10 Rules About Geysers, Facials, and Pearl Necklaces

There comes a time in every guy’s life when he wants to pull out and impersonate Old Faithful, just for the visual. Or perhaps there come many times. Women, too, may appreciate the visual — just like the hickey, it’s a spectacle (though hopefully not one that your co-workers will spot the next morning).

Facials, in particular, remain one of the biggest taboos — and taboo-busting sex is often the hottest, in that “so wrong it’s right” way. But in some cases, it is so wrong that it is simply wrong. For example, performing an at-home facial without first getting permission.

Coming on a person’s face is a loaded act, like slapping them in the face (which can also be a “nice touch” in the middle of sex, come to think of it). Projectiles aimed at your face — a glass of water, a loogie, a cream pie, a fist — are rarely hallmarks of affection. The above-the-neck money shot is also a staple in porn — making it extra hot for some people, and extra icky for others. In fact, its prevalence in porn is one reason why people averse to cheese don’t necessarily go gaga for the facial. And let’s not forget that a guy’s juice stings like a mother if you get it in your eye.

Of course, not all facials are created equal. Like eating fish eggs, context is king. If you’re an abusive asshole whose mom didn’t love him enough and consequently treat every lover who has the misfortune of crossing your genital path as if she (or he) were a side of beef, then the facial is a true act of degradation. But if you call your mother once a week, are in a mature relationship, and you both are tickled by it, then the facial is an act and nothing more — an agreeable form of role-playing. If you mark your territory because you believe your partner is your property, then you deserve to be evicted without notice. But if you mark the territory because you like the visual, then it’s simply a way to make things more fun without waking the neighbors.

Here are a few guidelines — mostly for the ejaculator, natch — for doing it the right way:

  1. Don’t rush the clean-up like you’re a puppy who just peed on the rug — wipe your partner down tenderly and treat the act as part of the post-coital bonding. If it’s a particularly large deposit, lead your partner by the hand to the shower to rinse off together.
  2. Only tacky idiots and pre-teens attempt to win over a gal by listing a facial’s benefits to her complexion. Semen does indeed contain protein, which can have a temporary tightening effect on wrinkly skin…until she rinses it off in the powder room.
  3. If you’ve never come anywhere but in the condom before, consider building up to the facial: stomach, breasts, back, neck (a.k.a. a “pearl necklace”). Or just ask your partner where you should come.
  4. Remember that ejaculate can spread disease if it comes into contact with any mucous membrane, not just the vagina (i.e. mouth, eyes, open cuts, anus).
  5. If you want to request a facial in advance (so the sex is not imminent and the pressure is lifted), don’t raise the subject at breakfast or during rush hour traffic. Instead, do it over a glass of wine when you’re playing footsie and things are a little frisky. Lean in and say something like, “You’re so sexy, you make me want to do dirty things. I’d really love to come on your face sometime.”
  6. When asking permission mid-sex, just make the request part of the dirty talk: everyone’s more open to suggestion in the throes of ecstasy.
  7. Ejaculate on the face becomes unsexy (not to mention chilly) exactly 2.3 seconds after the last orgasmic shudder. Therefore, never request a facial unless you’ve got a box of Handywipes or a towel on the bedside table. If you only have Kleenex on hand, settle for a pearl necklace.
  8. Guys, don’t complain if you get some on yourself; remember, it’s on her face.
  9. Nothing says “the pretend defilement ends here” quite like a good cuddle.
  10. All of the above applies to women who have the ability to female ejaculate.


  1. Before my wife, I had never given any woman a facial. My wife and I have enjoyed porn for several years now and the first time I have her a facial was actually her own doing. This was when we were dating so she was my girlfriend at the time. She has no issue with facials and actually likes them because she knows they are a major turn-on for me. That said, I show respect when in the act. I avoid her eyes, ears, nose and, when possible, hair (her hair often gets hit, though). Sometimes my ejaculations can be unpredictable and so it’s all good if an honest accident happens. But in general I avoid those areas out of respect. If I do that, then facials are all good with her and she really gets into them. As a guy, it is hard to explain why facials are so appealing. But nothing is quite as exciting. It’s an amazing experience.

  2. Why does it need to be defilement? I enjoy giving women (and now exclusively my wife) facials and I enjoy seeing them in porn, but not because I think its dirty and it sullies the woman. Quite the opposite. I want to have the woman at least seem like she is enjoying it, that she is accepting of all parts of me, that this is just another part of me that she is willing to experience.

    I don’t want her to feel “dirty”. I want myself to feel “clean” and accepted

    Probably stems from maternal issues due to an absentee mother as a child….

  3. …and, for the record, I LIKE kissing a woman after I’ve climaxed in her mouth or on her face. And most like that I like it.

  4. I’m just amazed at how well written these comments are. I might just have to come here more often and forget about the ESPN website.

  5. just lick it off her – she will at least appreciate it over throwing her a towel

  6. I like dirty sex. I like rough sex. I like almost all sex. I like “dominating” sometimes and sometimes I like being “dominated.”
    But facials? I just don’t really get the appeal. I think it’s mostly the thought of it getting so close to my eyes and potentially in my eyes–not sexy.

  7. Personally, I’m not a fan of facials and my husband could care less, but we both enjoy the some of the other areas(breasts/stomach).

    @Figleaf, for us, it’s not a matter of pulling out, but usually the result of some naked mutual gratification via blow or handjob.

    You’re right about pulling out during intercourse. For me that kind of defeats the purpose of intercourse unless you are using the pull-out method like Madamoiselle L.

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