aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You will get laid. Well and often.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Talk to the crotch ’cause the face ain’t listening.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Do not go to the Olive Garden this week.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If your partner won’t dress up like a Catholic School nun and spank your bare bottom with a wooden ruler until it’s pink like a Molly Ringwald prom dress, dump them.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Take a cold shower.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will have the opportunity to sleep with someone way hotter than you but intellectually inferior. No judgements here!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Love is strange. As long as you’re not related to them, it’s cool, man.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you keep schtupping your boss’s spouse you’re gonna get canned like a tuna and have more than your severance pay cut off. (If you’re not currently sleeping with your boss’s wife, then it’s a metaphor, people.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If we can convince you that you’re a hottie — and trust us, you are — chances are you can convince others you’re a hottie too.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Is Bob from accounting’s penis really that big? Is Sharon from Sales’ oral acumen really that impressive? Office romances aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Try to avoid the inevitable pattern that anyone who’s ever fallen in love falls into. Rent Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for inspiration.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
They’re called “standards.” Get some.