Your Weekly Horoscopes: July 20th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ve got a secret horoscope this week, aries. In order to decode this very important message, you’ve got to crack the code. Hint: take one step back and two steps forward.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule out spending time with someone who interests you intellectually. But this week, we think you’re going to find yourself in the fortunate position of not having to answer the following question: Was it love, or was it the jet plane to Paris for a private eight-course candle-lit dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You know those people who seem oh-so-casual and relaxed about hooking up and hanging out with you, so much so that they’re willing to go along with just about anything without much fuss? Chances are they aren’t casual and relaxed at all, but rather enamored and whipped! When you’re not that interested, it’s easy to underestimate how interested others actually are in you. One person’s meaningless fling is another person’s beginning of a beautiful relationship. Make sure the people in your immediate sexual circle all say “tomato” the same way, lest you have to call the whole thing off.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You don’t have to commit to the first person who comes along. Wait till they’ve all walked by and then pick the hottest one. Did we say hottest? We meant “most compatible, most respectful of your life goals, most likely to join the Peace Corps and most likely to get on well with your parents.”

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Well, if you were looking for an excuse to avoid any decision-making this week, here it is: according to the stars, this is not the time to get your lover to do things your way. Better to play the submissive role. Whether that includes gimp masks and big man-diapers is up to you. Actually, that’s up to your master.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Chill out, dude. You’re scaring us.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, you’ll have to apply a skillful technique in order to get your partner to agree with you. And no, we don’t mean oral sex. Okay, maybe we do.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If, at any point during the next week, you feel compelled to exclaim any of the following, do it — and stick by your word:

It’s time to fish or cut bait, Honey.
Shape up or ship out, Snookums.
If you can’t take the heat, Poopypie, get out of my kitchen.
Either shit or get off the pot (pardon my French, Fuckface).

Note: terms of endearment are optional.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
All talk and no action will lead to confrontation with the one you love. So will all action and no talk. Be sure to practice what you preach and preach what you practice or lose the one you love. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The stars often advise against secret affairs. Are that many people who read horoscopes really engaging in such unethical, deceitful, dishonest behavior? Apparently so, you dirty dogs. This week, Caps are the ones in the high risk category for doing things they normally wouldn’t do, because normally they are good, decent, caring people. But this week? Proceed with caution. And consider yourself warned.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Easy there, Tiger! Woah, Nelly! Hang on, Sloopy. You know how dogs are all cute and funny until they start humping your leg? Take a cold shower, you dirty leg-humper, you.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
See that big juicy burger over there? (It’s veggie for the vegetariains.) Can you smell the french fries? And, mmm, mmm, mmm, those caramelized onions drizzled over it all are almost too much to bear. So anyway, that burger’s for us; you’re eating leftovers. We bet those leftovers would have tasted pretty good if you hadn’t started to fantasize about our burger, huh?