9/14/10
Wise Guys: How Can I Stop Men from Ogling Me?

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “By nature, I’m very curvaceous: big boobs, thin waist, round butt. Aside from wearing a tent, I can’t really hide this fact. So, how do I get men to treat me like a human being and not a sex object?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

terence_100Gay Committed Guy (Terence): Men are going to see what’s in front of them and there’s way no around it that I know of. If they see you dressed in a tent, then they’ll treat you like a woman in a tent. Same goes with wearing a bikini top and tight jeans. I can’t control anyone’s first impression of me and neither can you, but every subsequent moment is entirely up to you. It is up to you to speak, act, and carry yourself as if you mean business. Hold his gaze if you have to, and make it clear you won’t accept his shit, his snide remarks, or his lecherous glances. You may not walk away friends, but you will begin to establish your reputation, command respect, and establish some basic expectations.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): That sound you hear is every single other woman on Earth (except for Christina Hendricks, of course) harrumphing. Guys firmly believe women know what they’re doing when they get dressed in the morning and get really confused when we hear, “Hey Chachi, my eyes are up here.” Supposedly, evolution has programmed us to glance (even gay dudes like big boobs) so you unless you get a reduction or begin wearing the aforementioned tent, you may be stuck. And, unfortunately, mentioning it to these guys will be awkward at a minimum and they could think you’re uptight or worse. Your best bet is to dress conservatively and go to lengths to maintain eye contact while you talk.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Fred): First of all, it’s not really men’s fault. We’re wired to be attracted to your features. We didn’t ask to be. Some men have more control over it than others. And some men are just dickheads about it.

At work, you should call men on this. Don’t let them get away with it. Have some snappy rebuttals ready. “What are you, a 13-year-old boy?” “I don’t think Walter will close the deal, his brain has been replaced with another tiny penis.” “Hey, dum-dum, stop looking at my tits.” Those aren’t very good, but you get the idea.

If you’re looking for a relationship, my only advice is to find the right man. Period. A man who is looking for a relationship will treat you differently from a man who is looking for sex. You won’t be able to stop every man (who has a pulse) from thinking about sex when encountering you, but look for the subtle clues that tell you a man is trying to work through the flood of hormones.

On the street — if you just need to pop out to the store and don’t want any attention at all… wear the tent.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; Terence is an American living in Sydney; Fred is a little shy. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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21 Comments on "Wise Guys: How Can I Stop Men from Ogling Me?"

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John
John
1 year 7 months ago
Guys who ogle often would like to have a nice conversation with a woman, but worry that they’ll have to hold up both ends of it, she’ll get bored, snap at him, etc, etc – so he just settles for a little low risk, high reward ogling instead. The best way to stop this is to start a conversation with him (with good eye contact) and show him that it’s actually nicer for both of you than just his “cleverly concealed” silent sweaty ogling. Slightly complex topics will also force him to focus on the conversation at hand – and… Read more »
Jonathan
Jonathan
2 years 10 months ago

Women – bear in mind that there are SOME guys out there who are definitely not ogling you, and yet you assume that they are. I find that when I’m walking down the sidewalk, if there is an attractive woman approaching, I HAVE to look down. If I simply stare straight ahead, or mind my own business and forget about her, she’ll assume that I’m staring.

I’m usually just listening to music and looking straight down the street, get over yourself!

M. SK
M. SK
3 years 4 months ago
TO ALL THE GUYS WHO HAVE POSTED IN THE MAIN ARTICLE, WOMEN ARE HUMAN BEINGS JUST LIKE YOU.HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN ARE WIRED TO BE ATTRACTED TO MEN BUT THEY DO NOT RESORT TO CHEAP ANTICS LIKE OGLING TO SATISFY THEIR SEXUAL DESIRES (MIND YOU THEY HAVE THEM JUST LIKE MEN, SO THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR MEN OGLING, IT’S DISGUSTING AND DEGRADING, PERIOD.DO INTELLIGENCE AND OTHER ASPECTS OF HUMAN PERSONALITY MEAN SQUAT TO MEN? A WOMAN DOES NOT THINK OF SEX WITH A MAN WHEN SHE IS POPPING OUT TO THE GROCERY STORE OR TAKING A WALK IN THE PARK, SO… Read more »
Katie
Katie
3 years 9 months ago
I know this thread is old, but I’m gonna put in my two cents anyway. Here is the difference between men ogling and women ogling: When a man ogles me, I know that if he really was struck by the idea, he could drag me behind the bushes and rape me. A woman can’t do that to a man. In this society we can’t threaten a man with our bodies. We can’t dominate. When men assert their power by looking at me like they want to rape me, I don’t feel comfortable. Guess what, men? I feel like you’re going… Read more »
Pam
5 years 2 months ago
Yeah. You guys should read a few pages from ihollaback and THEN tell me how it’s just completely natural and fine! I am a highly sexual person, but you know what? I haven’t bought into some bs about how it’s “just natural” that I should sexually harass every person I find attractive, SO I DON’T DO IT. I bet you guys would ask a woman what she was wearing if she confided in you that she was raped (because obviously no one in nun habits and burqas are ever harassed or raped). “Dress conservatively.” Honestly. Fuck you.
Sela
Sela
5 years 2 months ago

Are you kidding me? I should NOT have to dress “conservatively” (re: dress so that I won’t want to fuck you!) to command respect from hetero men. I. Should. Not.

It is not MY fault that you are attracted to me. It is YOURS for staring. Didn’t you ever learn staring is rude?

PK
PK
5 years 7 months ago
Johnny, that’s an awesome post. (for the most part) I’m a straight guy who lives in a gay friendly neighborhood and, growing up, definitely was in showers with gay men, after sports practice. So, men have and do deal with this too in very clear ways. That being said the feeling of vulnerability is not to be denied. I think you correctly identify that the lingering stare and really beyond that the insinuating stare are the problem because it is that that goes beyond simply appreciating someone’s appearance to implying a specific unasked for intent. For anyone rude enough to… Read more »
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