry love.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Vow to never forcefully push your way into an elevator, a relationship or a body cavity. Likewise, keep your finger on the “close door” button whenever you’re so inclined.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Spend more quality time with yourself. Resist the urge to turn on the TV. Remember, you’re not that boring.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You can’t always get what you want. And sometimes when you don’t, you have a tendency to punch, kick, scream and bite. Let’s work on some self-control issues this year.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Resolve to ask yourself these questions before having sex this year: 1. Do I really want to have sex? 2. Do I care if I never see them again? 3. Do I know their last name? 4. What was that they just said? 5. Do I have a condom? 6. Would I be just as happy with a game of chess?

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Swear off letting your genitals do the work of your heart.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s time to conquer your fear of all things sensual: start with candles, work up to soft jazz and bubble baths — by the end of the year you could be an expert in erotic massage!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This year, do not shag the married, the recently dumped, the commitment-shy, the strange (both weird and unknown: get to know them first) or the gay (unless you’re gay, in which case, don’t date the straight).

Make all your naughty New Year’s Resolutions come true with 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink, EM & LO’s brand spanking (heh) new book.