Dear Em & Lo, My Boyfriend Doesn't Care About My Orgasm

illustration via Foxtongue

Dear Em & Lo,

I love my boyfriend very much, but he comes so early on that I’m left hanging. Receiving oral sex ahead of time would sure get me that orgasm, but he doesn’t even do that! I NEVER orgasm, because as long as he gets his, it seems to not bother him that I don’t get mine! Totally ridiculous!

— Blue Walls

Dear Blue Walls,

It seems to us that your problem is not with your orgasm but with your boyfriend. If he’s not bothered by your lack of orgasms, then we’d humbly suggest that you not bother with him. Period. (Tell him you’ve found someone who’ll go down on you at the drop of a hat…er, push of a button.) If that seems too extreme for you, we suggest experimenting with other “inspirational” measures. For example, would he be bothered by a lack of blowjobs? Then try going on an oral sex strike.

Along with the strike — a plain old sex strike would work, too — we recommend a big Talk. (In fact, if we’re being mature, we’d recommend going with the Talk first and saving the strike as a last resort.) Tell him how much orgasms mean to you — we’re guessing he likes them pretty well himself, so this should be easy for him to understand. Tell him that there’s really one easy way for you to achieve said orgasms. Tell him that it’s physically impossible for you to do this to yourself — draw him a diagram if necessary. Then ask him, ever so gently, why he won’t do it.

If his answer is that he just doesn’t like it — or just doesn’t want to do it — then you’ve either got to compromise on another non-oral way he can make you climax or (back to option one) dump him because you’re just plain sexually incompatible. If he has a more reasonable explanation — he doesn’t know what to do, for example — then you’re already on your way to a solution. Here are some earlier posts from this site that may enlighten you:

*Note: This may be his excuse for not going down on you. If he’s simply squeamish about the taste of healthy vagina, then we’re back to the deal-breaker thing: You’ll need to ask yourself which you care more about, the man, the oral, or the orgasm? If you’re not ready to kick him to the curb yet — and you suspect that he may have a point — then the advice above may help. Keep in mind that he’s entitled to his own sexual preferences (maybe he’s fingers are more deft than his tongue), but not caring about your orgasm at all shouldn’t be one of them.

And if none of this works? Your mother may have told you once that there are plenty more fish in the sea. What she probably didn’t tell you is that plenty of those fish enjoy cunnilingus a hell of a lot more than your boyfriend does.

Hoping you get yours soon,

Em & Lo


  1. I had a similar problem with my boyfriend. When I suggested we use a vibrator he said we could later. I was very offended considering that it helps me have an orgasm. After talking about it to him he is best friends with a vibrator because he has to do less work. Since many women (like me) rarely orgasm during sex your boyfriend may have come to not expect you to. Of course he could just be being selfish since many people are when it coes to sex. If you have different sex preferences a good idea is to sometimes focus on his and other times on yours. A lot of men and women feel frustrated because they always have to please their partners and can’t completely let go every once in awhile. I’du suggest that he start caring and in return yo can tell him that sometimes he can come whenever he wants.

  2. he’s not worth your effort as he not willing to make an effort FOR you, pack his stuff and leave it outside the door. Tell him when he can pick the lock with his tongue he can CUM back

  3. Talk to him find out what the deal is and if it turns out he does not care –then NEXT buh bye not too soon to be EX.

  4. I think talking to him FIRST without any threat of a sex strike is what you should do. Naturally, you shouldn’t stay in a relationship where you are sexually incompatible, but you don’t need to use third grade “if I don’t get it neither do you” mentality. You have to be communicative about the fact that you would be happier with longer sex, oral sex, or any other alternatives that will increase your orgasms. Once you GET those things, you need to be communicative about what works. Maybe it’s not so much that he doesn’t care, but about not knowing how (as Johnny said). It never hurts to give yourself a hand, either.

  5. If a guy won’t do pretty much whatever you would like to “get you off” then he’s not the guy for you. If he cared about you, he’d try.

    With my lover, I’ll do just about anything (outside of blood, children, or animals) to make her happy. That doesn’t have to involve an orgasm on her part, or on mine, but nice when it does. I certainly try. As does she.

    My theory is, if your partner wants it, and it’s legal, you should do it because you care about them. And that goes both ways.

  6. How do you know he doesn’t care? Did he say so, with words or with his attitude?

    As Em & Lo suggested, maybe he just doesn’t know how to get you off and is insecure about that. Guys tend to hide insecurity with an assholey attitude. This situation might be fixable.

    Of course, if it turns out that he really doesn’t care or won’t make an effort, then to the curb with him.

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