All posts by Em & Lo

How Do I Ease Into Kink with a New Partner?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

My bf and I have been together for about 3 months, and have been sexually active for about 4. My thing is, he has a domination kink. And while the idea of it (spanking, hair pulling, choking…) is appealing to me, the few times we have engaged in such activities, I haven’t enjoyed them as much as I would have hoped. Granted, we never really have eased into things, and we were both either tipsy or other such reasons. I want to try things like bondage and light domination but I’m worried. What do I do?

— Don’t Call Me Ms. Steele

Leave your advice for D.C.M.M.S. in the comments section below.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: March 2nd, 2015

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photo via flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Ask lots of questions this week to determine which hottie is best suited to fill your needs. Or should we say feel your “needs”?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The next time you’re in the presence of that special someone, stamp your left foot three times, cluck like a chicken and then turn around and give them a good moon. There’s no way they’ll be able to resist your charming and mysterious ways.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Someone you least expect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. Dig deep and find out all you can about a potential lover before you go any further. Feel free to sleep over (this will give you a chance to snoop in their medicine cabinet), but no hanky panky.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can’t lose if you get out and mingle with interesting people this week. We’re not saying that you won’t put your foot in your mouth three or four times (if you’re not sure she’s pregnant, don’t ask when the baby is due), and we’re not saying that you’ll go home with a pocketful of phone numbers (one if you’re lucky), and we’re not saying that the DJ will play all the songs you request — especially if you keep requesting “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” at your local bar. However, overall, on the balance, you’ll come out ahead. We think it’s worth taking the chance and stepping outside.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Isn’t it always the way: you have a few drinks, meet someone with a sparkle in their eye, exchange a few meaningful life stories, find out all these things you have in common, take off each other’s clothes and look deep into each other’s eyes before passing out, only to wake up three hours later to realize that the sparkle was the way the light hit their glasses, that the only thing you have in common is a fondness for “House of Cards,” and that they apparently don’t wash very regularly. Occasionally, it works out and people end up getting married this way. But it’s rare. To be on the safe side, get to know new friends first, fondle them later.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your horoscope says that you don’t have to end up alone if you don’t choose to. But that’s kakapootie. Sure, you can always be with someone, as long as standards aren’t an issue for you. (“No personality, no manners, no kissing skills, no permanent address? No problem!”) Let’s stick to the other part of your horoscope which says that if you just get out and do what you do best, you’ll be the center of attention. Now that’s a ‘scope we can get behind.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is a pretty good week to meet someone at a work-related event. So dig deep for your last ounce of company morale and show up for that stupid capture-the-flag event your boss organized “to get everyone pumped.” Because who knows? Next week, you might be chased down by a coworker. Or, you could just get fired.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will have a magnetic allure this week. Just be sure not to hang out next to your credit cards in case that magneticism rubs off.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Easy there, pardner, you’re frightening the horses. Your attempts to go from zero to intimacy in sixty seconds may seem to you like “enthusiasm” but to others it reeks of desperation. If you’re having trouble playing it cool, just imagine your date naked…uh…make that, pretend your date got a hold of some bad seafood and is now puking out your car window.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You may be desperate, but no one need know it but us. So go on that blind date your relative wants to set you up on and act like like it’s no big deal. We won’t tell anyone that this could be your last shot at true romantic happiness.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Don’t rule out spending some quality time with someone who interests you romantically. Likewise, don’t rule out spending some cold hard cash on someone who interests you romantically. If the witty repartee and fun dates don’t get you the results you want, the presents will.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
One of us (and we’ll never tell which) was a cheerleader in high school. It’s not a source of pride. Don’t make us relive those painful memories by having us metaphorically whip out the pom-poms and give you your own personal pep rally right here. Whatever it is you’ve been thinking about doing, just go for it! ‘Nuff said.

MORE AWESOME STUFF ON EMandLO.com:

Blog Snog: Photos of Kansas City’s 1960s Drag Scene

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YourTango: 10 reasons every woman needs a male BFF (as written by a man).
The Frisky: Seven rules for fighting fair with your partner, according to science.
Pop Sugar: If Disney Princesses met their Princes on Tinder
Nerve: Photos from Kansas City’s 1960’s drag scene.
150 Shades of Play: Now you’ve seen the movie, learn how to do all that stuff without losing an eye… or your sense of humor!

LELO’s First Movie Explores Modern Intimacy… Without Sex Toys

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photo via LELO

You may know LELO as the creator of some of your favorite pleasure objects, but now they would also like you to think of them as movie people… though it’s all still in the interest of intimacy.

Sex toy skeptics like to claim that bedside accessories reduce intimacy, inserting a piece of high-end silicone where two bodies meet. Nervous men worry that bringing a sex toy into the bedroom will make them suddenly dispensable to their wife or girlfriend. But we’ve always known otherwise: the right kind of sex toy can actually bring a couple closer in bed, helping them explore new sensations and fantasies. And when a couple gets closer in bed, that intimacy spills over into the rest of their relationships.

As it turns out, the right kind of sex toy company can bring a couple closer, too — both in and out of the bedroom. LELO, ever at the head of the pack, will release its first feature movie this summer, called Beyond the Wave. It will be the world’s first ever mainstream movie produced by a sex toy company.

No, it’s not a Fifty Shades knock-off — in fact, there’s not a single sex toy in the entire movie. No Red Room of Pain, no whips, no paddles, not even a pair of fuzzy hands. What there is is a smart take on modern intimacy, in a post-apocalyptic world where men and women choose to live apart. Beyond the Wave, starring Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers, Sleepy Hollow), Emilie Ohana (Paris, Je t’aime) and newcomer Zhu Wei Ling, examines the importance of understanding someone else’s perspective. On the surface it’s a love story, but it’s also a reminder about how to enrich relationships in an increasingly individualistic and divided world.

And here’s the sexy part: There is a special extended interactive trailer that can only be watched with someone else — ideally your other half! Called the PlayTogether experience, it’s the first ever movie trailer that requires a partner. (So there you go, all you naysayers who say that smartphones, like sex toys, are reducing intimacy!) You and your loved one put your smartphones side by side, and the trailer displays across both of them — then you have to decide, together, which scenes to watch next.

“By bringing couples closer,” says Steve Thomson, LELO‘s Head of Marketing, “PlayTogether encourages them not merely to sit in the same room but to engage with each other’s point-of- view. The trailer becomes a catalyst for a rich, shared experience.”

Though no LELO products are featured in Beyond the Wave, the movie’s title is a cheeky nod to customer feedback about the brand’s Ina Wave device, launched last year. According to Thomson, “Many testers commented that the Ina Wave was ‘better than sex’ or ‘there was no need for relationships anymore.’ That really got everyone at LELO thinking hard about our brand’s responsibility.”

You can watch the solo trailer for Beyond the Wave at the top of this post, and you can go behind the scenes of the movie here. But for the full interactive experience, find a loved one (or a lusted after one!) and sync up your smartphones here. There’s no need to download any software or apps — you simply need to share the regular trailer on Twitter or Facebook, and then the extended trailer will unlock. Popcorn optional. Because only LELO could make a movie trailer feel like extended foreplay.

PlayTogether Here!

When His Mouth Says “Booty Call” But His Body Says “Relationship”

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romance_ocean_couple photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I met this guy who is really sweet and nice. He is 20 and I am 21. We’ve hung out a few times and I am starting to like him. Then, I saw him at a fraternity party the other night (although he does not go to my college) and he barely said hi. I was walking with one of my guy friends when I ran into him. He told my friend he was too “sweaty and gross” and had to go.

Then the next morning he texted my best friend (the one that kind of set us up) and asked her if she had fun the night before. She said yes and asked him if he did and he said he “found a cute girl and stuck with her all night.” My best friend texted him back and said “oh so no more cam?” And he said “i am still interested and i still like her, she is really cool…i just don’t want a girlfriend right now, is she down with that?” My friend said that he should talk to me about that and he said we should all hang out soon. This is so out of the blue…he definitely does not act like he just wants a hook up, but now I am unsure of what to do…

— Hopeless in Seattle

Dear H.i.S.,

Hmmm, let’s see: What makes you think that “he definitely does not act like he just wants a hook up”? Does he like to cuddle? Is he fascinated by your thoughts on neoclassical architecture? Does he like to tell you about his day or whine about his Mom? Does he want to take you to brunch the next morning? And yet he tells your best friend — 100% sure that she will pass the info onto you — that he just doesn’t want a girlfriend right now. What we have here is a classic case of intimacy lite, also sometimes known as casual intimacy.

If you’ve ever spooned your booty call or held hands with your one-night stand, you’re familiar with intimacy lite. If both parties are fully onboard with the lite nature of the intimacy, it’s perfectly natural — everyone needs a cuddle sometimes, and even the most ardent commitment-phobe among us misses snuggling and nuzzling and — eww, okay, we’ll stop (like dirty talk, all that stuff should be kept in the bedroom; talking about it out of context makes our assholes contract).

Anyway, commitment-phobes (i.e. 99.9% of male college students) are especially prone to indulging in intimacy lite, and this often sends a mixed message, because if his mouth is saying one thing and his body is saying another, then you’re probably going to listen to whichever message you like best. Sure, he might tell you that that the sex doesn’t mean anything, but does brunch invalidate that sort of agreement? Not in our book — but plenty of tenderhearted young things out there might think so. All crushed up, you refuse to believe that sometimes, someone simply needs help finishing the crossword, or wants company at brunch because all their good friends are brunching with their significant others

To make a sweeping generalization (Who, us? Never!), men are most often the culprits in cases of misinterpreted intimacy lite, perhaps because they dominate the ranks of the commitment-phobic. It’s not just getting free milk — it’s having Bessie listen to you ramble on about your problems at work, too: a mini-me relationship on tap, whenever you need a top-up.

If someone regularly engages in intimacy lite, we like to refer to them as a “sampler,” i.e. a man — or, yes, sometimes a woman — who subsists on a diet of sex and relationship “samplers.” You know how some supermarkets offer tastings of new products in every aisle? If you’re a cheapskate (and not a germaphobe), you can make a meal of it — melon squares in aisle 1, cheese and ham at the deli counter, brownies over in aisle 7. Keep doing laps, avoid making too much eye contract with the product rep, and sample away. In the world of hooking up, samplers ensure a balanced diet by relying heavily on light intimacy from multiple product reps.

So, what does this mean for you? Well, if intimacy lite sounds like a fun way to pass the Spring semester to you, then go ahead and keep taking his calls. But if you really want to be his girlfriend, then we recommend moving on and not letting him sample any more of your, ahem, melon squares.

Lunch ladies,

Em & Lo

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8 Easy Ways to Tell If It’s Love… Or Lust

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by Caithlin Pena for YourTango | photo via Flickr

Love, lust: it’s easy to confuse the two, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Both emotions make you feel a kind of bliss that you’ve never experienced before – which is wonderful and joyous and something to celebrate – but make sure you know the difference between the two. Need a little help? Here’s a few clues:

1. When you’re in lust, you dress to the NINES. Maybe even the TENS. Obviously, there’s no harm in trying to look good for your significant other, especially when you’re first courting each other. But we all know dressing (and looking) like you’re going to Fashion Week each time you step out for a date takes a sh*t-ton of effort, not to mention money!

When you’re in love, you might forget to wear pants. Are you wearing a shirt? Check. Shoes? Check. Pants? Oops! On those exciting Friday nights where you end up pacing the aisles of Costco to stock up on frozen pizzas and Lucky Charms cereal, comfort = love.

2. When you’re in lust, you look past their foolishness. Things are so hot & heavy, it’s easy to look past minor “annoyances” (that laugh, that money problem, that MOTHER) that may turn into larger issues down the road.

When you’re in love, you point out their mistakes. You love them, which is why you want them to be a better person. And if they love you, they’ll accept the (constructive) criticism and try to be a better person not just for you but for themselves, too.

3. When you’re in lust, you say what they want to hear. You constantly aim to please. When they ask you a question, you’re more apt to reply with a “safe” answer, even though it might not fully express how you feel. (You figure you’ll get to that later, right?)

When you’re in love, you keep it real. You don’t agree with everything they’re saying and you clearly state that. Having different views and opinions from your significant other doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not a good match; it just means that SHOCKER: You’re different people. And that’s okay. Healthy debate is good and normal and helpful at seeing things from another perspective.

4. When you’re in lust, the person you’re with is a Greek God/Goddess. Or rather, try this analogy: a perfectly-shaped cookie with no dents or chipped corners. But hate to break-it-to-you: even perfect-looking cookies have burnt sides (even if they’re not visible at first).

When you’re in love, they’re more like a Greek God/Goddess statue missing it’s arm. Perfectly imperfect, just like you! Pretending to be anything other than that is exhausting and oh: A LIE.

5. When you’re in lust, you don’t really know them. Sure, you know their favorite color is blue and their favorite food is macaroni and cheese. But that’s surface level-stuff. You haven’t dug down deep – and girl, that tunnel is LONG.

When you’re in love, you know small insignificant details. Their favorite color is blue because when they were little, it was their mother’s favorite color to dress them up in. Their favorite food is mac & cheese because it’s the comfort food their Grandma always made them when they went to visit. These small, seemingly insignificant details are intimate parts of their past and who they is. And you know all these little, beautiful factoids because you took the time to really get to know them – and better even, you still want to know more.

6. When you’re in lust, you don’t feel comfortable talking to them about your problems. Talking about your problem can help ease stress and tension. But you prefer to talk about them with someone you trust. And let’s face it, you’re just not at that ride-or-die stage yet.

When you’re in love, you’ll talk to them about, well, basically everything. You know you love someone when you can trust them with the most minor (and major!) issues you’re having, not matter how weird/trivial/embarrassing they are. You know that they’ll listen without judgement. That’s love.

7. When you’re in lust, silence is awkward. Which is either filled with rambling or make-out sessions. No objection to make-out sessions, of course, but the fact that you both find the silence awkward is a sign of discomfort.

When you’re in love, silence is welcomed. When you run out of conversation topics, you don’t feel like you need to fill the silence with something else. You just let the silence sit comfortably. The void is welcome.

8. When you’re in lust, the future is unknown. Yes, you’re enjoying every moment you have with them right now. You love their attention, the dates, and the feeling of pure bliss. But when you look at the long run, you have absolutely no idea what the next few months (or years!) will hold. It’s a little scary.

When you’re in love, you welcome thoughts of the future. Whether you marry or not is up to you both, but can you see yourself sitting side-by-side on matching rickety rocking chairs? Does the idea of that give you something to look forward to? Do you picture bad vacations, fights over trivial things, and (gasp!) babies and can’t imagine anyone else taking this journey with you? Then, you’re totally and utterly in love.

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How to Have Kinky Sex with Your Vanilla Husband

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photo via Wikimedia Commons

Reader subgirl said the following in response to our post, “He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?” Heads up, everyone in a mixed-cone, chocolate-swirl-slash-vanilla relationship, there is hope!

I am a submissive woman and I have a wonderful vanill-ish husband who plays along with me. We communicate our needs to one another. Anyone who tells you this is only about humiliation and degradation and weak women getting walked on like door mats has watched too much porn. Absolutely be true to yourself. I could not agree more with that statement.

BUT if you’re going to agree to get involved with a kinky partner then please, for the love of god, go learn something about it. There are many books on the subject.

Do not ever take another person’s fantasies and make them your own. If you are open to exploring, then try to discover your own fantasies, likes and dislikes, and then communicate them. And any Dom worth a squat will want you to learn, on your own, from many sources.

The lifestyle can actually make a relationship very close and intimate if you learn about it, work it like a journey, and open up communication with your partner. You do not ever have to be into pain or bondage to be involved in the lifestyle.

And I am anything but a mindless door mat.

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How Do Men Feel About PDA?

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photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What’s the general guy consensus on PDA?”

Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): For some reason, I only clock public displays of affection in nightclubs or on the London Underground. I have no idea what’s so sexy about these squalid subterranean Victorian spaces. Maybe it’s the heat or the filth or the drugs or the angry-commuter tension… but whatever it is, it drives couples to that kind of necking when you can’t make out where one tongue ends and the other begins, and it sounds like they’re actually eating each other. Personally, I prefer my PDA a little more, well, girly. I like to hold hands. I also like to hug and lock eyes with the woman I love, and give her the occasional peck on the check. She likes it too. So it works for me, but the fact that just admitting this makes me feel less of man leads me to believe that I’m far from typical — and maybe even more of a freak than those horn-dogs dry humping on the dance floor of a soulless super-club.

Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross): I always find seeing someone else perform PDA mildly distasteful and it usually makes me want to throw up a little bit in my mouth. But to each his or her own. It’s a free country. Serious canoodling and make-out sessions in plain view are excusable only if you are a teenager or highly intoxicated, and even then, please, just get a room. But I’m not a soulless monster. I know the feeling of wanting to show the world your love. Do whatever feels good, just know people will be disgusted by you. Personally, I engage in minimal amounts of PDA with my husband, and that makes the occasional and spontaneous hand-hold or sidewalk kiss all the more enjoyable.

Straight Single Guy (Chris): I probably am not speaking for the whole single male population, but I am not a huge fan of public displays of affection. Of course I hold hands, or hug or kiss now and then, but I am definitely of the opinion that making out should be done in private.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook of Manflet, our Straight Single Guy is Chris DiClerico, and our Gay Married Guy is Jon Ross. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor,” for Bachelors (Bali)

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via ABC.com

Wow, what happened to the all the world travel the contestants on (and viewers of) The Bachelor/ette have come to know and love? They really kept it real (and cheap) this season, by limiting the majority of the shooting to the continental United States. Santa Fe, the Badlands, Arlington, Iowa? Pretty much the least colorful places in America. Could the producers have felt a sense of responsibility to keep the ladies’ expectations in check, considering where the one lucky “winner” would eventually end up (i.e. Bumblefuck, USA)? Even the fantasy-suite trip seemed a lot less glamorous than usual. Don’t get us wrong, Bali looked cool and amazing — we would enjoy seeing the old temples and the ways of rural village life ourselves. But it also looked damned hot and humid (poor Kaitlyn’s hair looked like someone dumped a bowl of spaghetti over her head). And we would have been inclined to spend the entirety of our time in the fantasy suite checking Prince Farming for monkey lice. But maybe something can be said for dialing back the glam and giving contestants a better shot at falling in love (or not) with the person rather than the experience.

Since clearly Chris was in the driver’s seat of this love bus and all three ladies were just along for the ride this week (having all admitted to actively falling for him), the best love lessons to be gleaned from this episode seemed to be rules solely applicable to hetero bachelors:

When a woman tells you she’s a virgin, don’t A) sigh, B) say “I knew it!” and C) equate their intact hymen with added value.
If you’re over eighteen and you’re dating an adult female, she’s a “woman,” not a “girl.” Got it? Good. (While we’re at it, don’t use the word “gay” or “retarded” to describe something you don’t like, and don’t use the word “bitch” or “pussy” to describe guy friends you’re making fun of.)*
Even if you feel like you are falling in love with more than person, don’t actually tell both/all of them that. Follow traditional Bachelor rules and keep it to yourself until you figure your shit out. Otherwise, you’re just giving someone false hope, making your inevitable breakup with them even more painful. And let’s be honest, odds are you’re not going to end up in a legitimate polyamorous relationship (the sister wife thing doesn’t play well in the real world).
Every guy should have a non-judgmental, supportive friend like Chris Harrison with whom he can talk about his relationship troubles and his deepest feelings, without the fear of being called a “bitch” or a “pussy.”
We’ve said it once, we’ll say it again: It’s alright to cry…In public…On national television…Especially when you break up with a nice, cool woman…Who is going to be the next Bachelorette…And make you really regret dumping her in the first place. Being in touch with your feelings makes up for your piss-poor judgment.

*Not that we’ve ever heard Chris Farming use those words.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”

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The Best (and Worst) Quotes from the 2015 Oscars

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Speeches about equal pay for women and gay rights…equal opportunity objectification (thanks, Neil!)…straight men being sensitive and highly emotional about their mothers…more jokes about balls than boobs…anyone would think it was 2015 out there! Here are our favorite quotes from the Oscars last night:

“I tried to commit suicide at 16, and now I’m standing here. I would like for this moment to be for that kid out there who feels like she doesn’t fit in anywhere. You do. Stay weird. Stay different, and then when it’s your turn and you are standing on this stage please pass the same message along.” — Graham Moore, accepting the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay for The Imitation Game

“If I may, call your mom. If you’re lucky enough to have parents or two alive on this planet…Don’t text, don’t email. Call them on the phone tell them you love them. Talk to them for as long as they want to hear you. Thank you, mom and dad.” — J.K. Simmons, accepting the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for Whiplash

“To every woman who gave birth to every taxpayer and citizen of this nation, we have fought for everybody else’s civil rights. It is our time to have wage equality once and for all and equal rights for women in the United States of America.” — Patricia Arquette, accepting the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for Boyhood (to enthusiastic cheers from Meryl and J.Lo. who basically stormed the stage in her support, see photo above)

“Benedict Cumberbatch: It’s not only the most awesome name in show business. It’s also the sound you get when you ask John Travolta to pronounce ‘Ben Affleck.'” — host Neil Patrick Harris

“They are four women. Plus — in accordance with California state law — Meryl Streep.” — Jared Leto introducing the best supporting actress nominees

“Our next film is amazing. I’m blown away right now myself. [tearing up] Our next nominee for best picture reveals how the visionary father of modern computing Alan Turing helps defeat the Nazis only to have his own greatness stripped away from him for his sexual orientation.” — Terrence Howard, introducing The Imitation Game (as he began to get choked up, most people assumed he was going to introduce Selma)

“Good luck charms work … tonight I am wearing the real Michael Keaton’s tightie-whities. They are tight and smell like balls.” — Alejandro González Iñárritu, accepting the Oscar for Best Director for Birdman

“I read an article that said that winning an Oscar could lead to living five years longer. If that’s true, I’d like to thank the Academy because my husband is younger than me.” — Julianne Moore, accepting the Best Actress Oscar for Still Alice (and for the record, he’s not just younger than her, he’s nine years younger!)

“Who gave this son of a bitch his green card? Birdman!” — Sean Penn, presenting the Best Picture Oscar to Birdman

“We don’t stand here alone, it’s possible through the great organisations that support us. The disclosures that Edward Snowden revealed aren’t only a threat to privacy but to democracy, when the most important decisions made affect all of us. Thank you to Edward Snowden.” — Laura Poitras, accepting the Best Documentary Oscar for Citizenfour

“Welcome to the 87th Oscars. Tonight we honor Hollywood’s best and whitest — sorry, brightest.” — host Neil Patrick Harris, in one of the rare funny jokes of the night

“Our next presenter is not only the star of the record breaker for biggest February premiere ever, Fifty Shades of Grey, she’s also the reason you had to explain to your grandmother what a spanking bench is.” — host Neil Patrick Harris, introducing Dakota Johnson

And, finally, the very worst quote of the night happened backstage:

“Fear is the condom of life. It doesn’t allow you to enjoy things.” — Oscar-winning Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu

Seriously, dude? It’s one thing to make fun of the ball-sweating properties of tight-whities. That’s funny, and also, it makes us think of balls during a night when it’s mostly golden globes on display. But don’t go giving condoms a bad name!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 23rd, 2015

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grandcentral_ceiling_421 photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Alice wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary when she fell into Wonderland, and it was simply her curious nature that led her to follow the instructions “Eat me” and “Drink me” (either that or a heretofore undetected history of substance abuse). One might say you’re a sort of Alice — free-spirited, independent, tempestuous. Go along your merry way, and before you know it you’ll have Mad Hatters and Cheshire Cats inviting you over for tea. (Just avoid the little blue pills, if you know what we mean.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
People are strange, when you’re a stranger, faces look ugly, when you’re alone. Yeah, we know Jim Morrison died at twenty-seven, wrote god-awful poetry and had a tendency to pull out his penis on stage, but the man had a point: socializing can look strange and ugly from the outside. But some strangers have good candy, and some of them look as good in black leather as the Doors frontman. This week, approach the oddest ball in the room and befriend him/her. At the very least, you’ll get a one-night stand with a beautiful stranger.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Fire needs three elements to keep burning: heat, fuel and oxygen. (We can’t remember if we learned that from science class or The Towering Inferno, but we’re sure it’s true.) Let’s say that fire is a good relationship, and heat is passion, oxygen is compatibility and fuel is the work you put into it. Sometimes, it feels so damn hot that you’re sure there must be a fire somewhere. But then again, maybe it’s just global warming.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Let’s draw a chart. We’re mapping your fun level against the number of nights you hit the town with your friends. Do you see the trajectory? Do you observe how more nights out equals more fun for you? And do you see that “fun recession” in the middle there? That’s what happens when you try to go one-on-one with someone. Hold off on that for a while — your personal economy is not stable enough to bear this burden just yet.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
There’s nothing like a secret affair: the excitement, the danger, the whispers in the ear, the knowing glances, the late night calls, the waiting by the phone, the little white lies, the unplanned weekends, the last-minute cancellations, the bottled-up emotions, the distrust, the deception, the jealousy, the fighting, the yelling… On second thought, think twice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You can wrangle your way into anyone’s heart faster than a worm into an apple. Except not so gross. We know that most people don’t like finding a worm (or worse, half a worm) in their apple, but trust us, you’re the loveable kind of larva. When people see you, they don’t shriek, “Gross!” Instead, they think, “How lovely that this apple is obviously farm-grown and pesticide-free!” While we’re on the subject: Don’t forget to patronize your local farmers’ markets.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be in the mood to let your inhibitions go this week. Instead of downing a fifth of gin to accomplish this goal, just focus on your heart’s desires, swallow your pride, be completely honest and true intimacy will be yours. Then you can get loaded to help yourself forget what a cheeseball you’ve become.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ve heard it all before: “Life is short. Seize the day. You only get one shot, so live it to the fullest. No regrets!” But have you really listened? It’s hard to keep the big picture in mind when you’re bogged down with the disappointments, conflicts and embarrassments of the day-to-day. But you don’t want to be on your deathbed, right before that light goes out, and suddenly be struck by the awful existential question, “What if?” Chances are, at that point you’ll be less concerned with the fact that forty years earlier you made an ass of yourself by taking a chance and confessing your true feelings to the one you love. There’s even a chance they’ll be by your bedside holding your hand at the end. (Sniffle, sniffle.).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Not everyone knows a sure thing when they see it — if they did, we’d all be Microsoft millionaires by now. But allow us, if you will, to share a little stock tip for the week: you’re the sure thing! As long as you’re out and about, you can’t lose — you’ll be more sought after that William Shatner at a Trekkies singles convention.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Driving anywhere outside of New York City, if you want to change lanes, you signal, check for an opening, make sure the other driver has seen you and then carefully move over, all the while maintaining a steady speed. For decades, drivers have found that this leads to a harmonious, crash-free driving experience. In New York, on the other hand, your “signal” is to start edging into the next lane and instead of checking that the other driver has seen you, you just honk really loudly. Sounds like hell, right? You should see the road rage. This week, if you’re thinking of getting into (or out of) a serious relationship, think of it like lane-sharing: you could do it like New Yorkers, or you could do it like the rest of the world. Which do you think is better? (It’s not a trick question.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
In made-for-TV movies and daytime soap operas, you can always tell when someone is lying about their past. The music takes a turn for the ominous, the liar’s eyes shift repeatedly, left to right, right to left, and then we’re treated to a flashback scene that shows us what really happened. If only life came equipped with such cues. This week, you’ll need to rely on your detective skills and keep your eyes peeled for more subtle hints that things are not what they appear.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If it’s the thought that counts, then stand up and be counted! You’ve got thoughtfulness by the truckload. Use it before it all goes to waste! You’ll be surprised: thoughtfulness is the high-octane fuel of good relationships.