Comment of the Week: Let’s Kill the Cow That Gave the Milk for Free

We know this comment appeared last week, but we are in such hearty agreement that we decided it deserved mentioning this week anyway. Amen, Madamoiselle L!

There is NOTHING I HATE as much as the STUPID, PATRIARCHAL, MISOGYNIST bullshit “analogy” “He won’t buy the cow if he can get the milk for free.” Those who use this “analogy” ASSume that women “give” sex and men “take.” They also assume that, for women, sex is only a commodity, a means of getting other things from a man. Not a means of mutual enjoyment. (I also suspect that people who use this analogy either do not know how to enjoy sex, and/or do not have much of it themselves. Otherwise, why get SO upset when other people are obviously having sex and enjoying it?)

NEWS FLASH, HEALTHY women enjoy sex as much as healthy men do. In good sex, BOTH partners “give” and “take” at the same time. Some refer to it as SHARING.

I call for a FULL MORATORIUM on the “Cow, milk, farmer, free” analogy for sex. It’s outdated, it’s misogynist, it’s….stupid. It isn’t even a good analogy. Can we do that?

Madamoiselle L, commenting on “Your Call: Trust Issues That Are 20 Years Old”


  1. Why buy the pig when all you want it a little sausage?

    That made my grandma’s jaw drop. We haven’t discussed sex since.

  2. Thank you, ML! Awesome point. There’s a great essay in Yes Means Yes called “Towards a Performance Model of Sex.” Not as in “I’ve gotta perform for my partner,” but moreso like sex as creative collaboration.

  3. E, right, I meant sex SHOULDN’T be a form of currency (unless one is a Sex Worker, which is fine, but in that aspect both the woman and person exchanging something FOR sex knows this in advance.) But, also, that is isn’t MEANT to be commodity in a relationship.

    I know some women and men still see what should be mutually enjoyable sex as such, but it isn’t healthy, and they are the ones trying to disrespect those of us who REF– USE to use sex as currency. How can *anyone* man or woman, think of sex as a commodity and still enjoy it? (Sex workers aside.) What do these women think, lying there thinking “I only have to do this three more times and that Tennis Bracelet is mine!” Or, “Good, I did tonight, now he should shut up and I won’t have to do it for an other week.”

    WTF? WHO thinks like that? Get thee to a Nummery! These women need to stay away from both men (whom they are harming by this ridiculous thinking) and from women who know sex for what it IS, an enjoyable, fun, loving activity which is it’ OWN reward! Don’t even get me started on men who think this way. HOW can they EVER enjoy sex with a woman who they think is only using it as a means for something else? “She’s only doing this so I’ll do something else for her later.” Sad Sad Sad Sad.

    And it just occurred to me that a lot of these people have kids and pass their sad, twisted, hang ups to their kids. So, MY kids have to deal with THEIR offspring who have similar misogynistic views.

    Thanks, Slart! 😉 I’ll have mine med rare!

  4. Also, as an aside… most of the people I’ve heard say this are women giving advice to other women.

  5. Eh, you mean, sex *shouldn’t* be a form of currency. For some people – if the stories are to be believed, a lot of people – it ends up being that.

  6. Ma’amselle, you give the impression of being a wise woman who’s unafraid of speaking her mind. I LOVE it and you can put me down for a couple of steaks.

  7. Jessica, I say (and mean) the same thing, that and “Would you buy a house without a showing and a couple of walk throughs?” This does make some people think. Others just go on with their “sex as commodity” crap. *sigh*

    Sex is NOT a form of currency! What do we have to do to get these people to realize this, Jess? I don’t’ know.

  8. I say “why would I buy a car without taking it for a test drive first.” I said this to my college students once and their jaws dropped.

  9. I like to say “Why buy the cow when you can get three magic beans for the same price?”

    It confuses people (as intended).

  10. Can I get a witness?!?!? Oh, I did. Thank you.

    We’re all better off without this antiquated look at sex as “barter and trade.”

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