All posts by Em & Lo

Our Favorite Reponses to #HowToSpotAFeminist

You might have noticed this week that an unpleasant hashtag made the rounds on Twitter. #HowToSpotAFeminist was started by one of those mysogynistic wannabe-Howard-Stern drive-time morning DJs (whose name and Twitter handle we will keep to ourselves, as he doesn’t deserve any more attention). The hashtag was meant to get people making fun of burning bras and hairy armpits. And sure, that happened — you can go find those Tweets yourself if you like. We won’t publish them here. But then, the very funny and very feminist women (and, yes, men) of Twitter took over. Here are some of our faves…

Planned Parenthood ‏@PPact

When you know Roe v Wade isn’t a suggestion—but a constitutionally protected right #ppGeneration #HowToSpotAFeminist

Blake Irving ‏@Blakei

“A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality & full humanity of women & men – @GloriaSteinem #HowToSpotAFeminist

Angela Cobb ‏@angelacobb

#HowToSpotAFeminist Look in the mirror. If you don’t see one there, hop in a time machine and go back where you belong.

Jen Kirkman ‏@JenKirkman

If you see a guy I am sleeping with. #HowToSpotAFeminist

Rhys James ‏@rhysjamesy

#HowToSpotAFeminist A feminist doesn’t need spotting. She can lift weights on her own thank you very much. Or he.

Michele Catalano ‏@inthefade

#HowToSpotAFeminist have a conversation with a woman. Chances are you found one.

Kristen Schaal ‏@kristenschaaled

#HowToSpotAFeminist I’m one!

NWLC ‏@nwlc

#HowToSpotAFeminist? Easy: follow the trail of broken glass to where they smashed through the ceiling!

Katha Pollitt ‏@KathaPollitt

She’s the one who thinks women have the right to determine their own path in life #howtospotafeminist

Charles Clymer ‏@cmclymer

This could also say: how to spot any rational adult who respects others. #HowToSpotAFeminist

Ponta @typicalfeminist

“Do you want equality?” “Yes.” GOTCHA. #HowToSpotAFeminist

Eric Wolfson @EricWolfson

They have the crazy idea that they should be paid the same amount of money as a man. #HowToSpotAFeminist

Lindsay Ellis @thelindsayellis

#HowToSpotAFeminist the fifth arm is usually a bit shorter

Michal @inkasrain

They turn solid purple during the Full Moon. #HowToSpotAFeminist

WomanAgainstFeminism @NoToFeminism

I don’t need femimss #HowToSpotAFeminist ? You cannot. You will never even know she is there. Until it is too late.

Anna-Louise Adams @annalouiseadams

#HowToSpotAFeminist look out for anyone that has a functioning brain inside their head and you’re on the right track

amy brown @arb

#HowToSpotAFeminist? u can’t. we move unseen in the shadows until it is too late. we are sneaky like ninjas.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

13 Last-Minute Mother’s Day Gifts That Don’t Totally Suck

Chime in!

Flowers are okay. But moms like other stuff too: soft stuff, scented stuff, stress-relieving stuff, sexy stuff. Okay, so maybe you don’t want to get your Mom (or the mother of your children) something inappropriate for Mother’s Day. But let’s try to think outside the vase. There are loads of cool expensive things to buy available on noveltystreet so it’s all just a case of deciding your budget and her taste. You could opt to gift her something that you’ve seen cribbing her about! What about the lines along the crease of her eyes and the wrinkles that she complains and worries about all the time? You could gift her something to alleviate her skincare problems with something like the range of Biopelle products! This could bring a smile to your mother’s face, for sure.

Nonetheless, below are some great gifts (for any budget) that she’ll really appreciate as a living, breathing human being (not a “domestic goddess”). All are available online with expedited shipping (except the cake — you’ve got put some elbow grease into that one.) Whatever you do, don’t get her another Edible Arrangement!

1. “Relax Me” Fizzy Bath Balls

$6 each

These individually wrapped balls turn a bath into a bubbly cocktail of aromas and soothing salts. A calming mixture of luscious oils, baking soda, and intoxicating fragrance, Relax Me is the perfect ending to Mom’s extra-long day (and they’re all extra-long). Choose from English Lavender, Pear Vanilla, Pomegranate Mint, or Morning Dew. They’re body-safe and animal-product free, contain natural ingredients, and are made in the USA.

2. “I Take You” Novel

$18

It’s the smartest, sexiest, funniest (like, hilarious) beach read on the shelves right now! If she’s a little saucy, your mom’ll love it.

3. Soft Sleeping Mask

$10

Help Mom get a better night’s rest with soft and comfortable mask. The elastic band allows for a snug fit without putting undue pressure on the eyes. And, hey, if she can find another use for it — wink, wink, kink, kink — good for her!

4. Luna Beads

$34

Know a new mom? Or maybe an older one with sneeze-pee issues? Help them out with the best selling Kegel exercisers in the world: Luna Beads are designed to strengthen and tone pelvic floor muscles to improve pelvic health (which will probably intensify orgasms, but you don’t have to tell Mom that if you don’t want to). Made from body-safe materials and easy to clean, Luna Beads can be worn one or two at a time for a custom workout.

5. Rhubarb Rose Cake

TBD

Okay, this one you don’t buy, you bake. But it goes great with champagne! According to creator Molly Shuster on Eat Boutique, “Paired with some loose garden flowers and bubbly champagne, this cake makes a very festive spread for my Mom on her special day. This little cake conveys a lot of my appreciation, but most importantly, it allows a little time to share a toast, a conversation, and some good laughs.” Aw, sweet, sensual, not sucky! The how-to’s are here.

6. Contour Ceramic Massage Stones

$26

Who needs massage therapy more than moms? This award-winning, body-friendly, double-fired porcelain massager by JimmyJane is hygienic, non-porous, and easy to clean. These versatile massagers can be warmed up or cooled down for added sensation and their shapes allow for limitless possibilities for sensual or deep-tissue massage techniques (dome face down for long, smooth strokes, or flipped over for pressure point stimulation with the rounded corners).

7. Flickering Touch Massage Candle

$29.90

Made from all natural soy wax, Shea butter and apricot kernel oil, Lelo’s Flickering Touch Massage Candle melts into a pool of luxurious massage oil designed to nourish and moisturize skin with natural vitamin E. These Lelo candles have a burn-time of up to 35-hours and come in three light scents: Black pepper & pomegranate; snow pear and cedarwood; vanilla and creme de cacao.

8. “What Makes a Baby” Book

$16.95

It’s not exactly a sensual gift, but almost any mom will feel warm and fuzzy reading this awesomely inclusive book of reproductive love to their kids. Visually engaging, informative, and supportive, “What Makes a Baby” explains to kids from any kind of family where they came from. It’s a great jumping-off point for more discussion with kids about bodies and families by a certified sexuality educator (Cory Silverberg) and an award-winning artist/illustrator (Fiona Smyth). For preschool-age 8.

9. “Fifty Shades of Grey” Movie

$19

If your mom was a fan (and, really, what mom wasn’t?), then getting her her own copy of the first “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie is a no brainer: she can watch it (and re-watch it and re-watch it…) whenever she wants! It’s got an unrated version (aw yeah), an alternate ending (probably better), and a teaser for “Fifty Shades Darker.” The DVD comes out Friday, but you can preorder today and choose 1-day shipping to get it there by Mom’s Day.

10. Burberry for Women Eau de Parfum

$88

Steer clear of the trashy celebrity perfumes by the likes of Paris Hilton and Britney, and go for pure, classic class: Burberry for Women Eau de Parfum is a fresh and sensual fragrance with fruity top notes of blackcurrant, fresh green apple and bright bergamot. Heart notes of cedar wood, jasmine, and moss are intensified with warm notes of sandalwood for a rich and sensual tone. Warm notes of musk and vanilla smooth the base. Presented in a glass, 100ml bottle. Made in France, natch.

11. Yoga for Beginners Boxed Set

$21

If Mom isn’t into yoga yet, it’s just a matter of time. Help her pull the yoga trigger with this popular 3-DVD box set that contains Yoga for Stress Relief, AM-PM Yoga for Beginners, and Essential Yoga for Inflexible People (and you know what flexibility is good for). Forty different routines focus on different physical and mental aspects of yoga, such as building strength, improving flexibility, reducing stress, etc.

12. Molton Brown Seamoss Stress-Relieving Hydrosoak

$30

Is Mom in need of a deep-sea de-stress? Of course she is! She can dive into the blue waters of Molton Brown’s oceanic bath salts, made with marine extracts, Dead Sea salts and horse chestnut. The scent is energizing and the scrub clarifying.

13. Original Magic Wand

$54.95

Okay, okay, we know. But seriously, this is an awesome stress-melting back massager. Really. Whatever else Mom might figure out to do with it in the privacy of her own bedroom is her business — you don’t need to know about it.

Comment: Why Size Matters…Until It Doesn’t

Chime in!

photo via flickr

Reader MrAverage said the following in response to our post “Your Call: Do Bigger Penises Lead to Different Orgasms for Women?”

Size matters and it doesn’t. Let me explain that apparent contradiction.

My wife’s ex was an acquaintance of mine – we played on the same soccer team. He was hung, everybody joked about it, although not huge (my wife measured him, 8×6). He took my wife’s virginity & they had a two-year relationship before he dumped her (his loss) and my wife & I got together.

The size difference, which my wife joked about in the beginning (such as saying my 1-inch cock looks like a cocktail sausage when soft – in fairness, it does) didn’t bother me because although I’m only 5 inches erect (and 5 inches girth, which is average), I give her regular orgasms & I assumed all female orgasms were the same.

But a couple of things she said always bothered me. When we first had sex, she said she couldn’t feel me (the words she uttered weren’t exactly the ball-crushing ‘Are you in yet?’ but close enough). Also, she said she liked sex fast, hard & deep as she was a vaginal orgasmer. Well, over the years due to discussions with male and female friends and Internet browsing, I realised I give my wife loads of clitoral orgasms but nothing else.

My insecurity grew to the point that I started to pester her about how I compared to her ex (crazy, I know, but I reckoned I was mature enough to deal with the truth, and I couldn’t bear not knowing).

She assured me I was ‘fine’ and she had ‘no problems’ with my size. Call me over sensitive but I felt damned with faint praise. I continued to pester her until she finally relented, saying ‘OK you want the truth – yes he was much bigger and yes, bigger is definitely better.’

Why, I asked her? ‘I felt him, every move he made inside me, there was stretching, an amazing feeling of fullness, the constant in-out pressure on my labia and friction on my vaginal walls.’ She feels none of those sensations with me. Also because he was long, he hit a nerve (the vagus nerve, i think) at the back of her vagina (cervix, anterior fornix?) which sent tingling down her spine and into her lower abdomen everytime he thrusted.

OK, so actual sex felt a lot more pleasurable! But what about orgasm? Did size all equal out then? No, again. The orgasms he gave her were very different from the ones I give her. The ones she had with him were basically an extension of the tingling she’d felt at the back of her vagina. That became a ‘tingling explosion’ that worked up her body from inside up her spine. The tingling persisted for up to fifteen minutes after sex. She didn’t always orgasm with him but said the orgasms were more intense, pleasurable, long-lasting and deep.

The orgasms I have with her are based around the vagina and are short, sharp, superficial explosions that are over in seconds – classic clitoral, from what I’ve discovered. There’s a massive difference between vaginal and clitoral, apparently! Well, I asked!

Worse, she said that feeling at the ‘disposal’ of a really big cock – ie that the guy had the ability to hurt her with it – made her feel more feminine, and for her to regard him as more masculine.

For a while I wasn’t able to handle the truth. I knew her ex, he was a great guy, but I found myself hating him through penis envy, which is very immature but essentially very human.

Anyway, after a while I tried to compensate for my lack of size by getting bigger dildos & vibrators etc, and asking my wife to do kegels.

Yet my wife expressed no interest in anything large, which perplexed me. Also, she saw the ben wa balls I got her as a pain to use, and only uses them when I ask her. Does she wish I had a bigger penis? Yes, she admits, it would be nice, but more because of my insecurity than because of any lack of pleasure I give her, before adding that she could live blissfully without ever having those sensations again because she loves me & has actually come to enjoy clitoral orgasms immensely, especially when I use a vibrator.

No matter how hard I’ve tried to transpose my insecurities about size onto her, she resists, saying it’s so much more about the whole package, and that for her size is a small (excuse the pun) part of that equation. I believe her, despite the fact that women are perpetual liars when it comes to size, except when they’re with their girlfriends & small guys get ridiculed & sniggered over (my wife confirms that and so do a few close platonic girlfriends and gay friends).

When my wife met me she said the last thing she was thinking, despite her previous experience, was whether my penis was a decent size. This is mostly a guy thing – thinking most women think that way, when they really don’t.

Rather, she was thinking about how well suited we were emotionally and intellectually. She says she & most of her friends would list the following priorities when considering a man as a long term mate: face first, then personality, followed by body (particularly height in relation to her, shape & buttocks), intelligence, hygiene, then penis size.

Any disappointment she felt at eventually discovering my size, she says, was far outweighed by my other attributes, although she did admit a penis under about 4 inches would push the limits of what she was happy to accept.

My take from all that is: there are certainly women who will choose men based on penis size and reject those who don’t measure up – they are the true size queens. But they’re by no means the majority of women – although my wife’s best friend is an avowed size queen, so they’re definitely not a statistically insignificant minority, either.

In fact, even when a woman has sampled the pleasures of a big cock, such as my wife, they are happy to settle for less size, even far less size, if the man ticks other boxes & if she loves him.

I know many will read this & think: this is 101 of life, who doesn’t know it! But there are many insecure men – and not just those with below-average penises – who think many if not most women would reject a man because of his size.

The truth, as I’ve discovered through first-hand experience, is very different. Not even thoroughly enjoying the pleasures of a big cock is enough to turn some women into size queens, if my wife is an example.

*******

Are Christian and Ana typical dom/sub types? It seems like a super-controlling guy like Christian might be a bottom in real life…
We tend to shy away from saying anything is typical, especially when it comes to kink and fetishes — everyone’s different. And remember, he was a bottom when he was younger, with Mrs. Robinson. Kink insiders often say that the best tops used to be bottoms, and the best bottoms used to be tops.

How’s the equipment in the red room? (And the hardware store?)
According to the production designers, the Red Room was top of the line all the way — and it looked it! Some of the rope work looked a little sloppy (but we’re not connoisseurs and we admit we were a little tipsy during our viewing). Thumbs down on the hardware cable ties — in the book it’s implied that he’ll use them to restrain her, in the movie he flat out states it — that’s bush league, never use cable ties to restrain someone’s wrists or appendages, it’s super dangerous in terms of potential physical damage. Use them to organize your rope, that’s it.

Is the contract negotiation plausible?
Yes and no. We love the idea of couples being very specific about what they will and won’t do sexually. A lot of emotional and physical pain could be avoided if more people did that together, very explicitly. And while people can agree on slave “contracts” quote unquote, and can have faith that they’ll each honor them, they’re not legally binding and we think it would have been cool if savvy business man Christian, in both the book and the movie, had been more clear with ingenue Ana that this wasn’t a real lawyerly doc, like the NDA.

How well do they handle the negotiation?
We loved the negotiation scene added to the movie, such a step up from the original badgering in the book. It was witty, funny and put them both on an even playing field, even giving Ana the edge, which is more realistic in terms BDSM relationships — you always hear it’s the sub who holds all the actual power because it’s up to them to decide what will and won’t happen.

Are people who love S&M uncomfortable with intimacy?
Like members of the vanilla community, some of them are, some of them aren’t. Again, let’s avoid sweeping generalizations.

Is S&M a way to take out your repressed anger at your parents?
That’s an unscientific question for Freud.

Does he use the riding crop correctly? How’s his rope technique?
Like we said, we were a little tipsy! He was pretty gentle with the riding crop, which is important when starting with a newbie. And probably a good idea in a mainstream movie, too — because using a riding crop can really injure someone if you do it wrong. We seem to recall him using the riding crop near her stomach area, which is fine when you’re being as gentle as he is, but when you get more intense, you really should stick to tougher areas like the butt.

We wish they could have been a little more explicit in showing how pain and pleasure are two sides of the same coin — it was all very BDSM-light. Then again, it’s more responsible to err on the side of caution when you have so many people seeing this movie, getting inspired, and then wanting to try stuff at home — things can go very wrong very quickly if you try anything too advanced without the proper research/training. Still, during the erotic flogging mid-movie, Christian could have been using a couple of wet noodles, it was so tame. And when she’s tied on the leather bed, the restraints seemed way too loose, giving Ana way too much wiggle room — a case of cinematography winning out over authenticity.

What is with the total lack of foreplay?
We would have liked a little more physical teasing in that department, but it’s a short film, and there was a lot to pack in. But we really enjoyed Richard Brody’s take in the New Yorker which argued that the movie was chock full of foreplay in a way that other movies that explore romantic relationships totally lack — the entire Fifty Shades movie was extended foreplay and sexual tension.

Does carrying Anastasia out of the room like a baby count as aftercare?
Sure, we’ll count it. Could it have been better, in both the book and movie? Most definitely. And while giving Ana her own room seems a bit creepy and controlling in a regular relationship where you’re just a bit kinky on a Saturday night… in the context of an entire power-play relationship, such as Christian and Ana have — or at least, such as Christian would like — it’s kind of a nice touch.

Does a dom/sub relationship extend to an entire life outside of the bedroom like Christian seems to think it does?
For the minority it does — just read up on the disturbing “Taken in Hand” community — but for the majority it’s something that they do behind closed doors, something that happens in the bedroom (or dungeon) and stays in the bedroom (dungeon).

Why is Christian the only one who enjoys this? Isn’t S&M about both people enjoying it?
Yes, it’s definitely about both people enjoying it. If both people aren’t enjoying it, then they’re doing it wrong. In the book, Ana was way too conflicted for our tastes, which made Christian’s abusive behavior that much worse. They certainly toned down his stalker-ish tendencies in the movie, thankfully (though hello, he broke into her apartment and she didn’t say a word!), and they made Ana seem much more into the kink in the movie: every sexual encounter in the movie besides the flogging at the end seemed thoroughly enjoyable to her. In fact, we were kind of fantasizing they’d do something truly provocative and empowering and unexpected by ending the movie with a close up of Ana giving a little smile of ecstasy on the bench after her flogging, in spite of herself. That’s the “Secretary” ending we loved.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

Out on DVD: Questioning the Kink in “Fifty Shades”

Chime in!

*******

Are people who love S&M uncomfortable with intimacy?
Like members of the vanilla community, some of them are, some of them aren’t. Again, let’s avoid sweeping generalizations.

Is S&M a way to take out your repressed anger at your parents?
That’s an unscientific question for Freud.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

5 Reasons Why You Should Read “I Take You” by Eliza Kennedy

Chime in!

Have you met Lily Wilder? You should. She’s the seriously funny, seriously sex-driven, and seriously flawed protagonist of the novel I Take You by Eliza Kennedy, which is on sale starting today. Here are five reasons why you should pick up a copy right now…

1. I Take You is a straightforward look at female promiscuity, and the way that women can sleep around just like men. And while the book doesn’t gloss over the protagonist’s flaws, it never judges her for these flaws as a woman. Simply as a person.

2. It’s the smartest, sexiest, funniest (like, hilarious) beach read on the shelves right now.

3. It’ll give you a lot to talk about on your next ladies’ night: What it means to settle, what it means to be monogamous, what it means to be married. Oh, yeah, and whether or not you should sleep with your boss.

4. The protagonist Lily Wilder is no damsel in distress, nor is she a bubbly, slightly ditzy magazine editor, a la Bridget Jones. Instead, our heroine is a kick-ass corporate attorney.

5. The sex scenes are steamy, and, unlike with Fifty Shades of Grey, you don’t have to suffer through cringe-inducing cliches, cartwheeling inner Goddesses, and implausible plot twists to get to them.

I Take You by Eliza Kennedy is on sale now | Find out more at LilyWilder.com

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

Your Weekly Horoscopes: May 4th, 2015

Chime in!

via Gratisography

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, be the bottom.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re one of those incredibly successful multi-taskers who has a full-time job, writes at least one novel a year (several of which are available on Amazon), volunteers at the old folks’ home, occasionally retreats to the woods for spiritual enlightenment and a landscape oil painting class, and never has to wipe their ass more than three times. This week, not only will you cure some disease, but in your “spare time” you’ll meet someone with real potential. We’re trying real hard to be happy for you.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Scientists have proven that for every hundred instances of casual sex, the “casual” aspect is actually mutual only once or twice. The odds are against you, and this week, they finally catch up to you. Unless you catch this horoscope in the nick of time (say, before Wednesday) and have the presence of mind to take a cold shower and ward off an unwelcome devotee at the pass.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Your quick response to others and your opportunistic approach to life will attract just the type of partner you want this week. It’s kind of like high school all over again, but not so much fun. You’ll make fun of the kid with the limp and everyone will just roar with laughter, especially that hottie in the corner. You’ll break out your impression of the guy with the accent who works at the deli and everyone will think you’re sooooo funny, especially that hottie in the corner. You’ll poke fun at our outfits in a dry, almost self-deprecating manner and they’ll be talking for years about your sophisticated wit, and how everyone knew at just that moment that you and the hottie in the corner were meant for each other. Don’t bother inviting us to the wedding.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re unsure about love,
So don’t be a big fat stupid head by leading someone on.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will find it difficult to hide your true feelings. You’ll be passionate, warm, and affectionate in your gestures, and this will incur “interesting” responses. Especially if all this “warmth” and “affection” is being displayed on a second date. And you’re a chick. And your date is a dude. Don’t make any sudden moves unless you’re prepared to see a grown man squeal like a little piggie on the way to market.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. Don’t be a big fat loser this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This is a good week to interact with your luvva (as opposed to all those weeks when it’s best to ignore them and take them for granted). Get out, pleasure seek, romance the stone — together. You know, go check into a cheap motel on the interstate for a couple of hours some night this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
With the constant ebb and flow of the tide, the shoreline is ever-changing. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Deal with it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We hope it doesn’t rain too much in your hometown this week, ’cause you’re only going to get lucky outdoors.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you’re looking for someone who is dedicated, loyal, and ready for a relationship, you should attend some of the worthy activities going on in your local community. Hell, even a book-signing will do, as long as it’s not the Heaven Is For Real book. But if you’re looking for someone who is conniving, backstabbing, and emotionally unavailable, then take your pick from any of the losers hanging out at your local bar.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Do that extra body shot, be the first on the dance floor, be the last to go home, let your hair down, and your pants, too, should the mood strike — public impersonations of the psycho in Silence of the Lambs are making a comeback.

MORE AWESOME STUFF ON EMandLO.com:

Your Call: How to Tell Your Husband It’s Okay to Ravish You (a Little)

Chime in!

still from "Basic Instinct" (how NOT to do it)

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m just about as open as u can get when it comes 2 sex w/ my husband. I’m the one pushing toys, anal play . . . I’ve noticed that it turns him on when I say “ouch” or “please.” His arm creeps around my neck and I go w/ it, biting him, feeble “faux” struggling.

I trust him. How can I tell him that it’s ok if he likes to fantasize about these things? I wouldn’t mind a little pain at the right moment, but he has 2 learn when I’m ready. I was raped and I think he is afraid of pulling that up but we’ve been together 15+years (since 16) & I know he will never do anything I don’t want him to.

I love it when he pulls my hair/bites my neck/shoulder. So how do I bring this up so we can set up cues 4 when I’m ready and when it’s 2 much?

— Take Me

What should T.M. say to her husband? Leave advice for her in the comments section below.

HELPFUL LINKS ON EMandLO.com

What Is the PS-Spot and How Can I Enjoy It?

Chime in!

photo via flickr

Unless you’ve been living in a cave, you know exactly what the G-spot is, and you probably know where it is, too — an area on the front wall of the vagina a few inches in that, when stimulated, can result in extreme pleasure, explosive orgasms, and even female ejaculation…well, at least for some women (quite a few don’t like theirs even looked at!). Thanks to a number of studies on the anatomy and sexual response of this area over the past few decades, the G-spot has become the It Girl of female sexuality.

But what about the PS-spot? The PS-who?

That’s exactly the reaction we got when we asked a group of sexually sophisticated women and their partners about this area opposite the G-spot: “Never heard of it”, and “The G-spot is hard enough to find, let alone something with 2 letters”, and “Is that similar to treacle sponge?” If the G-spot is the It Girl, the PS-spot is its red-headed step-sister. So here’s some info to help you get to know her better, because she can really be quite nice:

What the PS-spot is exactly: The PS stands for perineal sponge, which lies between the vagina and rectum, just beneath the perineum (that band of skin between the vaginal opening and the anus). The perineal sponge is a mass of erectile tissue, which means that when it’s stimulated, it fills with blood and becomes engorged, just like a man’s penis and a woman’s clitoris do during arousal.
Why you’ve never heard of the PS-spot: Willful ignorance has been a long-standing tradition when it comes to female sexuality. Women were once considered practically asexual, encouraged just to lie back and think of England. Then Freud nearly ruined the clitoris for us, suggesting that orgasms gained from its stimulation were somehow “immature”. And even today there are some doctors who question the existence of the G-spot. There’s just been very little research on pleasure-related issues for women, especially those connected to the perineal sponge.
How to stimulate the PS-spot: The best way to stimulate the PS-spot is with a finger(s) or a curved sex toy – just as is the case with the G-spot, except you apply pressure in the opposite direction (i.e. on the back lower wall of the vagina). You can also stimulate it via the perineum (pushing up) or the anus (gently pushing toward the front of the body). If you want to try getting at it during intercourse, you could try positions that direct the penis/phallus toward your back wall, such as missionary or woman-on-top with your torsos pressed together — basically, the opposite of what works best for targeting the G-spot, which is doggy style.
What the PS-spot may feel like: Women who like this area stimulated have reported various results: reaching orgasm from its stimulation alone, enhancement of other kinds of stimulation, the extending or intensifying of orgasm, reaching orgasm quicker.
Why you shouldn’t get too excited about the PS-spot: Whether you’re looking for the G-spot or the PS-spot, there’s definitely no guarantee that either will feel good to you. And that’s okay. It’s good just to know that these spots are a natural part of your anatomy there to be explored. If you happen to be one of those women for whom the G-spot isn’t the holy grail, then maybe the PS-spot will do it for you. If not, don’t worry — there are always other spots to try, whether they have their own catchy term yet or not. When you find one you like, name it after your own initials!

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

Blog Snog: The 29 Steamiest Movie Sex Scenes of All Time

Chime in!

YourTango: Do women have the right to expect chivalry from men?
Pop Sugar: The 29 steamiest movie sex scenes of all time.
The Frisky: Apparently having sex ruins a young girl’s character, according to prom posters in Wisconsin.
Nerve: What is that post-sex “glow” that is so obvious, anyway?
150 Shades of Play: Got spring fever? Embrace your inner Christian without losing an eye… or your sense of humor!

5 Signs Your Jealousy Is Out of Control

Chime in!

Kim Olver for Your Tango | Photo via Flickr

Extreme jealousy is one of the most destructive things in a relationship. Engaging in jealous behaviors and suspicions is not cute. It does not let your significant other know you really care.

And it definitely will not strengthen your relationship.

An occasional, mildly jealous episode might actually heighten the interest in your relationship but chronic, pathological jealousy is like a cancer that will destroy any loving feelings that exist in your relationship.

With that in mind, here are five signs you are a jealous mess:

1. His phone habits upset you. Whenever your partner doesn’t answer the telephone while in your presence, you wonder if it could be a lover.

2. His social media habits scare you. Whenever your partner has a new friend on Facebook, you go to the friend’s page to check out your competition.

3. You stalk him. You find yourself driving by your loved one’s job, home or places you know him/her to frequent, thinking you’ll find some incriminating evidence.

4. You’re mistrustful of new people. Every time your loved one introduces you to someone new, you closely watch them for any sign of attraction and later grill your significant other about their relationship.

5. You snoop. Whenever you get the opportunity, you are checking your loved one’s phone and/or email for signs he/she may be involved with someone else.

If this describes you, your relationship is in big trouble! It’s time for some introspection and to make some changes.

Is this the person you really want to be? Does your partner deserve your trust and respect? If so, then extend those courtesies. If not, and your partner has given you multiple reasons not to trust him/her, ask yourself why you are still in a relationship with a person you cannot trust?

People who are a jealous mess choose these jealous behaviors as their best attempt to get what they want. Typically what jealous people want is for their partner to have no romantic interest in other people.

If you are a jealous mess, ask yourself the question, Is my behavior really causing my partner to want to be with me exclusively? When you honestly look at your behavior, you are going to have to admit that everything you are doing is pushing your loved one right into the arms of an understanding, non-jealous person.

Do you think your behavior is attractive? Do you actually believe that engaging in this crazy behavior will keep your partner devoted to you, and only you, for the rest of your life?

When you actually take the time to honestly answer those questions, you know what you are doing isn’t helping your cause.

So now what? It’s time to understand that you, and only you, are in charge of your behavior. When you feel compelled to engage in behavior you know is destructive, it is because you are having thoughts that lead to feelings that generate the destructive behavior. The place in that cycle where you have the most control is your thinking.

Next time you begin to feel jealous, ask yourself, What am I thinking right now that is creating these feelings of jealousy? Is what I’m thinking true? Is it really true? How do I know? What evidence is there to indisputably support this story I’m telling myself? What other story could I invent that would create loving feelings instead? What thoughts could I think that will lead to trust? What thoughts will help me be the person I really want to be in this relationship?

Change your story, change your life. Stop being a victim of repetitive behavior as if you have no control. The only person who can change this perpetuating cycle is you. So choose something different today!

This article originally appeared on YourTango. Check out Kim Olver’s book, Secrets of Happy Couples, for tips on what to do when you are a jealous mess. She talks about the four roots of jealousy and what to do about them.