Our contributor Katherine Chen, a sophomore English major at Princeton University (check out her personal site here), is penning a series of confessions for EMandLO.com collectively called “The Virgin Diaries.” Here’s her third installment:
These days, every girl between 10 and 50 seems to be obsessed with the Twilight Saga. You’d think it was because a story about an intense love triangle between a teenage girl, a vampire supermodel, and a buff werewolf must have a ton of great animalistic sex in it, right? Wrong. Stephanie Meyer’s four-part story seems to appeal to millions of readers and moviegoers precisely because it doesn’t have any illicit sex in it.
Some movie critics have argued that “Twilight” is the latest form of abstinence-only education — after all, it’s not that Bella and Edward are incapable of having sex; they choose not to until they are married. But there’s no denying that by delaying their gratification they make the moment of their first union so much more meaningful and, yes, special. And that aspect of “Twilight” reflects my own views about virginity and abstinence.
Now before anyone classifies me as a Twihard who dreams about being Bella Swan at night, I just want to set the record straight regarding my feelings about the Twilight Saga: Hate vampires. Hate werewolves. Hate the whole damsel in distress business. And I am not a fan of androgynous good looks. Got it? Okay, we’re moving on.
Virginity has always been a very significant part of who I am. I can’t deny my mother certainly influenced my perspective on sex: she raved about how all my female classmates were sluts and whores just for going out with a boy on Saturday night. But I’ve also had two friends get pregnant and then undergo abortions before they turned 18. The pain and agony they went through by taking a chance on someone they hoped was Mr. Right (who turned out to be Mr. Wrong) did not seem worth it at all. One turned into a total recluse, to the point where her parents were forced to take her out of school. She told me later on that even though she was ashamed of what she had done, it was the gossip and accusations being made at school that truly got to her. My other friend attempted suicide a few times and eventually landed in a hospital after her family threatened to disown her. At one time, these two were the most vibrant, funny, and energetic human beings I knew.
Studies have shown (see here and here) that when women don’t receive the relationship they anticipated after losing their virginity, they feel like their sexual power has been taken away from them. Of course, there is also the emotional and spiritual devastation that comes with feeling deceived, even if that was not the intention of the other party. I believe good sex isn’t just about physical reciprocation, but emotional reciprocation — and that’s not something you can get with a fling or someone as emotionally immature as a student in high school or in college. It may not even be something you can get before the kind of commitment that comes with marriage.
Despite my fairly old school views, I don’t think virginity should be viewed as a treasure, much less a curse or a stigma. The fact that female virginity is so prized among certain (if not all) cultures confirms that women are still viewed as sex objects. I’m not down with that. Nor do I think losing one’s virginity should be considered an automatic rite of passage for young people, like attaining one’s first driver’s license or graduating from high school. When the situation and circumstances are genuinely right, it can happen quite naturally and in its own sweet time, but until then you should have the right to protect your feelings and your body without undergoing external pressures to conform to any arbitrary sexual standards — whether that’s doing it before you hit a certain age to avoid being seen as a freak or not doing it until you get married because of some religious ideology.
Virginity is a one-time thing. You lose it, and you won’t be able to get it back. Stephanie Meyers knows this, which is why it took her four books to get Bella and Edward in bed. Why rush something so sweet? It’s more exciting and ultimately satisfying to take the time to make sure the situation and the person are right for you. Or should I say, right for me.
Ah, crap. Now I have to put a better focus on one of my statements, before someone jumps on ONE sentence in my post and thinks I don’t “value” monogamy.
When I said, “And worshiping female “virginity” (like so many societies and individuals do, for no other reason than to DISEMPOWER women, so that in the end, they BELONG (as in an object) to one and only one man) is NOT healthy.” END QUOTE I was NOT saying anything against Monogamy. My Man and I are monogamous right now, we have been for many years. When I said “Belong to” I MEANT, belong to, as when a man OWNS an object. Like a car, or a pair of shoes or a herd of cattle. So many societies which overemphasis FEMALE “Virginity” do tend to treat women as chattel (the USA not being exempt in the way a lot of people think) and their “virginity” as a “selling point.” UGH.
It was not an indictment of monogamy. In fact at this point in my life, I LIKE monogamy. I can’t even imagine the drama and suspense, boredom and drama and nail biting horror of dating again. 😉
Just clarifying….
“Christopher” bizarrely concluded from my post: “There are obviously different ways to view sex. If everyone viewed sexual intercourse the same way as the above commentator, then…I don’t know. I’m picturing the scene in “Caligula” where Tiberius walks Caligula through his circus of mutants and freaks having a giant orgy.”
REALLY? That’s what “Sex Positive” means to you? An orgy? You don’t’ know me and that is NOT the way I view “Sexual Intercourse.” (LOL!) (There is also a hell of a lot more to “sex” than “intercourse.”) In fact THAT view of sex has never actually crossed my mind, but YOU brought it up? Why is that?
Perhaps some don’t realize what Healthy Sexuality is. And worshiping female “virginity” (like so many societies and individuals do, for no other reason than to DISEMPOWER women, so that in the end, they BELONG (as in an object) to one and only one man) is NOT healthy.
You may want to get Caligula out of your head, when you speak to women who are sure of their own sexual power and strengths. Because it is NOT what we are thinking.
Your mileage may vary.
Elizabeth said: “sex was better and healthier when there was a deep commitment involved. What in the world is wrong with seeing sex as an important aspect and believing that good, healthy things can be very damaging if used badly?” END QUOTE
Elizabeth I DON’T disagree with you. My “first one” actually turned out to be the man I married (many years and several lovers for both of us later) I wasn’t endorsing a “Caligula” lifestyle (I know you didn’t say this.) I was simply saying that the Commercial Overhyping of “Virginity” is silly, and IMO detracts from a woman’s sexual power.
Also, the article was written by someone who says she is a virgin, telling us some anecdotes about girls who had HORRIBLE things happpen to them when they lost their “virginity.” I could name more boys and girls who had WONDERFUL things happen to them….also, the author can ONLY look at things from the POV of someone who has NEVER had sex.
Most of us here have ALREADY BEEN virgins, and most also are now sexualy active. We know BOTH sides of the story, and I think knowing both gives one a better perspective.
I never said the first time couldn’t be “special.” But, for many people it just isn’t and they don’t attempt suicide, get pregnant (many were smart enough to invest in birth control BEFORE they took the plunge the first time) or felt they LOST anything.
Oh my, talk about taking away a woman’s sexual power! Telling a girl/woman that her views that her body and her first time sharing with someone else isn’t something to be viewed as special, sounds awfully damn degrading to me. I know that there are many things that I’ve experienced for the first time that are quite special to me. I also know many others who view their fist time doing or seeing something as special, too. Why should something as personal as sharing our bodies, the only thing, beyond our thoughts, that we should have full control over be treated as so meaningless, as so much less than our first car or first concert? And screw the whole religious issues, mayhap a girl just views her body as that damn special to her and wants to make sure that she’s with a man who is willing to treat it as special as she holds it. Where’s the shame in that?
I believe the moment you tell a person what they should do concerning sex, besides being safe and comfortable with their situation, you’ve just stripped them of their sexual power if only because you’ve just tried to strip them of their choice.
Key word. It’s a HYPOTHESIS.
Frankly, I don’t think any scientific study can answer that age old question. And I would jump to the conclusion that most people believe that there are some differences between men and women. Like John said, the differences don’t even have to be as black and white as strengths and weaknesses.
Hey, John, ever hear of the Gender Similarities Hypothesis? It’s the result of 20 years of in-depth research–not just various studies and surveys. I recommend you look it up.
To Madmoiselle, I don’t think the author is classifying women as “emotionally fragile, porcelain creatures.” I know a lot of men who wish their first time was something a lot more meaningful, something that they can remember beyond…I don’t know…a drunk night, the spur of adolescent desire? It just so happens that the two people the writer mentioned were her friends who also happened to get it wrong the first time around. We don’t know, as the reader, the whole story. They obviously didn’t use protection, but I’m sure the fact that it was their FIRST TIME factored in somehow too. Think about it this way. How traumatizing is thinking you are in love with someone, getting pregnant by accident, and then being abandoned by everyone you thought loved you? It’s not a generalization about women. It’s just a point being made about how important it is to know what you are getting into…
Also…what’s wrong with expecting more for yourself? Why should people with sex positive lifestyles see everything as negligible, just as “fun”? That doesn’t make any sense to me. Sure, you don’t have to get married. You don’t have to wait until you get married anymore. But what’s wrong with wanting to wait until you find someone you can emotionally identify with?
First off, Christopher, I agree wholeheartedly.
Also to the above commentor: Men and Women aren’t that different? Really? There are at least a dozen reputable studies demonstrating basic mental differences. (Not stregnths/weaknesses, more like handedness), not to mention the evidence of differences provided by, well sites like this one.
And if you divorce relationship from sex, that’s fine; it’s not the author’s choice. Both are how you choose to live, and both are equally right. (It is just what you choose to treat as special; I’m sure you didn’t marry that cherry popper; that you consider marriage something to be shared in a serious relationship?)
Hey now Madamoiselle… While I usually agree with you – I have a sex positive lifestyle AND I was raised in a family that valued abstinence (For the record – that was valued for BOTH boys and girls).
And like I said in my own post – the wasn’t because my parents valued some social construct (virginity) but because my parents actively believed that sex was better and healthier when there was a deep commitment involved. What in the world is wrong with seeing sex as an important aspect and believing that good, healthy things can be very damaging if used badly? I see sex as fun and healthy and recreational. Just as a type of recreation I enjoy within limits. Not necessarily marital limits, but limits nonetheless.
And, not all people who save sex for marriage expect perfect partners anymore than all people who don’t accept flaws. I know plenty of people who seem to be looking for Mr. and Mrs. Perfect who’ve never believed in abstinence until marriage and plenty of people who’ve never even KISSED someone who realize that everyone has flaws.
You’ll never catch me saying that virginity matters. Like you said – it’s a dumb social construct based entirely on female oppression and the transfer of property. But what I do believe is that sex is an important and deeply intimate activity… And it’s alright if someone wants the person with whom they share that for the first time with to matter more than some fling.
There are obviously different ways to view sex. If everyone viewed sexual intercourse the same way as the above commentator, then…I don’t know. I’m picturing the scene in “Caligula” where Tiberius walks Caligula through his circus of mutants and freaks having a giant orgy. I’m actually really glad that some people (like the author) still view sexual intercourse as a spiritual thing…without suggesting any religious ideologies.
There is something special about that first time, and I would definitely encourage more people to recognize that. Virginity IS a thing, and it’s not just the invention of a prudish society. It just depends on the way you look at it.
Katherine Chen seems to think women are emotionally fragile, porcelain creatures who “attempt suicide” and want to die if the first boy they get it on with “doesn’t live up to her expectations.” I’m sorry, but NOBODY could live up to a teenage girl’s (or even some grown women’s) expectations.
Virginity isn’t a Virtue. It’s an artificial construct designed to deny women sexual power and health.
(For instance, when does one “stop” being a “virgin.” When I was in school, I knew those “anything but” girls. Meaning they do ANYTHING “but intercourse” (anal, oral, objects, etc) just to “maintain” their virginity. If a man helps you to an orgasm and there is no outright vaginal penetration with a penis, are you STILL considering yourself a “virgin?” Does ONLY penile penetration in the vagina count? (It does to the girls I knew who would partake in anal sex (nothing wrong with that) but NOT have intercourse. Were these girls still “Virgins?” Not in my book.
As for girls or women “when women don’t receive the relationship they anticipated after losing their virginity, they feel like their sexual power has been taken away from them.” REALLY? I’ve had relationships that didn’t add up to what I “anticipated” and I NEVER felt my sexual power was taken from me. All I thought was, “Oh well. His loss.” I know FEW women who felt she lost ANY power, simply because “the first one” wasn’t a Prince Charming, in fact MOST felt that the “losing” of their virginity was a damn RELIEF! Some were looking for relationships, some weren’t. Most got what they got out of that first relationship. Men and women aren’t that different.
Maybe it’s just the “Promise Ring” types who expect the “lucky” one who gets to be the first to have sex with their special self needs to be perfect in every way. Maybe this MISUNDERSTANDING of human nature is what causes these hot house flowers to wither, when the “first” relationship doesn’t turn out to be a Knight on a White Horse who will carry us through the sunset and give us a perfect life. Maybe it’s the whole “Virginity Industry” that causes young women to feel a loss of their sexual power. You have NO power if you don’t use it.
Those of us with Sex Positive Lifestyles, and didn’t believe the hype about “saving oneself for marriage” when we were young, actually see sex as a fun, recreational and healthy activity, and don’t expect our partners to be any more perfect that we are.
I really appreciate this article. While I am not a woman who waited to have sex until I married, I did wait to have sex until it was with someone special, with someone I felt I COULD marry. Not because I percieve VIRGINTY as important, but because I believe SEX is important. For me, having sex with just anyone is a betrayal to myself. Now, I would not marry a man without first having sex with him… Sexual compatibility is very important to me. But, I’m not going to have sex with every guy I date. And I’m not going to have sex early in a relationship.
And I think that was what the author meant. Not specifically that VIRGINITY was what matters, but that sex was. That’s supposedly the thing with twilight. It’s not that they wait for the whole de-virginization thing, but they wait for sex, and that its ONLY between them, that’s what is important.
Note: I don’t judge people who disagree with me on this subject… It’s just how i feel, with my life.
“Virginity is a one-time thing. You lose it, and you won’t be able to get it back.”
Virginity isn’t a thing at all. It’s a construct designed to control people’s sexual behavior and commodify (female) “virtue”. Which is, of course, exactly what’s going on in the Twilight series.
While I agree with what Laura says above (a very fair response), I still think that the majority of people view virginity as some kind of prized possession, especially for women. And being a woman myself, I know that I felt like I “lost” something after I had my first sexual encounter. It wasn’t a bad or good feeling. It was just a realization that I had made a certain choice.
Not everyone views virginity the same way. I think the writer just sees virginity as something extremely important to her because she feels, like some other people do, that she needs to protect herself more.
(Apologies in advance for the length of this comment!)
I enjoyed Katherine’s essay and believe that sex-positive, non-shame-based abstinence* messages are important, especially in a culture where young women are pressured to be sexy, yet not given the tools to be sexually healthy. Delaying sex until such knowledge (of both microbiology and one’s self) has been acquired can be a huge benefit to an individuals self esteem and relationship quality.
That said, I think what is constantly missing from such discourses is the idea of sexual pleasure and the ability of an individual to make self-aware, educated choices to seek it out…and how that can be emotionally fulfilling in it’s own right.
This piece seems to assume that the reasons for having sex are universal(and almost always due to relationship issues (“Mr. Right who turns out to be Mr. Wrong”)). I worry about ignoring the fact that as a young woman, to be able to say that you know your body, you know the responsibilities that come with it and you know what types of pleasure you want to seek out (whether through sex or abstinence, within or outside of a relationship), can be incredibly empowering. This is especially true in a world that promotes ignorance about the body and sex and deems women “sluts” when they seek such knowledge.
While I empathize with the sad and all too common stories of unplanned pregnancies,I don’t believe losing one’s virginity** or even “taking a risk on Mr. Right” should be blamed. Losing one’s virginity without the necessary knowledge or resources to avoid such consequences (ie: condom use) is what we should truly be worried about.
I believe a more useful discussion around delaying sex would take into account the ability of some people to seek out the pleasures of sexual behavior (including non-intercourse activities, masturbation, etc) and to balance them with the responsibilities of such decisions.
So as much as I agree with this essay and find the writer brave for exploring a lifestyle choice that is often met with judgement, I worry about what happens when we demonize physical pleasure and define some types of first-time sex as “more meaningful” or “special” without actually defining what these terms mean (is the sex more intimate? more comfortable? provides more orgasms?).
To emphasize, I don’t actually disagree with anything in this article at all. I just wish it defined it’s terms in more detail and acknolwedged the many other reasons for having sex early in life, other than the ones that apply to Katherine personally.
So let’s advocate for healthy sexuality in all it’s forms (whether with multiple partners or none at all), but let’s do so through acknowledging the myriad of meanings sex can hold and supporting well educated sexual decision making without pressure or moral judgement.
* I personally don’t like to use this term. I work professionally as a sex educator and I always talk to my classes about “delaying sex” instead of abstaining completely. It allows them more freedom to think about when sex is the right choice for them and how their sexuality may change and grow.
*I also disagree with this phrase. I agree with Katherine that it shouldn’t be viewed as a “treasure,” but personally, the idea that I LOST anything after having sex for the first time offends me. I shared an experience and yes, that changed things in my life, relationships and self-concept, but I didn’t leave it lacking some intangible “object” I possessed before. Then again, that is just my pesonal experience.