Your Weekly Horoscopes: Back-to-School Edition

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your hormones are raging, you feel like you’re the last virgin on earth, and you just want someone to listen to Depeche Mode cassettes, write bad poetry and fall in love with. So you muster the courage to go to the kegger in the woods and try to fit in without embarrassing yourself. The ugly wise-ass from English class who everyone’s friends with (just because it’s not worth it to be an enemy and suffer their wrath) starts encouraging you to do keg stands. You know it’s not a good idea but you crumble under the peer pressure. Next thing you know you’re making out with this asshole in front of the whole party right before you throw up on the front of your shirt. You spend the rest of the year slowly dying of embarrassment. Moral of the story? Stay home and masturbate.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s a sad, sad day when we turn to Katy Perry for inspiration, but hey, the chick has growing pains! “I’m still growing, still stretchin’ / Still breaking in these new shoes / Looking for a way to make a mark of my own / I’m just a spring chick, wet behind the ears / It’s a part of life / So there’s no need to fear / These growing pains that I’m going through.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
No matter what your crush tells you about just being friends with Suzie or Bobby, don’t believe them. We saw them exchange class rings. They’ll say anything to you just to get to third base.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s a little early to ask someone to the prom this week. Hang back a bit. If anything, wait until someone asks you (though it may be a while, this being early fall and all). But perhaps there are fellow eager-beavers out there. Only accept if they say “Do you want to go to the prom with me?” Reject them if they don’t use the definite article “the” before the word “prom. ” Because that’s just wrong, dude.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
So maybe your lab partner is a total dork, but that doesn’t mean that he or she doesn’t have a totally hot sibling or friend. So be nice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re going to spend much of the week in the library, lost in thought. Or maybe you’re just pretending to seem lost in thought to win the heart of super-hottie new kid who’s a bit of a book worm. Pretty sneaky, sis!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Cheat, and you’ll eventually become just another child left behind.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Are you sure you really want to try out for the cheerleading team? Don’t you have higher aspirations than dressing up in skimpy outfits and contorting your body into impossible positions all for the “support” of the all-important players on the field and for the titillation of the hormone-crazed mob? Why not just keep that as major shower-nozzle masturbation material and aim for something a little more deep and meaningful when it comes to real-world sex and love?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t have an affair with your physics teacher or any other inappropriate love interests.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The best part of going back to school is all the shopping for brand new supplies and outfits at all the back-to-school sales. It really made you feel like you were starting with a clean slate: you could reinvent yourself with the right pair of jeans, you could potentially become an A-student with a cool new Trapper-Keeper… Sure, the promises of a better teen life encapsulated in all that shiny new junk were empty, but it made you feel good at the time. Invest in some kind of makeover this week to recapture some of that lost innocence and feel better about your love life, if only temporarily.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Remember how you used to wrap your text books in brown paper grocery bags to protect them from damage (and have something to doodle on in math class)? Well, wrap up your heart this week so it doesn’t get scuffed up, too.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You know that hottie who wrote “Stay cool, see you in the Fall,” in your yearbook last spring? The one whose touching, heartfelt message of best wishes for the summer you memorized, you re-read it so many times? Yeah, well, (s)he’s looking even hotter right now, so make your move before some ditzy, big-tittied cheerleader or some ditzy, man-tittied football player gets there first.