2015: The Year in Bad Sex

Beautiful, honest, legal, egalitarian sex took a lot of hits this year. Below you’ll find 13 of the worst offenders.

Jared Goes to Jail
Subway’s main frontman likes his sandwiches one foot tall and his dates not much taller. He was sentenced to 15 years in prison after admitting to distributing and receiving child pornography and paying for sex with minors.

Josh Duggar Pisses Off God
Not only was Josh one of the stars of TLC’s now-canceled “19 Kids and Counting”, which chronicled the holier-than-thou Jesus cult that is the Duggar family, he also worked at the holier-than-thou, right-wing Family Research Council. So it was both surprising and totally expected when his checkered past came to light this year. First, it was revealed he’d sexually abused five girls when he was a teenager, four of whom were his own sisters. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he admitted to cheating on his wife after his name was on the list of clients hacked from the marital affair website Ashley Madison. Oh wait, one more! He’s also being sued by an adult film star for battery during their affair.

Bill Cosby Is Evil in a Sweater
Fifty-five accusers and counting. Not a TLC reality show, but the number of women claiming that Bill Cosby had drugged, sexually assaulted and/or raped them. Read the devastating New York Magazine article on the accusations. This many women can’t be wrong.

The Aforementioned Ashley Madison Hack
Not only was Josh Duggar’s name on their list of clients looking for a little extramarital nookie, so was Christian YouTube sensation Sam Rader, Florida State Attorney Jeff Ashton, Louisiana GOP official Jason Doré and thousands of other government workers.

Celebrities Break Up
First it was Ben Batman Affleck and Jennifer All-American Garner, rumored to have broken up after 10 years together over his drinking, gambling and cliched fucking of the nanny. Then it was adorbs Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, who either broke up after only 4 years of marriage because she cheated on him OR because of something terrible he did — who knows? But the worst was Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, a seemingly perfect rock couple married for a whopping 13 years (that’s almost an eternity in celebrity years), because — surprise, surprise — he allegedly fucked the nanny. Yawn. Now we have to watch opposites-attract Gwen and Blake rebound all over each other in public. Wasn’t Adam Levine bad enough on “The Voice”?

Charlie Sheen Is H.I.V. Positive
So many people were trying to extort money from him for keeping his secret, he decided to come clean, as it were.

Madonna Kisses Drake
This was wrong on so many levels. First, the kiss (planted by Madonna on Drake during a Cochella concert) was unscripted and therefore pretty unconsensual — had a male star done the same to a female singer, it wouldn’t be cool. Second, while he seemed to enjoy the macking at first, when she let him go, his reaction suggested she might have thrown up in his mouth a little (Drake apparently said afterwards that while he liked the kiss, it was her “nasty lipstick” that was the problem). Finally, that reaction gave a green light to all the boring, ageist, sexist commentary about Madge being old and disgusting, because she still dares to be a sexual woman after the age of 50.

The Weeknd’s Misogyny
We love the catchiness of “Can’t Feel My Face” and “The Hills” as much as the next person. It just gets tricky to sing along with lines like “I just fucked two bitches ‘fore I saw you.” And the video for “Earned It” betrays its lyrics about the specialness of one paramour by parading before him a faceless battalion of female kink-bots in ass-less panties and not much else. Dig deeper into his discography, and you’ll find, as Lauren Martin writes, the “uncomfortable exoticism of Asian women, violent tendencies and obsession with prostitutes and/or strippers.” The video for “Pretty” glamorizes a jilted man brutally killing his girlfriend and her extracurricular lover while mixing female eroticism with extreme violence in a way that would make CSI proud. “Initiation” is about getting a naive fan so wasted she’ll agree to a gang bang by his crew. Nothing wrong with exploring the depths of male depravity through art — but after a while, when your villainy becomes your schtick, artistic license can sound an awful lot like artistic condonation.

Fifty Shades of Blah
Sam Johnson — an impressive, feminist, powerful artist — not only directed The Weeknd’s “Earned It” video (WTF? see above), she also directed the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie. While she valiantly fought with author E.L. James to try to elevate the rubbish story-telling a bit and succeeded in giving the main character more sexual agency than she has in the book, Johnson utterly failed at giving female movie-goers some of the eye-candy they were hoping for. Where were the long, loving shots of Christian Grey’s naked form? We needed more butt! And would a little bit of stem have killed you? We ladies can admire a male form, too. We thought Fifty Shades would be the film to finally deliver, seeing as it was such a straight-female-driven phenomenon, but it played by the tired old assumption that audiences are only comfortable with “more beautiful” female form.

Dad Bod
All we want to know is, where the hell was the Mom Bod adulation this year? Tit for tat, people. Or should we say, tit for fat?

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Trump Wants to Bang His Daughter
In a Rolling Stone interview this year, he said of his 34-year-old daughter Ivanka, “Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father …” To which The Daily Show responded with this hilarious analysis.

Morrissey Wins the Bad Sex Writing Award of 2015
In his debut novel, “List of the Lost,” one-time Smiths frontman and famed celibate Morissey tried — and apparently failed — to nail sex on paper: “At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.’

Amy Schumer Wins the Bad Sex Scene Award
And we mean that as a good thing! In her hilarious 2015 hit, Schumer has one of the most awkward and hilarious sex scenes in the history of cinema with her character’s jacked-up, meathead, and probably closeted boyfriend. The scene was mostly ad-libbed by professional wrestler John Cena, who should truly win an Oscar for lines emulating misguided dirty talk like “I’m gonna put my green drink in you, yeah, beta carotene and vegetable mix.”