9/30/13
Your Call: I Forgave Husband His Affair, Now I Can’t Enjoy Sex with Him

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

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Dear Em & Lo,

I have been married for 6 years and have children with my husband. We recently had a home-wrecker tell us her 3-year-old daughter was my husband’s baby. We went through with the DNA test and she is his. If this wasn’t devastating enough, he came clean about cheating with 3 other women too.

After everything, I found it in my heart to forgive and try to save our marriage. I love him very much. The issue is sex. Every time we go to be intimate, I kind of get the image of us being together no longer being anything special and go cold. I’m having the worst time with this and he really doesn’t understand, since I’ve been so forgiving and wonderful about every other aspect. Any advice?

— My Vagina Won’t Forgive & Forget

What advice do you have for M.V.W.F.A.F? Leave it in the comments section below.

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6 Comments on "Your Call: I Forgave Husband His Affair, Now I Can’t Enjoy Sex with Him"

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sally
sally
2 years 10 months ago

Forgive and forget – sometimes the forgiveness is a mental process – but forgetting is another matter. Best in this case to forgive his imperfections and forget the marriage, he has. You and your children deserve better.

Tony
Tony
2 years 10 months ago
Your comment about “since I’ve been so wonderful and forgiving about every other aspect” and your body not cooperating make me think that there are unresolved issues that you are dealing with. I personally would recommend seeing a therapist given what you have said and the magnitude of his betrayal. I would also agree with other posters that if he has been repeatedly unfaithful I would seriously consider moving on. Especially since the only reason you found out was that one of the “other women” made a point of it, not that he felt remorseful and told you himself. I… Read more »
Johnny
Johnny
2 years 10 months ago

I think it’s good that you forgive him. It’s good for your own sanity and emotional well-being. Certainly better than walking around boiling with rage.

But I think it’s a bad idea to stay with him. A child outside your marriage? That’s way over the line.

You should both forgive him and dump him.

AlanK
AlanK
2 years 10 months ago
He is not going to change. And–given the existence of birth control devices–he is an idiot. “Forgiving” him is a waste of time, since he’ll do it again and you’ll have to “forgive” him again. Some people can re-negotiate the terms of a marriage; you’d allow him to stray, with conditions, and you’d be allowed the same privileges. When there is honesty and balance sometimes the erotic returns. I know couples who have done this and had it work well. However, making a change like this isn’t easy, most people would probably find it more destructive than constructive, and I… Read more »
J
J
2 years 10 months ago
I kinda have to agree with Henry. This situation sucks and it’s probably healthier to move on. As someone who works in divorce law, I can tell you these things usually don’t seem to get better. But,if you’re really committed to fixing things, you should probably try some counseling. The trust between you guys has been destroyed and it will take a long time to rebuild it. Your vagina probably won’t participate until you start to fix the damage. Last thought: how long has it been since all this went down? Letting some time pass and rebuilding the romance could… Read more »
henry
henry
2 years 10 months ago

I am so sorry for your situation.

However, irregardless of your feelings, I’d recommend moving on. This guy does not respect you and I can’t imagine any way he’ll change.

I’m worried that your love for him is hiding many self esteem issues that have let this go on for years.

You need a relationship with mutual respect.

I am so sorry.

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