Your Weekly Horoscopes: Random-Old-TNT-Movies Edition

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Mystic Pizza: While Runaway Bride is clearly a classic, we tend to favor the 1988 Mystic Pizza when it comes to Julia Roberts flicks. Big hair, long earrings, one-shouldered dresses, Julia’s butt (pre-personal trainer), Matt Damon’s bit-part — what’s not to love? Julia may have been a waitress in a small-town pizza parlor (and a bad waitress, at that), but when Mr. Rich Guy shows up to woo her, she’s not easily won. Don’t sell yourself short, either — you may feel desperate inside, but don’t let that prevent you from demanding the best. And in ten years, you too could be making twenty million a picture.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Autumn in New York: So, Richard Gere is like a hundred years old, and he spies Winona Ryder, who’s still in her twenties and giggles like a three-year-old. But neither the age gap nor a bad script nor a lack of on-screen chemistry will stop him from pursuing her. (After Runaway Bride, what did he have to lose, really?) So it turns out that Winona dies an excruciating two hours of screentime later — woah! spoiler alert! — but thank god Richard Gere got to have sex with her first. Make like an aging Buddhist movie star this week and take the plunge with someone.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Kalifornia: When asked if her psychotic boyfriend Brad Pitt hits her, Juliette Lewis responds in a perfect Southern white trash drawl, “Only when I deserve it. ” Similarly, being in love might be preventing you from seeing your honey’s faults clearly: like the fact that they leave the cap off the toothpaste, or randomly smash strangers’ heads in.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Dances with Wolves: If you want your needs satisfied this week, you’ll have to take matters into your own hands. Kind of like how we imagine Kevin Costner must have done, out there in the middle of the prairie, when any kind of booty call would have been seriously long-distance.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Meet the Parents / Meet the FockersThere is such a thing as trying too hard in making comedies. Not to mention in relationships.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The Tao of Steve: Donal Logue (an overweight pothead who mostly just plays frisbee and shouldn’t get laid nearly as often as he does) explains his three-part plan for snaring the ladeez: 1) Eliminate desire; you cannot score if you want to score. 2) Demonstrate excellence in her presence. 3) Retreat; women will chase what they cannot have. Yeah, it’s pretty much “Men Are from Mars…” for dudes. And though we’ll probably go to hell for saying this, sometimes it works (for either sex). Like this week, for example.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
To Gillian, on Her 37th Birthday: Labor Day weekend on Nantucket Island marks a family reunion for David Lewis (Peter Gallagher) and his teenage daughter Rachel (Claire Danes) along with his sister-in-law Esther (Kathy Baker) and brother-in-law Paul (Bruce Altman). It also marks the anniversary of David’s wife Gillian (Michelle Pfeiffer), who died in a boating accident on her birthday two years ago. To David, it could have been yesterday. Hoping to help David overcome his grief, Paul and Esther bring an attractive single woman (Wendy Crewson) with them to the island. But he’s not over Gillian. In fact, David is completely in love with her. It’s as though the strength of his devotion just might bring her back. As the family celebrates the weekend with the traditional karaoke singing and a sand castle competition, relationships are re-examined and truths are revealed. When David discovers that his obsession with his late wife has damaged his precious relationship with Rachel, he realizes he must do everything in his power to regain his daughter’s love — even if it means letting go of Gillian . . . Whoever is the “Gillian” in your life, Virgo, it’s time to let them go. Let them go.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
When Harry Met Sally“You’re the worst kind of high-maintenance,” Harry tells Sally. “You think you’re low-maintenance, but you’re actually high-maintenance.” This week, make them think that you’re low-maintenance, no matter how needy you’re feeling inside, or how much you want that dressing “on the side. ” You’ll be surprised how liberating it can be.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
St. Elmo’s FireYou’ll be in an affectionate mood this week, so don’t waste it. Get in touch with someone who interests you and make a date. It’s time you took control of your love life. Kind of like Demi Moore in St. Elmo’s Fire when she does all that cocaine with the sheiks in the fancy hotel and Judd Nelson comes to take her home and she says, “What, and waste all this good coke?” Except, in your case, you’re just high on life.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Fatal Attraction/The entire Poison Ivy franchise/The In Crowd/The Boy Next Door/Etc: Evil hottie ingratiates her way into a single person’s life/a family/a circle of friends, illicit sex is had, someone gets hurt or murdered, the bad gal gets hers in the end, lessons are learned. The hamartia of those who get boffed or offed is their uncritical eye, their willingness to fall quickly for the antogonist’s superficial charms, their gullibility. This week, don’t be a sucker and you’ll avoid living your own version of a bad B-movie.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: To quote arguably the best movie to come out of the ’80s: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. ” It’s like John Hughes was looking into a crystal ball and saw your love life in late summer of 2015 when he wrote that line.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Secretary (yeah, the spanking one): James Spader frees Maggie Gyllenhaal from her addiction to self-mutilation by giving her very strict, very specific instructions on everything she does, from how to dress to how many peas she’s allowed to eat at dinner time. We would like to free you from your incessant need to please, from your habit of molding and shaping yourself to fit others’ expectations of you. So here are our instructions for your week: Say the first thing that comes into your head; don’t edit yourself. Wear your favorite hat, even if everyone says it’s ugly. Don’t try to disguise your funny walk. Eat more peas.

Nostalgic for oldie-but-goodie movies now? Check it out:
The Top 10 Summer Lovin’ Movies