Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Playing hard to get is so over. Real winners know they’re a catch and don’t have to be an elusive snot to prove it. We’re not saying you should be a commitment slut, or even a regular kind of slut for that matter. Just feel the love, man.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Just as too many cooks can spoil the broth, too many lovers coming in and out of your life (double entendre intended) as though you had a revolving bedroom door installed with a flashing neon sign above, reading, “Open 24 hours, everyone welcome!” can ruin your sense of intimacy (not to mention increase your chances of catching STDs, and give you a sense of vertigo). Try to focus your attention on one thing at a time. The objects of your attention will thank you for it in the morning. (Note: if you’re in a monogamous relationship or experiencing a bit of a sex drought right now, you may just need to stop multi-tasking at work.)
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You might call it “a leap of faith”; we prefer the term “blinded by lust. ” Don’t get all high and mighty on us, trying to pretend like you’re jumping into this relationship because you suddenly believe in love at first sight. Our “stalker alert!” alarm bells have been ringing all week, and we think they’re ringing for you. So keep your pants on until you can be sure you’re not dealing with a bunny boiler. Or worse, someone who can’t locate the United States on a world map. (According to one recent survey, that’s seventeen percent of the population. That fact alone should be enough to scare your libido away for a good seven days.)
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Shhh. Be vewy, vewy quiet…we’re hunting wabbits. Your latest flame is a sensitive little bunny, and any sudden movements, loud burps or controversial opinions may frighten them off. Stick to Netflix nights and lots of hand-holding. And don’t forget that popcorn makes you gassy.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Sure, go for it. If you think you can handle the rejection. If you’re experiencing a low self-esteem week, then best to stick with your safety-school booty call.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Uncertainties will continue to cloud your emotional decisions. Be an observer and you will gain the respect and confidence of someone who interests you. Be a self-centered narcissus who keeps talking just to hear the sound of their own voice and you will gain a one-way ticket to the German town Spaankenzeemunkee.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
There’s a fine line between eager and desperate, and you’re teetering dangerously close to the latter. Tone down the new puppy act and play it cool like the Fonz for a while (just don’t jump the shark!). Save the slobbering tongue kisses and chair leg-humping for next week.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Make a master plan and go after that hottie like you mean it: Figure out your goals, pick a winning strategy, and write down action points on Post-Its. Just be sure not to reveal your cunning plan until the fourth date. And perhaps avoid describing it as a “master plan” until date nine or ten. As for the Post-Its, let’s just make those our own little secret, shall we?
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Finally, your persistence will pay off. At long last, what you’ve been waiting for. Yes, it’s true, it’s been a long time coming, but believe us, it will have been worth the wait. We won’t lie to you Sag, we were worried there for a while, but you’re finally going to get what you deserve. A real, live, human date. Maybe even on Friday if you’re lucky. Halle-freakin’-lujah.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t be argumentative. Avoid sudden movements, outspoken opinions and keg-stands. Wait for the “Walk” sign. Turn your cellphone to “vibrate.” Wear soft-soled shoes. Avoid “making an impression.” This is not your week to put the par-tay back in party. Just stop and smell the flowers — in fact, lie down in a field of poppies and roll a fatty.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Your courage will help you stand out in a crowd this week. Before you go patting yourself on the back or giving yourself a medal of honor, by “courage” the stars could mean you’re actually stupid enough to eat a spoonful of wasabi when one of your friends dares you to while you’re all out at the local sushi bar this week. Whether noble or not, your acts of bravery should at least score you a date with someone who’s easily impressed.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
My, aren’t we feisty this week? You’re suffering from a severe case of what the pop psychologists like to call “floating anger.” Your pissy mood will infect anyone dumb enough to stand too close to you. But don’t let a little thing like a mood swing prevent you from getting some: Pick date activities that are highly physical so you can work through some of that aggression (paintball, bowling, anti-war rallies) and avoid anything resembling a debate. And don’t even try to have lovey-dovey, candle-lit sensual sex: The only nookie that’s going to work for you is a hair-pulling, dirty-talking, up-against-the-wall quickie. Aw yeah.
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