Confession: I Don't Do Drunken Hookups

photo by nayrb7

A college-student contributor friend of ours, who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make:

I woke up one morning after an evening chugging most of a jug of $3 wine and several cups of that uniquely collegiate concoction “jungle juice.” Head pounding, eyes squinting, and stomach lurching, I realized there was a half-eaten piece of pizza on my dresser and I had absolutely no idea how it got there.

On my way to the fridge to grab a bottle of water, I tripped over the answer: a pizza box from a pizza place I’d only ever order from when drunk. I checked the label: delivered at 3:42 a.m. I opened the box: four pieces missing. I had ordered a pizza, eaten three and a half slices, and couldn’t remember a second of it.

My friends now refer to this as the night of the “accidental pizza.” And while I’ve gotten into a choreographed routine of telling the story, I’m really embarrassed about what I did. I lost complete control of myself, mind and body. Which got me thinking: what else could I accidentally end up doing when I’m acting purely on drunken instinct? Or who else?

So at the start of this school year, I made a resolution: no drunk sex or hookups. If I can’t be trusted not to spend $15 on a large pizza for one, how can I trust myself to pick out a guy when I’m drunk?

As a college student, this is a tall order. On any given weekend night, I’m out bar- and party-hopping, downing drink after drink in rooms packed tight with every type of guy I could want (or, more to the point, not want). And I’m drunk enough to forget about my own self-consciousness and talk to anyone. But each time I’m tempted to go beyond talking, I think back on the drunk hookups I have had: the sloppy (a guy grabbing my butt so hard that I found five tiny fingerprint-sized marks on it the next day); the slobbery (a makeout session so moist that my friend asked me afterwards if I had contracted rabies); and the blooper-y (in the midst of making out with a guy in a stairwell at a party, I tilted my head back and smacked it hard against the wall).

Granted, they were fun and funny in the moment, but did any of it actually feel good? Negative. The guys stopped paying attention to technique or courtesy and just started grabbing and groping with no respect to what actually romanced me or turned me on.

By eliminating the staple of the college student’s sexual diet, I’m not getting nearly as much action as my friends, which does make me feel left out sometimes. And for that reason alone, I’ve been tempted to give in on a few occasions — but then I remember that having a good dirty story to tell in the dorm room is a terrible reason to hook up.

To me, the best part of being intimate and sexual with someone is developing a whole new way of connecting. After I’ve developed some comfort and trust with a guy, I know I can trust him with something a little riskier than my favorite movies and music.

And I’ll be able to remember every moment of it.


  1. One of the myriad reasons I never get drunk. In fact, I have never been drunk in my life. Seeing family members and then friends make complete fools of themselves due to the “demon alcohol” I vowed not to use the stuff to excess as a child.

    I remember girls in HS and College who would get into situations with guys they would most likely NEVER have got into, because their judgment was impaired.

    I’ve never woken up in the morning next to a guy I couldn’t remember meeting or woke up with the dry heaves and thought, “What the hell did I do last night?” Aside from the occasional hit off a joint (which certainly doesn’t impair one’s decision making skills like an entire bottle of Boones Farm Apple Wine or Mad Dog 20 20) anything I did, I did with a clear mind and a clearer conscience.

    I’ve done some strange things, some might say risky, but I went into them knowing full well what I was getting myself into.

    It’s experience I can pass down to my kids, and so far, none of the kids have taken to using alcohol to access. (At least that they admit to. 😉 They have no reason to be less than honest I think.) I do think there is more of a threat to women when drunk, and realizing that is a good thing to do while still young.

    People who are in a group of people they trust implicitly may be safer, but I’ve never taken the chance of losing my ability to choose, soberly, whom I went with, where or what we did.

    I think the author has made a good, adult choice.

  2. So true. About 18 months ago, after several months riding high on the thrill of being legally allowed to drink combined with the fact that guys seemed to want to make out with me, it clicked that the drinking and the hookups might have something to do with all the guilt, crying, and general misery I was experiencing. So I stopped, and proceeded to have a year of no action at all, but also no regrets – and I was happy! I spent my sober non-slutty year developing a friendship with the one boy that I liked, and now we are in a happy relationship. And I can tell you, it is FAR more fun than the drunken hookups ever were! I’m not saying that drunken hookups are evil, I’m sure a lot of people deal with them better than I did, but I definitely was not cut out for them. Lesson learned! Errr so I hope you enjoyed this chapter of my life story. Great article 😉

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