Your Weekly Horoscopes: August 17th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Someone you have a crush on is going to poop on you, just like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But don’t let it get you down: there are plenty of dogs in the sea who’ve been potty trained.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, stop talking, start doing. ‘Nuff said.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We have a very special Gemini in our lives who’s been getting spanked by Cupid instead of speared lately. We’re talking a string of rude, jerkface losers, one right after the other. And it’s not as if this Gemini did anything to deserve such luck: She is kind, generous, sweet, and totally balls-out hot. But now she’s sad, and a little less willing to go out and scope the joint, as it were. Well, we’re here to tell her and every other Gemini out there to keep the faith, keep a stiff upper lip, and keep a condom in your pocket. Because you’re gonna get your groove back any day now, just like Stella.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Here’s your problem: You will be inclined to act like Ariana Grande in order to get noticed by someone. Here’s your solution: Act naturally (i. e. no excessively big ponytails or donut-licking allowed).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Do as we say, not as we do. What we’re doing right now is blowing a lot of hot air out our pie holes, overanalyzing everything, overworking, and not getting laid. But we say, keep your trap shut and your moves simple, and things should really start to “happen for you.”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, everything will come easily to you. And somehow, no one will hate you for it. Kind of like George Clooney.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t sit home alone this week. Even more importantly, don’t sit home alone and watch Home Alone this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will meet a perfect candidate for love, but only if you take a class in multi-culturalism.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We once told you not to mix business with pleasure. But did you listen? No. We’ll say it again: Don’t mix business with pleasure, damn it. This means no sex on the boss’s desk for at least a week. And we mean it!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you don’t care to share your feelings then the person you care about is likely to think that you don’t care. Don’t be like Pierre.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Hunt for a mate in his/her natural habitat. If you’re looking for a solid, dependable, upright citizen-type, don’t cruise a dive bar five minutes before closing time. If you’re looking for a kinky, temporarily satisfying, emotionally devoid fling, don’t sign up for your local church’s singles getaway weekend. (Then again . . . ) And if you’re looking for a dullard who’s so ugly even the tide won’t take them out, don’t take any of the advice we’ve ever written.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Lately, you’ve been addicted to love (with all apologies for putting that Robert Palmer song into your head) and we think you should check yourself into relationship rehab for a week. Your need to be in a relationship and your desire to fall in love may trick you into believing you’ve found the one. And don’t try to tell us you could stop anytime . . .