All posts by Em & Lo

Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-07-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421 photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Whoever you’re currently with is going to hate us for this one (you yourself may even be a little bummed), but we recommend having the “Let’s just be friends” conversation with you-know-who. Hey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles when you realize that what you want and what you’ve got are two different things. If you wait, you could very well be on the receiving end of a conversation like this.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week is going to kick tushy for Tauruses (Tauri?) everywhere! Maybe you’ll meet the man or woman or your dreams! Maybe you’ll win the lottery! Maybe you’ll hit inbox zero! Maybe you’ll just feel so irrationally cheerful that you’ll use exclamation points all day!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re interested in an a-hole. Get over him or her and move on. Have a nice day.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If we had to describe you as an article of clothing this week, you’d be a pair of sexy fishnet stockings. Or those really skinny metallic jeans that will be in style for the next ten minutes. If we had to describe you as an animal this week, you’d be a fox. If we had to describe you as a stock, we’d say, “Buy, buy, buy!” If we had to describe you as an egg this week, we’d say, you’ll get laid. Often.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve been laying the foundations for weeks; it’s finally time to lay some — oh, don’t make us actually say it. Go get ’em, tiger!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Robert De Niro has made like five hundred movies. But do you ever hear him gush to Us Weekly about the importance of date nights or his wife’s pet name for him or how he likes to keep the fires burning? We wouldn’t say that this reticence has improved his success rate at relationships (how many different baby mamas does he have, again?), but we have a feeling that — for Bobby, at least — discretion, is in fact what keeps the fires burning. Think about that next time you get tipsy during office happy hour.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We’re so sick of these cheesy, formulaic Hollywood-machine movies with their pat lessons on love and life: Follow your heart, Julia Roberts/Sandra Bullock/Reese Witherspoon insist. In real life, that’s exactly what leads to being left at the altar with a bun in the oven and no money. Think with your head this week. Heck, think with your willie/weegeena if you have to. Just be sure to ignore your heart.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your independent and confident approach to life will attract any lover you want this week. Choose wisely and it could turn into a long-lasting relationship. Choose poorly and you’ll spend an excruciating evening hearing about the nasty fungus infection your date contracted at the public swimming pool. But look on the bright side: we don’t think fungus infections are contagious.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you wouldn’t buy a car from a fast-talking salesman, why would you buy a line from a fast-talking pick-up artist? Be a smart booty consumer and shop around for the best deal out there.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
There’s nothing wrong with playing the field. You’ve been training hard and you’re at the top of your game. Just make sure everyone is playing by the same rules.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll want to get out and party this week. Heck, don’t we all? If you’re going to be snarky with all your co-workers and too hungover to get any work done because you raged on a school night, you may as well make it worthwhile. So go some place you’ve never been before. If that’s shaking things up a bit too much for ya, at least visit your local hangout on a different night (we hear Tuesday is the new Thursday) so you’ll encounter a different group of regulars.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Normally we hate to resort to cliches when it comes to telling your horoscope (ahem). But this week, nothing says it better: getting lucky will be like shooting fish in a barrel, as long as you get out of your La-Z-Boy and interact with a few people. And hey, if you’re really that lazy, we know a phone number or two you could call to get laid right in that comfy ol’ chair.

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The Whisper App Will Make You Despair for Humanity

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photo via flickr

All the buzz right now about anonymous secret-sharing apps like Whisper, Secret, and Yik Yak makes us feel really old — after all, PostSecret has been doing this for almost a decade already. The main difference, of course, is that PostSecret requires you to put some thought into your secret: You mail a homemade postcard to the website, and they publish a selection of their favorites. Apps like Whisper open up the secret sharing to anyone with a smart phone and two working thumbs. (PostSecret launched an app a few years back, but they pulled it after only three months because there was too much abusive content.)

The other difference is more subtle: While the curation at PostSecret makes us feel like the Internet is a Good Thing and that anonymous secret-sharing can make the world a better place, the diarrhea-style secret-sharing on the apps just depresses the shit out of us. It makes us think that the whole world cheats or lies or is hampered by loneliness or regret. We’d like to think that it’s just the people who use these apps who are cheaters and liars and regretful and lonely, but the more people who sign onto the apps, the less reassuring this becomes. Here are the ten most depressing Whisper secrets we found today (just today!):

I know cheating is wrong, but it saved my marriage. It made me realize how amazing my wife truly is.
I don’t intend on marrying my gf. She’s nice, great in bed, and less hassle than finding someone new. I haven’t told her and don’t plan on it. Been together almost 4 years. Is that wrong?
Whenever I am angry with my husband for not working out, I give him more food to make him feel fat the next day.
I like having conversations with random women on the Internet, because it makes me feel like I’m rebelling against my wife’s controlling nature.
Sometimes I wonder if I got married to him because it’s comfortable not because we are meant to be.
My boyfriend of 4 years told me he didn’t want to get married until he has a lot of nice clothes and shoes. Clothes and shoes? He’s 27, with dreams of a 13 year old boy. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe it’s me.
I wish they didn’t feel like they were dating my wheelchair too.
I set up a private P.O. Box so I can order sex toy and porn without my wife knowing.
Hookup culture in the university is making me feel lonelier than ever.
I think I love my dogs more than anyone else.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

Blog Snog: Why Target Is the Absolute Best Place for a First Date

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photo via flickr

The Frisky: Infographic: The cum rang hierarchy (no, seriously).
Your Tango: Should you go to couples therapy before there’s a problem?
The Date Report: Why Target is the absolute best place for a first date.
Nerve: The 5 most awkward sex education videos in history.
Pop Sugar: Which country singer is your boyfriend?
150 Shades of Play: Get your Mother’s Day gift shopping done early! (Because moms can be kinky, too.)

Did the Ghost of My Dead Husband Visit Me in My Dreams?

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about love or sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty and/or romantic dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I dreamed that my first husband, who passed away in 2007, was lying next to me, holding me from the back, whispering something into my ear. I was trying to turn around because I didn’t know who it was. I’m currently divorced from my second husband as of last September. When I turned around and saw his face, he smiled, but I knew that he was gone and started crying and woke up. Once I woke up I really cried like a little baby. What did this dream mean? I haven’t dreamed about him in a long time, and that situation threw me off. What do you think?

Lauri: Aw, I am so sorry for your loss. I know this dream was difficult. I hope I can bring some comfort and clarity to you.

Now, I take a very practical approach to analyzing dreams and believe that everything and everyone in your dream represents a part of you or a part of your life. However, when we dream of a deceased loved one, I can’t help but feel that sometimes it may be them, certainly not every time, but sometimes. And those dreams usually feel different than other dreams. You wake from the dream still feeling their presence, sometimes even smelling their cologne or perfume. Is it wishful thinking on my part? Perhaps. But that is also coupled with research that seems to suggest dreams are a possible means of communication. So I am going to approach your dream from both schools of thought.

Psychologically speaking, what is behind you in a dream often represents your past. Your late husband is indeed a part of your past, that which is “behind” you. In the dream you try to turn around because a part of you probably wishes to go back to a happier time and to a more loving partner. He then gives you a smile. In dream psychology receiving a smile in a dream is a sign of self approval, which would mean your deeper, intuitive self feels you have done the right thing and that everything will be okay.

Spiritually speaking, who’s to say it wasn’t the spirit of your late husband coming through to you during a difficult time in your life when you feel most alone and letting you know he is still with you? In my heart I believe it is possible.

Either way, the crying you did afterwards was definitely needed and this dream served the purpose of helping you cleanse your psyche, bringing you comfort.

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

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A Love Poem for National Poetry Month

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photo via flickr

APRIL IS National Poetry Month. So to have your new book of poems be named one of the Books of the Week by Publishers Weekly this week has got to feel doubly good. Thus, a big congrats to our friend Mark Bibbins, whose new book is called “They Don’t Kill You Because They’re Hungry, They Kill You Because They’re Full.” A few weeks ago we featured his “Poem that Wants to Use Revelation 3:16 as an Epigraph.” Below is another great one from his new book. Enjoy!

By the Number 3

Can we back up and read
that sign again, the one

trying to tell us about a band
playing on a beach lined

with pine trees, very old.
If the internet doesn’t work

there you have to build
your own. Let’s rewrite

the constellations
so they read as all kinds

of fruits: here we see
the Grape Cluster reclining

just above the indigo treetops;
Can of Lychees keeps tampering

with my weekly horoscope
but I don’t know how.

Thus magic shuffles reluctantly
toward us and if you claim

you can organize it you should
be making a joke. Look

at a 3 the wrong way
and all you see is your own

wretchedness. If you look at 3
in a different way you might

see a fortunate mouth getting
ready to kiss. You used to

feel like you were always
going to the same place

but it didn’t hurt and other
times the ocean glowed

so blue it broke
half your bones.

Mark Bibbins’ “They Don’t Kill You Because They’re Hungry, They Kill You Because They’re Full” is available on Amazon.com.

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The Exact Perfect Way to Have “The Talk”

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photo via Flickr

We don’t know how we missed Julia Sweeney talking about giving The Talk to her curious 8-year-old daughter, but it’s definitely worth a reshare/revisit four years later. Parents, watch and learn (in some cases what not to do):

Nope!

It was just another in a long line of clever Internet April Fool’s jokes yesterday. Last year, our favorite pleasure object creators — LELO — “put out” the world’s first Ikea-style sex toy called GÄSM; and this year they “invented” a squeezable vibrating object called DEXTRÜS that was supposed to allow right-handed people to tap into the as-yet-unrealized creativity, intelligence, and pleasure the left-handed have enjoyed since the dawn of mankind. Hey, it sounded cool to us! And even their fake banners looked beautiful and sophisticated (see below).

Even though there is no DEXTRÜS, there is still a grand prize: a $200 gift certificate to use at LELO.com! So a big CONGRATULATIONS to our winner drawn at random: Amanda B! And thanks to everyone else who entered our LELO contest — you came really close!

So pay attention to all our future LELO contests: even when they’re not real, you can still win big!

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What Made Your Marriage Fail?

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Are you separated, divorced, or on your way there? If so, we want to hear from you. (We promise complete anonymity!) We’re working on a new project about happy-ever-afters… and not-so-happy-ever-afters… and we want to interview couples, over email, about the thing that caused their marriage to fail.

If you’re interested in sharing your story anonymously — it’s a chance to vent, or to put it all down for posterity, or to help others avoid the same pitfalls — then send us a message via our contact form here. And we’ll tawk!

Oh, and if your marriage is a gloriously happy one? Or at least reasonably satisfying? No discrimination: We want to hear from you, too. Again, anonymity is guaranteed. Just send us a message via our contact form here.

Thanks, as always, for sharing…. and over-sharing.

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Confession: The Problem with Bisexuality

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Yesterday, Nathaniel Frank gave us a male perspective on bisexuality; today, we’re getting a female perspective. In honor of the culmination of Bisexual Awareness Month yesterday, our long-time contributor Ariel E.M. Servadio wrote the following article on her recently relaunched Cephaloblog about her own bisexuality, which she’s graciously allowing us to reprint here today.

Make up your mind already.

My problem with bisexuality is not that “they just can’t decide.” My problem is not that “they’re confused.” My problem is not that “they’re being greedy”. My problem is that “they” are me, and you probably didn’t know that.

Really, it’s just not fair – bisexuals can live under the guise of being straight, and therefore conform more nicely into society somewhat unintentionally, if they just happen to only meet and date people of the opposite sex. I know this, because it’s what I’ve done all of my life.

It makes me feel guilty. In a culture where LGBTetc. rights are finally getting the respect and legal recognition that they deserve, and more people than ever are truly “out and proud,” I am hiding in plain sight. I guess I’m not out – but truthfully, I was never really in. Because I’m gay. And I’m straight. Once, in complimenting my outfit, my friend told me “You kind of look like a lesbian”¹ and I replied, “that’s funny, because I am kind of a lesbian!” Jokingly, I’ve described myself as half-lesbian, or half-gay.

Growing up, I just thought I was very open minded. I felt that for me personally, it was more about the person inside than their genitalia. I realize that’s not the case for everyone and that’s fine – that’s just how I’ve always felt. But it never really occurred to me that that person would ever be a woman, because I was only ever attracted to and dated men. Although I occasionally found myself sexually attracted to women throughout my post-pubescent life, no one needed to know about it, because I had no intentions of acting on it. I never met a woman I wanted to date. It just didn’t happen. Once, much later, I finally did meet a woman that I wanted to date, and we ended up becoming great friends instead.²

And this is really where the problem with bisexuality comes in: the truth of the matter is, I have a choice.

Let me affirm that I do not believe sexual orientation is a lifestyle choice in any way, shape or form. To quote Lady GaGa, “I was born this way, baby.” But I do, perhaps to the detriment of our already quavering reputation, think that bisexuals have a choice in the way they live their lives. Regardless of whether I’m born with an attraction to both men and women or not, if I only seek romantic relationships with the opposite sex out of societal conditioning, convenience, fear or utter cluelessness, I can live an easier, more socially acceptable, straight life.

I could spend the rest of my life choosing not to pursue romantic relationships with the same sex and live as a heterosexual, as far as everyone else knows. If federal and state laws don’t go my way and don’t respect homosexuals as human beings that deserve the same rights as all other human beings, no sweat – I can marry a man, adopt a child with him, whatever I want, and everyone will be 1) none the wiser and 2) never disgusted by how I live my life.

And that’s just not fucking fair.

You can’t help who you fall in love with, that is true – I mean, hey, I’m as big a fan of Chasing Amy as anyone. But is it unrealistic to think that I can, and have, influenced my sexual orientation over the years by unconsciously not considering women dateable? Being straight is so easy, so smiled upon, so normal – who would choose to live any other way?

No one would, and that is why it is a certainty that sexuality is inherent. I guess in a sense, we all do have a choice when it comes to sexuality: to be happy and live as who we truly are, or to be unhappy and socially acceptable. And anyone who chooses unhappiness, despite how much society shits on you otherwise, is choosing wrong. Your happiness is everything. The entire point of life is to be happy – why choose anything else?

What my problem ultimately comes down to is this – if I never date and fall in love with a girl, I could live the rest of my life as a straight woman. But I’m not going to. Because whether I ever end up doing so or not, I know that I would, and I won’t limit myself with a binary label. I’ve made up my mind: I’m bisexual.

^{1. She sincerely meant this in the best way possible – she loves lesbians. ↩}

^{2. This can be a problem with women, I’ve found – real crushes can turn into friend crushes which can turn into incredible friendships with no romantic possibility, ever. Sigh, the sapphic life. ↩}

Craig Ferguson perfectly articulates my feelings about coffee, tea and bisexuality:

Visit Ariel E.M. Servadio at CEPHALOBLOG!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-31-14

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grandcentral_ceiling_421 photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you accept the first offer that comes along, you’ll never know how many more you might have had to choose from. Don’t listen to your friends who tell you that you’re being “selfish” by making people wait for an answer. They’re just jealous that they’re not more in demand.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t settle just to get a date on Thursday. It’s like Amanda Jones says at the end of Some Kind of Wonderful: “I’d rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You sleep over; they think it’s serious. You buy them flowers; they fall a little harder. You say, “I love you”; they think you mean it. You go down on them…oh wait, never mind. Think before you act this week: Are you prepared to accept the consequences?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be confused about love this week (join the club). And if you’re confused, it’s probably not a good time to make any rash decisions. Especially since once you make your mind up about something, you tend to defend that decision with much pomp and circumstance, even if everyone in the world — including you — knows it’s a bad one. Try being shy and reserved for once. It won’t work for very long, but it’ll at least get you through the week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Yield for pleasure. Everything’s coming up roses. Everything’s going your way. Hey, is that a bluebird on your shoulder? Your sex life is going to take a turn for the spicy this week, whether that means your long-time love finally agrees to try a third position, that hottie finally returns your call, or you finally figure out how to get invited to an orgy.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When Charles Schwab was asked once how he did so well in the financial markets (actually, we’re guessing he got asked that pretty much every freakin’ day of his life), he said, “By always selling too early.” You would do well to apply his advice to your love life: Sure, it’s hard to cash out when you’re having so much fun playing the market, but the longer you try to play the game, the more likely you are to end up stone-broke or loveless.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
A really easy short-cut to happiness, satisfaction, and contentedness is to tailor your goals to make them attainable. Or at least, pick a few new, short-term, easily accomplishable goals to add to your list. Like maybe “Have a fling” should be added to your list, right above “Find a soulmate and settle down for a lifelong relationship that includes communication, great sex, three kids, and a loyal and well-behaved golden retriever.”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re likely to attract all sorts of interest while you’re out and about this week. However, not all of it will be to your advantage. Maybe you don’t want the parking officer so “interested” in whether or not you’re re-feeding the meter. And maybe you don’t want your boss so “interested” in how much of your day you spend IM-ing with your friends. And maybe, just maybe, you don’t want your mother “interested” in your collection of avant-garde porn. All we’re saying is, if you insist on wearing the pink tutu and making your armpit “sing” the “Golden Girls” theme song, make sure that’s what you want to be noticed for.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It’s set-up city this week. A friend, a relative, a co-worker perhaps, will hook you up with a possibility. Resistance is futile. Submit! And don’t be shy: You’re a star and they’re an astronomer. Which could just mean they’re a total dork, but it’s always nice to be liked.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Everything is funnier in threes except sex. Threeways? They totally suck (if you don’t agree, then you’ve been watching too much porn). Love triangles? They suck harder. Two Girls and a Guy? Don’t even get us started on how bad that movie sucked. If you must have group sex, make it a fourway so no one’s piggy in the middle. If you must enter a love triangle, please don’t kid yourself that it’s going to end in anything but tears (well, tears and mindblowing sex, probably). And if you must rent a Robert Downey Jr. movie, make it Iron Man or Only You.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Turn off your judge-O-meter. Focus on the good qualities of your romantic interest, not their real or imagined wussiness.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it’ll be like everyone’s wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they’re sober or sloshed.

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Blog Snog: The Rise of “Ghosting”

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photo via Date Report

The Date Report: The rise of ghosting (i.e. “And then I never heard from them again”).
The Frisky: 12 tips for “consciously uncoupling” like Gwyneth and Chris.
Your Tango: This is what real love looks and feels like.
Tres Sugar: “Promposals” are the new proposals.
Nerve: A look inside the buckwild parties at underground skate parks.

Tell Us Your Viagra Story!

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Does your partner use Viagra for erectile dysfunction or just recreationally? Have you used it yourself, for whatever reason? If so, we want to hear from you! We’re working on an article for a new national health and wellbeing magazine about the pros and cons of Viagra use in relationships and marriages. ANONYMITY GUARANTEED! If you’ve got some experience with this drug, please write to us via our contact form, selecting “Interview Me for Your Article!” from the pull down menu — and be sure to include your age, relationship-status, a sentence or two about your experience, and your email address so we can reach you directly (we will not share your address with anyone). Looking forward to hearing from you!

Share your Viagra story with us!

Dream Interpretation: My Boyfriend and I Both Dreamed I Cheated

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

What does it mean if I dream I cheated on my boyfriend and he had the same dream too, that I cheated on him?

Lauri: You’ve got two very excellent questions that a lot of people wonder about: the cheating dream and having the same dream as someone else.

Let’s start with the latter. When you have the same dream as someone else on the same or close to the same night, it’s because you are both dealing with the same waking life issue and your subconscious minds respond to it in a similar manner by giving you similar dreams.

Next: You both had a dream of you cheating. This is a big clue as to what the waking life issue is that you two are dealing with. I’ll assume that you’re a good girlfriend and haven’t cheated and that is why this dream is confusing you both. If that’s the case, then this shared dream suggests you both feel there is a third wheel in the relationship, but rather than it being another man, it is more likely something else that you are giving your time and attention to. Is there a new baby that is taking up all your time and affection? Or is it something else like your job or a side project or even a friend or family member that is taking too much of your time?

Whatever it is, your boyfriend is feeling cheated out of your time and you seem to be aware that something is getting in the middle of your relationship. Rather than allowing this dream to upset you, let it be a wakeup call that your relationship needs a little more TLC right now. Do that and the dream won’t come back… for either one of you!
Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

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Win the World’s First Ever Right-Handed Vibrator

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Are you left or right-handed? You probably already knew that your answer affects your creativity, intelligence, and odds of becoming President — but did you know it can also affect how much you enjoy sex? New research out of Sweden shows that left-handed people are up to 86% more sexually satisfied than their right-handed counterparts. This finding prompted LELO to launch DEXTRÜS, the world’s first ever right-handed vibrator. And we’re offering you the exclusive chance to win this brand new toy! (Scroll down for contest details.)

Custom-created for right-handed people, DEXTRÜS is LELO’s most groundbreaking project yet, with applications in both the bedroom and the workplace, allowing more than 90% of the world’s population to tap into the as-yet-unrealized creativity, intelligence, and pleasure that the left-handed have enjoyed since the dawn of mankind.

How DEXTRÜS Works:

FOR LEFT-HANDED ORGASMS: With new Right-Squeeze™ technology, right-handed users continually squeeze DEXTRÜS with their left-hand during lovemaking. Every squeeze causes DEXTRÜS to emit a series of randomized vibration patterns that allow the user to enter a left-handed and right-brained state of mind and double the intensity of their orgasm.
FOR A LEG-UP IN YOUR CAREER: DEXTRÜS is the first ever sex toy to penetrate the modern workplace, as users squeeze the silicone shell during meetings and brainstorming sessions to enhance their natural spontaneity. The whisper-quiet vibrations travel up the left arm as users squeeze DEXTRÜS to stimulate the right side of the brain, blocking out other distractions and encouraging more creative thought.

DEXTRÜS will cost $399 and will be available soon at LELO.com and other high-end retail outlets. But one lucky EMandLO.com reader will be first to try it out! Here’s how to enter our DEXTRÜS contest:

Mention and link to the world’s first right-handed pleasure object on Facebook and/or Twitter.
Let us know you’ve done so by mailing us a screenshot of each FB post/Tweet (on a Mac, Command+Shiftshift+4 lets you drag and capture an area of the screen; click here for instructions on taking screenshots on either a PC or a Mac).
The more you share, the greater your chances of winning! Deadline for entries is midnight on Tuesday, April 1st, Pacific Time.
We’ll announce the winner of the new $399 LELO toy soon thereafter!

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Bi-Curious George: The Best of #RuinAChildrensBook

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This week’s most fun hashtag trending on Twitter was #RuinAChildrensBook. Given that we each have two small kids and we’ve been writing about sex for fifteen years — often between diaper changes and school runs — this hashtag was practically made for us. Here are our favorite ruined book titles that we posted to Twitter this week:

1. Harry Potter and the Red Room of Pain #RuinAChildrensBook
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

2. The Poky Little Penis #RuinAChildrensBook
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

3. Pierre’s Penis Pump: A Cautionary Tale in Five Chapters and a Prologue #RuinAChildrensBook
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

4. Pat “The Bunny” #RuinAChildrensBook
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

5. Bi-Curious George #RuinAChildrensBook
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

6. The Very Hungry Caterpillar Who Only Had a Teaspoon of Cottage Cheese All Day and Still Feels Guilty #RuinAChildrensBook
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

7. Lilly’s Purple Plastic Vibrator #RuinAChildrensBook
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

8. Tales of a Fourth Grade Anorexic #RuinAChildrensBook

— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

9. Charlie and the Fudge Factory #RuinAChildrensBook
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

10. Please Don’t Tickle Me Elmo #RuinAChildrensBook
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

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Comment of the Week: BDSM Destroyed My Marriage

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photo via Flickr

Reader Nancy told the following heartbreaking story in response to our post, “Your Call – He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?” Sometimes, it turns out, love just isn’t enough…

I have been married for 17 years and recently discovered my husband’s infidelity. He started with a porn addiction which affected our sex life negatively and now is in pretty deep in the BDSM world–of course never communicating to me about his desires. I knew something was “up” for about six months, and then started having him followed. Such a sad way for me to discover his alternative lifestyle. I had to have answers for his behavior and mood changes so I am not really sorry I did the surveillance thing.

His personality changed in a negative way. He became very disengaged from our children and myself. Irritable, self-centered and defensive about any kind of inquiries about his life. (I realize these are behaviors that anyone would demonstrate if having an affair). After I confronted him about his activities, we had huge communication sessions about what led up to this. We love each other dearly and have three wonderful children who deserve both parents in a loving household. It probably won’t be possible to continue with our relationship. He cries and says he wants a committed, loving, monogamous relationship with me, but knows in his heart the BDSD charge is very strong and admits it will be next to impossible to maintain fidelity in our marriage.

I am sick about this, but don’t have an answer for any of it. I was sexually, emotionally, and verbally abused much of my childhood by an abusive stepfather. My mother was an extremely submissive person who “looked the other way” and accused me of lying when I would complain. I have worked extraordinarily hard to overcome the scars and damage from this. I am proud of myself for who I have become. I look for the light and positive in everything I do. My life is devoted to helping other people. BDSM has cast a very dark shadow over my children, my marriage and my future.

Yes, I did try and be open to my husband and play the “sub role.” It sucked. Sorry, I don’t want to be spanked, tied up and blindfolded. I don’t want my husband to stick his penis in my mouth when I am in a vulnerable position. Doesn’t do it for me. I am not excited by the “confusion” that BDSM brings into the complicated division of “power” between a man and a wife. So, we will be divorcing soon. It is a no-win situation. My husband cries every day and says he knows he will not find happiness with a sub, but he is “just in too deep.” I have a hunch he is not going to make BDSM a lifetime commitment. I am looking forward to getting out of this mess and beginning a life either on my own or with someone who will love me in a way that shares gentleness, warmth, care light and love. I want my children to experience what a relationship looks like from that perspective.

I always wonder if people that are so enthusiastic about BDSM would want their children involved with this. Would you really want your daughter being a sex slave or sub to a dom? Would you want your son whipping his wife? Not me. Life is so full of wonderful things that include kindness and gentleness. I have walked both sides of the fence and there is nothing to me more exciting than a gentle caress, a supportive hug, a loving gaze, a meeting of the eyes while love-making, my husband’s head on my breasts, an equal say in decisions involving the household etc. It is not a boring vanilla lifestyle to experience these things, I promise you.

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