Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sept 8th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You hear that ringing in your head? Really, you do? ‘Cause we were just kidding about a literal noise–you might want to get that checked out. But the metaphorical ringing you hear is your destiny calling. Your one-and-only (at least, your one-and-only for this month) is in the vicinity, but they won’t hang around for long. So don’t hit the snooze button. You snooze, you lose. And also, don’t mix your metaphors and don’t use cliches.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Someone you think is completely wrong for you, for whatever reason–bad hair, bad table manners, bad politics, bad breath–is going to keep pushing. Before you write them off completely, give them a second chance and a mint.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Has the romantic lead in your life been missing their cues, dropping their lines? If the answer is yes, it might be time to give the understudy their big break.

RELATED: Why You Should Dump Someone Who’s Perfect for You

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can have anyone you want this week. Walk down the street, look around–anyone! Ride the subway . . . anyone! Browse the online personals . . . anyone! Anyone in the whole, wide world. Except your relatives, anyone you work with, people with incompatible sexual preferences, anyone more than five years older or younger than you, blondes, anyone who makes more than 10K more than you, people more famous than you, and anyone who you haven’t been introduced to by a friend yet. Now go get ’em, tiger.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Author Amy Bloom once said she always tried to resist writing as if she were on a first date: telling her standard little anecdotes with wit, preciousness, and embellishment in order to make herself seem more attractive and loveable to her listener. You should avoid such precious behavior on actual first dates.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
“Communication” is our middle name. Actually, no, it’s not — that’d be kind of assinine (misspelling intended). But we do think it’s very important. If there’s something on your mind that you’ve been debating sharing with your honey, then now’s the time to spill the beans. And if not, then maybe it’s just time to share one of your deepest, darkest childhood secrets. Like that assinine middle name that your parents saddled you with that you’ve been trying to shed since birth.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Choose now or be left without any choice later . . . Oh come on, you know what we’re talking about; don’t make us spell it out.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Secret affairs usually end in tears. Secret affairs at the office are three times as likely to end in tears. However, most opportunities for secret affairs usually present themselves in the workplace. So what are you gonna do? Hey, there’s always honesty and fidelity. Call us old-fashioned, but we happen to think monogamy is underrated.

RELATED: What’s So Wrong with Cheating on My Husband?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The Prince(ss) Charming act may have fooled everyone else, but you can’t fool us. We know you’ve been tempted to abuse your power, especially romantically. Use your power for good, or else end up like a wicked stepsister (or brother).

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Being in a relationship is kind of like driving cross-country — if you’re not with someone you really like, you’re better off traveling solo with a bunch of good playlists for company. Practice discrimination, patience, and rampant self-pleasure until you meet someone truly worthy of riding shotgun.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Lo’s high school “sex” ed teacher was quite a meanie with no sense of humor and an iron fist. Her face was screwed up tight in a way that suggested years of sexual frustration. Not surprisingly, no sage sex advice was ever offered. However, she did say one good thing about relationships: “You shouldn’t marry someone for their potential.” That’s the only kernel of goodness that ever came out of that lady (though what it has to do with sexual education, we’ll never know). If she were here today, she’d say the same thing about you and dating.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Let’s say you read Fast Food Nation and it changed your consumption habits for life. But let’s say someone you’re interested in is addicted to McDonald’s fries. Yes, you know the evil reason why they’re addicted to said fries because you’ve read Fast Food Nation, but this certain someone just doesn’t want to hear it. Now, even if your intentions are good, if you knock the french fries out of their hand you may only succeed in ruining a relationship and being the direct cause of even more evil french fries being bought.

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