Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder but procrastination just pisses it off.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Do not dip your pen in the company inkwell. You’ll only ruin your nice ball point.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Blow not against the hurricane, but gently against nearby earlobes.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Ambivalence is God’s way of telling you to keep it in your pants.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
On the sidelines they eat oranges and cheer the players; on the field they score.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
He who never shuts his mouth, eats flies. And he who eats flies has bad breath.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The question of life is “Why?” The answer is “Why not?” You will get it right on the quiz this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It is better to wear out than rust out. . . in bed.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Someone will invite you to a karaoke party. You should go.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
A hot bod clouds one’s vision; dirty-dog sex with a hot bod clouds one’s brain; and unprotected dirty-dog sex with a hot bod clouds one’s genital tract.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Love is like oral sex — just because you give it doesn’t always mean you’ll get it in return.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The first and last love is self-love.